DALinUSA

I am married to a man I am very attractive to who is incredibly kind, loving, gracious.....when he wants to be. The other side of his personality is that he is very verbally abusive, sneaky and selfish. He's had five back surgeries (3 levels are fused) and his last one was in August of this year. We have a blended family of 5 kids of which the 14 and 18 year olds live with us. Our kids are 14 (his daughter from a girlfriend) 18 (one of 2 sons out from his last marriage 22 (second son - who is actually married and has a child of his own in a neighboring state); 19 (my son who is in a somewhat local college and 20 (my other son who has been 'lost' after he ran away his senior year living with friends and smoking pot just recently....when he ran out of places to go. He now lives with my ex-husband and we are working together to try and support him getting the help he needs AND wants.

I just need to talk with someone about the ongoing verbal abuse and "Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde" personality my husband has been on for several years now as a result of his severely addictive personality and the pain meds he takes for his back - and I take off and on - when thinks spike or I have a minor injury that 'acts like I have broken bones from my CPRS/RSD.

My husband steals my medication, then tries to "bully" me after I've caught him. His parents have been married for 50 years and he grew up with the motto - don't ask - don't tell. I grew up in a very abusive and dysfunctional family and recognize the signs. I left him once this year (moved out with furniture) but it only lasted 4 weeks.....because he turned the charm back on. I just need an outlet to feel like I'm not alone, and not judge me for my decisions. in my early life I've been through all the programs, Alateen, Alanon, NA, AA, adult children of alcoholics, church programs, individual counseling. But I keep struggling with 'am I making this worse than it really is'. Thank you for any feedback or suggested resources.

wpainterw

From what you say you have already been in touch with several programs, including counseling. I'm not sure what more can be obtained on this website other than moral support and we can give plenty of that! In the final analysis you may have to make some choices and only you can judge whether, what and when to do that. Perhaps you can put your meds somewhere where your husband can't steal them. Stealing them is bad for him, not fair for you and against the law. However from what you say he could be abusive when he finds his access closed. It's up to you to decide. Do keep in touch and good luck.

W.

DALinUSA

You nailed it....moral support, why could I not just put that into words. And yes you are right about making decisions. I would tell anyone else in my position to get out of the situation. I just can't seem to stop wanting to give him another chance - which of course is when he just lets me down again (it's just a matter of time). I thought I was ready to cut the strings when I moved out earlier.....clearly I wasn't. I'm so frustrated about allowing him to pull me down over the years. I guess I just want to whine about it - instead of doing something. I should kick my own butt.

wpainterw

You said in your earlier post that you'd explored "in your earlier life" all those resources you mentioned. What about recently? Would more counseling help? Or is the problem making up your own mind as to what to do and when to do it? It's really tough for you and you have all our very best wishes. Keep posting.

W.

least

to SR! You've come to a very supportive place. Take a look around and post anywhere you like. We have special forums for friends and family of addicts and alcoholics. Post there if you like. And again, welcome!

DALinUSA

Wpainter: I've tried individual and marriage counseling as recent as March - July of this year. But it really is a matter of me pulling up my boot straps and acting in MY best interest as an adult - instead of the feeling I have of hopelessness as a 'child'. For whatever reason, I'm just not ready. I know it's the fear of failing at a second marriage, the anexity about the loss I will have of his family and kids - since I don't have any other family but my mother, in a nuring home....who is more than a handful of joy.

Anyway - thank you and "least' for the welcome....hopefully finding support with others will allow me to gain more strength to actually make a decision and stick to it no matter what. I know I can't help anyone who doesn't want (or acknowledge) they need help. But that doesn't seem to stop me from trying in every way possible I can think of.

Twofish

Dear Dal, You sound like me and my marital situation. Anyway, welcome to SR! If you want jump over to family and friends of addicts and read, read and read some more, post if you feel comfortable you will also be welcomed. Sometimes the answer is right in front of us, all the therapy and support in the world, will be just that, there. What I found is honesty in myself, hope and acceptance of what I didn't cause, cure or fix. Smile, just a little one for us, I suffer along with you and others. Get yourself some hope. Hugs to you from me, TF

DALinUSA

Twofish - Thank you so much! For some strange reason, I think spouses need a circle of support just as much (if not more....sorry) than the addict. My father has been married 8 times and being older now - I can see so much more about why they left and how much they really shielded me from when they were there. I can't figure out if more of my personality is of an enabler, or a strong woman just not ready to make a decision. In reality I feel like a fish out of water flipping all over the place. LOL I will look for the family and friends board.