Alanytajassa

Hello all! I come here as an active drinker but I know that my habits are not good. I drink to escape reality. When I wake up in the morning and am sober or hung-over, I feel awful regardless of whether or not I have hangover. It improves within a few hours to feeling okay or even to feeling good, but the lurking sadness is always there. If there is alcohol or pot in my reach, I will use. I do not use to excess and simply drink or smoke to feel the lower threshold effects of either drug. Just to feel good. Get tipsy or high instead of wasted or stoned (thoughts too slow to do much beyond look around the room.)
I guess you can consider me a problem drinker. I don't really know what I am on the alcoholic spectrum but I know my drinking patterns are not what would be considered healthy or social, especially if the number of daily drinks are counted. I have depression or dysphoria (general feeling of unhappiness, opposite of euphoria) when I am sober. Drinking or smoking pot makes me happy. There's like a switch in my brain that gets switched to "happy and feeling good" when I drink or smoke. I don't touch pills or other substances because I would not want to get addicted to something I do not have regular access to. Sad that that is the only I reason I don't touch them Unlike classic cases of alcoholism I have read about on SR and elsewhere, I do not usually get drunk or blackout and can pace myself. But the buzz. I need that buzz, the feeling where I know I am not sober and get more happy. The receptors in my brain are just switched enough so everything is fine. Sometimes realllyyy fine. Being sober does not provide this for me.
I'm drinking a mix of wine and seltzer water to keep me at this level tonight. I am not ready to quit this habit but I recognize that this habit is not good. It is probably fine if I were able to keep to social drinking and not as a means to self-medicate. I come here to introduce my case. I think there may be other SR posters who drink and or use in a similar fashion to me. If only being sober offered me similar joys.

Dee74

Welcome Alanytajassa

I wasn't sure what I wanted to do when I got here either, but I read around and gradually realized things were not going to get better unless I mad some changes.

I think you being here means that, at least at some level, you realize that too?

D

EndGameNYC

Hi Alanytajassa.

That's the problem with the "more accessible" drugs of choice...they actually do work for a time and help us feel relaxed, even sane, in a crazy world. If not, we wouldn't bother with them in the first place.

I agree with Dee. You're concerned enough about your behavior to talk about it here. I don't begrudge you your moments of release and relief. If I could have remained there, without crossing that invisible line that leads straight to hell, I may not ever have walked away from alcohol. But I couldn't, and I now know that I never can.

It sounds as though a low-level depression is background music for your using. Even if you've already tried, you may want to look into treatment for that, including a psych eval for medication. I've struggled with major depression during different parts of my life -- both sober and otherwise -- and have been fortunate to find the kinds of treatments that work for me.

Welcome.

Alanytajassa

I agree with you. I know a change in my habits must occur. I would hope that I could moderate my drinking/smoking back to a place it fits in normal life. Can I moderate my drinking and smoking back to normal terms? Just the fact that I highlight normal terms means there is a disconnect between using and however I use. I am a college student with mild autism which hurts my ability to socialize and make friends. This had lead to poor self-esteem and depression. This mind state has led to my using alcohol and pot. I am able to code-switch where I can drink socially with friends and just have a nice evening out as a college student to being still rather buzzed on a Sunday night before class as I am now. I am fearful of running out of my wine but still drink it just to maintain a buzz. I resent how I felt this morning sober so much so I drink. AA meetings are easily available to me so I may go to a few this week. My case is one where I drink to escape sobriety and feel good but some part of me recognizes this habit is no good.

Dee74

I dunno about you but if I could have moderated my intake of drink or drugs, I doubt I would ever have come to SR.

I think most folks like us try to, and find they can't?

D

Alanytajassa

Thank you Dee and Endgame. I feel I should seek counselling for my depression and low self-esteem. I do not want my guilty habit to reach the physical levels of addiction that I agree my self-medication unchecked may lead to. I have read about it and heard that alcohol abuse leads to changes in your brain chemistry which sounds scary enough for me to post here. I want to seek counseling but when I am sober and dysphoric such as when I wake up, I feel there is no hope. Everything is colored grey so to speak. Drinking at least one to two drinks or taking a couple of weed hits improves this. I am not suicidal but I feel too hopeless for a counselor to be of any help to me. I have seen counselors in the pas and wonder what can 30 minutes of an hour of talking really do for the other hours of the day?

Dee74

I found a long term weed and drink habit actually contributed to my
'greyness' by the end.

