joey4today

Here is some back story. My wife got pregnant in the very beginning of our relationship. When we started dating I was a 20yr old party-er but my addiction had been "under control". I had previously completed a 10 month inpatient treatment program and was sober for roughly 2 years before we had met. I since struggled with the addiction for years without getting the help I needed to stay sober. I lied to her about all of it. While I didn't physically cheat on her I did seek acceptance and confidence from inappropriate communications with another. She found out about that as well. I came clean to her at one point a couple years ago and was sober for 8-9 months without working a program but continued to drink and slowly slipped back into the using and lying. My problem with Alcohol has progressed to a point that I never knew when I was going to become a hurtful out of control drunk. Even when not high I have been hard to be around as I am in a constant state of opiate withdrawal. The other night I had too much to drink and had some Oxy earlier. I got black out drunk and fought with her (I should add no physical abuse to her or the children has ever happened), embarrassed her and threatened suicide. I do not know if I would have gone through with it but I was closer than I have ever been and wanted to be done with this pain. I was miserable with the lies and constant battle with addiction. She ended up calling the police as she didn't know what to do. I ended up at the hospital overnight. It was horrible but I think I needed it. I should add we have 3 kids together now as we have been together 10 years. I love my wife and believe in trying to save the marriage. I don't think she believes I will get or stay sober as she has heard this before. I am confident my only hope is working a program as I once did. I am heading to my first AA meeting today and will be finding a sponsor and a home group. I have been sober since Sunday and it is Tuesday now so it is still very fresh.

She cannot trust me for obvious reasons. I have told her things I truly meant but my intentions were met with procrastination and no follow through. I am committed to this no matter what happens between us as I cannot live like this anymore. I know I am an addict/alcoholic but this leaves me with some questions on top of all this hurt.

Is it selfish to try to get her to stay with me? What kind of things can I do to repair all this damage I have done? As a christian I really believe in marriage and that we committed to life together for better or worse, but this is easy to say as the one who has caused all of this pain and turmoil for us. Thankfully our kids have had minimum exposure to any of this. I do not want a divorce but I truly want her to be happy as she is the most amazing woman and does not deserve this. I believe I can get myself better finally and am open to taking things slow and showing her through my actions. She is so emotionally hardened from my years of lying and negative attitude that I don't know if she believes a sober me will be much different. I do know as I have lived it before but again, I have lied and manipulated for so long the trust is eroded and there is a lot of resentment and apathy.

I find myself constantly wanting to talk to her hoping she will come to the conclusion I want and I realize that is the same manipulative behavior that helped get us where we are now.

Should I just let her go? Should I keep fighting for our relationship. I do believe I can make her happy so long as I am healthy myself.

As you can tell I am very confused and sad.

feeling-good

If you truly want to save your marriage there is definitely hope. God will have a plan all worked out for you. You must trust in God to help you. AA will be of enormous help to you. I have never been to NA but I believe that will also help. Al-Anon would be great for your wife too.

Put down the drink and the pills one day at a time and, in time, you will see things will get better.

I wish for the absolute best for you, your wife and your children.

resolute50

Welcome to SR,joey4today.

Have you considered writing her a letter just like the one you just posted here?
I just read it and could feel the sincerity in the words.

Sometimes letters work better for us guys that have trouble speaking about how we feel.

ScottFromWI

Honesty is the key in my opinion Joey. Be honest with yourself and be honest with those around you. As a religious person, be honest with your higher power. While you can't undo the past, being honest and getting help for yourself will go a long way in re-gaining the trust of those around you over time.

Seeking help and AA sounds like a great idea. There are no guarantees of course but it can definitely get you back on track to regain many of the things you have lost. Continuing to drink however will guarantee that you will continue to lose things dear to you - potentially even your life eventually.

joey4today

Thanks for your reply. I wrote her an email because it is a bit easier to compile my thoughts into something other than a jumbled mess. We have opposite roles of the norm in a few areas of our relationship. I am the one to try to communicate and tell her how and what I feel and she is not much of a talker usually. Going through a lot of treatment and group probably contributed to that. She is not very open to Al-Anon or even counseling/therapy at this point. I did type her an email and I think she gets where I am, I am scared I may have done too much damage up to this point. I have faith that God can heal all wounds though and I need to trust in his will. That is easier said than done but I am trying. I am going forward with a program regardless as I still want to salvage this life God gave me, I am only 31. Also, I have 3 beautiful boys who one day may need me to help them through this and I need to be fit to do so. I am still only 3 days removed from using so i am feeling the DT's. Hard to be at work and act professional while I am sweaty, using the restroom non-stop, etc, etc. I cannot wait for this initial phase to be over and to begin the next phase of recovery.

scotchbotch

You have to ask yourself as I had to ask myself...

"Are you really putting God first in all areas of your life?"

My answer was no and I have continuously started to align all areas of my life to how He says we should live it.

God's word is not wishy washy about how we should live our lives... so our decision to live for Him should not be either.

joey4today

That is a good point. I most certainly have not been, more so the last couple days out of desperation. When I am using/lying/etc. I feel too guilty to talk to him and think about him. This is part of the cycle for me. A mixture of AA and church/church groups seem to be best as I forget all too easy when things are good how bad they can get in a instant. Thank you for that. I need to tattoo it on the inside of my eyelids.

I also put her higher than God sometimes unintentionally which is just as unhealthy.

least

to SR! You've come to a good place for support if you're sincere in your desire to stop drinking.

soberhawk

Welcome Joe.

I would focus on my own recovery.

Do you best and be open regarding where your are. I think the trust from your wife and sons will slowly build up when you get longer in your recovery.

It is worth it Joe, with 3 young sons it is definitely worth it.

I am glad you joined us.

Dee74

Actions definitely speak louder than words Joey.

I couldn't see anything in your post about what your wife wants to do.
No one here can say what your wife will do or should do - thats her decision, but I presume she's sticking around at least for the moment.

I really believe if things are meant to be they will be. Things like trust can be rebuilt if we show ourselves worthy of that trust.

Work hard to become the man you want to be and hopefully everything else will fall into place.

D

EndGameNYC

Hi Joey.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to take seriously your commitment to get and stay sober, and to work at this as though you're life depends on it.

Trust is the first thing we lose, and the last thing we get back.

Like it or not, hard work in early sobriety pays enormous dividends down the line. Not sometimes work, maybe work or later work...hard work.

joey4today

Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I went to 2 meetings yesterday and felt hope for the first time in 13 years. It's easy to forget that I am not the only person with this disease and guilt, shame or self pity won't help me in any way.

I also had a realization that I cannot rely on my relationships for my well being. Whether my wife leaves or decides to stick it out cannot have an impact on what I do in terms of my sobriety. Even my kids cannot be my reason for sobriety. There is no way around my family being a motivating factor but I cannot get sober if they are THE motivator. It is hard to separate the two because I feel so strongly about both of them. I am not good for anyone when I am using and not only does she deserve better but more importantly, I deserve better.

EndGameNYC

I get it that we have to get sober for ourselves, but I don't see this as an absolute. If it's your family, your job or the criminal justice system that gets you to treatment or a program of recovery, then it's on you to find a way to want to get sober for yourself.

Stop drinking, get treatment, and live better. The whys and wherefores are trivial in comparison to making a commitment to get sober at any cost.

pinkdog

Welcome joey.

joey4today

Brilliant advice. Things are starting to get better. No idea what will happen with my wife and I, still hoping and she agreed to see a counselor with me at least. Found a couple great meetings and some guys who I get a long with who have some good time and wisdom under their belts have reached out and really encouraged me.

This forum is great btw, thanks to all of you.