Ptcapote

Hi again, OTB, I just caught up on your other thread and your introduction.

I agree with AO here, you can get through anything. And yes, the worst thing you can do right now is beat yourself up. There is absolutely no sense in it. It's the past. Drop it like a hot potato. It's done. I am not big on all the AA slogans but I like "When we know better, we do better" which covers a multitude of things that would feed that nasty cycle. If it helps to depersonalize your AV (I think maybe RR and/or AVRT do this?) then keep doing that. It is not YOU. I found myself an active alcoholic in much the same way and at the same age as you (I am almost 39). It went from a drink and a buzz every now and then to drinking every day and almost always to excess. The "How the eff did I get HERE?" is very familiar to me.

Nevermind. You were there and now you're here. This is the end of that road and the beginning of a new, wonderful one.

The love and tenderness you describe in helping your son accept who he was brought tears to my eyes. Now that is the stuff that makes the world go round.

How about applying some of that same goodness to yourself? All of us here can see you deserve it in bucketfuls, so at least let us love and support you until you can do it yourself full time.

Got nothing but admiration for you, sister.

Keep going. We're here.

onthebrink

Thank you Ptcapote. You brought tears to my eyes. I don't think I went in to much detail about my son here but you saw it anyway. He was and will always be my golden boy. An amazing person, the fact that he couldn't see how amazing I thought he was REGARDLESS of who he loved about killed me, and him. To be honest, that's when my drinking daily started. I was so scared for him and the fact that he couldn't see we loved him unconditionally and always would. He experimented with drugs, crashed his car, tried to commit suicide. After being my angel and honor roll student and golden boy for 18 years. Thank GOD he got through it and came back to me and is 100% his old self again, but then I was diagnosed with cancer at the same time he was struggling and I failed to cope. Never thought I would be here but here I am and I will make it through for him and my other two children. They always knew mom was a hard worker, strong, loving, and 100% there for them... I just never knew that about myself.

My first husband killed himself while professing his love for me over the phone after years of physical abuse because I left him. My father died when I was a child in a horrible accident. My life has been pretty dramatic but I've always pulled through. I think this alcohol thing has to be my hardest personal battle, but I'm worth fighting for damn it! I can't let my past define me. I have to be there for their future. If I can't love myself, how can I teach them to love theirselves? You really can't hide this disease, I've tried. I don't want my kids to get the short end of the stick because Mom is passed out on the couch after a bender. I'm new to the drinking game, as you saw from my old threads. Had no idea how horrible this could be. Or how quickly it can progress.

onthebrink

Wow. I just realized, he was 18 when things spiraled for me he just turned 22. Four years wasted on this crap. Four years to go from could care less about alcohol to daily drinking to becoming an alcoholic and powerless (even though I'm not a huge AA fan I believe this to be true) over alcohol and that's with a year or two of denial thrown in for good measure. It happens quick, eh?

trudgingagain

It is time......

onthebrink

Oh how I adore Rafiki. Maybe he needs to smack me upside the head with that walking stick!

FourSeasons

You have been through a lot, OTB. You have already suffered enough pain and alcohol is not helping you in anyway. Pain is the one and only constant thing alcohol brings. You can count on it each and every time. Sobriety is consistently a loving and nurturing friend.