Living & loving an addict..... Feeling lost.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Bergen County NJ
Posts: 3
Living & loving an addict..... Feeling lost.
Today is my second night living away from my boyfriend of 2 & 1/2 years. He is addicted to heroin and pain killers. I will try to keep this short and to the point but after two and half years it may be a little difficult. The first time I realized or discovered he had a problem was last summer. August to be exact. We didn't live together yet but I spent 90% of my time at his house. Not once did he ever seem like he might have a drug problem. I knew that he had "blues" in the house for his on and off again back pain. I can even admit that we took them together twice on two separate occasions recreationally before I had discovered he had been abusing them. One day last August, I came to his house unannounced. Normally this was NEVER an issue, but this one time I noticed he seemed off, his eyes were blood shot, he was sweating and he looked at me like he didn't know why I was there. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was tired, yet he hadn't worked in a week. He said he wasn't feeling well. So stayed with him, little did I know he was withdrawing from painkillers. A 12 pill a day habit. I was in shock when he told me. He told me everything, where he would get them, why he started taking them, when he realized he had a problem. He did weeks of research to prepare himself for an at home detox. Weeks later he seemed great, I made him take a few drug tests randomly and he would always pass. His good friend was in Florida in rehab with the same addiction and he use to swear to me that he didn't want to ever hit rock bottom like him and disappoint me or family. MISTAKE #1 I made, I didn't tell anyone. Not a soul. Not his family, not his friends, not family. A couple months went by and we decided to live together. Shortly after that is when I made MISTAKE #2. In December of last year only 4 months after cleaning up he was rushed to the hospital with a blood clot in his lung. Not even 28 years old. He was in so much pain and couldnt breathe, alls the hospital did was pump him with morphine and pain meds. MISTAKE #2: I didn't tell the hospital about his past pain killer addiction. I still say to this very day what if I had. It dawn on me until day 5 in the hospital when he was still complaining about bad pain. It hit me. He didn't have the pain anymore because the clot was disintegrating and he was getting better according to his blood levels. I politely and sadly told the nurse the mistake I made so she quickly made sure no one would give him anymore. The damage was done. He was hooked again. And I had my suspicions. I would comfort him and he would DENY LIE DENY LIE DENY LIE. We argued over it almost everyday until this past April when I decided that I was going to leave. I told him and he begged me to stay. "I'll clean up I promise, things will be different." I wanted to believe him so so so so so bad. I loved him. I still do. We had so much together, he was perfect he is perfect, he can be perfect, perfect for me. And thats why I stayed. This time We told his family and friends. Because his addiction was worse, he wasn't taking as many pills but his depression grew deeper because of them. His paranoia increased, along with anxiety and the lack of determination he had to do anything. MISTAKE #3 he didn't seek professional help and I allowed it. This time I became strict and I thought that would help. I had access to his phone, he was working 12-16 hours days keeping busy, he came home right after work if I couldn't pick him up and most importantly he was happy. He was able to provide for me (not that I need it or depend on it I have a very good paying job) and that maybe him feel good. We kept busy on weekends, spent our whole summer down the shore, on vacation, just being young and in love again. And then again came August. He lost his job. His boss lost the company and went bankrupt owed my boyfriend $14,000 for 8 weeks of pay he did not pay him. I should have opened my eyes. Because I knew something wasn't right. Again. But this time it was king heroin. See I had access to every dollar he spent I had his life savings stashed away where he would never find it, so his funds were limited. Guess that's why he turned to heroin. After two months of suspecting and accusing I decided to keep my mouth shut and wait for him to slip up. It was easier for him to lie because he wasn't working. Last week I went snooping around the house and I found an empty bag of heroin. I wanted to die at that very moment. That very moment my life my heart my soul crashed and burned all in the palm of my hand in the form of a little white torn up baggie. I confronted him and he broke down. Same song, same dance. But this time I was done. Done with feeling like a failure because of his disappointments, so I left. Nothing can get me to stay. He says he is going to get help REAL HELP. I support him and him getting help, but I can no longer live in the house while he is getting the help he needs. I hope he gets sober and stays clean. Living with an addict is such a roller coaster, I love him but it literally makes me sick to see him half a sleep, drooling on himself, talking out of his ass, my family noticed my friends noticed. I can't do it anymore 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Hi October, I am so sorry you are going through all of this pain. I know how very hard it is to love and live with an addict. Are you getting any support for yourself? Have you tried NarAnon or any other support programs for spouses/partners of addicts?
Please keep posting here. Above all, DO NOT blame yourself. I am not as familiar with NarAnon as I am with AlAnon but I believe the same means of acceptance applies: "You did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it."
We also have a Family and Friends forum here that is very active and very, very helpful. You might want to post this over there as well to get some more support and people familiar with what you're going through exactly.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Big hugs and lots of good wishes to you!
Please keep posting here. Above all, DO NOT blame yourself. I am not as familiar with NarAnon as I am with AlAnon but I believe the same means of acceptance applies: "You did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it."
