walkingman62

Freddy,

Most of us can relate to your underlying issues. If you need to talk one on one with anyone, there is a "Friends" link here. I know Rage. He controlled my life since childhood. Today, I control him.

walkingman62

SR community,

Please accept my apology for speaking as WE rather than in an I perspective. I too can forget that I am but one set of fingers punching keys here, and speak only from my experience, strength and hope. Not from others.

Freddy, the willingness to return to meetings, even after a relapse, is the greatest show of courage and willingness, and probably one of the most loving things u could do for your recovery. Its the reason the chant, 'Keep coming back.'

walkingman62

SR community,

My correction in my last post to Freddy of the use of the pronoun "WE" in recovery, rather than "I". Was an unintentional mistake, hopefully no harm or offense was taken.

Dee74

Hi Freddy

yeas for me it got worse after a long break...it was like I'd stopped drinking, but my alcoholism kept progressing.

some can give up the drink and thats it - no further work required - for those of us who drank as some kind of self medication tho, getting sober is where the work really begins.

You obviously have some long standing underlying issues...I did too. Until I dealt with those, I was wounded...drunk or sober.

Sober or drunk, I had no understanding of how to change or heal myself - I needed help.

Find some help to help you fix those wounds - a Dr, counsellor, a recovery group, maybe even rehab?

it's hard work, but you're worth it Freddie

D

tangningsheng

The first and foremost thing to me is you focus on being sober. I have found actually I was just fine without alcohol in social situations. In fact, I was much more interesting and less annoying. It took me along time to realize that. I have been lucky that I found this site and realized that I don't need alcohol anymore as it doesn't add anything to my personality. In terms of being socially weird I have always felt like I was, as well. Going to the gym and taking classes. smiling a lot and just talking about your interests I have found some nice friends as well. Try to find a club or group with your interests if you like it their is going to be someone else that likes the same thing. I can't speak to AA haven't been, but I believe the others when they say its a good place to start. Be safe and Don't Drink. We are rooting for you
Best, Tang

ZeldaFan

Hi FreddyBear! I'm 30 and just now getting sober after drinking away a majority of my mid to late 20s. I am also socially awkward. Whenever I do talk to people I always feel like I'm not saying the right thing or they are judging me. However, I think a large part of that I brought on myself through my drinking. In college, I used to have friends and a very loyal girlfriend.

It was after college that I started to drink. My friend lived with me until he got married and then moved out and to the other side of town. I ruined my second relationship in less than two years being verbally abusive while drunk. After that, my world became ever increasingly smaller. Now, I really don't have any friends. The only people I really talk to are my coworkers and my mother. I haven't been in a relationship for over four years or been with a woman in that time. When I think about the idea of being with someone again I don't even know if I know how to be in a relationship anymore.

All that being said, I know the first step to repairing all of these issues is getting sober. I got about 40 days in and caved. I drank that weekend and then drank the next as well doing it alone as always. I made my world small and I realize that now. From reading on here, I know it will take months and not weeks to start to get to a better place. For now I'm just taking it one day at a time.

I know that was a bit of a rant on my situation but I wanted you to know you are not the only early 30-something who is alone. We just have to be strong and let time do its magic. If months go by and things are still rough, it's time to see a counselor and/or doctor. Be well!

walkingman62

This is a paragraph directly from a recovery 12 step workbook. It is written in the "we" version, not of my own words.

"There's a huge difference between resignation and surrender. Resignation is what we feel when we've realized we're addicts/alcoholics but haven't yet accepted as the solution to our problem. Many of us found ourselves at this point long before coming to the program. We may have thought that it was our destiny to be addicts/alcoholics, to live and die in our addiction. Surrender, on the other hand, is what happens after we've accepted the First Step - (admitted we were powerless over our addiction/booze/food/power/internet/gambling/ad infinite, and our lives have become unmanageable) as something that is true for us AND have accepted that recovery IS the solution. (Page 6 of the working step guide of NA section on surrender)

Here are the five things given in nearly every meeting I have been to that addresses the newcomer to the program:

1) Go to meetings
2) Listen to others
3) Get phone numbers and use them
4) Write a journal (this will help track your progress day by day and is a great place to write out feelings of anger, resentments, etc)
5) Keep coming back

To all in SR, if you are new, as I am within this forum, this is the first things I was given my very first meeting in January 1991. I cannot tell you how many times I talked to buddy's answering machine during breaks at college, but it kept me from getting loaded.

