Honey I'm Home!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Honey I'm Home!
OK, this is not about the Shining, but perhaps that is a fitting concept for what I am struggling with.
I just finished reading an article titled "Why Marriages Need Support After Rehab for Alcoholism", Hitched Magazine. Tried to link but Bill Gate's job is secure for today because I am shamefully inept with linkage.
My husband is bugging me. I am bugging him. I am bugging me.
After cruising around the internet, apparently this is a very common time for marriages to be strained. I spend a lot of time on the F&F pages because it helps me to understand both perspectives.
I have found it really useful to have some sort of perspective pointed out to me by addiction specialists. Having my expectations managed in early sobriety has been crucial to my ability to navigate, ride out urges, or just surrender when I am overwhelmed. Knowing that putting together days gives my body a chance to start to rebuild has alleviated the urgency of waiting for the pot of gold to be delivered overnight. It's a process, a ride and no matter what, drinking is no longer an option.
I did 30 days of inpatient. We had family week the 3rd week. My husband came out and it was amazing. I felt really fortunate because there were a lot of very sad and stressful family situations that week too. A woman who I got very close to had a husband show up and serve her divorce papers and announce that her children were in another country.
We had workshops, group meetings, role playing, it was intense. Then we get sprung on the outside world. "Honey I'm Home"! They flew home a week ahead of me. The night I got home from rehab it was late, and when I pulled into the driveway there was a homemade sign "Welcome Home MoM" with candles in front of it. The house was immaculate and everyone was talking at once because there was so much to catch up on. It was so strange to be away for 30 days, everything felt foreign when I got home.
Fast forward from July 27th to last night. I am accusing my husband of being passive aggressive because he sent out my daughter's bday invites without asking me to be involved. I am suspicious about some chick that is all over him on Saturday mornings when he takes my daughter to a Sports Complex for gymnastics (trust me ladies, this one is definitely on the prowl). He is telling me I do nothing around the house (I don't right now, I am just uninspired). He is telling me I was happier when I was in rehab. etc, etc, etc. I tell him, I am doing something, I have been sober for almost 4 months..blah, blah, blah...So much for the lovely sign and the candles. I felt like drinking just because he seems to be taking my sobriety for granted. I know, dangerous.
All in all, a lovely back and forth laundry list of unmet expectations on both of our parts. We have (had?) what I believed to be a very good marriage, married almost 17 years,together 20. That's a lot of storms to weather. But after doing a little reading today, this can be a very precarious time for marriages. And it helps me a lot to know that. The newly sober person is expending a lot of energy just staying sober. And the spouse is expecting that sobriety will bring with it all of the joy and reasons they married us in the first place. KABOOM! And that is frustrating as h#ll, for both of us. But, after researching it today, I am starting to this is somewhat to be expected in early recovery. Some marriages don't survive early sobriety. My mother got sober over 35 years ago, she divorced my father a year after she got sober. I wonder how many marriages could perhaps survive if couples were given more information about what may come up.
Of course, I realize all of us come to the table with a different story. But knowing that this is a likely scenario and discussing it with our spouse could perhaps diffuse the situation. When these crises arrive in the first year and the recovering alkie is resentful as all get out because they are doing their damnedest and not being appreciated, and the spouse is furious because the honeymoon of early sobriety is over and they are sick of doing their share and then some.....at least we could both say, ok, now we are in it.
Sorry so long, just my thoughts on marriage in early recovery.....I would love to hear what anyone else feels about this..
I just finished reading an article titled "Why Marriages Need Support After Rehab for Alcoholism", Hitched Magazine. Tried to link but Bill Gate's job is secure for today because I am shamefully inept with linkage.
My husband is bugging me. I am bugging him. I am bugging me.
After cruising around the internet, apparently this is a very common time for marriages to be strained. I spend a lot of time on the F&F pages because it helps me to understand both perspectives.
I have found it really useful to have some sort of perspective pointed out to me by addiction specialists. Having my expectations managed in early sobriety has been crucial to my ability to navigate, ride out urges, or just surrender when I am overwhelmed. Knowing that putting together days gives my body a chance to start to rebuild has alleviated the urgency of waiting for the pot of gold to be delivered overnight. It's a process, a ride and no matter what, drinking is no longer an option.
