smilingsoul

Hi everyone - I am new to this process and would appreciate any words of wisdom or comfort that you have to offer. My wife of almost 3 years now is an alcoholic. She seems to cycle with a few months sober then a relapse and on and on. It has just been within the last 6 months that I have really come to accept that I am in an alcoholic marriage. I blamed her drinking on me until about 6 months ago when I sought out some Al-Anon info and podcasts online. Now I understand that I didn't cause it and I can't control it. Before I felt like she was stressed out at managing a marriage and a new family. I have 4 children from a previous marriage. Now I know it is just the disease. However, it makes me so angry and sad when she drinks. She is so cold to me when her alcoholic brain is in control. Me, as the good co-dependent; thought I could help fix this. But I know in my heart that this is her battle, not mine. I just don't know what to do when she relapses? She did so tonight so when I googled "what to do when your alcoholic relapses" it brought me here. I am hoping someone can help me figure out how to manage this. I love her with all my heart and I hate seeing this happen but she needs to take responsibility for this. I don't like living this way.

Mizzuno

Hello. Yes, she has to take responsibility for her drinking. With reading your words, I hear a lot of love coming out of you. I am sorry that you are in an alcoholic marriage and that you are dealing with this relapse. Please know that there is help for you. We have a friends and family section, as well as this part of the forum. I am an alcoholic, and I relapsed many times. It was never anyone's fault, never because of any circumstance. It is not your fault and never will be. The only solution for her is to quit. It is that simple, yet also that hard. Dont take all of her stuff on. It is not yours. Boundaries are imperative with this situation and I hope that you have some in place. We are here for you.

Hevyn

Welcome smilingsoul. I'm so glad you reached out for some support and help for yourself. As Mizz mentioned, we hope you'll check out our Friends and Family Forum too - many who post there are going through the same thing.

I'm on the other side of this - I'm the alcoholic. For me, I was mostly unaware of all the pain and confusion I was causing others. You may want to consider attending Al-Anon meetings. I hope knowing you aren't alone will help relieve your anxiety. Glad you are here.

JadeSatellite

Welcome Have you talked to your wife about how you are feeling?

LadyBlue0527

Hi smilingsoul,

You've come to the right place, you'll find a lot of love and support in these forums. I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

There's a forum for friends and family members who are going through exactly the same and you'll find a lot of help there. Here's a link for you

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I wish you the best of luck.

smilingsoul

Yes, she is well aware of my feelings. She says she is tired of "F***ing up" but she continues to do so anyway. The last 3 months had been very wonderful with the most open communication ever between us regarding this issue. We had started attending church on Sundays which seemed to help be a touchtone of sorts during the week. However due to other activities we had missed a couple of Sundays recently. Even so she seemed to still be connected to her higher power. There is often no rhyme or reason for her relapses so they tend to take me off guard and but me off balance. And when she drinks she gets cold and nasty with me and pulls all the victim language out so I end up feeling like I did something wrong when, in fact I did not. Funny how they can make us feel bad when they are the ones screwing up!

Correy

I learned several things along my long, long alcoholic life:

- never discuss any serious issues with a drunk while they are inebriated;
- whatever talk one would like to have with anyone else, one should always start with the compliment, always! That thingy, the compliment, has an enormous, mysterious power;
- if someone creates a mess when drunk, focus on how great, neat, funny, smart, whatever they are when sober;
- always talk about how YOU feel as a result of someone's action and not what the other has done in a sense of criticism.

Marshall B. Rosenberg, a founder of non-violent communication is a great teacher.

In fact, I will open a thread with him to help us all

rowd44

does she go to AA - work the 12 steps?

least

to SR! Try the link that LadyBlue gave you for the friends and family forum. Lots of fresh insight there.