Comparisons; "Now"
 

One of the things I’m trying to avoid are comparisons, like what “might” have been if I had been different, if I had not had this illness, what I might have “achieved”, the life I might have lived. And on occasion my spouse compares me with “other men”, “other husbands”. “Most men” she says, “do such and such.” “Other men find it useful to do ....”. "Other families..." And I find myself doing the same, “Other wives wear dresses like...”. It goes on and on: “Other kids seem more interested in what their parents are doing” “Other kids reach out, are not so passive and seemingly indifferent.” The only creature that escapes comparisons may be the dog. And the dog doesn’t seem to be playing “Other”. I suspect that cats do this all the time: “Other owners are this way, that way, etc." "How come you’re not doing that?” "Other cats get fed [such and such]!" "Why don't you... [Other owners do...]!"
What I’ve got to realize is that “comparisons” get me nowhere. I live in the “Now”. As someone once said, “What you see is what you get”. Focus on the “Now”. Don’t dwell on the “Past”. That’s “over”. Try not to worry about the “Future”. That may be different than you think. If I focus on the “Now” the 
“Now” becomes the “Future”. I think there’s a book about this. “The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment” by Eckhart Tolle. Maybe I’ll take a look at it.
Anybody have any thoughts along these lines?

W.

That's something I am just trying to work on myself. Some residual anger screwing up my now. The past is just memories and it doesn't really matter anymore if it only matters in my mind. So I have some control over what I place importance on and what I choose to focus on. Trying real hard to live in the moment. The past is only allowed (as close as I can get it) to enhance the now. Maybe a memory of the way fall smelled when my daughter was young when I smell it again. I get to feel that way again without bumming on the fact she is not a sweet little kid anymore or worried about how many more years before she ditches me.
Easier said than done though.

Would have, should have, could have make me a prisoner of the past. It took what it took to get me to where I am today. I have been given a new life and I plan to make the most of it. Many people spend an entire lifetime and never realize what a gift life truly is. I returned from the pits of hell and lived totell about it. Maybe things could have been better maybe not but wasting time in the past does a disservice to the present

I look at the past as not a way to think about what could have been or what I would have changed but rather as a way to enjoy the present even more. Had I not gone through the rough times I did in the past, I wouldn't appreciate what I have in the now. It is hard not to compare but things are so much easier when you can avoid doing so.

I really like, i am here by Thich Nyat Hanh. There is something really powerful about stopping obsessing about the past and the future and clearing your mind to just breathe.

W, (my friend), I'd recommend Tolle's Power of Now, and also The New Earth, which I liked even better. I found I needed to be mindful just in order to read them. Small bites, then well chewed. I found them to be instructional in mindfulness, and very empowering.

Thich Nyat Hanh is also highly recommended, and on my list to read.

Thought provoking post, W. I spend too much time wallowing around in the past. When I first tried to stop drinking, regrets led me back to alcohol many times. It was simply too painful to confront my past. Finally, I got very tired of sabotaging myself by keeping one foot in yesterday. I still have to work hard to stay in the present, but it's getting better. I like the book suggestions.

I also like what ZeldaFan said. We wouldn't be who we are today if not for the road we've travelled (...and we are pretty fantastic :)).

I've posted this on the forum several times before:

"She (the author) learnt from her Eders that everything in the universe is perfect. People and everything else only become less than perfect when compared to someone or something else, or when influenced by negative forces."

--Rangimarie Turiki Pere, Maori Writer

In Western culture we are taught to understand ourselves and our world by comparison, contrast, dualism, and similarity. It is difficult for us to even imagine that the way other people think and the thinking processes themselves differ from our own.

Imagine the shock of discovering that the majority of people in the world do not use the same thinking processes we do! In fact, in some circles, the use of comparison, contrast, dualism and similar forms of thinking are linked with schizophrenia and addictive thinking processes.

If everything in the universe is perfect, I don't need to compare myself or anything to anyone or anything else. I'm learning to accept people and things as they are. The way I have been taught to think affects me more than I realize.

Anne Wilson Schaef, Native Wisdom for White Minds, Ballantine: 1995

This is a great thread...I really struggle with Keeping myself in the "now"...a yoga teacher I had once used to say that any comparison (to other people, the past, whatever) is to rob yourself of joy...I need to be reminded of this constantly!

Hi wpainterw.

What you describe is a fruitless and mostly painful enterprise. And yet it's also completely human. Comparing ourselves to others, especially others who are more like we are than otherwise, is what we do. This despite the fact that we're missing important pieces of data when we make our comparisons.

The mind has an infinite number of ways to trick itself, and ruminating over a life that could have been or one that will never be is only one of them. It's like paying interest on a loan you'll never get. It's one of many ways to actually avoid living life. Worse still, it's a huge waste of time and energy for many people and, ultimately, a waste of a life.

