Planning for upcoming events
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 91
Planning for upcoming events
As some of you know, I have finally admitted that I don't always have control when consuming alcohol and I am sick of it! I don't drink often but when I do I more often than not can not stop until the booze runs out or I pass out. I have told my significant other, he is more than supportive, and I have made the resolution to never drink again.
My question is: how do you plan upcoming events? My birthday is next week, thanksgiving, christmas... all events in which a LOT of alcohol is usually associated. My family is Irish and consists of a ton of binge drinkers. My s.o. is Irish and his family is made of mostly daily, functioning alcoholics. I can't avoid the celebrations and holidays, so how can I successfully plan to make it though the next few months?
trust me when I say telling them about my decision is not an option. They all have the "it's no big deal" attitude about drinking.... probably because I don't drink nearly as much as they do!!!
My question is: how do you plan upcoming events? My birthday is next week, thanksgiving, christmas... all events in which a LOT of alcohol is usually associated. My family is Irish and consists of a ton of binge drinkers. My s.o. is Irish and his family is made of mostly daily, functioning alcoholics. I can't avoid the celebrations and holidays, so how can I successfully plan to make it though the next few months?
trust me when I say telling them about my decision is not an option. They all have the "it's no big deal" attitude about drinking.... probably because I don't drink nearly as much as they do!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 21
Lie. Outright lie to them. Tell them ur taking a medication for an illness and drinking while taking them can kill you. Maybe I'm out of line here, but its an excuse I've used many many times. Now, its easier for me, given my current health situation and my family all know I'm not in any condition to be drinking.
For example, hypothetical situation. A person I know may have had an infection called C. Difficile., a medication called Flagyl is taken, even hand sanitizer containing alcohol is not recommended while on this med.
Hope u can make it through the coming weeks holiday season(s).
For example, hypothetical situation. A person I know may have had an infection called C. Difficile., a medication called Flagyl is taken, even hand sanitizer containing alcohol is not recommended while on this med.
Hope u can make it through the coming weeks holiday season(s).
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I think your birthday is a little soon to be putting yourself in harms way. Any chance you can tell your husband that you prefer a quiet celebration? It's your birthday, you have every right to tell your family that you don't want a party.
With a family that drinks, it's tough. All I can say is own your recovery! It is your sobriety. Do what it takes to support it, even at the risk of pissing off your family. Please, don't put other peoples feeling ahead of getting sober. It's a mistake many new to recovery make, and it leads to failure for many.
Be strong.
With a family that drinks, it's tough. All I can say is own your recovery! It is your sobriety. Do what it takes to support it, even at the risk of pissing off your family. Please, don't put other peoples feeling ahead of getting sober. It's a mistake many new to recovery make, and it leads to failure for many.
Be strong.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
For me, lying is not the way to go.
Lying was a big part of my addiction and I wouldn't be where I am today if I had stopped drinking, but continued to lie.
And, that's definitely NOT saying that you should tell people. It's none of their business at all whether or not you drink. I told no one when I stopped drinking because I knew I was too vulnerable to deal with the 'It's no big deal' comments.
As far as the upcoming birthday and holidays, you need to decide what is important to you. Birthdays can be celebrated without alcohol and so can Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Lying was a big part of my addiction and I wouldn't be where I am today if I had stopped drinking, but continued to lie.
And, that's definitely NOT saying that you should tell people. It's none of their business at all whether or not you drink. I told no one when I stopped drinking because I knew I was too vulnerable to deal with the 'It's no big deal' comments.
As far as the upcoming birthday and holidays, you need to decide what is important to you. Birthdays can be celebrated without alcohol and so can Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by unchartedxo 
As some of you know, I have finally admitted that I don't always have control when consuming alcohol and I am sick of it! I don't drink often but when I do I more often than not can not stop until the booze runs out or I pass out. I have told my significant other, he is more than supportive, and I have made the resolution to never drink again.
