200th day.... Let me SHINE!!
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200th day.... Let me SHINE!!
October 25,2013
Today marks the 200th day of my last drink! It's been a twisting journey of self discovery. I've found out things about my life, I've tucked away and drank away to keep them dormant. I HAVE SO MUCH PAIN INSIDE! Yet on the outside everything is perfect.
I am doing it though despite the hell it is to work through what put me here. Along this journey a clandestine friend from an unlikely place showed me something I needed to see.
My actuality is vastly different then my perfect persona. I am only at the very beginning of transitioning into an empowered person. But I am strong and will get there one little step at a time! For the 1st time I'm opening up to family and disclosing my secrets but, surprise surprise they already knew them and were just waiting for me to see it for myself.
Yesterday I had my 2nd graders teacher conference. I sat at her desk with swollen eyes from crying all day. The teacher told me my daughter is brilliant, possibly one of the most intelligent children she's ever taught. BUT... She's yet to see a child SUFFERING from so much anxiety! She said my daughter is in a constant state of nervousness, she's pensive with mouth clenched and shoulders up, panic in her eyes. As the teacher told me this I snapped into my own body, she was describing ME! My eyes filled with tears yet again. I don't know if this is inherent or situational but I know I've got to help my little girl change her present and future! Or she will be just like mommy
! It's absolutely heart crushing to see that our own internal pain is passed from mother to child through observation I suppose. I'm going to fight like hell to fix this for her! Already signed her up for yoga .....
some NAMASTE time.
Sorry for a never ending post but I needed to put this somewhere! Thank you SR for always being that place.
Sooooo at 200 days it's not about the drink anymore! It's about the fight to fix my fake perfection.
IT'S MY TIME TO SHINE!🌞
Today marks the 200th day of my last drink! It's been a twisting journey of self discovery. I've found out things about my life, I've tucked away and drank away to keep them dormant. I HAVE SO MUCH PAIN INSIDE! Yet on the outside everything is perfect.
I am doing it though despite the hell it is to work through what put me here. Along this journey a clandestine friend from an unlikely place showed me something I needed to see.
My actuality is vastly different then my perfect persona. I am only at the very beginning of transitioning into an empowered person. But I am strong and will get there one little step at a time! For the 1st time I'm opening up to family and disclosing my secrets but, surprise surprise they already knew them and were just waiting for me to see it for myself.
Yesterday I had my 2nd graders teacher conference. I sat at her desk with swollen eyes from crying all day. The teacher told me my daughter is brilliant, possibly one of the most intelligent children she's ever taught. BUT... She's yet to see a child SUFFERING from so much anxiety! She said my daughter is in a constant state of nervousness, she's pensive with mouth clenched and shoulders up, panic in her eyes. As the teacher told me this I snapped into my own body, she was describing ME! My eyes filled with tears yet again. I don't know if this is inherent or situational but I know I've got to help my little girl change her present and future! Or she will be just like mommy
! It's absolutely heart crushing to see that our own internal pain is passed from mother to child through observation I suppose. I'm going to fight like hell to fix this for her! Already signed her up for yoga ..... some NAMASTE time.Sorry for a never ending post but I needed to put this somewhere! Thank you SR for always being that place.
Sooooo at 200 days it's not about the drink anymore! It's about the fight to fix my fake perfection.
IT'S MY TIME TO SHINE!🌞
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
Thanks it's good to see instead of reverting to drink, your tackling the problems, it will help your daughter no end , but perhaps seeing you with less angst would help her as much if not more!
200 days fantastic, keep them building.
John.
200 days fantastic, keep them building.
John.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Congrats on 200 days
I'd try not to worry too much about the example you're setting for your daughter - IMO, the example of the last 200 days is a great one, and I know it will continue to get better and better
D
I'd try not to worry too much about the example you're setting for your daughter - IMO, the example of the last 200 days is a great one, and I know it will continue to get better and better
D
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Imperfectlyme, First and foremost congratulations on your big day, 200! I'm proud of you! That was a lot of work. Before you start stressing about your child, I've seen plenty of above normal intelligent children in my life, I have one of my own. They know they are a little different, something about learning comes easy for them. She is being anxious. Lots of kids are anxious. If this bothers you take her in to see the pediatrician. One thing I've learned about kids, my own kids, is to NOT cry in front of them too often, especially when they can't "see" an owie that is hurting you. She sounds like a beautiful, intelligent little girl. Love her for her, don't guilt trip yourself out, or blame yourself. You two should celebrate this great day, excellent report conference and 200 days with a glass of strawberry milk! Take care, you're a fine mommy! TF
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: north hollywood, ca
Posts: 70
Thank you for sharing ImperfectlyMe! Many things you said regarding your daughter hit home with me and my son (8 yo). Now that I'm sober, I'm constantly becoming more and more aware of any residual damage I've done to him emotionally from my years of drinking and hiding.