I did 30 days of inpatient. We had family week the 3rd week. My husband came out and it was amazing. I felt really fortunate because there were a lot of very sad and stressful family situations that week too. A woman who I got very close to had a husband show up and serve her divorce papers and announce that her children were in another country.
We had workshops, group meetings, role playing, it was intense. Then we get sprung on the outside world. "Honey I'm Home"! They flew home a week ahead of me. The night I got home from rehab it was late, and when I pulled into the driveway there was a homemade sign "Welcome Home MoM" with candles in front of it. The house was immaculate and everyone was talking at once because there was so much to catch up on. It was so strange to be away for 30 days, everything felt foreign when I got home.
Fast forward from July 27th to last night. I am accusing my husband of being passive aggressive because he sent out my daughter's bday invites without asking me to be involved. I am suspicious about some chick that is all over him on Saturday mornings when he takes my daughter to a Sports Complex for gymnastics (trust me ladies, this one is definitely on the prowl). He is telling me I do nothing around the house (I don't right now, I am just uninspired). He is telling me I was happier when I was in rehab. etc, etc, etc. I tell him, I am doing something, I have been sober for almost 4 months..blah, blah, blah...So much for the lovely sign and the candles. I felt like drinking just because he seems to be taking my sobriety for granted. I know, dangerous.
All in all, a lovely back and forth laundry list of unmet expectations on both of our parts. We have (had?) what I believed to be a very good marriage, married almost 17 years,together 20. That's a lot of storms to weather. But after doing a little reading today, this can be a very precarious time for marriages. And it helps me a lot to know that. The newly sober person is expending a lot of energy just staying sober. And the spouse is expecting that sobriety will bring with it all of the joy and reasons they married us in the first place. KABOOM! And that is frustrating as h#ll, for both of us. But, after researching it today, I am starting to this is somewhat to be expected in early recovery. Some marriages don't survive early sobriety. My mother got sober over 35 years ago, she divorced my father a year after she got sober. I wonder how many marriages could perhaps survive if couples were given more information about what may come up.
Of course, I realize all of us come to the table with a different story. But knowing that this is a likely scenario and discussing it with our spouse could perhaps diffuse the situation. When these crises arrive in the first year and the recovering alkie is resentful as all get out because they are doing their damnedest and not being appreciated, and the spouse is furious because the honeymoon of early sobriety is over and they are sick of doing their share and then some.....at least we could both say, ok, now we are in it.
Sorry so long, just my thoughts on marriage in early recovery.....I would love to hear what anyone else feels about this..
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Excellent post. Incredible perspectives and insight.
I've been with the old boy for about 500 years. We were high school sweethearts who broke up and got back together ALOT before we decided we wanted to do this. Forever. We have seen each others winter dance, summer dance, spring and fall. Rarely can we surprise one another. Ever since he first knew me, I was drinking. He has seen me lower than a pregnant ant. And higher then the Empire State. And now, he's learning who I am without it all. And he has had to change as well.
Part of it frightens him he has told me. He has always placed a certain degree of his personal worth on my train wreckedness. Hearing that your husband planned a birthday party without you feels familiar to me. My DH would have done that for fear it wouldn't have gotten done. In the past. You know me say ?
So yes, the dynamic of the codependent/alcoholic that your relationship has been built on has drastically changed. As you find your footing, so must he.
Maybe you aren't tangoing anymore, but learning how to waltz together.
I have heard that no major life decisions should be made the first year of sobriety. From your shares, he sounds like he loves and supports every morsel of you. That ain't chump change. It's magnificent to have someone in your corner.
As far as the little tart at gymnastics, well, bud, maybe it's time to take off the old moo moo, polish up the old under carriage, put some lipstick on, pull yourself together and get your freak on.
He sounds like a keeper.
And I know damn well you are.
XO AO
I've been with the old boy for about 500 years. We were high school sweethearts who broke up and got back together ALOT before we decided we wanted to do this. Forever. We have seen each others winter dance, summer dance, spring and fall. Rarely can we surprise one another. Ever since he first knew me, I was drinking. He has seen me lower than a pregnant ant. And higher then the Empire State. And now, he's learning who I am without it all. And he has had to change as well.
