Chronicles of a Recovering Wino
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
Chronicles of a Recovering Wino
I have been contemplating on all the recent posts I have read here on SR regarding relapses.
Historically, I was not able to successfully string any substantial amount of sober days together. My relapses always happened within a few days of every attempt at sobriety. Hence, was it a relapse or was it that I never really stopped in the first place? Perhaps, I just wasn't ready enough?
I don’t know…
So, I decided to put together a personal SR timeline. I wanted to see, in black and white, the progress I have made since my first post on December 28, 2011.
------------------
12/28/11 11:54 pm 1st thread entitled “Hi All! I am new and getting ready to stop”
12/29/11 11:19 am 2nd thread entitled “I am ready…just not willing”.
12/30/11 5:33 am 3rd thread entitled “I poured it down the sink!!”
01/02/12 08:29 pm I posted in the Class of January 2012, “Looking forward to Day 3…”
01/05/12 08:11 am I posted in the Class of January 2012, “Good Morning Class.. Just checking in! Going on day 5 here and feeling strong.”
07/26/13 10:14 am I posted in the Class of July 2013, “I am back!!!”
07/29/13 2:44 am 4th thread entitled, “hey .everyone,, I need help” Content of this thread, “wtf”. (Even today, I do not remember posting this thread…
)
08/04/13 10:06 am 5th thread entitled, “I had an epiphany last night!!! My epiphany was, “This time, I truly acknowledge and accept the fact that I cannot have “just one”. It is not in my chemistry. This “just one is okay” mindset is at the root cause of all my past failures.” At the time I posted this thread, I had 3 days of sobriety.
08/04/13 10:25 pm I posted in the Class of August 2013, “Hi All, Count me in! Finishing up Day 4 now, Looking forward to a Great Day 5!!!”
08/05/13 04:16 pm 6th thread entitled, “Good News: I am on Day 5! Bad News: My AV is kicking and screaming for attention…”
08/07/13 08:08 am 7th thread entitled, “Day 7 for me!!”
08/10/13 12:03 pm 8th thread entitled, “Bad News.. I slipped. Good news… I did not fall down!!” This slip resulted in another 10 day binge.
---
On 08/19/13 I really started to embrace SR and actively post.
08/26/13 03:34pm 9th thread entitled, “Today was a very trying day…” This is my favorite thread. It is a constant reminder to me on how dark and depressing my life was when I drank. I NEVER want to go back to that place and I know that I am only one drink away to reliving that nightmare.
---
Today is my 75th sober day in a row. And... Oh what a battle it has been to get to this point!!
I know I could not have strung together 75 sober days without the help, support, honesty, humility, kindness, and caring of every member here on SR.
Before August 19, 2013, I started a total of 8 threads and commented 48 times on other SR members’ posts. Since August 20, 2013, I started a total of 10 threads, including this one, and commented on over 365 posts.
You are so important to me and I am grateful to you for playing such an important role in my recovery.
I thank you all from the bottom of my heart! xoxoxo
Historically, I was not able to successfully string any substantial amount of sober days together. My relapses always happened within a few days of every attempt at sobriety. Hence, was it a relapse or was it that I never really stopped in the first place? Perhaps, I just wasn't ready enough?
I don’t know…
So, I decided to put together a personal SR timeline. I wanted to see, in black and white, the progress I have made since my first post on December 28, 2011.
------------------
12/28/11 11:54 pm 1st thread entitled “Hi All! I am new and getting ready to stop”
12/29/11 11:19 am 2nd thread entitled “I am ready…just not willing”.
12/30/11 5:33 am 3rd thread entitled “I poured it down the sink!!”
01/02/12 08:29 pm I posted in the Class of January 2012, “Looking forward to Day 3…”
01/05/12 08:11 am I posted in the Class of January 2012, “Good Morning Class.. Just checking in! Going on day 5 here and feeling strong.”
---> WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN JANUARY 5, 2012 AND JULY 26, 2013?? <---
Absolutely nothing good…
Absolutely nothing good…
07/26/13 10:14 am I posted in the Class of July 2013, “I am back!!!”
I personally like this post. It chronicles some of the more recent relapses I have had to finally come back to SR:
• 12/13/11 I attempted sobriety (again) but failed. (I have been quitting the drink for a LONG time!)
• 12/30/11 Another sobriety attempt. Lasted 5 whole days. My last SR post was on 01/05/12.
• 07/05/13–07/18/13 Sober for 13 Days. Decided to have one glass of wine on July 18th. This one drink resulted in an all-out binge lasting for 8 days.
• 07/26/13 Another attempt at sobriety. This attempt lasted a whopping ONE DAY and the resultant binged lasted for 3 days.
