pixy

Having had and lost 5 years sobriety, and now at 4 months, I am confused as to whether a newcomer or not, so forgive if I have posted in the wrong place.

Having a bad day, which is unjustified as nothing has actually gone wrong. My husband is away on business for a couple of days, and I have the week off work. Yet I feel resentful, pissed off, lonely and the thought of having a drink has crossed my mind. So much so that I went to an AA meeting. To be honest it just magnifies the pain. I have always felt apart from, and left early, feeling worse than when I went in. Dropped in on a friend on the way home, and she had a church group at her house, so I did not stop. I truly don't get how people pick up the phone to their friends in AA. I have been around for over 6 years, and feel like I have no one to turn to.

I am aware that it is no ones fault but my own lack of ability to fit in, but feel like I needed to vent somewhere tonight, and this was the only outlet I could think of.


I just spotted that I joined this forum in 2007 - seriously, I am pathetic

HeadLump

Welcome (again) Pixy. You'll always find someone to talk/listen to on here!

Congratulations on 4 months - and for reaching out here instead of giving in

Dee74

Good to see you again Pixy.
I'm not in AA but as you say I don't think this is an AA issue, it's a you issue - and I identify.

I had real trouble speaking up as reaching out for help. I felt different to everyone else.

I felt that I my problems weren't as bad as others, I felt unworthy of help, I didn't want to bother anyone...but I also felt resentful that noone approached me or saw my obvious pain.

Part of that was self loathing but there was also some fear that someone would actually reach out to me and I'd find myself committed to something.

I'm glad I learned to reach out tho. I feared it, but I needed to change.

Maybe, as a start, you can use SR a little more?

D

Skye2

(back) Pixy

jkb

Hi Pixy-

Just thought I would say "Hi". Remember it is just a mood and moods come and go. Don't drink over it.

Jess

mecanix

Hey pixy ,
i've been a member for a while and sober for a while and still post in the newcomers area
Welcome back , hope you come by more often , i find it useful to my sobriety to visit most days . There is nearly always someone around .

Sometimes i feel like a square peg person in a round hole life .. time and coming here to my recovery family helps .

Bestwishes, m

Jeni26

Ho pixy. I think there are so many of us that can relate.

I've never felt I fitted in anywhere either. I do still attend AA but I'm not much of a social person and I don't hang around or mix socially with anyone there. I go there to listen and to share and learn.

It's really only here on SR that I've felt comfortable enough to open up and share. The anonymity offers me safety and protection. Why not join a monthly support group and post every day until you feel stronger?

MIRecovery

I have found that building a sober network required me to be vulernable, to give unconditionally and expect nothing in return, to do service work. When I gave I got back far more than I had ever given.

Hevyn

Welcome back Pixy. It's great to see you - and you are not pathetic! You came back - and you're still trying.

I hope you'll stay and talk to us. I've always felt comfortable here on SR & appreciate being able to share my feelings where people really understand.

awuh1

Pathetic? I don’t think so.

A bit of the blues perhaps?

I felt apart from, when I did not make the effort to be a part of. Pick up the 1000 kilo telephone and rant to someone (in AA perhaps?). It could do you good. Actually it might do the person you call good also.

Trust the process

least

Welcome back! Good job on four months sober! Don't beat yourself up over your five years 'lost'. I started back up drinking after being sober for twenty years! Now I have almost four years. You did it before, you can do it again. And don't let your moods talk you into drinking. You know it won't end well.

Mountainmanbob

for now anyway
there are many willing friends here on site
most all here want to help each other so as to overcome
send out some friend request
we need to start someplace -- right ???

MM

Anna

Hi Pixy,

I am so glad to hear you are four months sober!

I am not an AA person, but I always find hope and inspiration when I come here, which I do every day. It helps keep me grounded. I hope you continue to read and post.

CaiHong

Hi Pixy,
What kept you sober for 5 years? To me AA is the 12 step program. Do you have a big book? The 12 step program has helped me to make sense of my life.

I find when I feel like you are feeling now it is usually time for me to examine my life and look for what's really going on.

SR is the place I go for the fellowship of recovery, I come here daily and it sure helps.

CaiHong

Leana

Pixy- Friday is my 5 yrs & 3 month anniversary, so I am really interested if you don't mind me asking- what happen after being sober for so long? And how long was your relapse? Sorry your having a bad day, anything you want to talk about specifically?

Johnston

Hi, I relate to what you're saying. I do maybe 1 AA meeting a week but my agnosticism keeps me at arm's length from the fellowship. I still think it's important to do a FTF meeting periodically. This website has been a godsend for the other 6 days of the week.

Charliee

Welcome Pixie, glad your here. I can relate to how your feeling. I go to an AA meeting once a week and see a private therapist because I don't like the group thing so much. I have actually been been told after graduating from an IOP group "thanks for participating even though you don't really fit in with us" seriously? I have had three attempts at getting a sponsor and it never feels right. Still hoping and trying to find someone that I can relate to but for now I just make sure I don't drink today. Good luck to you

JaylaaKent

That's your disease talking Pixy: you don't fit in..you are so different from them..... they don't understand me..........Just go home and sit alone......Alone........so alone...... might as well have a drink........ Reading your post reminds me of the story of the two wolves - good wolf and bad wolf. Feed the one you want to win, feed sobriety. Posting here is a great start, go to meetings (but with a different attitude!). I know sometimes I don't always want to be in a meeting, but usually by the end, I've thawed out a little *LOL* I relapsed recently too - I try to look at it as, I must be doing SOMETHING right - I have more consecutive sobriety days than I've had in YEARS!!

Bender

"That's your disease talking Pixy: you don't fit in..you are so different from them..... they don't understand me..........Just go home and sit alone......Alone........so alone...... might as well have a drink......"

I very much agree...I had over 5 years in AA and was very active. Went every day pretty much. Read the big book cover to cover several times, led meetings all that stuff. I moved and started with a new sponsor in my new town and just never really felt like I fit into the group. It did not take long before I went out...and stayed out for quite a while. In hindsight it was my attitude that had changed and I really just didn't want to be there and make the effort. Sobriety is alot of work......so is being drunk. I think the payoff is better sober. Anyway...welcome! I hope you start feeling better about things.

Mags1

Hi pixy congratulations on four months, keep visiting again.