toomuchtoolose

I don't what the hell is wrong with me but I'm sitting in a church car park on my own crying and alone. I'm so so angry and frustrated. I gave up drinking at the beginning of this year and have been sober for nearly 10 months now. I should feel good, right? I have a job, a husband, a family so I should be happy right? So why does the mind numbing monotony and crushing disappointment of normal life drive me so crazy? I just want to scream, I just want to run away. This is why I used to drink. The escape. The momentary release from being inside my own head. From being normal and struggling along everyday. So I don't have that anymore - so how the hell am I supposed to cope with this anger? Please help me.

Mizzuno

I wold think that you are going through some "growing pains" right now. Drinking will not solve whatever problem you are dealing with right now. In fact, drinking may only compound the situation. Allow yourself to feel this and then move on from it. Feelings never killed anyone, and you will be better off when you make it through this time. What is different this morning then over the last 10 months?

Clemence

Toomutch you have done amazingly well do stay sober for so long. Perhaps you're depressed. Have you spoken to a doctor? You shouldn't have to feel like this. There is tons of support here on SR but maybe you need some other kind of help too.

KateL

Took me years to get things into perspective, and I still take a tumble backwards from time to time but, being a bit crazy is better than being drunk

Nuudawn

Aw I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. And I certainly understand it. I have long known I have drank to escape life in my own mind. For me, sobriety is very much about "taming" that wild beast of a head I have. It can take me down very dark roads. You say you are in a church car park. Do you go to church? And if so, do you find spiritual nurturance and wisdom there? If not, perhaps that is part of the problem. Have you done any work with a therapist?

I know that my thoughts dictate my emotions and sometimes I just have to work very hard at switching the "current" channel. On the other hand, do not beat yourself up for feeling lousy and trying to resist that particular emotion. You are not "wrong" because you feel lousy. You are judging yourself too harshly for that by throwing up arguement that you "should" be happy because you have a job, husband and family. Pain is pain and is usually a messenger....not something to beat yourself up about.

Your pain is indicating an imbalance or hole somewhere. Are you pushing yourself too hard? Were you expecting too much from giving up alcohol and feel resentful that all is not tickety boo?

My best guess is that your own thoughts are being far too hard and judgmental on you. Do not judge what you feel and give yourself hell for feeling them. Seek to understand what the pain is telling you rather than resisting it and making yourself wrong for feeling it.

Opivotal

The first year of my sobriety was filled with up and downs. Emotions all over the place and frustration with living life without anesthetizing myself. This was all a journey to "find" out who I was and what I wanted out of life.

Crying, yelling are all normal, even sitting in the Church parking lot..normal!
I tried to think of all these emotions as a journey...my journey. Perhaps this is yours toomuchtoolose?

Find things that make you happy, make changes if necessary to accomplish this. Life is too precious to waste being miserable and unhappy. Take baby steps, do something nice for yourself today.

You might want to consider helping others. Volunteering is an excellent way to get out of your own head for a while.

Best Wishes To You!

ovrock

At an AA meeting I heard someone say that we worked so hard, spent so much money, sacrificed jobs family image, endured physical pain in hangovers etc to attain excellence in alcoholism..

Happiness and sobriety is not a given. We have to work for it as well. Some of us, harder than others... The difference is, the outcome is way more positive for self and loved ones...

ejackson

Hey, Toomuch, congratulations on 10 months! I know this accomplishment may not be making you feel better, but the fact that alcohol is no longer masking your feelings is a good thing. What you're dealing with now are your true, unencumbered feelings.

I suffer from depression, which also runs in my family, so it was easy to identify. I go through periods in which I get up only to get the kids off to school, and then I spend the rest of the day in bed. On those days, nothing can motivate me, and nothing can make me enjoy the beautiful life I have.

Alcohol won't help you now. Just know that.

In my case, I did some research, incorporated some of the obvious remedies like exercise (very important), healthy diet and plenty of sleep. I saw a doctor and learned I have very low levels of iron and Vitamin B (of course, I was drinking then, too), so supplements slowly helped me.

Also, I sometimes see an acupuncturist who also specializes in Chinese herbs. (I am familiar with the degree program he completed, so I trust him.) I was amazed at how effective his treatments were.

None of this is medical advice for you, but rather my sharing what has worked for me. It has helped lift my depressive fog, and, when I follow through on what I know is good for me, I do feel better.