• 12/13/11 I attempted sobriety (again) but failed. (I have been quitting the drink for a LONG time!)
• 12/30/11 Another sobriety attempt. Lasted 5 whole days. My last SR post was on 01/05/12.
• 07/05/13–07/18/13 Sober for 13 Days. Decided to have one glass of wine on July 18th. This one drink resulted in an all-out binge lasting for 8 days.
• 07/26/13 Another attempt at sobriety. This attempt lasted a whopping ONE DAY and the resultant binged lasted for 3 days.
07/29/13 2:44 am 4th thread entitled, “hey .everyone,, I need help” Content of this thread, “wtf”. (Even today, I do not remember posting this thread…
)08/04/13 10:06 am 5th thread entitled, “I had an epiphany last night!!! My epiphany was, “This time, I truly acknowledge and accept the fact that I cannot have “just one”. It is not in my chemistry. This “just one is okay” mindset is at the root cause of all my past failures.” At the time I posted this thread, I had 3 days of sobriety.
08/04/13 10:25 pm I posted in the Class of August 2013, “Hi All, Count me in! Finishing up Day 4 now, Looking forward to a Great Day 5!!!”
08/05/13 04:16 pm 6th thread entitled, “Good News: I am on Day 5! Bad News: My AV is kicking and screaming for attention…”
08/07/13 08:08 am 7th thread entitled, “Day 7 for me!!”
08/10/13 12:03 pm 8th thread entitled, “Bad News.. I slipped. Good news… I did not fall down!!” This slip resulted in another 10 day binge.
---
On 08/19/13 I really started to embrace SR and actively post.
08/26/13 03:34pm 9th thread entitled, “Today was a very trying day…” This is my favorite thread. It is a constant reminder to me on how dark and depressing my life was when I drank. I NEVER want to go back to that place and I know that I am only one drink away to reliving that nightmare.
---
Today is my 75th sober day in a row. And... Oh what a battle it has been to get to this point!!
I know I could not have strung together 75 sober days without the help, support, honesty, humility, kindness, and caring of every member here on SR.
Before August 19, 2013, I started a total of 8 threads and commented 48 times on other SR members’ posts. Since August 20, 2013, I started a total of 10 threads, including this one, and commented on over 365 posts.
You are so important to me and I am grateful to you for playing such an important role in my recovery.
I thank you all from the bottom of my heart! xoxoxo
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
Many, many congratulations on 75 days. That is fantastic! I'm sure your post will be inspirational to many as it shows what you can achieve if you never give up and just keep on trying 
Thank you so much for sharing your struggle
Thank you so much for sharing your struggle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
Thank-you, ImperfectlyMe and Headlump!!! I so much appreciate your warm comments!
I just re-read this thread and felt the desire to re-post the other thread (which I wrote for me) and posted here on SR on August 26.
This is what becomes of my life when I have that first drink. I know it and I fear it. Sobriety is so much better!!!
---
Posted: Monday, 08/26/2013 at 3:34 PM
Today was a very trying day...
________________________________________
Dear SR: This post is actually written by me and for me. I feel it is important for me to write this day down in case I need to remember it in the future...
----
It started out as a very nice morning ... met a friend at a local coffee shop around 11:00 am.
She is looking for retail space to open a new business. I am in real estate so I said I would help her. We strolled around the busy Italian section of my town for a bit looking for potential store fronts. At the end of our stroll, a very good friend suddenly called out my name. I turned, and there he was, smiling and waving at me!!
It was so great to see him! He was finishing up lunch at a very quaint Italian restaurant and enjoying a nice glass of red wine. He invited us to sit down and chat for a while.
I was thrilled to see him!! Plus, it was a beautiful day! All the windows in this restaurant were open and there was such a wonderful cross-breeze. The flowers in the flower boxes, which lined all the windows, danced in the warm summer sun and gentle breeze.
What a great day and wonderful surprise to see him!!! Right??
For the first 5 minutes and until the waitress was able to visit our table, I stared at his glass of red wine. It smelled so good.
Plus, it was such a beautiful day... And I was really not planning on bumping into my friend ... And, did I mentioned, his glass of red wine smelled so good?? It was also the perfect shade of red to boot!!
I sat there for 5 minutes salivating like a rabic dog... What to do??? What to do???
I decided to take a moment and think about what I most likely would do if I had that one glass of wine.
---
History has proven, time and time again, that most likely, if I had that one glass of wine, then I will pick up a full bottle on my way home. Why? Today was such a special day... How many days are like this? Truly a very special day!!
I will then proceed to consume the entire bottle, at home and all alone, within the next 2 hours.