I'm not trying to push you at all, but I genuinely believe you will find your mental mood improves with some abstinence

Kaneda8888

Hi A, it seems as if you're using alcohol and weed to medicate ? I think End and Dee are right, go see a psychiatrist for some meds. They may be a more healthy substitute for what you are doing now. Also Counselling should give you tools to deal with emotional distress. Read the threads here and see if they resonate either you. I hope you find something useful.

Alanytajassa

AA is available to me and close by so I may share my story with them this week. Not drinking or using seems very difficult as being sober is so hopeless. I guess I know what to do in the long run but I choose to use the option that makes me feel better in the short run (alcohol and weed). As I am not physically addicted to alcohol, I will try and abstain from either substance for a week. Even if I don't want to quit either entirely, recalibrating my brain to sobriety for a bit will help me. One thing to be not drinking/smoking. Another to be sober in my opinion. My mental attitude is still quite poor in this regard. I will post here during the week while I do not use.

Erik1980

I used to feel that way about it, but then the control got away from me and I didn't even know it for a while. It happens very subtly and slowly, be careful.

KristyCat

Hi Alany, welcome to SR!

I agree with the posts above about seeing a psych doctor, it sounds like you are using alcohol and weed as an anti-depressant, which works great in the short-term but has horrible long-term consequences.

I'm concerned because I see red flags of alcoholism in your post. Not trying to scare you or make you feel bad, just don't want you to go down the road I did. It sounds like you keep your body at a steady slow-dose of alcohol or weed most of the time (at least that's what I'm understanding from your post). When you don't have this, you feel depressed. This could likely be a symptom of withdrawal, but abstaining for long enough and treating your depression in other, safer ways will bring your mood back to normal/good.

It's good that you don't have blackouts or drink until you are unconscious, but be aware that using in the way you are always progresses to a deeper problem. I am sure that you are already changing pathways in your brain. I do hope you find a safer alternative because the longer you wait, the harder it will be to stop, and you will get to a point where you can't drink at all. I'm not sure what point you are at right now.

When I see people who are having some of the early symptoms of alcoholism, I just want to be like STOP!! Stop before it gets really, really bad! For me it happened very quickly. Started drinking around 19, was an alcoholic by 21.

I hope I didn't scare you too much and please stick around!!

least

to SR! I'm glad you joined us. You'll find lots of support here if you decide to get clean and sober.

Alanytajassa

KristyCat, I agree with you about the red flags of alcoholism. You and Dee may be onto something when you say my feelings of sadness sober may already be a sign I am becoming dependent as I have had this habit for a few months however I have had issues with depression for longer than I have used. I have self-esteem and body image issues and have had eating disorders before. Now I will sometimes eat less to counter the drinking if need be but if I do, I try and stick to a healthier lower calorie diet instead of eating more empty calories beyond the alcohol. I think the patterns for potential alcoholism are already present even if my drinking hasn't progressed to the point of alcoholism. To be more specific about my drinking patterns: I am past the point where I can have a couple of drinks but I find drunkenness unpleasant. Maintaining a constant buzz for 6 to 12 hours can translate to a 12 pack on average, sometimes less and sometimes more. At times I do get pretty drunk but that is not the norm.

ImperfectlyMe

Alanytajassa firstly welcome and secondly congratulations on taking a good hard look at your life. I was a similar drinker to you, I didn't day drink or blackout or make a fool of myself. What I did was drink pretty much every night to either escape my surroundings or make my surroundings more desirable. I had an overwhelming need to be invisible or to remove myself from reality. It down right sucked the life out if me. I really had no idea while I was in it, how much worse alcohol was making my situation.

Honestly whether you are problem drinker or alcoholic doesn't really matter and the slope is quite slippery. Give yourself a challenge some say try 30 days I say do a full 90 days no pot or drinking. And reasses your life. It takes a good amount of time for the brain to return to functioning at a healthy state where true emotions can be felt.

Do you remember the feeling as a child when you laid your head down at night with visions of an amazing day filled with joy and laughter? That happy cozy peaceful feeling as you drift to sleep. You can have that again. It's better then any buzz!!!

Welcome and best of luck!