My question is: how do you plan upcoming events? My birthday is next week, thanksgiving, christmas... all events in which a LOT of alcohol is usually associated. My family is Irish and consists of a ton of binge drinkers. My s.o. is Irish and his family is made of mostly daily, functioning alcoholics. I can't avoid the celebrations and holidays, so how can I successfully plan to make it though the next few months?
trust me when I say telling them about my decision is not an option. They all have the "it's no big deal" attitude about drinking.... probably because I don't drink nearly as much as they do!!!
My question is: how do you plan upcoming events? My birthday is next week, thanksgiving, christmas... all events in which a LOT of alcohol is usually associated. My family is Irish and consists of a ton of binge drinkers. My s.o. is Irish and his family is made of mostly daily, functioning alcoholics. I can't avoid the celebrations and holidays, so how can I successfully plan to make it though the next few months?
trust me when I say telling them about my decision is not an option. They all have the "it's no big deal" attitude about drinking.... probably because I don't drink nearly as much as they do!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
My family are all big drinkers and I knew quitting drinking is something that they would take personally - as a personal statement; as an affront to their own drinking habits. I told my parents and my sister that I was quitting drinking for now and I just asked them to please not push it in my face, but I completely understood that they would continue to drink. I made it very clear that it was about me and not them. It makes me a little annoyed sometimes because I do believe a lot of people in my family have an even bigger problem than I did, and I hate them thinking, "Oh poor DD, she has a drinking problem. Cluck! Cluck!" However, my sobriety and feeling good is more important to me than all that. Good luck!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
The last time I quit, I was anxious, but I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas without much difficulty. Our family celebrations at such times tend to be large gatherings, so no one probably noticed I wasn't drinking.
I was much more concerned about a holiday gathering that consisted of my wife and I and two other couples. I just knew I was going to stand out like a sore thumb in such a small gathering. And I did. I just decided to own my decision and I told everyone that my drinking had evolved into an everyday affair, I didn't like that, and I was taking a break for an undetermined period of time. When I finished, I got a lot of knowing nods from my friends who probably saw themselves in my words. Not a big deal.
You can do this.
I was much more concerned about a holiday gathering that consisted of my wife and I and two other couples. I just knew I was going to stand out like a sore thumb in such a small gathering. And I did. I just decided to own my decision and I told everyone that my drinking had evolved into an everyday affair, I didn't like that, and I was taking a break for an undetermined period of time. When I finished, I got a lot of knowing nods from my friends who probably saw themselves in my words. Not a big deal.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Hi uncharted, if you can't avoid the events where alcohol is served, then just go and take it as it comes. If anyone offers you a drink, say you want a soda. If they ask again say "I don't feel like drinking today". You can do this. A moment at a time. "Right now I am not drinking". It works for me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 21
I guess it all comes down to how much pressure is put on u to drink. I don't have a circle of drinking buddies. I also don't have a circle of family surrounding me that drinks. However, my employment often found me at a table of 20+ professionals at a wine and cheese tasting event. And, it isn't as easy as I thought to try and explain to each person over and over that I simply can't drink. Instead, I found if I made a big enough deal about not drinking (i.e. by telling a white lie), that I simply needed to usually tell one or two people and the word usually spread to the group.
It was like telling them I was allergic to peanuts or bees! I have been to dinners with clients and large corporate groups where the chef came out personally to talk to me and ensure me there wasn't any liquor in any of my dishes (something I didn't even ask for. But the chef was alerted by a colleague who thought a single ounce of liquor could kill me). Sometimes a simple "Sorry not today." or "I really don't feel like it." Doesn't suffice. PLUS, it gets old really fast, and you keep saying the same thing over, and over, and over. With the same results "What can I get you sir?"
It was like telling them I was allergic to peanuts or bees! I have been to dinners with clients and large corporate groups where the chef came out personally to talk to me and ensure me there wasn't any liquor in any of my dishes (something I didn't even ask for. But the chef was alerted by a colleague who thought a single ounce of liquor could kill me). Sometimes a simple "Sorry not today." or "I really don't feel like it." Doesn't suffice. PLUS, it gets old really fast, and you keep saying the same thing over, and over, and over. With the same results "What can I get you sir?"
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Hi Uncharted
I had to be pretty discerning with my social life for a while - if you feel vulnerable it's ok not to go to certain things.