It is said by old timers that recovery will take as equal time as I used booze and drugs. I was introduced to second hand cigarette smoke the day my mother brought me home from the hospital. It was the first addiction, and the hardest one to quit...at least for myself.

The NICODERM website has a great message:

Never quit trying to quit!

One day at a time is all anyone really has, whether in the program or not. May God grant each of us in SR another 24 hours.

Peace be with you all my friends.

wiscsober

I found AA meeting places when I visited Trondheim and Bergen.

And if you are in Norway, Michigan there's a meeting too!

Best to you friend....I was in recovery at your age...and even today still deal with a lot of the things you have posted about...

no need to be hard on yourself....your drinking has done that for you....
I think you will find like minded recovery people who live near...

best to you!

ctrl

I found that I needed to learn what I liked to do all over again. It is a slow process.

Maybe you just aren't social in the classic sense. Maybe you would be if you were talking to someone about something that you were passionate about, but if you're like me you probably have to figure out what that is.

It is never too late to adjust your life. Past results don't matter, only your current path. You can't rest on the laurels of past results, and past failures don't block you from walking the path that brings you the most happiness.

walkingman62

ADDICTION: is the continued repetition of a behaviour despite adverse consequences, or a neurological impairment leading to such behaviours.

Addictions can include, but are not limited to, drug/alcohol abuse, exercise addiction, food addiction, sexual addiction, computer addiction and gambling.

Classic hallmarks of addiction include impaired control over substances or behaviours; preoccupation with substance or behaviour, continued use despite consequences, and denial.

Habits and patterns associated with addiction are typically characterized by immediate gratification (short-term reward) with delayed deleterious effects (long-term costs).

Physiological dependence occurs when the body has to adjust to the substance by incorporating the substance into the 'normal' functioning. This state creates the conditions of TOLERANCE and WITHDRAWAL.

TOLERANCE is the process by which the body continually adapts to the substance and requires larger amounts to achieve the original effect.

WITHDRAWAL refers to physical and psychological symptoms experienced when reducing or discontinuing a substance that the body has become dependent on.

SYMPTOMS generally include, but are not limited to, anxiety, irritability, intense cravings for the substance, nausea, hallucinations, headaches, cold sweats and tremors (shakes).

WIKIPEDIA.COM

LOLOLOLOLO LOL

Should have read this before attempting the patch to quit smoking, DUH!

FreddyBear

I haven't thought about it. I often find myself pretty comfortable with one-on-one settings or in very small groups of 3-4 people maximum. I used to put a lot of value on friendships and became extremely frustrated when someone drifted away. Not typical for a male, but it's how it is. It happened a few times after the university, and it was the time I began my life as a recluse and a drunk. If they don't want me, I thought, to hell with you, I don't need you and help myself.

At this time I find it hard to relate to people, forming any type of close relationships and even accepting compliments because I think they lie.

To be completely honest, I find myself overdoing everything, don't value my suiccesses but sweating even minor downfalls. When I have a very good month with my online business, I think it's just OK. But when income falls down I became frustrated. This same comes with physical fitness. I hired 2 personal trainers, one for the gym to motivate me for hardcore workouts, and one in the swimming pool, and exercised hard 6 times a week. The first gave me pretty decent shape and the second helped to melt lots of fat and become an above average swimmer. But when I seemed to reach a good shape, I thought: I'm a manlet of 170cm (5'7''), no decent lady will look at me twice anyway, so I'm screwed anyway. Let's get some beer.

I know I can't complain because I'm quite well off and don't have any problems except binge drinking. Well, it's a lot of text but maybe someone can relate, share their experience or suggest how to appreciate what I have and become less negative in general.

UpForIt

Freddy - a lot of what you say resonates with me. I think for me it is like Dee says the underlying issues are the problem. When I'm working out and not drinking I feel good. Then when I take a look around and realize I don't really have friendships outside of work or feel like I want to try to actually go on a date my negativity takes over. I don't think I've been on one date completely sober in my entire life. I'm not good at social groups either.

ReadyAtLast

Freddy.I'm guessing if you've had several stretches of abstinence in thelast 2-3 years then none of them last longer than a few weeks/months.You#re right,it is hard after the initial few weeks,almost a 'what now?' feeling.