Part of it frightens him he has told me. He has always placed a certain degree of his personal worth on my train wreckedness. Hearing that your husband planned a birthday party without you feels familiar to me. My DH would have done that for fear it wouldn't have gotten done. In the past. You know me say ?
So yes, the dynamic of the codependent/alcoholic that your relationship has been built on has drastically changed. As you find your footing, so must he.
Maybe you aren't tangoing anymore, but learning how to waltz together.
I have heard that no major life decisions should be made the first year of sobriety. From your shares, he sounds like he loves and supports every morsel of you. That ain't chump change. It's magnificent to have someone in your corner.
As far as the little tart at gymnastics, well, bud, maybe it's time to take off the old moo moo, polish up the old under carriage, put some lipstick on, pull yourself together and get your freak on.
He sounds like a keeper.
And I know damn well you are.
XO AO
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Jeez Louise I wished you lived next door...we could be like Lucy and Ethel.
Just tell me how you always see right through to the absolute crux of the matter? How? I think you neural pathways are on fire! (now where else could you get a compliment like that).
I am sitting here agog that you just dissected the issue in two minutes!!!!!!!!! CRA CRA!!
Just tell me how you always see right through to the absolute crux of the matter? How? I think you neural pathways are on fire! (now where else could you get a compliment like that).
I am sitting here agog that you just dissected the issue in two minutes!!!!!!!!! CRA CRA!!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Jaynie - great post - I am sort of going through this now, just we are both alcoholics and getting sober differently. I consulted a lawyer to see what life would look like and explained ot my wife that there is no us unless she decides to get sober bc I know how it will end up and I cannot go through that insanity despite my love for her. Anyhow after a few blowout fights and two relapses she too has decided that what we have is worth saving.
My point is not to hijack your thread and focus on me but it helped in my case to have the cards on the table and fully understand what things would look like. Financially and from a co parent perspective they are quite ugly. A freind also helped point out that the anger you and your husband may have confirms the love is still there (this was the case with us). So that spark is not put out just smoldering for the moment. Question I had to answer and perhaps you is whether its worth the work to blow oxygen on the coals because it takes hard work on both sides. For me the answer was a simple yes that I had to complicate.
My point is not to hijack your thread and focus on me but it helped in my case to have the cards on the table and fully understand what things would look like. Financially and from a co parent perspective they are quite ugly. A freind also helped point out that the anger you and your husband may have confirms the love is still there (this was the case with us). So that spark is not put out just smoldering for the moment. Question I had to answer and perhaps you is whether its worth the work to blow oxygen on the coals because it takes hard work on both sides. For me the answer was a simple yes that I had to complicate.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Hi jaynie! First, 
to you for all of the hard work you've done. That's a lot of work and you should be commended for it.
I drove my husband absolutely crazy the first few months of sobriety. I obsessed, that's all I wanted to talk about. I wanted to tell him all my feelings and expected that all of a sudden things should be all rosy because I quit.
On the contrary, (and like we need any more than we already have to handle) you have to relearn things in your marriage. The best way that I've heard it put was how my daughter's addiction counselor explained it. You have a couple who have been dancing the same dance together for years. All of a sudden one of them is doing a different dance. There's going to be an adjustment period.
In another thread I saw it explained even better than that.
Point blank, it's going to take some time to adjust to new life. It's work but it's worth it!
I hope this helped somewhat
to you for all of the hard work you've done. That's a lot of work and you should be commended for it.I drove my husband absolutely crazy the first few months of sobriety. I obsessed, that's all I wanted to talk about. I wanted to tell him all my feelings and expected that all of a sudden things should be all rosy because I quit.
On the contrary, (and like we need any more than we already have to handle) you have to relearn things in your marriage. The best way that I've heard it put was how my daughter's addiction counselor explained it. You have a couple who have been dancing the same dance together for years. All of a sudden one of them is doing a different dance. There's going to be an adjustment period.
In another thread I saw it explained even better than that.
"Think of a puzzle," she says. She draws a square and then inside of this adds squiggly puzzle shapes, with one piece missing. "So this piece here is you." She draws an individual puzzle piece. "In recovery, your shape changes. In order for you to fit back into the rest of the puzzle, your life, the other pieces of the puzzle must also change their shapes to accommodate you."