From there, I will most likely walk out to the nearest wine store and pick up another bottle. I will tell the clerk that this bottle is for my friend's birthday... or my cousin's birthday ... or my client's birthday... (The last time I was in this wine store, the clerk commented on the shear size of my immediate family and on how many clients I have!! lol..)
Any who...
I will then come home and consume at least 1/2 of this bottle, if not more ... then pass out .. and then awake around 10:15pm.
Oh no!!! 10:15 pm and I only have 1/2 a bottle of wine left... Can't' have that now, can I???
Since I am fully clothed, it will only make sense that I proceed to another wine store, a bit further away than the previous one I had visited a bit earlier. This time, I will ask the clerk to remove the price tag because it is a retirement gift for a very special co-worker!!
I will then go home and drink a bit more until I pass out yet again.
Upon waking in the morning, I will feel like absolute crap. Fortunately, I will still have a little bit of wine left over.
I will only have one sip to make me feel a bit better and to take the edge off. One sip??? Seriously... I still have wine left over!!
Oh No!!! Bottle is empty? Off to the store I go. Hello, Mr. Clerk "My step-uncle's birthday is today! YEAH!!!""
And... Let the binge begin!!!
---
When the waitress approached the table, I placed an order for a tall glass of iced-water.
I stood strong. I said to myself, "Not again. Enough. You do not want this any more. You deserve better. You are worth more. Just give yourself a chance. Just say No."
It was honestly the best tasting iced-cold glass of water that I ever had!! Incredibly refreshing!!!
Phew!!! So close...
Day 8, Here I come!!!
_________________
Originally Posted by FourSeasons 
08/26/13 03:34pm 9th thread entitled, “Today was a very trying day…” This is my favorite thread. It is a constant reminder to me on how dark and depressing my life was when I drank. I NEVER want to go back to that place and I know that I am only one drink away to reliving that nightmare.
This is what becomes of my life when I have that first drink. I know it and I fear it. Sobriety is so much better!!!
---
Posted: Monday, 08/26/2013 at 3:34 PM
Today was a very trying day...
________________________________________
Dear SR: This post is actually written by me and for me. I feel it is important for me to write this day down in case I need to remember it in the future...
----
It started out as a very nice morning ... met a friend at a local coffee shop around 11:00 am.
She is looking for retail space to open a new business. I am in real estate so I said I would help her. We strolled around the busy Italian section of my town for a bit looking for potential store fronts. At the end of our stroll, a very good friend suddenly called out my name. I turned, and there he was, smiling and waving at me!!
It was so great to see him! He was finishing up lunch at a very quaint Italian restaurant and enjoying a nice glass of red wine. He invited us to sit down and chat for a while.
I was thrilled to see him!! Plus, it was a beautiful day! All the windows in this restaurant were open and there was such a wonderful cross-breeze. The flowers in the flower boxes, which lined all the windows, danced in the warm summer sun and gentle breeze.
What a great day and wonderful surprise to see him!!! Right??
For the first 5 minutes and until the waitress was able to visit our table, I stared at his glass of red wine. It smelled so good.
Plus, it was such a beautiful day... And I was really not planning on bumping into my friend ... And, did I mentioned, his glass of red wine smelled so good?? It was also the perfect shade of red to boot!!
I sat there for 5 minutes salivating like a rabic dog... What to do??? What to do???
I decided to take a moment and think about what I most likely would do if I had that one glass of wine.
---
History has proven, time and time again, that most likely, if I had that one glass of wine, then I will pick up a full bottle on my way home. Why? Today was such a special day... How many days are like this? Truly a very special day!!
I will then proceed to consume the entire bottle, at home and all alone, within the next 2 hours.
From there, I will most likely walk out to the nearest wine store and pick up another bottle. I will tell the clerk that this bottle is for my friend's birthday... or my cousin's birthday ... or my client's birthday... (The last time I was in this wine store, the clerk commented on the shear size of my immediate family and on how many clients I have!! lol..)
Any who...
I will then come home and consume at least 1/2 of this bottle, if not more ... then pass out .. and then awake around 10:15pm.
Oh no!!! 10:15 pm and I only have 1/2 a bottle of wine left... Can't' have that now, can I???
Since I am fully clothed, it will only make sense that I proceed to another wine store, a bit further away than the previous one I had visited a bit earlier. This time, I will ask the clerk to remove the price tag because it is a retirement gift for a very special co-worker!!
I will then go home and drink a bit more until I pass out yet again.
Upon waking in the morning, I will feel like absolute crap. Fortunately, I will still have a little bit of wine left over.
I will only have one sip to make me feel a bit better and to take the edge off. One sip??? Seriously... I still have wine left over!!
Oh No!!! Bottle is empty? Off to the store I go. Hello, Mr. Clerk "My step-uncle's birthday is today! YEAH!!!""