The good news is is that since you are sober, and since your daughter is still young, she will pick up on your current behavior and can emulate who you are today. It takes a lot of courage and a very amazing, strong heart to be able to survive alcoholism. 200 days is a tremendous feat!
Im in my 64th day and yesterday I was feeling overcome with fears popping up in my head here-and-there until I realized that I was letting Negative Self-talk get the best of me.
I had to consciously remind myself that everyday I have a choice (beyond not taking the first drink, of course), and that is...Am I going to be the Strong Woman that I know that I am and Face my Fears Today? or, Am I going to cower and Run form my Fears Today?
Keep that AV in check and be sure to give yourself positive, kind, conscious self-talk everyday. Our addiction tries to sneak in and pull us down from any angle it possibly can, but You are a Survivor, and the Light will Always Shine through The Darkness
The good news is is that since you are sober, and since your daughter is still young, she will pick up on your current behavior and can emulate who you are today. It takes a lot of courage and a very amazing, strong heart to be able to survive alcoholism. 200 days is a tremendous feat!
Im in my 64th day and yesterday I was feeling overcome with fears popping up in my head here-and-there until I realized that I was letting Negative Self-talk get the best of me.
I had to consciously remind myself that everyday I have a choice (beyond not taking the first drink, of course), and that is...Am I going to be the Strong Woman that I know that I am and Face my Fears Today? or, Am I going to cower and Run form my Fears Today?
Keep that AV in check and be sure to give yourself positive, kind, conscious self-talk everyday. Our addiction tries to sneak in and pull us down from any angle it possibly can, but You are a Survivor, and the Light will Always Shine through The Darkness
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Congrats on the 200 days. That is a major ackomplishment to be proud of. Don't beat yourself up, your doing a great job and setting a great example for your daughter. Empowering yourself sounds great, with each day you are becoming a stronger more self aware woman and a better human to boot. Your daughter I am sure is proud to have such a great mom.
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Posts: 2,310
Yeah so I'm really soooooo not ok I've spent at least the last 10 years pretending I'm ok, big happy smile. Ask me how in doing and my response is fabulous!!!! But I feel like I'm drowning and can't keep my head above water. I'm not going to drink, but if I didn't have three people to care for and take care of I'd be on the next flight out west to run as fast as I could to get the hell away.
I'm trying to process so much so quickly I can't catch my breath. Nothing worse then feeling alone in a room full if people. Maybe this is another glorious dose of paws. I sure hope it is because if its not feels like I'm having a break down. I just want all my pain to ******* stop!!!!
Sorry To unload but my only person to confide in right now is 4 and probably not yet equipt.
I've spent at least the last 10 years pretending I'm ok, big happy smile. Ask me how in doing and my response is fabulous!!!! But I feel like I'm drowning and can't keep my head above water. I'm not going to drink, but if I didn't have three people to care for and take care of I'd be on the next flight out west to run as fast as I could to get the hell away. I'm trying to process so much so quickly I can't catch my breath. Nothing worse then feeling alone in a room full if people. Maybe this is another glorious dose of paws. I sure hope it is because if its not feels like I'm having a break down. I just want all my pain to ******* stop!!!!
Sorry To unload but my only person to confide in right now is 4
and probably not yet equipt.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hey Imperfectlyme, Make today a happy day for yourself, you have accomplished a great deal in 200 days, a wonderful feat that a lot of people only dream of. Please stop overwhelming yourself, you can't tackle and fix everything. Take it one issue at a time, and you're right...breathe! Celebrate that beautiful child of yours, let the love for her overwhelm you instead of some AV telling you things that will break you down. That little girl needs you, kick that AV to the curb. Get to a meeting, don't be alone. Face to face contact with an adult that knows what you're going thru makes all the darkness seem lighter. Ok? Take care, it's you're big day and I'm proud of you! TF
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Congrats on a shiny 200!!
Just take that golden lasso, wrap it thrice around your own waist and ask if the 'perfection' you want to fix or build is the perfect you, fears foibles and all and not anything else. Perfection is being the best, genuine You, you can be, and from what little I can glean from an internet forum , I'm betting you're awesome.
Just take that golden lasso, wrap it thrice around your own waist and ask if the 'perfection' you want to fix or build is the perfect you, fears foibles and all and not anything else. Perfection is being the best, genuine You, you can be, and from what little I can glean from an internet forum , I'm betting you're awesome.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Congratulations on 200 days sober!