I hope this helped somewhat
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Great topic, Janie. Ironically, my upcoming wedding anniversary (19 years) coincides with my first sober month anniversary. It's funny because for most of my married life, I have always prided myself as having a great marriage. Like all marriages, we have had our ups and downs, but the roller coaster has always been The Little Dipper for us, nothing crazy, no big loop-de-loops. Even my sister and my friends have commented on my particularly healthy marriage. However, I have noticed little things adjusting since I have decided to get sober. The other day I was having one of those low days and I started worrying that I drank to numb out my feelings of disappointment or longing. I got married relatively young (part of this was to escape a dysfunctional, controlling family of origin) and I started a family relatively young, as well. There is part of me, which I know is normal for middle age, that has a lot of "what ifs" and "what nexts" running through my head lately. I hope the "what ifs/nexts" don't get louder without the pitchers of sangria to drown them out.
I also think there is a part of my husband who likes being the strong, sensible one in the relationship. He is the rock who is dependable and can take care of himself, everybody and everything. I think if he is honest he might have liked having to take care of his creative, crazy, off the wall, cute little wifey. I definitely sense a level of insecurity that he may be starting to feel, as I am feeling like I am growing stronger and saner, exponentially every day.
I think it is good to come into sobriety understanding that the relationship dynamics are apt to change, because at least one person in the relationship is changing so fundamentally. I am going to rely on what I always do and that is to communicate a lot with him and focus on what I love most about him and our relationship (instead of the negative things). In the long run, two healthy people make for a healthy relationship, so I have high hopes for the future, even if it gets a little rocky until the "new normal" sets in.
I also think there is a part of my husband who likes being the strong, sensible one in the relationship. He is the rock who is dependable and can take care of himself, everybody and everything. I think if he is honest he might have liked having to take care of his creative, crazy, off the wall, cute little wifey. I definitely sense a level of insecurity that he may be starting to feel, as I am feeling like I am growing stronger and saner, exponentially every day.
I think it is good to come into sobriety understanding that the relationship dynamics are apt to change, because at least one person in the relationship is changing so fundamentally. I am going to rely on what I always do and that is to communicate a lot with him and focus on what I love most about him and our relationship (instead of the negative things). In the long run, two healthy people make for a healthy relationship, so I have high hopes for the future, even if it gets a little rocky until the "new normal" sets in.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by jaynie04 
Jeez Louise I wished you lived next door...we could be like Lucy and Ethel.
Just tell me how you always see right through to the absolute crux of the matter? How? I think you neural pathways are on fire! (now where else could you get a compliment like that).
I am sitting here agog that you just dissected the issue in two minutes!!!!!!!!! CRA CRA!!
Just tell me how you always see right through to the absolute crux of the matter? How? I think you neural pathways are on fire! (now where else could you get a compliment like that).
I am sitting here agog that you just dissected the issue in two minutes!!!!!!!!! CRA CRA!!
I get this vibe that he adores you. And, honestly, who wouldn't ?
But, boys will be boys. And who doesn't love their egos stroked now and then ? Especially when our lives have been turned upside down and we are getting that, ahem, age ?
What you've got, is what everyone is searching for. A real, true, honest devotion to one another.
It should make you scream "I RULE ! You see this guy ? He's MINE bi chez"
Now go powder your nose and put on something slutty and remind him all over again what you two are. Together.
Fasten your seatbelt kids. It's gonna be a bumpy night.
Knockers up.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Can both of you say, 'Yeah, you're right' when faced with a true criticism? Can you both apologize when the other is hurt even when you weren't wrong?
That would be true friendship. Add some decent sex and you've got marriage. Paperwork optional.
Take some focus off the sobriety part, try that angle.
That would be true friendship. Add some decent sex and you've got marriage. Paperwork optional.
Take some focus off the sobriety part, try that angle.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Originally Posted by silentrun
My husband got away with a lot of complaining the last 2 years because I didn't want to speak and let him know how drunk I was. That came to and end and it's been real hard on him.
This is not just a learning process for us getting sober. It's a learning process for everyone around us and sometimes it's hard to remember that.
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