I figured I'd rather be a no show than a drunken mess.
As the various holidays come round, you'll find a lot of support and ideas here - you won't be alone.
D
I had to be pretty discerning with my social life for a while - if you feel vulnerable it's ok not to go to certain things.
I figured I'd rather be a no show than a drunken mess.
As the various holidays come round, you'll find a lot of support and ideas here - you won't be alone.
D
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
The trouble I have with lies Jax, apart from the fact that that's not who I want to be anymore, is that lies tend to grow on me....and often get away from me. I've painted myself into some pretty small corners before.
I find a simple no thanks is better - they get the message and I keep my privacy
I used to feel the need to explain too - then I realised that most people don't care what I do. Most people don't think about alcohol or me drinking or not drinking like I did.
If you're in a situation where people don't accept a no thanks, and keep on at me I'd have to consider that maybe I'm not with the right crowed...
D
I find a simple no thanks is better - they get the message and I keep my privacy
I used to feel the need to explain too - then I realised that most people don't care what I do. Most people don't think about alcohol or me drinking or not drinking like I did.
If you're in a situation where people don't accept a no thanks, and keep on at me I'd have to consider that maybe I'm not with the right crowed...
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I think that believing I MUST give an explanation as to why I am not drinking alcohol is all wrong.
Why must we explain our personal choice? Why do we believe, "No, thanks" is not an adequate response. It is.
And, anyone who doesn't accept that response is just simply rude.
Uncharted, if you believe you must attend, then have a plan to get through the evening and have an escape planned, as well.
Why must we explain our personal choice? Why do we believe, "No, thanks" is not an adequate response. It is.
And, anyone who doesn't accept that response is just simply rude.
Uncharted, if you believe you must attend, then have a plan to get through the evening and have an escape planned, as well.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
Just saying "no thanks" works in many settings, but when with people who know us better and/or know us as drinkers, I think it's only natural for them to want to dig a little deeper.
When in a vulnerable stage, I think it's fine to do whatever you need to do to get through the situation ... including not attending certain "must attend" family events. But honesty will remain the best policy. I think people close to us will respect a direct answer.
Also have a plan!
When in a vulnerable stage, I think it's fine to do whatever you need to do to get through the situation ... including not attending certain "must attend" family events. But honesty will remain the best policy. I think people close to us will respect a direct answer.
Also have a plan!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I also don't think lying is the way to go.
When I quit I used to think of loads of excuses to tell people, long windedstories, making a big deal of it.Then I realized the only person making a big deal of it was me. Most people really don't care-we only think they do because WE have a problem and that's how WE would perceive and react to someone who didn't drink.
I've learnt now that I owe no- one an explanation. No thanks is enough,especially to work colleagues.Close friends,family and former drinking buddies may pry further but still "No thanks, I'm not drinking tonight" is sufficient.
I quit on 8 Dec 2012 just before Xmas parties, Xmas and New Year. I never thought I could get through but I did and I felt stronger for it. I did stick to the minimum of family events and didn't go to pubs - I did what I needed to do. It's your birthday, do what you want. Thankgiving-it's a meal you have to get through. On Christmas day I broke the day down into hours when people visited. In reality it wasn't a day, it was only 6 hours-much easier to deal with.I kept running upstairs to logon to SR and kept calm,breathing. It worked .The more you get through these events thestronger you'll be. But I would seriously re-assess what you really HAVE to attend andwhat you can miss. Put yourself and your sobriety first.
When I quit I used to think of loads of excuses to tell people, long windedstories, making a big deal of it.Then I realized the only person making a big deal of it was me. Most people really don't care-we only think they do because WE have a problem and that's how WE would perceive and react to someone who didn't drink.
I've learnt now that I owe no- one an explanation. No thanks is enough,especially to work colleagues.Close friends,family and former drinking buddies may pry further but still "No thanks, I'm not drinking tonight" is sufficient.
