Its an addiction. Getting clean for me was an ugly struggle for a few years. Oftentimes you lose. I think getting to the stage where you can acknowledge you cannot trust your own thoughts is an important step. I think the next step for we was a greater awareness of 'cravings' at their more subtle levels, and accepting that most of my emotional reactions were heavily influenced by my addiction.

Yes! I only wish I'd known that years ago!

W.

hey there otb, sorry i missed this thread yesterday, i was trying to take advantage of warm weather in my area...i get so much more done when i'm sober.
ok, i think you need a plan too....whatever it is when you think of going to the liquor store and want to buy a bottle...remember barfing into the trash, can you afford this? emotionally, physically, financially?

i was 45 days sober when i stopped and bought a bottle of wine the first time, it didnt kill me....3 months later i had a lost weekend binge, then i started tracking my slips, wrote them on the kitchen calendar, realized that they coincided with other regular stressors for me....and copied someone from here (dear Amy)... my response to AV..is "not an option"...sounds silly, but drinking is no longer on my *go-to* menu.

congrats for getting on here and asking for help, talking it out...i hope you feel better today.

I haven't read all the posts, but will just give my experience.
When I was quitting for real.
I drank MORE than before.
The obsession was all-consuming.
It took me from August to October to quit.
It has been three years now.
I just remember being baffled!
What is this about!!!????
The more I tried to quit, the more I drank!
The last drink was just so ridiculous and exhausting, that even though I didn't "know" it at the time, it was the last drink. Your bottle of vodka experience could be that moment for you.
Only the other day, I was driving home through the village.
I saw a young man carrying about three slabs of cans to his car.
I became overwhelmed by a weird feeling.
I realized that I would never drink again.
Three years, and that was the first time that I really "knew" that.
Please keep trying.
Hugs.

Wow, what an insightful post! Thank you Hollyanne! Yes, that is so true about when I finally decided to quit "for real" my AV went freaking nuts. I never thought of it that way but that is indeed what happened. Especially when I got a few weeks clean behind me and something seemed to click that this was going to be "it" after years of trying to moderate and failing. I got about six weeks in, gave into a "glass" of wine, and proceeded to drink so much in two days that I should be dead of alcohol poisoning. Thank God for SR. I logged on and explained what was happening and got talked down from and out of that binge. That next day was the last drink I had.

But, yes, OTB, that may very well be what happened. Be on guard. That is why you should try, as much as possible, to not be alone around booze (do not have any in your house for any reason) and to keep busy. Your AV will get the message soon enough. The incessant voice will go down to a mumble and then a whisper. As Hollyanne says, it never goes away completely (or for many it doesn't) and might always pop back in there with a "Hey, how about just one?" when you least expect it...but it will be fewer and farther between. And when it does appear it will feel and sound foreign. It won't take long for that to happen, I promise.

Hope you're doing OK this morning and I am thinking of you and sending you good vibes and hugs!!

"......I'm in a new city and the AA meeting I went to here, while it helped me not drink, was full of people I didn't connect with emotionally. I do need a plan. I need someone that I can talk to. I think I'll try a different meeting today,

See if there are less people with (what feels like) a lifetime of sobriety from my grandparents generation, and more people who are struggling like me.

I find comfort from people fighting similar demons, the urge to help each other through. Not so much from people preaching to me who have been sober for 30+ years, not that I don't value their advice, just that I think they've forgotten how it feels when you are just starting out and fighting for your life. At least, that's how the people at the meeting in my new town were...I know they are all different though.[/QUOTE]

Regarding the above,
I arrived to my first meeting.
It was all men.
All sober for a while, some for decades, three brothers!
I asked if it was a mens' meeting.
I called it a "social club". It kind of was.

Well, I was pretty desperate and went to every mtg.
They called in another woman from the area to deal with the blubbering mess! They were very kind.
From there, I went with a couple of them to other mtgs.
One guy didn't drive and was thrilled to go with me.
I ended up getting incredible support.
I had my own team getting me sober.
I haven't met anyone yet who got as much support!

And, since then, the meeting has become much more vibrant and has loads of newcomers and some others have come back.
So, maybe you can go and get a whole team to mind you and be the catalyst to revive a stagnant meeting!

Thanks everyone, for the support, advice, shoulder to cry on, venting board, and so on. I really appreciate it!! I've checked in here and there today to read but have tried to keep myself very busy today. So far, so good. I was afraid I was going to end up back at step one and be sick, thankfully I feel alright today, heck of a lot better than yesterday. Ready to get back on track. It felt so good to know I wasn't the only one new to sobriety that had a major slip up and that it didn't have to be a downward spiral. So, I've picked myself back up and am working my way through the day.

:ring