Time
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Time
I learned how to stop attacking my present in retaliation for my past.
The biggest challenge to my learning to stay sober was dealing with past guilt and shame. In fact I carried my past out in front of me all my life from some pretty severe child hood abuses. So I never got to see the present because I was always living in my past. Seeing everything through past events.
Until recently... Through my recovery learnings... Was I able to think of things differently and as a result free myself from it. No longer are past shames a challenge to my being sober or most all aspects of my life.
My addictive voice has a notion of time that is solely based in the past. He wants me to see everything through that lens. It convinced me that the only meaningful aspect to time is the past. Not true.
My AV's emphasis on guilt enables it to ensure continuity of my addictions by making my future like the past and avoiding the present.
When I make myself pay for my past in my future it's then the past that everything is measured by. Essentially I have no present at all. All I saw was a hurt little boy. A drunk. A drug user. In everything and everyone I met.
Everything I tried to do I failed at because I failed every time it tried to stay sober or not use. I think most alcoholics can relate to the cycle we keep. Get up... Say I will not drink...evening comes... I drink... I wake with a ton of shame on my chest... I say I will not drink... I drink again.
I attacked every waking moment with reasons that don't exist any more. I work very hard every day to keep reminding myself that it's ok if something good happens to me.
I recently got a new job... A new car... Some really good things.... And I fought my past... Punch for punch to get to a point I feel I can have these things. That's my past and my addictive voice saying no you don't.
This revelation is nothing small. I see it for what it is and then in the same day need to fight again to see it so I don't drink or use on auto pilot.
Anyway.... Don't let the past attack your today. See today for what it really is. Give yourself a break. It feels good to live for today. A lot less I have to carry around.
What are your thoughts?
The biggest challenge to my learning to stay sober was dealing with past guilt and shame. In fact I carried my past out in front of me all my life from some pretty severe child hood abuses. So I never got to see the present because I was always living in my past. Seeing everything through past events.
Until recently... Through my recovery learnings... Was I able to think of things differently and as a result free myself from it. No longer are past shames a challenge to my being sober or most all aspects of my life.
My addictive voice has a notion of time that is solely based in the past. He wants me to see everything through that lens. It convinced me that the only meaningful aspect to time is the past. Not true.
My AV's emphasis on guilt enables it to ensure continuity of my addictions by making my future like the past and avoiding the present.
When I make myself pay for my past in my future it's then the past that everything is measured by. Essentially I have no present at all. All I saw was a hurt little boy. A drunk. A drug user. In everything and everyone I met.
Everything I tried to do I failed at because I failed every time it tried to stay sober or not use. I think most alcoholics can relate to the cycle we keep. Get up... Say I will not drink...evening comes... I drink... I wake with a ton of shame on my chest... I say I will not drink... I drink again.
I attacked every waking moment with reasons that don't exist any more. I work very hard every day to keep reminding myself that it's ok if something good happens to me.
I recently got a new job... A new car... Some really good things.... And I fought my past... Punch for punch to get to a point I feel I can have these things. That's my past and my addictive voice saying no you don't.
This revelation is nothing small. I see it for what it is and then in the same day need to fight again to see it so I don't drink or use on auto pilot.
Anyway.... Don't let the past attack your today. See today for what it really is. Give yourself a break. It feels good to live for today. A lot less I have to carry around.
What are your thoughts?
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
My feelings are the more that you're focusing on the problem the less you're focusing on the solution. It sounds like you feel the same 
I hated myself when I was drinking and I hated that I drank. So I drank so that I wouldn't feel that way. What an endless cycle of madness and insanity.
Shame and guilt over what we did is an underlying way to justify why we drank and to awaken that pesky AV. Every emotion that we had was an excuse to pick up. Boredom, loneliness, and stress really are invented excuses to drink. Not to say that we would never be one of those three. However, it was a quick go to when we needed a reason.
Good to see that you're doing well Weasel!
I hated myself when I was drinking and I hated that I drank. So I drank so that I wouldn't feel that way. What an endless cycle of madness and insanity.
Shame and guilt over what we did is an underlying way to justify why we drank and to awaken that pesky AV. Every emotion that we had was an excuse to pick up. Boredom, loneliness, and stress really are invented excuses to drink. Not to say that we would never be one of those three. However, it was a quick go to when we needed a reason.
Good to see that you're doing well Weasel!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Oh yes, that awful, hateful cycle. So many mornings of the shame, guilt and even rage at the fact that I could not seem to rely on myself, give myself my OWN word to keep, in the face of a drink. Why could I seemingly (at least in the beginning) keep my word to others but never, ever to myself?
Yes, the past. The spiral, the constant looking in the rearview mirror. That "elevator drops too fast" feeling in the pit of my stomach when I remembered the last incident of humiliation. Yet another late night email I didn't remember writing? Bruises I didn't remember incurring? People who I knew I had hurt but couldn't remember how or why...Absolute panic at facing simple tasks like driving. Showering. Brushing my teeth.
Yep, play it again Sam. One more drink to numb the pain, forget about yesterday, make tomorrow seem more hopeful.
Tomorrow I'll stop.
But tomorrow never came.
Until it did. Now the past is nothing but the illusion it always was. But seen clearly now and unflinchingly. It is as dead as the person who spent all those years trying to drink it away. I hope. I pray. My AV won't win now, not in this moment. That's all I can do. Kill it softly but surely.
You deserve the job, the car, and all the beauty and gifts of the Universe, Ken. We all do. We just need to step out of the cycle and let the past...pass.
So glad you wrote this today. I needed it.
((Hugs))
Yes, the past. The spiral, the constant looking in the rearview mirror. That "elevator drops too fast" feeling in the pit of my stomach when I remembered the last incident of humiliation. Yet another late night email I didn't remember writing? Bruises I didn't remember incurring? People who I knew I had hurt but couldn't remember how or why...Absolute panic at facing simple tasks like driving. Showering. Brushing my teeth.
Yep, play it again Sam. One more drink to numb the pain, forget about yesterday, make tomorrow seem more hopeful.
Tomorrow I'll stop.
But tomorrow never came.
Until it did. Now the past is nothing but the illusion it always was. But seen clearly now and unflinchingly. It is as dead as the person who spent all those years trying to drink it away. I hope. I pray. My AV won't win now, not in this moment. That's all I can do. Kill it softly but surely.
You deserve the job, the car, and all the beauty and gifts of the Universe, Ken. We all do. We just need to step out of the cycle and let the past...pass.
So glad you wrote this today. I needed it.
((Hugs))
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
learning to "drop" stuff has been one of the most powerful tools in my armoury against my mad old alkie brain .. drop resentments , drop attachments and not just attachment to things and people but also ideas and thoughts .
These days i'm not so sure what an "I" is and that it isn't just another powerful idea tought to us by those people who bring us up . Everyone seems to have a slightly different idea of themselves ...
This organism has learned mind altering substances are not good for it , defining the extent or nature of the organism isn't necesary for this learning to have happend .
Second most powerful tool is acceptance , all of the questions i had are gone , once i accepted stuff i found i had no questions about life . just the normal wanting to know how to get something, go somewhere or do something .
Bestwishes, m
These days i'm not so sure what an "I" is and that it isn't just another powerful idea tought to us by those people who bring us up . Everyone seems to have a slightly different idea of themselves ...
This organism has learned mind altering substances are not good for it , defining the extent or nature of the organism isn't necesary for this learning to have happend .
Second most powerful tool is acceptance , all of the questions i had are gone , once i accepted stuff i found i had no questions about life . just the normal wanting to know how to get something, go somewhere or do something .
Bestwishes, m
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