Theodin31

I'll just start with a little bit of background information. If I'm being completely honest, my brother and I are both addicts, I smoke cigarettes and marijuana several times daily, and drink more than I'd like. It's the drinking that concerns me most. I'm in my mid 20's, my brother is 21, we both live at home as there is a housing shortage where we live and rent is very expensive, while full time work is less than plentiful. Still our parents have a large house, well paying jobs and were happy to continue to host us. My brother, lets call him John, has always had mental health issues, partly due to a family history and partly due to a mild(physically) to moderately(psychologically) abusive Mother and a Father who ignores anything that doesn't fit in with his perfect vision of reality. My Mom has since seen therapists and changed, she is honestly a different person. Over the past 5 or so years John has taken to alcohol like a fish to water. It started with him drinking a few drinks every night, which my Parents would buy for him if he was out of money. He would drink till he passed out often and pass out anywhere. He became aggressive and irrational at times, and remorseful and penitent at others. I saw the signs early and alerted my parents, who dismissed or ignored me. He got progressively worse over the years until my Parents could no longer ignore it. He has been hospitalized more times than can count, 4 times in the last 6 weeks as well as spending a night in jail. The emotional roller coaster we are all on is going somewhere bad. In all of this, it has been me who's called the police when he was throwing everything within reach threatening to kill my mom standing naked after being saved from drowning in the shower. Me who called the ambulance when he was comatose in the kitchen drooling on himself after ODing. John hates me, I can see it on his face. John has recently turned to valium as the new high of choice, but he hasn't stopped drinking. This has resulted in a huge increase in "incidents". All the while my Dad picks him up from the hospital or jail, my Mom wakes him up, drives him to work, they do his dishes and laundry and try their hardest to pretend nothing is wrong. Before I knew it I had turned to alcohol has a way to manage stress. I have a lot of stress; with working full time hours for less than full time pay to simply have a job (at least my hourly rate makes up for it), at a job with a boss who's abuse reminds me of my childhood with mom coming home never knowing how ****** up John will be I turned to alcohol. I began to drink to excess to numb the pain, but soon decided that was dumb. Still I have at least a drink every day, I find it calms me after a long day at work on my feet, sometimes I have 3 or 4 over a period of 3 or 4 hours. This is in addition to smoking pot about a gram a day. I have started seeing a psychologist, and am on track to recovery, John has been seeing psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists etc... since childhood and gotten progressively worse. John used to be a smart, emphatic man with dreams now he chain smokes in the same chair all day and gets ****** out of his tree whenever he can. He lies, steals and guilt's us into doing what he wants. My Mom is ready to divorce my dad over this, John is going to kill himself mixing valium and alcohol, and has almost done so before. I am torn, on the one hand I am still trying to convince my Dad that rescuing him and shielding him from pain is going to kill John. On the other, this environment is toxic for me if I have to work 60 hours a week to afford to live alone and just leave it's starting to seem like paradise. If I leave, I know John will die and my parents will for sure divorce. I just needed to say this thanks for reading...

Dee74

welcome

thats a lot of responsibility you're putting on yourself theodin.

I spent my life being responsible for others and had to turn to drinking to cope with that, too.

Now I step back and I find usually that things don't break down as much as I feared they would....usually things go on without me.


You have your own recovery and your own issues to work on. It's not unreasonable for you to want to live in a non toxic environment - I think you should at least consider the idea that you're not actually responsible for your brother, or your parent's marriage?

Have you ever read Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie?
I got a lot out of that book

D

Hevyn

Hi Theodin - Welcome to SR.

I agree with Dee - you must look out for your own well being. Of course you care about your family, but it isn't up to you to fix everything. You can't go down with the ship. You said you're seeing a psychologist & are working on your own recovery. I hope you won't sabotage your efforts by focusing on the others.

For years I believed alcohol was helping me to cope - but it just makes everything more stressful. It really backfires on us and sends our anxiety through the roof. I hope you will stay on track and give yourself the gift of a healthy, sober life. You can do it.

flujays

Hey Theo. Your post brought up alot of issues around my own childhood and that of my older sister. I know what it's like living with an emotionally abusive mother, I did it for many years. My sister was taken out of school to be her full time carer when she was 15, way too much responsibility for a teenager. But my mother was both selfish and mentally ill, probably the sellfishness was a result of the latter. However, when I look at my sister today, she is but a shadow of what she could have been... she has no friends to speak off, lacks confidence, is very shy and quiet, oh and she's been hospitalised 3 times in the mental ward for clinical depression and was on the verge of suicide. I attribute all of my sister's problems with the psychological abuse and responsibility put on her by our mother. My point is, you need to get out of this toxic environment. You are doing the right thing in seeing a counsellor but you need to step away and focus on getting well yourself. I understand your love for your family and your fear of leaving them to fend for themselves, but no matter what happens, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. You can still see them when you choose, but i really feel like putting a little bit of distance between them and you will be what you need to take care of yourself. Nobody says you have to cut them off, but not having to go home to that toxic place every day, I think will do wonders for you and may even help them too. Good luck in whatever decision you make, I do feel for you. Remember, whatever happens, it's NOT YOUR FAULT.