saltH20

here goes.....
last week on both on sunday morn and wed i had full blown panic attacks. i was sober for a month. i slipped prior to last sun once on a couple beers, wife was pissed but handled it ok. i'm having a hard time dealing with all kinds of bologne without alcohal.
well last wed at work i started sobbing for no reason, then i went into a full anxiety attack. well i know how to fix that right? i get a 6er and drink two. i'm mellowed out, but now i feel like a moron for drinking, i was doing so good. i do my best through the day. i'm feeling all the shame and so on. i'm not an addmitted alcoholic but may be starting to double think it. anyway, i do have the desire to quit, so i went to a 7:pm meeting. closed to men till 8:pm. so now i have to wait. well i lost it again, frantic, crying, the whole deal. my wife wants to come get me, but don't want her to. she just gonna bitch me out for drinking, and i can't deal with that too.
long story short, she packs me a bag, i'm sleeping on the boat. true to form.
she and her mom take off for a road trip to "get away", and she draws the conclusion that my slip up is reason to seperate, till i go to a shrink. i've just started to really stop drinking, and as far as i know, going thru the typicals of dealing with life w/o it. how long will she keep throwing a fit everytime i don't live up to par.
we have been thru so much and now i'm really, honestly doing something to make things right. i kept on drinkin at the boat, but not hard, it was weird, it's like i'm sick of it, and sick of it being the excuse to keep me from my kids. now i'm rambling. noone has any good advise. i'm either an alki or she's "nuts". no solutions. i really want to make it one day at a time. alcohal was the only thing that's kept me sane, but it's gotton to the point of controlling me, and i have to figure something else out.
a while back we went to a shrink/ alcohol counsoler, he told us to watch "when a man loves a woman".
he asked me who was the sick one, i replied, Meg Ryan, the alcoholic. he said yeah but no, her husband, the control freak. huh???? he had to change to fix it all. well my wife didn't like that. told me i was a liar, "he didn't say that."
well she won't "let" me into the house till i go to a doc. i told her last night she needs to go to a doc before i come home. i could go on forever, but whats the point? now i'm on day one, she's gone and i'm walking around in circles. fun. our conversations are arguements. all i want is things to work out and give her whatever it is she needs to be happy. why can't she call and say we can do this. everytime we're apart i get more and more screwed up, and it's like she's empowered.
point for postin all this, does any of this sound familiar? does anyone have any advise. is there a solution? we're young w/ two little girls. i just hope i can keep my head up and not fall down hard.
thanx for your time.
and heh, what the heck is this salty discharge coming from my eyes?

Anna

Hi Salth and welcome,

I'm glad you found us and yes, you can fix this. You can stop drinking. You say you're not sure if you're an alcoholic and only you can decide that, but it sure seems like alcohol is causing major problems in your life.

You're right that your wife will probably need help and support as well. It sounds like she is trying to maintain herself, but she really needs to take care of herself. It's not surprising that she is reluctant to admit that she needs help. My husband also did not accept that he needed support or even that he played a part in my slow downward spiral. He is passive-aggressive/manipulative and before I understood it, it really messed with my mind. Anyways, your wife needs to take care of her and you need to take care of you.

It seems that panic attacks are not uncommon for people to experience when they are trying to stop drinking. When you stop for good, the panic attacks may very stop as well.

You can stop. Just take small steps and don't be overwhelmed with trying to fix everything at once.

Hang around and keep posting.

Love, Anna

Little Missy

Salth, My husband goes to Al-anon. It helps him to take care of himself. It is hard at times to communicate with our loved ones. I know, as I started to realize things about myself I felt exposed. It would take me a day or two to figure out how I felt about the issue and then would tell my husband. What has helped us the most is better communication.

Once I admitted I am an alcoholic, and started working my program, things have gotten better. We still have our moments, but no fights like we use to. We have two young ones too! It is worth it, not to drink, to have a happy household!!

Hugs and let us know how you are doing,
Missy

Oh yeah, I also have panic attacks. They sure do suck! I take meds for depression, anxiety, and a mood stabilizer. You may want to chat with your Doctor and let them know what is going on!!