I quit on 8 Dec 2012 just before Xmas parties, Xmas and New Year. I never thought I could get through but I did and I felt stronger for it. I did stick to the minimum of family events and didn't go to pubs - I did what I needed to do. It's your birthday, do what you want. Thankgiving-it's a meal you have to get through. On Christmas day I broke the day down into hours when people visited. In reality it wasn't a day, it was only 6 hours-much easier to deal with.I kept running upstairs to logon to SR and kept calm,breathing. It worked .The more you get through these events thestronger you'll be. But I would seriously re-assess what you really HAVE to attend andwhat you can miss. Put yourself and your sobriety first.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
If it helps, maybe you can find strength in knowing that there are many, many recovered alcoholics who spend their time around drinks and drinkers 24/7.
Some people are around alcohol through their profession, and are inches away from an unlimited supply of alcohol every single day. But they stay sober because they have found that inner peace: knowing they don't ever need to drink again.
I also have a family of drinkers. I have 2 surviving brothers who are end stage alcoholics. I know what you mean about not telling. I haven't told them because their response would not be supportive.
I found it nerve-wracking to be around them in the beginning of my sobriety, all they do essentially is spend their days thinking about drinking, buying booze and drinking.
But I use a lot of tools: exit planning is one. For example during the upcoming holidays try to make sure you can leave an event exactly when you want. Another good tool is the buddy system. Bring another recovered alcoholic with you to events: you can give each other moral support. Also exercise the right to say no. A lot of us had to learn how to establish our boundaries, for the first time, in sobriety. It won't be the end of the world if you don't attend a party. A new you is emerging, and your family will need to learn who that is: maybe you won't stay at a party till everyone has passed out. Maybe you won't go to the party at all. Maybe you will offer to have a lunch social instead of a night of drinking. The tools really do work!
Some people are around alcohol through their profession, and are inches away from an unlimited supply of alcohol every single day. But they stay sober because they have found that inner peace: knowing they don't ever need to drink again.
I also have a family of drinkers. I have 2 surviving brothers who are end stage alcoholics. I know what you mean about not telling. I haven't told them because their response would not be supportive.
I found it nerve-wracking to be around them in the beginning of my sobriety, all they do essentially is spend their days thinking about drinking, buying booze and drinking.
But I use a lot of tools: exit planning is one. For example during the upcoming holidays try to make sure you can leave an event exactly when you want. Another good tool is the buddy system. Bring another recovered alcoholic with you to events: you can give each other moral support. Also exercise the right to say no. A lot of us had to learn how to establish our boundaries, for the first time, in sobriety. It won't be the end of the world if you don't attend a party. A new you is emerging, and your family will need to learn who that is: maybe you won't stay at a party till everyone has passed out. Maybe you won't go to the party at all. Maybe you will offer to have a lunch social instead of a night of drinking. The tools really do work!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 21
Great to see there are so many truthful addicts out there. May that halo above all your heads shine much brighter!!! Admitting to the professional organization I belong to that I, yes me. IS an alcoholic AND/OR has a problem with drugs or alcohol would strip me of a professional designation and end any likelihood of working in my profession anywhere around here again.
Nuf for me. Good luck everyone in you're sober journey. But I've read enough and my posting isn't likely going to help any of those in the dark depths of hell.
Nuf for me. Good luck everyone in you're sober journey. But I've read enough and my posting isn't likely going to help any of those in the dark depths of hell.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by Jaxin1977
Great to see there are so many truthful addicts out there. May that halo above all your heads shine much brighter!!! Admitting to the professional organization I belong to that I, yes me. IS an alcoholic AND/OR has a problem with drugs or alcohol would strip me of a professional designation and end any likelihood of working in my profession anywhere around here again.
Nuf for me. Good luck everyone in you're sober journey. But I've read enough and my posting isn't likely going to help any of those in the dark depths of hell.
Nuf for me. Good luck everyone in you're sober journey. But I've read enough and my posting isn't likely going to help any of those in the dark depths of hell.
Saying "no thanks I'm not drinking" is true and enough. That is different than making up complicated lies to explain not drinking.
No one is claiming to be perfect here.I've lied my waythrough thelast 20 years of drinking. I'm fed up with it now and since getting sober trying to live a more truthful life.
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