It really does get betterthough although it doesn't happen in a month or 2. i'm 10.5 months now and shocked that I'm still having problems and really having to face life on life's terms rather than hiding behind a bottle. BUT, my life is so much better than it was and I am leanring to deal with things. It's just life, so not great every day, nor horrendous every day.

I'm learning that being sober makes things easier to deal with and cope with.It's very much a learning curve. Maybe you haven't given yourself enough time being sober as keep going back to square 1 when you pick up again.Life isn't all wonderful,hearts andflowers but it's a hell of a lot better sober than drunk.

ctrl

I have that same problem, and I only have 1 month. I used to think that not drinking was some sort of magic bullet that would solve all my problems.

The truth is that I have many mental problems and challenges, and drinking was just one of my many tools to stick my head in the sand.

I can white-knuckle not drinking, but that's not what recovery looks like. I need to change my mentality, which is the hard part. I need to look at why I'm avoiding things, why I procrastinate, why I'm not confident at times, etc. The answers aren't easy to find or face. However, I need to face them. I can't avoid life's problems.

I think lots of people developed coping techniques when they were younger, but I took on my addictions instead. Now I have to play catch up. I can learn. I just can't expect things to be fixed overnight.

MythOfSisyphus

I think you've hit the nail on the head FreddyBear. They say insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. As you say, what do you have to lose? Might as well try!

I know how you feel in a way; when the 'pink cloud' effect wears off you can be left thinking "now what?" Then you have to decide what! Some type of therapy sounds like a good idea. It sounds like you can afford it, and insurance will probably cover it.

At the risk of sounding stupid, maybe you need a hobby. I tend to obsess over my hobbies, maybe a little too much! But it gives my life focus and is really important. Plus, other people often share your obsession. It can be a doorway into developing a social circle.

I'm glad you have decided to post here, FreddyBear.

Itchy

You repeat over and over how drinking overcomes feelings of inadequacy and acknowledge that is an escape. Why is it so hard for us alcoholics to make the connection, crack the code? Our drinking is what alienates is precisely because we don't give a spit, and slowly take more and more anti social attitudes and behaviors on as our defense against working harder at being social.

Put simply, I didn't get sober for good until I realized that; "Alcohol provides us an avenue to run away from all of our problems . . . except the results of using alcohol. <sigh>"

I too had a laundry list of reasons I wanted to drink calling them needs. You are inherently decent. Get to know that about yourself again, let your imperfections be your individualism, let your freak flag fly. Feel like a freak sober? Gather other sober freaks to your life.

GracieLou

This made me laugh because it is so true. I have heard people tell me I am strange and my answer is "I know, but it works for me".

I did not like big crowds and not because I was afraid, it was because I wanted attention and if the crowd was to large then I am not going to get what I want. It is hard to get attention from 50 people.

So I went the other way. I went to isolation. I wanted to be alone to drink the way I wanted to. I even drank away the drinkers.

I thought I used to put a lot of value on friends and family and I was upset when they drifted but I have discovered it was my expectations of others that was my downfall. Expectations are just premeditated resentments. They did not say what I wanted or do what I was expecting so they let me down. It was no different with life. Life did not go the way I felt it was supposed to play out so it sucked.

I was expecting and trying to control my whole world. Work, friends, family...all of it. If everyone would just play their part in my world then it would be perfect. Like dolls. I could place them in my life where I needed them. I needed support, so I sat Jane next to me. I wanted to drink so I sat Mary and Joe next to me. If I needed someone to work on my car, then I sat my dad under the hood. If I needed sex then I sat John in my bed. It went round and round and when the characters did not play the way I wanted them to I replaced them or stuck them in other roles only to run the scenario again to see if that worked.

It never worked. I had to look at myself, not them. I had to look at my resentments and expectations of others and see where my faults were. I had to learn to let go not only of those old ideas but to let go of the control I was placing on others. It is not their fault that I wanted pie but they brought cake.

Spinach

Hello, your getting there, instead of giving the beer up for a month try 6 months or a year or better still give up for good. It'll give you time to get used to not drinking .
You seem to already know you have difficulties relating in groups so after the push of not drinking settles tackle that you got a personal trainer for fitness a life coach for teaching you those things that make people appear confident I'm sure once your used to that too you'll never need to drink on your own.
Firstly go for not drinking for a longer period ,if your frustration comes back then work on that rather than going back to beer.
Stay on here it is a great source of help and kinship.
John.