My husband said "I know you are going to relapse."
 

WOW, what a blow it was. He was so sure of himself, said he knows me too well and that he knows there will be a day when I relapse. He said he won't be mad, he just doesn't want me to lie about it. That has been his issue with my drinking the entire time, he didn't care I drank (to an extent), he just hated the lying. I am trying so hard to just let it go, to know that I won't, but it is so hard when someone you love and have known for 1/2 your life (we met when I was 15, got married when I was 18, I am now 30) doesn't have faith in you.

Maybe I just need to give him more time. There have been numerous failed attempts in the past, but I have never made it this far (I'm on day 19). I know he doesn't really buy into the whole AA thing (I go every day and am loving it). Honestly, I think he is as scared as I am about the prospect of me never drinking again. We have shared so many great times when we drank together, now we need to learn a new way.

I tried to focus on only not drinking for today and getting to meetings each day where people understood me. I needed to learn how to listen and accept what I had no control in. Believe me it does get better each day.

BE WELL

Lying pretty well goes along with a history of drinking problems, so no surprise there, and nobody likes lying much either, so again no surprise. Yeah, people often do relapse when quitting, so again no big surprise. And yeah, people do lose faith in us when we in the past quit over and over again, and consequences for our past drinking follow us around for some time goes without saying.

Relapsing is not inevitable, and so many choices made now can absolutely keep you clean and sober without relapsing ever again. :)

The opportunities for keeping sober are there for the taking, and if you already have 19 days in, your more then ready to embrace the ideals of discovering for yourself how to believe enough in yourself to ensure your sober success!

Give yourself a break. Give yourself a chance to do right for YOU. It is more difficult when somebody you love has doubts, yeah, but nonetheless, YOU are in charge of YOU, so make the best lemonade you can when things are sometimes going sideways - life will get better even if at first it doesn't seem so. Quitting drinking and changing up our lifestyle really does work!

:)

19 days is awesome! Keep up the good work an believe in yourself, that is really the only opinion that matters.

That being said, you do need to give him a little time. Once he sees you have some time behind you, he will start to believe as well.

Harness the emotions you are feeling about his disbelief and use it to fuel your sobriety.

I am not sure if this is your first or hundred and first time at sobriety. If the later, it is understandable. Unless he is an alcoholic than he cannot understand and never will. You are not lying, you believe to your core that you will not relapse. We all do when we quit. The disease has a lot of power even to make us do things we say we won't.

I would give it some time - 19 days is great and you should be proud. Keep driving forward.

He may also have some co-dependance issues too (not knowing your situation) so depending upon how long its been going on he could even want you to relapse - again, I am not sure of the situation but have often seen this is spouses - one may feed off the other being worse than them.

Good, luck focus on you and your sobriety and work your network when you need help.

Some friends of mine took bets on how long I would last staying sober. I used that as fuel to prove them all wrong. And it worked. Along with AA, the 12 steps, a sponsor, and about 100 other things of course. :)

I think jdooner makes a really good point. I had to look at my own individual strengths and weaknesses and see what I could use to parlay my sobriety. I am competitive, when used in the right settings it can be of benefit. When they told us in rehab that only 10% of us would make it, that spurred me on. I have always thrived on being the "in spite of" girl. Owning my sobriety took it out of everyone else's hands...in a strange way letting go is empowering.

Trust will come with time and nothing else. Our loved ones have been scalded by our promises and failures too many times. We really don't deserve to even ask for trust. We can only earn it with results and that takes time.

Perhaps your husband believes you have not accepted that you will never drink again, that it is a struggle for you. If this is true, that you have not yet accepted that your life and his will both be dramatically better without your continued consumption of alcohol, then I would have to agree with your husband.

Wow your husband sounds so much like my partner did a while back, and it really peeved me off back then. In my case I think it was like you, a case on my part of having a history of chronic relapse and lying over alcohol. I am typically a very honest person, have never cheated, blah blah blah. But ask me about whether I was drinking, how much or when and I would lie through my teeth. That really takes a toll on a relationship!

There is really only one way we can change our loved ones minds. Stay sober. Be the honest, kind people they fell in love with- only more grown up. Keep it up, be patient. It may take months or more than a year, depending on him and how deep the hurt is. But he will come around. Things will keep getting better along the way.

It is always hard to hear someones disbelief in what we are trying to accomplish. I heard the same thing from my sister and also my husband was on the fence about my not drinking. All that we can do is walk forward with our sobriety. Sometimes sobriety will have a relapse. This does not have to be the case. It is not true for everyone. So, let his words be what they are; his words. Do not adopt them into your being. Keep doing what you are doing and with time maybe his mind will change. My husband now believes in my commitment to no longer drink. :) You are doing this!!!

Hi anchorbird, My loved one was skeptical when I quit too. We didn't talk about it much. I just kept plugging along. Sobertime will convince them. Keep going. Hugs.

Maybe he is protecting himself a little by not setting his hopes to high.

You can do this and your husband will be glad that you succeed.

We know when we struggle, when we are fine and when we might give in – in other words when to worry and when to relax. Your husband does not have that insider knowledge.

Stay sober and be open about your struggle and successes.

First of all, congrats on 19 days. I am sure you are working hard for this, be proud of yourself!

I have not said the same thing to my AH but I think it every single day to be honest. In all fairness, it took a very long time of his drinking and relapsing to get us where we are today. He has made alot of promises that this is the last time. Unfortunately, they were not. Will it be this time? Only he knows.

Trust is built up over time. Please please keep that in mind. You want to prove him wrong and that is what you will do if you are serious in your sobriety. I get this very same frustration from my AH and I explain to him, it did not happen overnight and it won't get better overnight. I am protecting myself so to speak.

Good Luck to you. I hope you continue on because it is what YOU want from YOURSELF!

When he said he doesn't want you lying about it you mean saying you've quit? Or lying about something else like hiding it when you drink? If it's the former, it would really **** me off personally. He should be encouraging and supporting you, not undermining your attempt at sobriety. Who cares if you've been down this path before, every day sober helps you. I suspect he feels threatened by your becoming sober. Does he drink in front of you also?

I quit and restarted innumerable times. Too many to count.

I figured I had no credibility with those around me. Talk is cheap, so I decided to just let them see the change as it happened.

After a year, I decided to talk about it more.

Its not really an insult. For those around us, its exhausting to see us getting well, hope the best for us, thinking maybe this is the time they get well, see the light, whatever, and then we smash it all and go right back to square one.

For me, I just focused on me. Forget what everyone else thinks for a while. They'll catch on.

Anchorbird, day 19 is FANTASTIC. Did you ever think that your husband might be jealous and is able to use your drunking as a way to control you? Use his negativity to make your resolve to quit stronger. Rootin for ya. :egypt:

Thank you all SO MUCH for your posts! I am using his comment as fuel to stay sober!

You know your husband. Maybe he is, as some think, trying to sabotage and control you.

Or maybe he's just weary, fed up of all the previous attempts at quitting ,being told you're stopping only to pick up again. That's not to criticize you of course,we've all done it. It's just that it's frustrating for those who live with us and we can understand where he's coming from.

Try not to let it annoy you. Accept his frustrations as genuine.All you can do is stay sober and prove to him in time that he is wrong :)

That's the spirit and congratulations btw :c011:
Whatever he thinks is his business and his issues whether he is a drunk who lost his play partner, a control freak losing his control mean or a codie at his wits end. Your business is to take care of yourself and stay sober :)

Ps: he might also be afraid of change, with you drinking he knows what to expect, with you sober your relationship is bound to change. Change can be really scary for a lot of people. Keep doing what you are doing