onthebrink

I thought I'd try to take an inventory of how I am doing day by day. Maybe it will help someone else. Maybe it will help me when I'm feeling weak. Maybe it will keep me accountable by checking in daily and updating.

My last drink was around 8:30pm on October 19. I was miserable. Hiding alcohol all over the house. Scared to quit. Scared to drink. I drank from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed most days. Started out as a wine drinker graduating to vodka.

10/20 Day One.
Very panicky, on edge, all I could think about was alcohol. Grumpy. Tired. Shaky. Afraid I was going to stroke out and end up in the ER. Took my Xanax script, breathed through it, distracted myself as best as I could. All I wanted to do was sleep but I have a family and it's the weekend so it just wasn't possible. Feeling horrible. Panic attacks come and go all day. Called the AA hotline and went to a meeting.

10/21 Day Two.
Much of the same. Can't eat. Feeling sick to my stomach. Wanting desperately to drink and just feel NORMAL again. I'm tired but can't sleep because my daughter (9 yrs old) got a 24 hr bug. My son (22 yrs old) decides he needs me to puppy sit so he comes to visit and for the first time in my LIFE I just wanted him to go away. I was so tired. So on edge. So sick. I posted here a lot trying to get through it. Still taking my Xanax as prescribed and find that it does help. Also find that rather than laying there in misery occupying my brain wih solitary work helps. I'm preparing for the worst, to fall down at any moment. Made sure the kids lunches were packed for the next day, took a shower, prepared dinner for tomorrow in case something happened to me. Gloom and doom. Snapping at everyone. Everyone says to eat sweets but I'm really not a sweet eater. I like vegetables so I nibble here and there on fresh produce.

10/22 Day Three.
Okay, I didn't die or get rushed to the hospital. The mind is great and powerful. It can make you feel horrible but I feel like I have a little control over it. Things get rough I breathe deep and work my way though it. Kids are off to school and I was not shaking when I woke up this morning. I had the strangest dreams last night. Kept waking up sweating but freezing. I feel like I smell FOUL no matter how many showers I take. Still not eating right but drinking lots of fluids and trying to keep food down. Today is my first day back to the 9-5 since quitting. I feel more positive today in general but I know I have a short fuse and I seem to be forgetting a lot of things. Here's hoping for a good day and no 5 o'clock panic attacks because that's when I really had the urge, leaving work. Oh and I look like death. Pale. Dark circles.

Thanks for reading and most of all, thank you all for your support.

Skye2

Well done and hang in there - by day 5 you'll feel amazing
Yes, I know all about that sour smell - it's horrible isn't it - that will pass soon too though - I guess it's just the booze coming out out through the pores? Perhaps someone else will know better than me, but I do sympathise. Thanks for the reminder too!!

Xx

Ryan8269

Thanks for posting... Day 2 here and can def relate to the anxiety gloom and doom early in the morning and at night! I think a daily journal is I great way to get your feelings out I have to go to my addiction therapist tomorrow and tell her I took 2 big steps backward last weekend

But thanks for the post! I'm right there with ya.... Sweating but cold, crazy nightmares etc.... Hang tough!

IOAA2

Congratulations on your progress, it gets better each day without a drink. I was informed when I was struggling that if I didn't pick up the first drink that I didn't have to get sober AGAIN. I worked. BE WELL

trudgingagain

Thanks for the reminders. I am only on day 8, but I never wanna detox again. I agree...if I don't pick up, I won't have to

Ethos23

That was great. I had to re-read a couple of sections and make sure it wasnt me that wrote them. Great job.

anchorbird

Keep it up, and yes, each day will get better. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

onthebrink

Ain't that the TRUTH!! I think about it like when I quit smoking. I didn't smoke for 14 years, went out with a friend who happened to smoke and said "What they heck, I'll have one." One tasted nasty, two with a couple drinks tasted GREAT. Then I had to freaking quit AGAIN. I don't want to make the same mistake with alcohol!!!

alphaomega

You have got what it takes sister. I can feel it.

For now, just keep putting one sober foot in front of the other.

You got this.

XO AO

onthebrink

Hang in there too Ryan!! Seriously. It does get better. I didn't believe that on day one or two but I am actually starting to feel <a little> better today. *knock on every piece of wood on this desk* I just keep telling myself it WILL get better and I WILL NOT drink. One will lead to ten and then right back to hell. It's hot there and the people are grumpy, I don't want to go back.

onthebrink

Oh and my username was a drunken typo - HA! How's that for a reminder. It was supposed to be onthebrink *snort*

Ryan8269

I know it gets better! I had 10 months and then relapsed in July and been on and off on the weekends drinking..... Glad I found this site though! Us alchys can use all the help we can get haha

ZeldaFan

What a great idea! I will definitely be following your log as you go. I'm excited to see how you start to feel at the end of the first week

onthebrink

True dat! Must avoid temptation. I know its a strong possibility, get comfortable, think you are okay now, think you can have just one. I've yet to see any one here say they succeeded in having "just one" and became a normal drinker. Sad but true. I still have those thoughts of "When I get better....maybe" running through my head too. Trying to not let the AV get the best of me.

onthebrink

Hey, look - they fixed my username.

onthebrink

Okay, I just have to post really quickly - I DID IT!! I made it home without stopping for a bottle. It was really hard, at 4pm I was contemplating..."Maybe just a small bottle." But I didn't and I'm really proud of myself right now. I still want a drink. I'm starting to shake a little. But I'm going to make dinner and calm myself down. I did it. One day at a time.

Happy dance!!!

13unluckyforsom

That's brilliant! You will feel such a relief waking up tomorrow sober well done you!

Ryan8269

What a great job! I too had the urge after the gym but I took a different route home. I thought to myself how small of a decision it could have been and how easily I could have stopped to get some on the way home. But I just as easily turned the other way! Another night sober so far. I'm right there with ya!

Fandy

How are you doing today?

onthebrink

Doin' great today Fandy, thanks for checking in on me! Figured I would post at the end of the day but I feel REALLY good! It was nice to not wake up all puffy and gross. I still have that voice in my head saying "Man, it would be nice to have a drink right now." But I'm trying to not listen to it and feeling REALLY grateful that my withdrawals have been pretty minor. The first two days were terrible!! But I didn't end up in the hospital and I got through it so I'm actually feeling pretty darn lucky and not wanting to jinx it.

My teeth were aching last night but they feel better today. I find that I am cold more often than hot which is REALLY strange for me as I'm ALWAYS the one complaining about being hot. I'm really feeling pretty okay though. I even found myself giving my bickering little ones GOOD advice last night rather than telling them to just go to their rooms. I do remember thinking to myself last night that it felt really strange to make a conscious decision to go to sleep at 10pm and not pass out. lol

I hesitate to post that I feel pretty damn good because I know many have dealt with so much worse than I have and I don't want to seem like "Oh this is a breeze!" because it's not. And if I take it for granted it could be really easy to slip up but I just feel lucky, kwim?

Symptoms today: Minor shakiness but again, my xanax helps kick that. Headaches. Lack of appetite. Being at work and being distracted helps A LOT! I do feel a little bit like someone on speed though. Agitated (but not angry) almost, jerky movements and when I'm talking to someone I have the thoughts in my head but they don't always come out right so I have to slow down and THINK and then restate what I'm trying to say.