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Slipped BAD.

Old 11-02-2013, 07:14 AM
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Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
 
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Ahhh, yes. From one hider to another, my favorite time to drink was when I was a alone and no one would bother me so I could guzzle that poison as fast as humanly possible to get my selff good and bombed. Then I could just pull the shade on my mind. And......scene.

The AV has a special affinity for chicks like me because my raging inferiority complex would then kick into hyperspace and on top of it I could have the extra added mentally destructive benefit of feeling like an absolute tool to compound the misery.

Good times. Good times.

YOU are worth sobriety. You alone. You with people. You at work.

Who, really, are we hiding from ?
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Old 11-02-2013, 07:14 AM
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AO, as always, so insightful. I want to give you a big hug!! Seriously. I wish some of you were closer to me physically. While I love the security of being anonymous on the Internet, YOU are the people I need in my day to day life. A support group. AA meetings are just read from the big book. They don't let people share what HELPED them reach that point. I'm an avid reader, but I don't want to sit there for an hour and listen to someone else read. I want real advice. Tips for coping. Shared experiences. Communication. Every AA meeting I've been to is so one sided. Read from the book. State your story. Don't ask questions or talk to the person about their story. It doesn't work for me. I want communication. Back and forth feedback. Does that make sense? Am I the only one who feels this way about meetings? Maybe I'm going to the wrong meetings? Maybe I'm delusional and do need to just shut up and listen. I don't know anymore. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's them. Maybe it's AA as a whole. I know I don't want to drink. I know I've tried AA in two different towns. I know I never felt like I fit in, but I also know I never wanted to drink after I left. My brain is clearly foggy this morning too. Sorry for rambling.

Last edited by onthebrink; 11-02-2013 at 07:17 AM. Reason: Ipad stupid typos
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Old 11-02-2013, 07:16 AM
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Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
 
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You got us sister. We are right here. 24/7.

Lean on us,

XO AO
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Old 11-02-2013, 07:17 AM
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Onthebrink.

this is where you are beginning to detect the Addictive Voice so you can seperate yourself from it. Keeping busy and staying in company is great but that's not always possible for us. I don't drink,ever. I've been sober coming up on six years. I also drank alone but I am happy to be alone and sober. I know you can too.

love from Lenina
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Old 11-02-2013, 07:20 AM
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Hi OTB, and glad you're back on the horse today! Like others have said, slip-ups happen. The most important thing is that you learn from them and remember them. Hawkeyes idea about putting a reminder (your OP or something else) often helps. When I get shaky I come here and read some of my initial posts. I also have bookmarked a few that really resonated with me and I read them. I agree that scaring the crap out of yourself after the fact is not terribly useful as it just feeds the cycle of guilt/shame/remorse that your AV LOVES to feast on. Fuel for the fire, so to speak.

However. Coming here and reading some of those things when the urge first hits (which you will get better and better at noticing earlier on) is really helpful as it seems to, at least in my case, kick my AV into submission.

I used to do the same with the drinking all day thing. I would get up on a perfectly beautiful day with all of these grand plans and then find myself with a glass of wine in my hand at 9am and, bam, that was the end of my day. I would wonder how the hell I had gotten there.

For me, I had to occupy almost every spare moment that I had to myself in very early sobriety. It didn't matter WHAT I was doing but that I was doing something. Preferably something that exhausted me. A lot of people here suggested volunteering and that is majorly helpful because you have something to do, are helping someone else, and it's harder to shrug off when you have a commitment to something or someone outside of yourself.

If that initial AA meeting didn't work, give a few others a try. They are all different. I can't stand the preachy/lecture/holy type of meetings but have found some that are totally my style. They all vary.