When I first got sober about thirty years ago, I taught myself to expect that life is not supposed to work out the way I plan it to work out, which in turn opened me up to the belief that I didn't need to be in control of outcomes in life, and that whatever happens is not going to kill me, even when things seem to work against me.

The more I live in my head, the less time and energy I have to live my life as it is and as it will be.

Great thread. I always seem to want to compare myself to others, which either makes me feel superior or inferior, neither of which is accurate or helpful to me in any way. I am learning to live in the now, and trying very hard to learn to quit judging myself against others.

Great thread.

Acceptance has been a great tool to help me stay in the 'now.'

It started with alcohol, but I'm finding it very useful to keep my mind in a good place with all types of situations and keeps me acting in the 'now' rather than 'what could have been.'

When I feel negative emotion, it's my trigger to find the 'accept' in the situation.

My sponsor has told me at least a dozen times, if not more, "You are right were you are supposed to be".

I took that and apply it to everything. I am were I am supposed to be in recovery, in life, at my job, with my family, with my home, with my friends etc.

It reminds me to stay in the now and with me. I am not you or them and that goes for everyone and everything in my life, not just my recovery. I think we have to be honest where we are now and accept what we are capable of now. Not before or in the future.

There are things I am capable of doing now that I was not able to do before and I try to stay focused on those. People tell me I am doing well and it took me a minute or two before I started to believe them. I am not sure why. Maybe it is my trust issues and I am being to hard on myself. I think maybe it is that I need to let go more.

There is a plan for me and I want to know what it is but I am not privy to that information and I think I go in circles trying to figure it out.

I understand you are decades sober, W, but this whole idea of mindfulness and being aware and present in this moment has great applications for those new to sobriety.

It is very empowering to understand that anyone can stay sober for a moment, and then vow to stay sober in the present moment. And then to understand that one can choose to 'never now drink'. All of this comes from mindfulness, the ability to divert attention from the mistakes of the past, and from the uncertainty of the future, to the reality of the present. The present moment is the one we have control over. It's the only time that things happen too, including sobriety.

I have no way of being able to express what it's like to be me , the fully nuanced me . Even my parents who know me best still don't know me. I'm not sure i fully know me , i change depending on where i am and in which situation , i can tell you generalities but how useful is that ?
So i have no way of telling you my experience , you have no way of understanding it , there cannot be a comparison with no common point of reference .

I read 100's of books on self help and phillosophy quite a few religeous texts , i found no answers , in the end i forgot any questions i might have had , i have no questions about life just an experience . I have food in my belly and a roof over my head as much as any person in this world could reasonably expect . Just drop all of it and have a nice life :)

Bestwishes, m

I can recommend The Power of Now. Eckhart Tolle tells us of his own experience of discovering his true "self". It is an extremely powerful read. I'm going to dig it out and read it again - thanks for reminding me :)
And by the way, I remember reading that Eckhart Tolle said he had lived with several Zen Masters - all of them cats!
Just this morning I ordered The Spirituality of Imperfection, NuuDawn recommended it a while back. I've been reading some reviews of the book today and many people have described it as life changing . I'm so looking forward to reading it.
Also, you can go on YouTube and find videos of Eckhart Tolle, check him out, he has some very interesting things to say :)

Great post!

By no means take what I am about to say as me being happy in any way about the drinking person that I was but here's my take.

My life right now is a compilation of all things that have happened to me whether they be positive or negative. If those negative things never occurred I could have never learned from them therefore I would not be the person that I am today without them.

Do I wish that I could change some of those things? Absolutely! However, they are still a part of my learning experience and that's how I choose to reflect on them.

That's what's important.

I use the theory that I can love a thing for what it is, or hate it for what it's not. But in reality accepting what it is and deciding if and how I need that in my life is the most useful.

My BF (also sober and in recovery)and I listen to Eckhart Tolle videos on youtube in the morning during breakfast, ideas we can use as we go about our day. Some of his books are also available as free audio books online, or to purchase as audio books, nice for driving or while washing dishes etc.

P.S. One further thought occurred to me. I am fairly well along in years. And one of my challenges is to avoid comparing what my friends or family are like today to what they were like, or what I perceive they were like, many years ago. People change with time. I too have changed. That is all that can be said, or should be said. Memories can be dangerous. And often it is mistaken and fruitless to try to guess the future. The only thing certain is the "Now". Auden, the poet, wrote a cynical and depressing poem, which begins "As I went out walking, walking down ******* Street..." The poem is beautiful but mistaken. An old tree, gnarled with age, some of its branches torn by storms, may still lift itself up and say that the only thing that really matters is "Now!", that today it is alive, survived the years and that the sun is warming its leaves, cooled by the wind and watered by the rain. A tree does not think of its memories, enshrined in the circles laid down in its trunk. It is too busy searching for the sunlight.

W.

How lovely to read, W. Beautiful, touching words. Thank you for this gift.