We also have a Family and Friends forum here that is very active and very, very helpful. You might want to post this over there as well to get some more support and people familiar with what you're going through exactly.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Big hugs and lots of good wishes to you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: corby
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by October75love 
Today is my second night living away from my boyfriend of 2 & 1/2 years. He is addicted to heroin and pain killers. I will try to keep this short and to the point but after two and half years it may be a little difficult. The first time I realized or discovered he had a problem was last summer. August to be exact. We didn't live together yet but I spent 90% of my time at his house. Not once did he ever seem like he might have a drug problem. I knew that he had "blues" in the house for his on and off again back pain. I can even admit that we took them together twice on two separate occasions recreationally before I had discovered he had been abusing them. One day last August, I came to his house unannounced. Normally this was NEVER an issue, but this one time I noticed he seemed off, his eyes were blood shot, he was sweating and he looked at me like he didn't know why I was there. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was tired, yet he hadn't worked in a week. He said he wasn't feeling well. So stayed with him, little did I know he was withdrawing from painkillers. A 12 pill a day habit. I was in shock when he told me. He told me everything, where he would get them, why he started taking them, when he realized he had a problem. He did weeks of research to prepare himself for an at home detox. Weeks later he seemed great, I made him take a few drug tests randomly and he would always pass. His good friend was in Florida in rehab with the same addiction and he use to swear to me that he didn't want to ever hit rock bottom like him and disappoint me or family. MISTAKE #1 I made, I didn't tell anyone. Not a soul. Not his family, not his friends, not family. A couple months went by and we decided to live together. Shortly after that is when I made MISTAKE #2. In December of last year only 4 months after cleaning up he was rushed to the hospital with a blood clot in his lung. Not even 28 years old. He was in so much pain and couldnt breathe, alls the hospital did was pump him with morphine and pain meds. MISTAKE #2: I didn't tell the hospital about his past pain killer addiction. I still say to this very day what if I had. It dawn on me until day 5 in the hospital when he was still complaining about bad pain. It hit me. He didn't have the pain anymore because the clot was disintegrating and he was getting better according to his blood levels. I politely and sadly told the nurse the mistake I made so she quickly made sure no one would give him anymore. The damage was done. He was hooked again. And I had my suspicions. I would comfort him and he would DENY LIE DENY LIE DENY LIE. We argued over it almost everyday until this past April when I decided that I was going to leave. I told him and he begged me to stay. "I'll clean up I promise, things will be different." I wanted to believe him so so so so so bad. I loved him. I still do. We had so much together, he was perfect he is perfect, he can be perfect, perfect for me. And thats why I stayed. This time We told his family and friends. Because his addiction was worse, he wasn't taking as many pills but his depression grew deeper because of them. His paranoia increased, along with anxiety and the lack of determination he had to do anything. MISTAKE #3 he didn't seek professional help and I allowed it. This time I became strict and I thought that would help. I had access to his phone, he was working 12-16 hours days keeping busy, he came home right after work if I couldn't pick him up and most importantly he was happy. He was able to provide for me (not that I need it or depend on it I have a very good paying job) and that maybe him feel good. We kept busy on weekends, spent our whole summer down the shore, on vacation, just being young and in love again. And then again came August. He lost his job. His boss lost the company and went bankrupt owed my boyfriend $14,000 for 8 weeks of pay he did not pay him. I should have opened my eyes. Because I knew something wasn't right. Again. But this time it was king heroin. See I had access to every dollar he spent I had his life savings stashed away where he would never find it, so his funds were limited. Guess that's why he turned to heroin. After two months of suspecting and accusing I decided to keep my mouth shut and wait for him to slip up. It was easier for him to lie because he wasn't working. Last week I went snooping around the house and I found an empty bag of heroin. I wanted to die at that very moment. That very moment my life my heart my soul crashed and burned all in the palm of my hand in the form of a little white torn up baggie. I confronted him and he broke down. Same song, same dance. But this time I was done. Done with feeling like a failure because of his disappointments, so I left. Nothing can get me to stay. He says he is going to get help REAL HELP. I support him and him getting help, but I can no longer live in the house while he is getting the help he needs. I hope he gets sober and stays clean. Living with an addict is such a roller coaster, I love him but it literally makes me sick to see him half a sleep, drooling on himself, talking out of his ass, my family noticed my friends noticed. I can't do it anymore
I wish you well i understand how hard this is for you but you defo have made the right choice. xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Bergen County NJ
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone for your positivity! It is GREATLY appreciated. I have not yet seeked any of my own treatment. I would like to go with my boyfriend to a support group. What do you all think?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 5
Hello All,
My suggestion is (for those who are Christians) is just have to say "Jesus" every time we feel depressed and down and bear the cross like he says. I know its easier said than done. My two cents.
Have a blessed Day!
My suggestion is (for those who are Christians) is just have to say "Jesus" every time we feel depressed and down and bear the cross like he says. I know its easier said than done. My two cents.
Have a blessed Day!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