Dan

Wrong Salthman. Can't control didley of what she is willing or not willing to put up with. The more time and energy you spend on trying to figure out why she's reacting to you the way she is takes away from what you should be trying to do for yourself. You say you're having trouble adjusting to certain situations without alcohol. Join the club dude! Got a sixer 'cause you guys were having some tensions? Can't blame her. You got the brews and drank 'em. Point I'm trying to make is that it seems you're working this staying sober business alone. Very few accomplish this. Are you doing the meetings?...
Panic and anxiety were my friends for a long time when I was drinking everyday. They just became part of the scenery after a while. And once I stopped tanking up, I would wake up some mornings wondering what the hell?...
Staying stopped for a month like you did is a major change in lifestyle. Your mind and body need to adjust man. But staying stopped requires so much more than not picking up that first one.
Tell you a secret I found out the hard way. My alcoholic brain will look for any excuse to trigger me into relapse. It's how we are. My wife would so much as look at me the wrong way, bingo! Off I went for another trip on the insane surf board. Took a while to figure out I couldn't blame anyone but myself for drinking and using. Only once I did that was I able to start recovery and address the other piles of sh** in my life. One at a time. One day at time.
I'm glad you're back Salthman.
I missed ya

saltH20

i should have stayed here during the month. maybe it would be different. i'm supposed to go back to work, but i can't even think straight. i'm so mad at her for.......i'm just pissed, been since wed. it's like she was waiting for it to happen, so she could say "see, i told you you were an alki, can't even handle a week"(the aforementioned slip was a week prior), which she did say. she's been on the al-anon boards, dont' they say things to support you with your alki spouse, how to deal with them so they get better, not worse? even with failings.
in my opinion, a struggling dad is better than no dad. my daughters 2, and she totally knows whats up. "dad bad, dad, at the boat?" it kills me....all of it does.
arrrggggggiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnsssssssssssiiii iiiittttttttttttt

Anna

Salth,

I'm Anna, an alcoholic, and as Dan said, you're wasting your energy trying to control your wife's feelings. In AlAnon they encourage spouses to look after themselves. They don't generally push them to stay or to leave, but let them know they need to remove themselves from the chaos and try to care for themselves. Put the anger aside, put the energy you have into taking care of yourself. You can do this. I understand the urge to say 'what if'? I did that too and it just causes more pain and for me it would often lead me right back to drinking because I felt so hopeless. There is hope, lots of hope, and you can be a good Dad to your kids. Maybe it won't be exactly the way you envisioned it, but it's up to you to be a good Dad.

Love, Anna

saltH20

thanx for your responces. it's like i need them right now. still feeling all the same, all wacked. look to hear more thoughts.

mackat

oh salth
this ol heart skipped a beat on reading your post
can only share what has worked for me
i do AA
i been sober 8 yrs
until i took care of me, nothing and no one else seemed reasonable
i had not one clear idea of what sanity "looked like" until i had been doing this program for a while
lots of good stuff in my life today....
mackat

saltH20

now i'm feeling bad for bad mouthing my wife. she put up with alot. i wasn't a mean(until recently) drinker, but i've lied and hid for awile. just couldn't cope with alot of stuff, and da booze just made things better...or worse. i'm sick of putting fault on whoever or whatever. maybe it's an evil ploy to keep drinkin. maybe the devil is trying to throw his last blow, so i just give up. maybe the person my wife never wanted me to become, she has created. she was so consumed with my drinking that i figured that's what i should become. i don't know now. i don't understand why things have to be so complicated. does she love me or what she wanted me to be. in my soul i'm just a simple surfer, that likes simplicity. I don't need anything but a good board. but now I need to make more money just to survive than i could ever imagine. it's silly. how did i get to this point. i don't want alot of money. money equels work, stress and that means less time. i want a stressless life. maybe i was masking all this with booze. masking all that i knew i didn't want and couldn't afford, just be "that" guy. the guy i used to make fun of. a yuppie or whatever. nice cars, house in a nice gated nieghborhood with no yard, trophy wife(she is hot!) and 2 point something kids. inside i'm worried about everything. i used to paddle out and just surf. now i paddle out and sit and think about all the crap i should be doing, and i always paddle out after a heated phone call about why i shouldn't be surfing.
right now i am stoked that SR is providing a place where i can vent. and so far the peeps that respond can at least relate.

