audreyroscoe

I need to hear these things. I've never heard these things from a truthful addicts' point of view and I need that pov because all I hear is manipulation from my significant other. I do all those things for him that you mentioned Blessdmess. Everything but allow him to drink. He's trying to trick me into allowing him to do it. He's saying things will be better. It's so hard to stand up to an alcoholic when you have no one there to tell you that you are doing the right thing. I feel like I'm gaining strength here and hearing these things. Everyone's comments are confirming what I feel is right and the truth. An addict can blur that line so much to the point where you can't figure out what is real and what is not. What is truth and what is fiction.

audreyroscoe

Readyatlast in many ways I do feel like the mother and he is the child. He has a very good job and does help to pay the bills. He hates going to his parents house because he feels like he has no home. But at his parents house is the only place he can drink. I wish they would no longer allow him to stay there if he's going to drink. He'd have no where to go and I think it would make him take a long hard look at what he's doing.

hopeful4

O sweetie, you are not selfish or greedy. He is saying what you want to believe in those moments. Unfortunately, he is lying. That is what the addict does, say what you want to hear in the moment so they can drink, drug, whatever their vice is. They don't want anyone to tell them they will suffer from it, or nag them or do anything that will challenge what they are doing. They certainly don't want to challenge themselves that is may be wrong. They find every excuse in the book for it to be right so they can carry on with their bad and addictive behavior.

Please see this for what it is. A sad thing for you but out of your control. You did not cause this and you cannot cure it either.

Good Luck and God Bless. Be strong and keep posting, you are not alone!

Blessdmess

I would try to not take an adversarial approach to dealing with him. Focus on any changes you may make to be about changes you are making for yourself.

Example:

Instead of saying that he can't drink, try to make the focus that you will not be with an addict or someone that drinks.

There is a difference.

Be ready for serious upheaval. Hope it's not bad but be prepared.

ReadyAtLast

You can't control or change him or his parents.

Maybe he needs to stand on his own 2 feet and get his own place. He won't need to do this though if he can live at your house. Whilst I m the one with the drink problem I've had relationships with men who had drink problems too (who'd have thought it!! )

Seriously though, a few years ago 1 alcoholic man in particular lived with his mother, always playing the victim. He kept wanting to live with me and I realized he just saw me as an easy touch- nice house, no children, good job, financially stable- he just wanted to move in and live off me. He wouldn't have to take any responsibility for his life,just wanted an easy option. I soon ended that relationship, I could not respect a man who just wanted to sponge off me,regardless of how charming he was or how much he professed to love me.

Carlotta

You are addicted to him the same way he is addicted to alcohol. This is what codependency is. I would suggest you read Melodie Beattie's book: codependent no more so you get a clear picture of the dynamics of your relationship

Freebird13

I was in the same situation as you (well, almost the same). I quit drinking a few months ago and realized my boyfriend had a drinking problem but he would not admit nor would he quit. I threatened him, I pleaded with him, I tried to rationalize with him. He would go back and forth, saying he was going to quit drinking, then saying he didn't want to quit. Finally, I told him that I wasn't going to demand that he quit drinking but that I could not continue to live with him and be with him as long as he did. He simply said that he didn't have a problem and was going to continue drinking even though he knows he did things when drunk to hurt me and himself. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. So I broke up with him and moved out. I think he is still in shock because I went through with the break up. I broke up with him not in an effort to get him to quit drinking, but to protect my own sobriety and feel good enough about myself that I will not allow anyone to treat me badly (being drunk is no excuse). If he ends up quitting for good down the road, maybe we will get back together, but maybe not because people really change when quitting. I recommend you break it off now. It will only get worse. And most of all, you are not happy! Don't you want to be truly happy with a man?

SteppingStone

Audrey,

There is a lot of great advice here. I am taking a lot of it on board too.

I was in a similar situation but I was with my recovering AXBF for 5+ years. I kept hoping & wishing but his drinking & using only got progressively worse. He would also flit between me & his Mum's. I wish I had walked away after 2 years but instead I stuck around & helped him get into recovery. He has now been abstinent for 7 months but 4 weeks ago he moved out & back to his Mum's, saying he was doing it for me as I deserve better than to have to deal with him for the rest of our lives. He also said he needs to concentrate on his own recovery & I should move on!

I am devastated as I supported him through his recovery & I thought that things would now get better but people do change when they become sober/straight. If I had left years ago, I'd be getting on with my own life now but instead I stayed and now I am more hurt than I would've been if I left earlier. He has dragged me down. I cannot eat, sleep, concentrate on anything, get out of bed, focus completely on my daughter or even just put a smile on my face.

The pain is unbearable at the moment and I wouldn't wish that for anyone else. Every situation is different but from what I've read or heard from people (addicts & non-addicts alike), it is a very common occurrence.

Please save yourself before you get in any deeper and keep coming back here because you are not alone.

*Gentle Hugs*

EndGameNYC

Great post, jaynie.

Mizzuno

All of this is consuming your whole life. This is not how you are meant to live it. There is a lot wrapped up in his drinking, not drinking, controlling, not controlling, kicking out, moving back in. Where are you in all of this? I know that you are scared to quit, but if you do not then this is going to be the whole of your life for a good long time. It sounds exhausting. There is enabling going on from both sides, and this boy can do whatever he wants. He knows that all he has to say is that he does not want to drink, and then he is back in your home. When he wants to drink, he goes to his parents. Something has to stop. It seems like the only one who can stop it is you. You deserve to be treated with respect, love, and kindness. You deserve to be happy. From the way it sounds, you are not happy at all. Please take care of you and know that you are worthy. You are important. You matter. This is your life and you get to live it the way you want. If you want to deal with all of this, then continue to do so. If you are tired of the games, then move on and know in your heart that you are worthy of a healthy relationship and a healthy love. Please take care of you.