I think, in general, it's normal to feel like we're not doing enough or the right things for our children. No one has child-rearing down pat. Your daughter is very smart and very anxious. So...you signed her up for yoga. That's great. As you move on in your recovery and begin to relax, she will see that, too.
I should add that no one ever saw the real me until I stopped drinking. I always had a façade ready and pretended to be put together, because I knew I should. Mia Farrow's biography is entitled "What Falls Away". I was always intrigued by the title but didn't know what it really meant until I stopped drinking. Pretty much everything I had believed about myself fell away because it was all fake. It takes some time, but you will find the real you.
I think, in general, it's normal to feel like we're not doing enough or the right things for our children. No one has child-rearing down pat. Your daughter is very smart and very anxious. So...you signed her up for yoga. That's great. As you move on in your recovery and begin to relax, she will see that, too.
I should add that no one ever saw the real me until I stopped drinking. I always had a façade ready and pretended to be put together, because I knew I should. Mia Farrow's biography is entitled "What Falls Away". I was always intrigued by the title but didn't know what it really meant until I stopped drinking. Pretty much everything I had believed about myself fell away because it was all fake. It takes some time, but you will find the real you.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
Imperfect, your doing great, I also want to apologies for saying your daughter would be happier if you were less angstful,I imagine your doing a fantastic job and you will get where you want and deserve , because your not giving up on anyone , just at the time when you really need to be carried over this bumpy road.
PAWS I didn't really think it happened or was that common until , a course of painkillers for a slipped disc and when I didn't need them , stopped and a week later I kept crying and believing I was weeks from death.
Love John.
PAWS I didn't really think it happened or was that common until , a course of painkillers for a slipped disc and when I didn't need them , stopped and a week later I kept crying and believing I was weeks from death.
Love John.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
As a child I always had that deer in the headlight look. Family life at home was horrible growing up.
BUT
I learned as a parent, a non-drinking parent, to lay on a blanket on the grass with my children and look at the clouds float by. I learned how to lay on our backs across the bed, hanging our heads upside down and just being silly. I learned how to jump up out of a chair, yell "dance time" and then proceed to dance around the house with my kids laughing and smiling. I learned to sit with my daughter in front of the bathroom mirror, side by side, and look at ourselves as we made happy faces, sad faces, silly faces, scared faces, surprised faces, etc. I learned how to talk to my kids and listen while we played board games or put a puzzle together (a never ending project). I learned to jump in rain puddles, splashing ourselves silly and then coming in and toweling off.
Mostly, I learned how to talk to my kids.
We would have "slug days" where we would do nothing but stay in our pajamas, eat popcorn, watch silly movies, bake chocolate chip cookies and talk. Talk about whatever they wanted to. Mostly just listened and followed their lead. No judgment, offering understanding without necessarily trying to fix anything.
I learned about their fears and slowly but surely helped walk them through those fears. A gentle smile, a kiss on the cheek, a hug. A snuggle in bed at night.
Yoga is a great start. When you relax, they will too. Slow down, stop stressing, stop trying to fix everything, don't drink and just BE.
These are just some of the things I did. I was amazed at the shift in just a matter of weeks and then months and then years.
Hope some of this helps.
BUT
I learned as a parent, a non-drinking parent, to lay on a blanket on the grass with my children and look at the clouds float by. I learned how to lay on our backs across the bed, hanging our heads upside down and just being silly. I learned how to jump up out of a chair, yell "dance time" and then proceed to dance around the house with my kids laughing and smiling. I learned to sit with my daughter in front of the bathroom mirror, side by side, and look at ourselves as we made happy faces, sad faces, silly faces, scared faces, surprised faces, etc. I learned how to talk to my kids and listen while we played board games or put a puzzle together (a never ending project). I learned to jump in rain puddles, splashing ourselves silly and then coming in and toweling off.
Mostly, I learned how to talk to my kids.
We would have "slug days" where we would do nothing but stay in our pajamas, eat popcorn, watch silly movies, bake chocolate chip cookies and talk. Talk about whatever they wanted to. Mostly just listened and followed their lead. No judgment, offering understanding without necessarily trying to fix anything.
I learned about their fears and slowly but surely helped walk them through those fears. A gentle smile, a kiss on the cheek, a hug. A snuggle in bed at night.
Yoga is a great start. When you relax, they will too. Slow down, stop stressing, stop trying to fix everything, don't drink and just BE.
These are just some of the things I did. I was amazed at the shift in just a matter of weeks and then months and then years.
Hope some of this helps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Thank you received your post makes me feel hopeful for the future. As well as horrified I might not be doing enough! I don't think that was possible. Maybe I'm doing to much of what's not important and not enough of what is!?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: north hollywood, ca
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Received 
As a child I always had that deer in the headlight look. Family life at home was horrible growing up.