Best wishes to you and so glad you posted! You sound like you are very self-aware and committed and you will beat this thing, I have no doubt. At nine months sober, I can finally face my weekends with "nothing" to do and not worry. It'll come, I promise
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Old 11-02-2013, 07:23 AM
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Very good advice from ptcapote! Thank you,

Love from Lenina
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Old 11-02-2013, 07:25 AM
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Sounds to me like you have to avoid alone time at all costs in the beginning of your sobriety. Grocery stores/Wal-marts/coffee shops/McDonalds and getting on this forum which is open 24/7 any time a craving hits. Stop knee-jerk reactions. When a craving hits, observe it, what does it feel like physically? Where in your body are you feeling your craving? For me, that helps depersonalize the craving, seeing it as separate, for the beast it really is . . . . My last big craving was last weekend. I confessed to my October classmates that I was going through it and I realized subconsciously I had been thinking about it for days. Confessing before I did the deed, kept me accountable and I was able to stay sober. You can do this! Stay strong!
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Old 11-02-2013, 08:00 AM
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this guilt built and built

Originally Posted by onthebrink View Post

See, I'm a hider

If I'm by myself- I drink myself stupid.

My issue is being alone where I feel like no one will know
wow as I think back to the many years I lived alone

long lonely nights with much drink and a lot of smoke

"when I drink I drink alone"

I have a higher power who I call God

it got to me knowing that

I could not hide my drinking from God

everything that I did or do

I know he's there

this guilt built and built over the years of heavy drinking

sure did feel good when the final day of repentance came

turn and drink no more - or something worse may happen to us ???????

Mountainman
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Old 11-02-2013, 08:18 AM
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I was a secret drinker too. I drank at home, alone and couldn't imagine being in that situation and not drinking. When I got to the root of that issue, I realized I just didn't like being alone with myself. I disliked myself so much that I used alcohol so I didn't have to face myself. I had to learn to start enjoying my own company before I could get past that hurdle. Now, I like being around people, but I crave solitude as well.
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Old 11-02-2013, 08:54 AM
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I haven't been on in a while and had almost three weeks of total sobriety, although my sleep was not good and I find that when I am tired, I tend to reach for the beer. However, I lost my job and with that, of course, my health insurance. I am terrified of what will happen when I cannot afford the few hundred a month and get penalized by the government. I broke last Friday after a big arguement with my ex over child expenses. I had plans to spend the weekend with a friend, it's about an hour drive and I got on the road, bags packed and stopped at the convenient store and bought beer. I told myself that I forgot to lock up and possibly left the stove on....all of what is bullcrapola because I hadn't cooked on it that day, but man my mind was all for it. I actually UNLOCKED my doors, carried in the beer, popped one open and drank it like it was water. I have been alone for the last week and have not stopped drinking. Wake up, pop the top and go until bed. So, sweetie, I know how you feel. I awoke this morning feeling okay and BAM, beer was opened and before I knew it, gone. So I came back here, because I can't do it alone and I don't have a support system that I trust. The last time I slipped, I called my sister and two close friends and all three gave me the same "talk" and told me "you always do this, why do you keep coming back to us?" So now, when it happens, I tell noone and hope the binge will just go away. It's sad that people just don't understand if they don't have the addiction. I felt like yelling at my friend and saying YOU DON'T NEED TO EAT 5 HERSHEY CANDYBARS DAILY AND THEN BI#$% ABOUT YOUR DIABETES!...but I don't, I listen and offer calm and soothing advice and any support I can give her. I've been where you are and it stinks. I've also been sober for several months and loved it...although that journey was hard and sometimes I wouldn't feel so well, but it was a lot better than this!

This is a great place to be and I hope you do find someone to talk to, I miss that as well. Hugs
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Old 11-02-2013, 09:04 AM
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Tammygirl,

I hope you find your someone to talk to as well. It's so much harder when you're feeling alone and people don't understand why you're struggling. We all have our battles to face and feeling like no one GETS IT just hurts. People understand if you have cancer, they understand if you have diabetes, they don't understand alcoholism unless they are an alcoholic.
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Old 11-02-2013, 10:01 AM
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Originally Posted by tammygirl View Post
YOU DON'T NEED TO EAT 5 HERSHEY CANDYBARS DAILY AND THEN BI#$% ABOUT YOUR DIABETES!..."
That is a great analogy, tammygirl. If you can be calm, then I think you should say exactly that to your friend... but in a very calm voice...

Onthebrink - You slipped. You know you have a problem. You acknowledge it. You are aware of it. You know it is destructive. Most important, you want to stop.

Honestly, I think it takes a while to finally accept the fact that alcohol is not a friend and that you truly have had it... No more. Never again.... AND actually believe it in your heart. You have to want sobriety so badly. You really need to feel it within every fiber of your being.