Chy

Salt Water!

The important thing is your back! Don't beat yourself up, many have false starts. The important thing is your willingness to continue trying, never, ever, give up on yourself.

saltH20

why can't my wiff say that to me instead of.........

Anna

Hi Salt,

I think you could be right that you drank to cover up feelings that you weren't totally happy with the life you created. I pushed down lots of feelings for years too, even though I wasn't drinking at the time. Instead of dealing with things, I just tried to carry on and ended up suffering from depression and migraine headaches, which eventually led to drinking. It sounds like it's a time for some soul-searching in your life. And, I hope your wife will return and be supportive to you, I really do. But, whether she does or not, you have to decide if you're not going to drink.

Take care.

Love, Anna

Chy

Give it time Salt, understand, we do a lot of damage in our relationships and it takes time to heal it all. She's got to find away to heal as well, she has to find away to cope. So don't be hard on each other.

mackat

heh salth
number one: do you have aproblem w/ booze?
#2: if so what are YOU doing about it?
#3: does not matter diddley what a good guy i figured i was. the world- ALL of 'em, rightfully judged me by what my actions were...
#4: many of us [me] drank until there was absolutely no hope of salvaging our relationships. that was part of me reaching my bottom. you do not HAVE to do that.
mackat

Dan

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Salthman, feel free to substitute the word god for whatever turns you on spiritualy.
It'll still work.

saltH20

today i have spoken to many peeps. my pop, he, well he's..........my father in law that admits his daughter is exactly like i describe her yet will back her up regardless. my moms a wreck cuz we're not together. and then my brothers, wife's dad.
the last few hours i've been reading the aa book.
it's blows my mind how certain people just don't understand. it's all so simple to some of them. just stop. it's not so simple to me.
anyway my brother's wife's dad.......relates. i really don't know him that well, but i always liked his no non-sence approach to life. he's also surfer and has seen plenty. he related to my situation with my wife and the not doing anything right, the love to drink. he's 10 years sober and is pulling for me. now i have my dad, father in law, wife, etc. all telling me how with alot of words and breath, and in a 10 minute conversation with an alki, i finally found hope. doesn't mean i'm gonna fix it now. doesn't mean i'll never slip again, but it did alow me to realize i have to seperate the issues. i can't battle them both and expect to win. i need to listen to those who know, not to the one's that think they can fix me.
btw, do i make any cents. i've been told i don't add with sence.
mack, yes, i have a problem with booze.(are you near durango?)

mackat

...and you are reading a good book bout alcoholism and you are talking to another alkie in recovery and you are posting here -i'd say you ARE doin' something about it- congrats!

i'm about 3 hours from durango- skied over there a few times [come to think of it- might have to get over there and do it sober!!!]

i'm building my 31' wharram design catamaran - i know, i know- 1000+miles from ocean- high mt desert- etc...learning to live a sane life does not mean i cannot be crazy!!
mackat

saltH20

where are you going to sail her?
i have a islander bahama 30 in a slip down here. i love her. she's like my soul mate. i've done alot of searching for me on her. burying the gunnels all by myself 3miles out(bad idea i know). i can't take those risks nowadays. love it!
my uncle lives in durango. he's a nut like the rest of us. he's 40 and came in 2nd in the world mountain bike downhill, i think in canada? i think he's sober now. i should call him.
i appriciate all of you.

mackat

sheesh- gonna go wherever i can find water...its a trailerable knock down bare bones boat [kind like me i suppose...LOL]
yeh- give unk a call- he sounds cool.
my son and i will head to a lake this week w/ our stripper [redwood] canoe- just one of those 'never finished' projects left from my drinking days[like started it 12 years before!!] and was one of the first things i DID finish in recovery...even my sponsor thought it was abetter candidate for firewood- was cool when he called to make amends after i completed it.
later

David 1

Advice from me??? That is scary!! But I HAVE been there so I can relate.

I would get a chemical dependency evaluation and get into the appropriate treatment or start going to AA. The goal as I see it would be to do the right things for yourself and family and move back in as soon as you can!!

I only say this because of your kids and potential issues down the road.

Then, read and reread the responses to your post (print them out!) The advice is golden!!