Alanytajassa

I underlined my main points that may also point to how other unsual alcohol SR posters may feel.
I am scared of that first step to be sober. Several commenters already commented that not drinking will allow me to feel happier but I am scared that as I suffer from depression, this is not the case. 30 days sober= 30 days dysphoria. I'm a loser who can barely make friends and I am not pretty enough to meet any sexual partners. Left on my own and to my devices, I will drink to get buzzed but not to blackout. [U]Dysphoria is like hell reduced, the general feeling is still there and drinking just totally turns it off! [/U.]I feel hopeless about life when sober but not hopeless enough to take my own life. I feel like all the odds are against me. I am fairly sure I have relatives who are alcoholics or problem drinkers. Anything to escape sobriety. I am immature so I don't care about the effects in the long run for alcohol (ie liver) but I will not do any drug besides drink or weed...Alcohol, I can have a couple beers, feel good for a while then repeat as needed. Heh, it's 5am on a school day and I am buzzed. I don't feel a compulsion to drink, rather a compulsion to not be sober. I will take the next 7 days off if I am able to but sobriety is like this evil in my head. Drinking shuts that bad voice up. As my post title indicates, I do not want to be sober but will try at least a day sober. I am scared for hour 1 sober (not buzzed anymore), I want to run away from sobriety!! I will post again tomorrow when I have entered the evil and hopeless fog of sobriety (and or slight alcohol withdrawals, I don't know yet). I feel so awful then but I cannot cry, I just drink and smoke and feel temporarily shut up and good for a while. I'm scared but will finish all the wine I have until then! I am running away from being sober even though I know I'm on a train to a much worse place than I am now as previous posters have pointed out. I am tipsy and have more drink available as of 5:45am on a school night. I don't care about being hangover for my class, being buzzed is more important and that is where I know part of my problem lies.

Mountainmanbob

it takes time to get to that point for many who sober up
only
if and when we have a true desire to get and stay sober
does sobriety mean anything to us
we see after enough suffering caused by drinking (if alcoholic) ??
that it's the best road traveled

drinking as I look back
although I thought that it did
never really helped my depression
just suppressed it for a while

MM

Alanytajassa

I agree with you, taking that hourly drink or weed hit makes me feel better. I don't believe I am an alcoholic but without my fix every couple hours, I don't like sobriety. It's this evil cooking sheet laid over my head. I might as well be messed as my sober preconceptions are probably so. Not logical, just constant misery and I want it to go away. Drugs are my friend in this regard
1 hour sober is grayish place, depression and is scary to me, the things in my brain are lowered than the average person. I'm just buzzed and blabbering from now on so I'm gonna catch some sleep. I know I need to get sober to avoid further slips into alcoholism or weedism. I just want to feel happy sober but when I wake up and feel so dark and sad, what other option do I have than drink and smoke? Exercise is difficult and long term. I crave a short term solution for my sadness when I feel it so often sober. What else than my friends the pipe and bottle??

anyistoomuch

Alanytajassa -

First of all, welcome. Second, I feel you. I feel like I have been where you are at.

How are you treating your depression? If your depression is chronic, are you in CBT or taking an SSRI? Alcohol gives you a buzz to escape from these low feelings in the short term, but it aggravates those symptoms in the long term, which starts the vicious cycle again of needing alcohol to give yourself the illusion of feeling good or escaping from a reality you think is worse when it is sober.

I hope today is better for you, that you have a lift in your mood so you don't feel so blue, and that you experience some happiness.

Smiles

Dee74

I can guarantee you're not the only person here scared of what life might be like sober

I'd spent my entire adult life drunk, stoned or both - I was terrified of having 'no safety net'.

The fear of what reality might be like was a lot greater than the actual reality itself tho.

Yes, it was tough and the first few weeks were pretty joyless, but my drinking life was pretty rough and joyless too by the end - not drinking or drugging was a distinct improvement on that

At least there's support here - SR was a godsend for me

Addiction is progressive - I'm sure just by the simple fact that you came looking for us, you've already found that things aren't as fun as they used to be....eventually things no longer work as they did, but we still need that hit regardless.

There's no greater horror than to find that drink and drugs don't work anymore - and truthfully...it's inevitable for all of us.

The earlier you can break the cycle, the better it will be for you Alanytajassa.

D

anyistoomuch

STOP this. STOP this. STOP saying these things about yourself. Who has made these decisions about you? Who says these things about you? So there are things you don't like about your social habits and how you look - are those things that YOU CANT TAKE CONTROL OF AND CHANGE? I can tell you one thing, you won't be able to do anything to help yourself as long as you keep drinking to hide the fact that you don't like yourself.