Please remember the pain you feel now. Hold on dearly to that pain. Don't forget it. Live for it. Live it daily!!!

The next time you want a drink, or feel like you will not live another second without it, then force yourself to think of what most likely will happen if you have that first drink. Ruminate that thought in your mind. Simply, go over it and over it and over it until the urge passes. And it will!!!

This is my number one tool for not drinking. I have urges daily. At one point, I was up to two bottles of red wine daily... Horrible! So sad and disgusting... What a waste I was.

I absolutely do not want to go back to that dark and depressing place. It terrifies me...

Today, I am over 70 days sober and loving each moment. I am so grateful to have arrived at this place and to be fully cognizant of the fact that there is no such thing has having "just one". I finally surrendered!

SOBRIETY IS A GIFT!!!
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Old 11-02-2013, 10:26 AM
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Originally Posted by onthebrink View Post
I think I just need to go to work 7 days a week. Leave me home by myself and I'm drinking all damn day. I don't even know why I did it or what provoked me to. I bought a bottle of vodka at 8am Friday morning and other than taking a nap (also known as passing out) 3 times I drank that b*tch until I went to bed at 11pm. Now I felt like sh!t the whole time, got NOTHING done that I wanted to get done Friday. Pretty sure my husband suspected I'd been drinking because he kept taking sips from my second cup - the one without alcohol in it - now I'm awake. Shaky. And feel like utter crap. Why?? Why do I do this to myself?? I feel so broken.

If the period between admitting that I had a problem and actually stopping myself from swallowing liquor was a movie, it would be called "Dance With the Devil", because that's exactly what it was. When faced with the possibility that alcohol was going to vanish, my AV started bargaining, wheedling, whining, begging, crying...that son of a bit*h had no shame. I believe when your AV sees the writing on the wall, saying that their reign as the shot caller (literally AND figuratively) is about to come crashing down around them it's suddenly all hands on deck...the drinking must be protected at all costs, and things can get rapidly worse. In my case, my absolute worst period of drinking was this period between admitting I had a problem and stopping for good.

I tell you this because it sounds like your AV is starting to go into overdrive. If you can understand this, address it, conquer it, then you'll be so much closer to the stopping for good destination. Maybe you've already arrived!

Try not to get too down on yourself. Cut yourself some slack and for Heavens sake, don't spend the day punishing yourself. Maybe you might even try to pamper yourself a bit. Take a hot bath, drink lots of hot tea with milk and honey. I'm not about to get between you and your husband...You know what to do.

Chalk this up to lessons learned.
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Old 11-02-2013, 10:30 AM
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it will be different this time -- will it ???

Originally Posted by FourSeasons View Post

Please remember the pain you feel now. Hold on dearly to that pain. Don't forget it. Live for it. Live it daily!!!

SOBRIETY IS A GIFT!!!
you know
I bring up in AA meetings often (more than most others)
the pain that drinking caused me and my friends and loved ones
I bring up often the terrible events caused by my heavy drinking
why
I don't ever want to forget again
yes
there were times in which I had some sober time
only to deceive myself yet again with the thought of
I can drink this time with no consequences
it will be different this time

the fool that fooled himself -- yet again

a fool is one who fools himself

MM
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Old 11-02-2013, 10:40 AM
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On the brink: You wrote in part, "Why do I do this to myself?? I feel so broken."

Good question. To shed light on an answer it might be possible to focus on the reference to "I", "myself". You say that "I am doing this to myself". Could it be that with addiction the "self", the "I" is divided against itself? In a way there are two "selfs", one the old preaddictive self, numbed by alcohol, and now under the influence of a more primitive "addictive self" residing deep in what has been called the "lizard" part of the brain, the seat of emotions, fears, cravings. Since the body's physiology and chemistry have changed this primitive part of the brain does everything it can to keep up the supply of alcohol. Hence you are indeed doing it to yourself. The way out is to diminish and finally end the power of the addictive self, something which is possible through a recovery program, such as AA or Rational Recovery. I also found helpful the companionship and advice of other alcoholics in recovery. It's a repair job and it's not easy. Changing back the chemistry, the physiology and subduing the influence of the addictive part of the brain. Others have done it. You can.

