GentleSoul

Hi there,

Does anyone else feel that their significant other or best friend does not support them in their quest for sobriety? After all the crap I've pulled over the years, you would think he would want me to attempt sobriety. I have come to speak with him a few times and he just says that I should cut back or start with quitting smoking first because it's more harmful etc. My drinking issues far exceed what he's dealing with (he's a social drinker, able to stop when he can does not always have to become black out drunk each time he drinks, does not miss work or social commitments because of drinking)
So what gives?

Also, my best friend always says I need to stop thinking "black and white" and just focus on having a few drinks then stopping...and that I do not need to quit altogether. I just feel like they are not really hearing me.
Feeling alone. So glad I'm here now.

least

to SR! You're not alone anymore.


So called "normies" without alcohol problems just cannot understand us. They have never had the struggles we've had with drinking so cannot understand why we must give it up altogether. I'd just try the 'broken record' technique. When they tell you stuff like that just smile and say "I'll take that into consideration" and repeat it as often as they give you a hard time. It'll drive them crazy and after a while they should stop bugging you.

But don't expect them to understand as most normies do not.

Anna

It's not really important whether or not they are hearing you.

Do you want and need to stop drinking? That's all that matters.

Friends who think things are not that bad, are not in your shoes and they don't understand alcoholism.

And, you are not alone here at SR because we do get it.

Dee74

I didn't recieve support from my family or a lot of my drinking mates - that why places like SR are important

Real life support can be invaluable too. I know you're not into AA but there are other groups around - you could find even more support there?

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

D

AlefVavResh

Unfortunately your friend doesn't understand that it really is "black and white" with alcoholism. I'm sorry they aren't being supportive, but it is good you know what you need to do. Moderation didn't work for anyone I know. Keep reading and posting. You've got kindred spirits here

CaiHong

hi Gentle soul,
As the other posters have said normal drinkers have never experienced what we go through when we pick up a drink. They don't understand but you know moderation is not an option, pleased don't be influenced by your well meaning friend or husband you know the truth is you can't drink.

Caihong

foolsgold66

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What they said. If you want and or need support, you may need to seek it elsewhere, including here. It isn't that they don't care, they simply can't 'get it'.

MythOfSisyphus

Yeah, this is one area where you are in the right and they are in the wrong. Think of it this way- if you had a potentially life threatening allergy to shellfish, would anyone tell you to simply cut down on how much shrimp you eat? That would be insane advice! To an alcoholic that's the situation you're in. It only takes one drink to kill you...you just don't know if it will be the first one or the twentieth.

Change really scares people sometimes, even when the change is positive and very necessary.

I can empathize with you. When I quit drinking it was at least a month before I told anyone. When I told my brother he was surprised, and said that maybe eventually I'd be able to "just have a few drinks" with him. And he's seen me falling down drunk more times than he can probably count. Of course, he's a normal drinker. He likes beer and wine but rarely drinks to the point of being drunk and almost never gets plastered (now that I don't encourage him). He doesn't care much about drinking either way, so he assumes everyone has that relationship with alcohol. Well, some of us don't.

Whatever you do, stick to your guns. You know it's a problem, otherwise you wouldn't have quit. Everyone has their own agendas as motivations; maybe they want the happy-go-lucky, life-of-the-party GentleSoul back. Maybe some of them see you're problem with booze is worse than theirs, and take that as encouragement to ignore their own problems. That one seems pretty common.

Lastly, some of the people you think of as friends might just be 'drinking buddies'. Maybe you don't have much in common with them besides drinking. Take that away and they don't know how to relate. As Nietzsche pointed out, when we're forced to change our opinion of someone we hold the inconvenience very much against them.

Don't let the doubters bring you down, GentleSoul. You'll prove you were right in the end.

Afterthought

I don't know if this is going to make complete sense, since I've had a totally rough night, but there are some people that just seem to have a issue with the sobriety of other people. These people can be completely toxic or entirely well meaning; the hard part is sorting between the two. There are people that want to see us wallow in our misery and never break free -- either out of some social issue of their own or not -- and others that want to help us on the path to sobriety.

The trick is to stay with those that help us on our goal towards sobriety and right living. If we can either avoid or discontinue socializing with those that don't share our goals, we'll be better off in the long run.

Am I perfect at this? Heck no. Do I know its the case? Yes. There are people that will help us on our path, and those that will hinder us. Its our job to weed out those that will hinder us and love those that will support our goals towards sobriety.

ReadyAtLast

You don't need their permission or approval to quit drinking.If you think you have a problem then that's all you need to know.

Normal drinkers don't 'get' it and I've learnt it's pointless wasting my time and energy trying to convince them.

do what you need to do-please don't let their lack of interest be a good reason for you to keep on drinking

LadyinBC

This one is very true for me. I had to let go of the ones that were not supportive and I had to do it for my own sanity. I probably would have used them as an excuse to keep drinking. I only keep people who support my sobriety around me.

flutter

Luckily, my recovery has never been anchored on the opinions of people who had no idea what they were talking about. Even to this day, 5 years later, I'm sure I could ask my husband what he thought of me drinking again and he'd say "just have one or two and stop". I don't want or need anyone outside of my recovery circle/program to "help" me with this, it's totally an inside job.