Afterthought

I had a rather unexpected (yet interesting) experience tonight that I wanted to share with the board.

I am currently in the final throws of our four-week clerkship that introduces the senior medical student to the specialty of Emergency Medicine. I have seen death many times before, not to mention hardship that no other person should have to share in – all in the name of medicine and my continued education. I always accepted that as a facet of the profession and continued soldiering on; all the while accepting and grieving with the patient.

However, tonight I had a lady in her mid-40s literally bleed out all over me while explaining all the things that she did wrong in her life. Her life literally drained out on me while I was attempting to fix the things that ailed her. According to protocol, I (and my team) did everything they should have done to save this woman’s life – and there was even a time we all thought she would make it – however, what she told me tonight really stuck with me; all within her final moments of life. When things were really starting to look sour, there was a point she arched her back and looked into my eyes. She said, “I’ve lived my life” which was followed by about 15 seconds of silence and then – and this is the creepy part – looked directly and completely without wavering into my eyes and said, “You are on the brink. Choose life or death. You have no other choice. Choose your path.”

She quickly then expired after having a very quick visit with the people that accompanied her to the ED.

Now please don’t confuse what I have conveyed to you. There are plenty of times that I have had final messages passed on to me – either to pass on to the family, or even (in this case) what I feel is a personal message. This time (even if I was suggestible or not) was intensely and completely directed to me personally and only for me. This woman completely and utterly focused on my eyeballs and my person, even to the point of reaching out in her pain and anguish so that she could reach my face to direct it to hers. There is no mistake, she meant to convey this completely and utterly to me, and me alone. If this was part of the disease state -- and I am willing to admit it might be -- so be it. However, I am telling you it felt like the woman looked into my soul and spoke this entirely to me.

I’ve mentioned prior that my hiccup is the fourth day of sobriety. Today is literally (well after she told me it was technically my fifth since it was past midnight) my fourth day of sobriety. But after this experience, guess what I did once my shift was over? I went to the bar with co-workers and commiserated. I had two drinks on an empty stomach and at this point completely feeling them.

Since I last posted, I have been in contact with SMART and had a meeting of AA. I’ve been introduced to a sponsor and have related this experience to him as well. But, I wanted to share this with SR as well since I consider ya’ll friends and part of my sobriety experience.

This woman will be in my dreams tonight. I’m trying. Please believe that. This is going to be harder than I ever thought possible – and it seems I have “cheerleaders” on the ‘other’ side.

Sleeping shall be interesting…

Afterthought

I knew it was going to be hard to sleep. I'm going to take 1/4 of a dose of Valerian and attempt sleep. I'll see responses in the A.M.

Twofish

Might be a good idea to take this woman's advise on her dying breath, think about what she said, did it take you to the bottom? Do you desire complete sobriety now? Yes this is very strange, even spooky or spiritual, was your HP talking thru her? I'm not judging, I'm in the health care field myself. Take her/the words and run with them. A meeting may help with your anxiety. Ill be thinking about you, please take care, hugs if it will help, TF

sugarbear1

What will your choice be?

Shoebox62

Wow, that's an incredibly powerful and emotional story. It almost reads like something from a Stephen King novel, and I don't say that to be flip or anything. I can't imagine what's going through your mind right now. I would heed that woman's advice carefully - there is wisdom there beyond our knowledge and comprehension. Thanks for sharing, and good luck in your journey.

Oh, and thanks to you and any other health-care providers on SR. My father is a retired doctor and I know how challenging and emotionally exhausting that field can be.

DoubleDragons

Afterthought, I don't believe in coincidence. I do believe that God works through all of us. Any of us is capable of being "an angel on Earth." Don't slap this gift in its face. Don't waste any more of your life, that is so valuable to so many, on a liquid poison that will steal your soul. If you are strong enough to face what you did tonight, and to help save lives on Earth, then you are certainly strong enough to save your own. Let this one be a lifechanger.

Dee74

I'm a big believer in 'god shots', but no matter if you believe in the power of God or the power of humanity, there's a wonderful, abiding wisdom in that poor woman's parting words.

I'd treat them as a wonderful gift, afterthought.

D

Hawkeye13

DD says it beautifully here. I have seen people close to death get "clear sight" and cut to the heart of things many times. I hope you choose to listen and that this does become a lifechanger.

ChrissieB

Afterthought, tears are streaming so, so powerful this ladies message and I believe completely it was for you... Don't let day 4 get you anymore, treat each day as a blessing and your blessings will multiply, love AA myself though as yet have to get a sponsor. I have a feeling you are going to finally choose your 'path' God Bless x

WhoDey

Powerful story. Honestly, I don't believe anyone can say with confidence whether it's a coincidence or something more intentional, but I wonder if the 'motivation' really matters. I think you recognize the wisdom in her words. Isn't that enough validation?

When we are open to wisdom, we can receive that wisdom from any number of unsuspected sources. You received a powerful message. Don't let it go to waste.

ScottFromWI

As amazing as that is, it still boils down to you choosing to drink or choosing sobriety. Messages come in all forms, some subtle and some miraculous. It's up to you to decide if you will accept the advice though.

Afterthought

Thanks for your words everyone and those that PM'ed me.

Like I mentioned in my original post, this could have been someone reacting to their disease process/diagnosis and I am taking it as something else; regardless it was very powerful and moving to me.

I sat down this morning and talked with a few administrators of my program and discreetly discussed my problem in vague terms. I mentioned the possibility of taking a few months off of my program.. effectively a medical leave of absence. It will set me back and perhaps cause a little bit of drama but my sobriety (and practice) is worth it.

Like I mentioned in my original post, I am getting the ball rolling with SMART and AA. I'm going to have lunch with an individual that was introduced to me for possible sponsorship, and will talk with a few confidential resources through my health plan.

Not tomorrow. Not next week. Today.

Thanks everyone for letting me share this. I will keep you updated.

MythOfSisyphus

Wow, that had to be a powerful and unsettling experience. No matter her intentions, I would try to use that last message as a force to motivate me to change my life.