W.
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Old 11-02-2013, 10:49 AM
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onthebrink, yeah I used to do the hiding out and drinking alone at home thing too. With the AA meetings, I would suggest getting there early and staying afterwards to talk people one-on-one or in small groups. When I started doing that, people started directly telling me how they got sober. Keep looking for similarities between you and whoever's speaking during the actual meetings. Even if I can't relate to the things other people have done, I can relate to the feelings they describe.

If you do want to ask questions of the person telling their story, go up to them after the meeting and strike up a conversation with them. They'll be happy to help. All of this was so awkward for me to do at the beginning because I'm so naturally a "hider" but I'm 3 months and 3 weeks back from my last relapse now and going for a coffee with three other women after the meeting this morning just showed me how far I've come.

Like Ptcapote said, you come across as very self-aware and that will help you to continue learning from this slip and from the sober week you put together before that. No one can take that week away from you. Now is the time to build on it! This time coming back from my relapse, I also started saying "I just won't drink today" instead of making the grandiose but empty promises I had in the past and it's still working for me.
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Old 11-02-2013, 11:36 AM
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Thank you all, and thank you Louise82, I think I do need to spend more time trying to connect with the people at the meetings. My issue always seems to be that I have to get home to do xyz for the kids. This is where I think inpatient treatment is so helpful because the focus is on the alcoholic's recovery. Unfortunately, those of us in the real world have demons to battle and lives to live at the same time. It's harder I think. Not impossible, but harder. Some times I would like to be taken away and able to focus only on getting better. But being a mom, wife, provider come first. This doesn't make it impossible. Just means I have to fight harder to give myself what I need to get better. And I do believe it is an illness. I don't think we're weak. I don't think we're bad people. I think there is a chemical imbalance that makes some people more prone to fall victim to alcoholism than others. Yes, it is an addiction. But it starts off so benign. You don't see the problem until you're in too deep. Cigarettes. Everyone knows they're addictive. Don't want to be addicted, don't smoke. Seems simple. Alcohol should also warn people that it can be addictive. In reality, that probably would not have stopped me but I still feel it needs more press. Only after I had a problem did I learn that there is a family history of alcoholism on my fathers side. Still, the labels point out the side effects of drinking while pregnant, drinking and driving, no where have I seen "drink this and you could become an alcoholic." Is it an excuse? Absolutely not. But dealing with this, I still feel like it should be on there somewhere. Then again, they might have to add labels to chocolate that say "eat this and you could get fat". *shaking my head*

We all know these things but somehow, some of us, manage to get attacked while others can eat their chocolate and never gain a pound. I know I have to watch what I eat, guess this just means I need to watch what I drink too. I don't give a second thought to cutting out sweets, you'd think I could cut the booze as easily.

I honestly never thought I would be an alcoholic. Never gave a damn about alcohol, take it or leave it like I said, until about 4 years ago. Then SLAM DUNK, now I'm an alcoholic and it's really hard to wrap my brain around that sometimes.

Fought with my husband a LOT today. Is it him or is it me? I'm not the most rational today so we agreed to disagree but he has a problem with leaving it at that and has to make comments under his breath which seriously PISSES ME OFF. If it's done, it's done. We're not having a good day. Walk away until we can both come back calmer. Don't critacize and then walk away from me mumbling under your breath the whole time. I am trying to avoid freaking out here and you are SO not helping. Gaaaa!!!

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Old 11-02-2013, 01:34 PM
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Sorry On the Brink that you're having a tough time right now. Hope things look a little sunnier soon. From what you say it looks like you've got some anger inside. That often happens when the alcohol disappears. Something inside you is angry that it's not there any more. Says, "Where's the booze? Bring back the booze!" Don't fall for that! Hang tough. You sound like a tough, gutsy determined person. I like what General Grant said, "I propose to fight it out on this line if it takes all summer!" Go for it!

W.
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Old 11-02-2013, 03:33 PM
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Hi onthebrink

I think you need a plan too. I believe relapses are not a part of recovery, they're a part of our addiction - they're a pretty brutal reminder that whatever we've been doing for our recovery it's not enough.

what other things can you do to make sure this never happens again?

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Old 11-02-2013, 03:39 PM
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“Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall”
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