BUT
I learned as a parent, a non-drinking parent, to lay on a blanket on the grass with my children and look at the clouds float by. I learned how to lay on our backs across the bed, hanging our heads upside down and just being silly. I learned how to jump up out of a chair, yell "dance time" and then proceed to dance around the house with my kids laughing and smiling. I learned to sit with my daughter in front of the bathroom mirror, side by side, and look at ourselves as we made happy faces, sad faces, silly faces, scared faces, surprised faces, etc. I learned how to talk to my kids and listen while we played board games or put a puzzle together (a never ending project). I learned to jump in rain puddles, splashing ourselves silly and then coming in and toweling off.
Mostly, I learned how to talk to my kids.
We would have "slug days" where we would do nothing but stay in our pajamas, eat popcorn, watch silly movies, bake chocolate chip cookies and talk. Talk about whatever they wanted to. Mostly just listened and followed their lead. No judgment, offering understanding without necessarily trying to fix anything.
I learned about their fears and slowly but surely helped walk them through those fears. A gentle smile, a kiss on the cheek, a hug. A snuggle in bed at night.
Yoga is a great start. When you relax, they will too. Slow down, stop stressing, stop trying to fix everything, don't drink and just BE.
These are just some of the things I did. I was amazed at the shift in just a matter of weeks and then months and then years.
Hope some of this helps.
BUT
I learned as a parent, a non-drinking parent, to lay on a blanket on the grass with my children and look at the clouds float by. I learned how to lay on our backs across the bed, hanging our heads upside down and just being silly. I learned how to jump up out of a chair, yell "dance time" and then proceed to dance around the house with my kids laughing and smiling. I learned to sit with my daughter in front of the bathroom mirror, side by side, and look at ourselves as we made happy faces, sad faces, silly faces, scared faces, surprised faces, etc. I learned how to talk to my kids and listen while we played board games or put a puzzle together (a never ending project). I learned to jump in rain puddles, splashing ourselves silly and then coming in and toweling off.
Mostly, I learned how to talk to my kids.
We would have "slug days" where we would do nothing but stay in our pajamas, eat popcorn, watch silly movies, bake chocolate chip cookies and talk. Talk about whatever they wanted to. Mostly just listened and followed their lead. No judgment, offering understanding without necessarily trying to fix anything.
I learned about their fears and slowly but surely helped walk them through those fears. A gentle smile, a kiss on the cheek, a hug. A snuggle in bed at night.
Yoga is a great start. When you relax, they will too. Slow down, stop stressing, stop trying to fix everything, don't drink and just BE.
These are just some of the things I did. I was amazed at the shift in just a matter of weeks and then months and then years.
Hope some of this helps.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by ImperfectlyMe
Yeah so I'm really soooooo not ok I've spent at least the last 10 years pretending I'm ok, big happy smile. Ask me how in doing and my response is fabulous!!!! But I feel like I'm drowning and can't keep my head above water. I'm not going to drink, but if I didn't have three people to care for and take care of I'd be on the next flight out west to run as fast as I could to get the hell away.
I'm trying to process so much so quickly I can't catch my breath. Nothing worse then feeling alone in a room full if people. Maybe this is another glorious dose of paws. I sure hope it is because if its not feels like I'm having a break down. I just want all my pain to ******* stop!!!!
Sorry To unload but my only person to confide in right now is 4 and probably not yet equipt.
I've spent at least the last 10 years pretending I'm ok, big happy smile. Ask me how in doing and my response is fabulous!!!! But I feel like I'm drowning and can't keep my head above water. I'm not going to drink, but if I didn't have three people to care for and take care of I'd be on the next flight out west to run as fast as I could to get the hell away. I'm trying to process so much so quickly I can't catch my breath. Nothing worse then feeling alone in a room full if people. Maybe this is another glorious dose of paws. I sure hope it is because if its not feels like I'm having a break down. I just want all my pain to ******* stop!!!!
Sorry To unload but my only person to confide in right now is 4
and probably not yet equipt.Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
ImperfectlyMe,
Some great experience and wisdom has been shared. Liked what 2 fish said about the crying in front of the child or sharing your troubles with your child. sounds like you are doing well to get recovered and that is something you should feel good about. A happier and relaxed you will tickle down to your daughter.
take care of yourself.
love
CaiHong
Some great experience and wisdom has been shared. Liked what 2 fish said about the crying in front of the child or sharing your troubles with your child. sounds like you are doing well to get recovered and that is something you should feel good about. A happier and relaxed you will tickle down to your daughter.
take care of yourself.
love
CaiHong
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