And... Let the binge begin!!!
---
When the waitress approached the table, I placed an order for a tall glass of iced-water.
I stood strong. I said to myself, "Not again. Enough. You do not want this any more. You deserve better. You are worth more. Just give yourself a chance. Just say No."
It was honestly the best tasting iced-cold glass of water that I ever had!! Incredibly refreshing!!!
Phew!!! So close...
Day 8, Here I come!!!
_________________
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Scotland UK
Posts: 122
THANK YOU FourSeasons! I was going to start a thread to ask if anyone had been like me at the beginning of their sobriety journey. This is exactly what I needed today. I'm a serial stopper/starter. I get a few days then... you know the rest. I feel like a lost cause. Your post is very inspiring. I'm on day 1 again, this time with a more solid plan (Antabuse, counselling, RR, reading recovery books and reading lots here on SR). Maybe this time it will stick, I hope so.
Congratulations and well done on your 75 days, that's truly a wonderful achievement.
Congratulations and well done on your 75 days, that's truly a wonderful achievement.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Very helpful post FourSeasons! I'm sure many will benefit from your insight. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share what's happened.
Proud of you for those 75 days sober. You sound 'ready enough' now - and you've learned something valuable.
Proud of you for those 75 days sober. You sound 'ready enough' now - and you've learned something valuable.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
Your story is a good example of how failing on the first attempt to get free from the booze isn't the make-or-break moment at all. For many it's that second- and third-attempt (or nth) at corking the bottle where it finally sticks and things start making sense.
To paraphrase a famous quote, it is far better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all.
Glad to hear you are up to 75 days, that's serious business!
To paraphrase a famous quote, it is far better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all.
Glad to hear you are up to 75 days, that's serious business!
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
First, congratulations on 75 days! 
Love the post! I think going back and looking at prior posts is essential. You can learn from everyone here but one of your best lessons is you reflecting back on where you were and what was going on at the time. Only when you do that can you find a way to correct the situation.
Love the post! I think going back and looking at prior posts is essential. You can learn from everyone here but one of your best lessons is you reflecting back on where you were and what was going on at the time. Only when you do that can you find a way to correct the situation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
FourSeasons, I think it takes a lot sometimes to get those wheels in motion. I know it did for me. Thank you for your post. It is good to see that you are thinking things through. Stay strong, stay resolved, stay present. You are doing this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Congrats FourSeasons on your sobriety and not ever giving up.
What this has really reminded me as that so many first-time posters who are talking about moderation, or not being ready, or that they aren't really alcoholics but problem drinkers, really do need our compassion and not our snap judgements.
I've really been noticing how Dee and Anna always respond to these posters with some version of welcome, or welcome and "well, it didn't work in my case" without saying it just doesn't work.
The fact that they are here and looking really does mean that we are a community and all of us are at different stages. Some of us aren't even to the "posting stage" yet but are reading to see how we treat other new posters.
This is a safe space and that is a wonderful gift we all give each other
What this has really reminded me as that so many first-time posters who are talking about moderation, or not being ready, or that they aren't really alcoholics but problem drinkers, really do need our compassion and not our snap judgements.
I've really been noticing how Dee and Anna always respond to these posters with some version of welcome, or welcome and "well, it didn't work in my case" without saying it just doesn't work.
The fact that they are here and looking really does mean that we are a community and all of us are at different stages. Some of us aren't even to the "posting stage" yet but are reading to see how we treat other new posters.
This is a safe space and that is a wonderful gift we all give each other
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Congrats FourSeasons on your sobriety and not ever giving up.
What this has really reminded me as that so many first-time posters who are talking about moderation, or not being ready, or that they aren't really alcoholics but problem drinkers, really do need our compassion and not our snap judgements.
I've really been noticing how Dee and Anna always respond to these posters with some version of welcome, or welcome and "well, it didn't work in my case" without saying it just doesn't work.
The fact that they are here and looking really does show us all that we are a community and all of us are at different stages. Some of us aren't even to the "posting stage" yet but are reading to see how we treat other new posters.
This is a safe space and that is a wonderful gift we all give each other
What this has really reminded me as that so many first-time posters who are talking about moderation, or not being ready, or that they aren't really alcoholics but problem drinkers, really do need our compassion and not our snap judgements.
I've really been noticing how Dee and Anna always respond to these posters with some version of welcome, or welcome and "well, it didn't work in my case" without saying it just doesn't work.
The fact that they are here and looking really does show us all that we are a community and all of us are at different stages. Some of us aren't even to the "posting stage" yet but are reading to see how we treat other new posters.
This is a safe space and that is a wonderful gift we all give each other
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