Alcohol never, ever helped. I tried it for 17 years, and never once, did it contribute positively to my depression.

Take care. I'm so sorry you feel like this, because I know what it's like.

EndGameNYC

Hi toomuchtoolose.

You don't mention any treatment or program of recovery in your life. Kicking alcohol is an incredibly difficult process that very few people can do on their own, though many continue trying at their own peril. I'm one of those people who can't do it on my own. I truly despise writing the caveat that "I know AA isn't for everyone," while describing my unimaginable (to me) change of life as a result of working through the AA Big Book Twelve Steps. My life is filled with a loving family, professional challenges and achievements, great friends, fun, laughter, peace of mind and an optimism I never knew.

I despise the caveat in part because I believe that it more often than not it refers to the tens of thousands of people who dismiss AA out of hand, provide dozens of excuses as to why they won't go, or folks who, after attending a handful of meetings pronounce, "It didn't work for me."

"I'm not religious." "I'm afraid I'll cry." "The meetings are too far away." "I don't like the God thing." "I don't like groups of people." "I know someone who went to AA and then killed himself drinking." "I don't want people to know I'm an alcoholic." "People will talk about me." "The coffee stinks." "My husband/wife/therapist/best friend told me I don't need AA." "I don't like talking about my feelings in public." "What if I see someone there I know?" "I know people who got sober without AA." "People will think I'm crazy."

Many of us spend much more time and money researching and then buying a new car than we give to making an honest effort at finding effective treatment for a life-destroying and potentially fatal condition.

It's generally thought -- and it's been my experience -- that the fellowship AA offers is alone insufficient to live a happy and sober life, that people recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body by working the AA Big Book Twelve Steps. But it certainly doesn't hurt to have regular contact with caring and supportive others while we're struggling to get and stay sober.

I have no stake in whether or not you or anyone else finds relief through AA, but I do believe that having a support system with regular contact is crucial to our recovery.

soberclover

I think you are having "growing pains" too. I needed to address why I was always trying to use alcohol as a way to escape'; I'm in counseling. So great that you are reaching out!!

toomuchtoolose

Thank you everyone for your comments. The worst has past and I am at home again feeling better. It really helps to be able to share when things get dark. I was literally fantasising about going and getting a bottle of red wine and guzzling it all down like a soothing medicine but I know that won't change any of the things that are frustrating me away, they would all still be there in the morning. Going through these emotions without alcohol does mean you can see them more clearly and hopefully work through them properly. Thank you :-)

ElijahNoahColt

You have been so strong for so long, 10 months is an incredibly long time. Revel in the fact that the loved ones around you are so proud, you've done an amazing thing. It might not always feel great but you've made it so far! You can't put a label on happiness, what makes someone else happy might not make you happy and that is perfectly okay. You can engineer any change in your life so you enjoy yourself more, just know that you've clearly demonstrated a strength of character that most would not be able to you can do anything you want!

HonestlyTrying

Congratulations on 10 months! You are still learning to deal with life on life's terms. I have a hard time with this, too. I have to look at things I am grateful for and not the things that bother and irritate me.
I have such clear visions of how I "see" my life, and reality is so different. I have visions of a clean and orderly house. Not there in real life. I have visions of a loving family of origin, definitely that is not reality. I have visions of being slim and gorgeous, and looking in the mirror of reality dashes that all to hell!
I feel sometimes like I deserve my "fantasy life" and yes, there is a crushing disappointment that it is not to be. I get caught up in feeling sorry for myself and that gets me NOWHERE. Ugh. I have to keep my thoughts on the things in my life I am grateful for. When I don't do that, I feel just miserable.

sicknote

Really great post. Thanks for sharing. So really great to read the feedback too, really helped me to read everyone's responses as I've kinda been looking for stuff to make me feel better. Without booze to numb out the feelings we're suddenly left with ourselves.

I think this is where the serenity prey comes in really handy. Remembering to accept life on life's terms but we can also work on changes that can be made like new hobbies or interests or therapy.

Congrats on 10 months! Fantastic! Hope you get on ok

Sicknote

bowder68

Toomuch I hear you. I'm 86 days in and I'm feeling very similar. Intellectually I think I know what is happening but that doesn't ease the boredom and the feeling of disappointment. I often feel I have nothing to look forward to and I am also married with a good job and kids! I think we just have to keep plugging away.