Correy

23rd day sober after a recent relapse...

Day #9 was very tough. Than, #16 was difficult as well. Then I realized those were Mondays and Monday was always my total obliteration day, a sort of tradition.

Yesterday was yet another Monday. Suddenly, a high-powered HW producer was coming to see me. Mind you, I'm flat broke, jobless, with no family or close friends here and while there's no imminent project at sight with him, this is the guy I might need in the near future in order to end this penniless misery. He is my only contact in / with the real world. Moreover, he is a such in the world that is all but "real" like in real - real, but the world where everything depends on contacts.

We were supposed to meet in a bar where everyone knows me, a kind of a place that pours you a drink even before you enter it.

So I went there, a beer was given to me immediately and I had a hard time explaining them that I'm not going to drink it. When I said I have no money, looking for an "excuse" they insisted, adding a shot to the beer telling me how my credit there is good if I'd like to have more after those freebies, no matter the current "situation, " etc. I did not drink, but boy, was I tempted... (and I was nervous before the meeting anyway)

They guy did not show up, sent a text telling me he'll be there in few days instead for something came up. Now I dread a second "chance"... for he also wants us to go out, have a lunch, some wine so we could discuss "several projects in development" etc.

Now the funny part...

When I was sober for a year or so, before the relapse, I would not even consider having a drink or "dread" whatever, I would have said no thanks, I don't drink and that would be it. Now I do dread it, for now I want that f** drink, I really do (NOT in my everyday life - I'm to screwed up and too busy trying to find a way to, virtually, survive even to think about the drink) and the trick my mind is playing on me is that this guy is one in a million i.e. he represents a one in a million chance and I need not to screw it.

I feel all this as a "build up for a drink" and feel horrible (just until yesterday's phone call I did not even consider a possibility of going back there... and have been avoiding that particular place like a plague, just to be sure) for I am, if I want to be frank looking forward to that drink!???? Like this is one and only event, an exception I must accept, blah blah blah... all that despite me knowing that once he's gone I'd be left alone with only a wish for another drink...

Hopefully I have enough time to regain control, but this is indeed horrible, I feel like I'm split in two...

Damn...

Sorry for ranting...

Dee74

My addiction loves fear - it feeds on that like nothing else - you're not good enough, make a good impression, don't be different or 'difficult', don't send up any red flags....

The bottom line is one in a million chances shouldn't rest on you drinking or not, Correy - they should rest on your past volume of work and your reputation

good for you for not drinking - I hope the contact leads to some work

D

least

I'm glad you didn't drink. Could you meet this guy at another place, not a bar?

flujays

It's your Addictive Voice (AV) talking you into it. Don't let the Beast win, you can do this, don't let yourself pressure yourself into drinking and don't stand in your own way on your path to sobriety. I'm very good at giving great advice but I know all to well my own struggles with the Beast and I know how terribly difficult it is. Have you considered telling the guy your an alcoholic and would prefer not to meet in a bar? If you choose to go ahead and meet him at the bar, this situation is setting you up for one of two things. Could be disaster if you drink or could be extra strength to you if you get through it without drinking. The choice is yours. I think you have the strength to get through it, based on the fact that you came here for advice BEFORE doing anything. That fact in itself speaks volumes in that it says you really want to stay sober. If you didn't you would have gone and met him, probably drank and would be back here afterwards for us to help pick you up again, which we would have done without a second thought. I know this because it's exactly what I have done and what so many on SR have done. It is also what I will do differently next time. I will reach out BEFORE i relapse, thereby hopefully avoiding that horrible situation. I wish you the best.

Correy

Thanks a lot Dee74, least, flujays...

... for it seems all I needed was to read these responses and a bit of common sense to switch back to normalcy.

I mean, when I read my first post now, it sounds like insanity. And it was less than three hours ago? This moment I could go to a bar and spend a night there and a drink would not even be a question or an option.

I completely forgot what roller-coaster disease thinking creates...

Thanks again. I will try to remember today's lesson.

DoubleDragons

We're sober buddies. I am on Day 24. I really feel like we have made it through some big hurdles coming this far. Cravings are less intense and less frequent. Good for you for staying strong and getting back to feeling normal!

Correy

Sober buddies sounds like an inspiration.

Mentium

Those bars that do that? They remind me of the drug dealer offering you a 'free sample' knowing you are going to get hooked and come back for more.. not a good thing in the slightest!

Joe Nerv

I held onto these experiences as they gave me strength when confronted with similar situations down the road. It feels as if we can't get past cravings or situations, but we do, we get stronger, and it gets easier. I always knew too that if I picked up, I would be starting at zero again, and eventually wind up in the same exact spot, having to do everything I already did all over again. And I believed it would be harder next time.

As for the experience in the bar I'd suggest a better plan for saying "no" to a drink. I'm absolutely certain I'm not going to drink so I just say, "I don't drink" and it's the end of the story... but I can understand that not being so easy for someone they're used to seeing drinking reguarly. As it would most likely be followed by a barrage of questions. If I were in that position I'd just say, "No thanks, not today". And if asked why I'd say something along the lines of, "Alcohol has been getting in the way of things, and I need to lay off it." If they pushed after that I'd look them in the eyes and repeat, "I said no, please leave it at that."

Making up excuses is an invitation to trouble. So is hanging out in bars, but you already know that. They're dangerous places for newly sober alcoholics. In early sobriety (didn't do it till after a year) I found I had no problem hanging out in bars, while I was actually there. It wasn't until the next day, sometimes even a couple of days after, that I'd start feeling like I was missing something by not drinking. After torturing myself enough I found more productive things to do, and now I'm only in bars when I absolutely have to be. As a musician, that's pretty often, but it has no affect on me at all anymore. I'm aware of alcohol's presence, but it's just not a part of anything I do. I don't miss it, and I don't want it. At all.

deeker

Can't drink Correy I am getting ready to post your 1 month in 24 Club. You need to show the new people that it can be done even through the tough times.

Not to much pressure right? Accountability! It works!

flujays

Hey, how about saying you're on antibiotics for a middle ear infection? Usually works a treat. If you say you're driving, people can still say oh but one is ok. Or, you could say something along the lines of that you're on medication for a heart condition you've just been diagnosed with and can no longer drink. I think if you make it a medical thing/drug interaction with alcohol, people usually won't pressure you.

Correy

Hey, thanks guys for all the support!!

After those several hours long bout of insanity when I wanted to drink I've gotten over it and am feeling great.

Having a drink is not an issue at the moment, it had not been an issue when I went there and when I was offered several more drinks (I couldn't avoid meeting in a bar for it is a bar - restaurant type he really likes) I even cracked a joke, not a good one, but nevertheless.

A small victory if a fight over the beast does not mean I won the war yet, so I will try to stay vigilant.

deeker

Yay!