Struggling right now
 

Well been in AA off and on for 2 years. About 4/5 days sober and been throwing up all morning, shakey as and generally feeling horrible about myself.

Got heaps of support at AA and done two rehabs this year. Act like a complete nob when i drink now (did before but different).

Actually feel like utter **** emotionally. longest i've made in 2 years is 73 days. The guilt and wreckage i've left drunk weighs heavily on me at this stage always. I'm non-violent but omg do i pick up the phone and abuse EVERYONE for my disease. Embassies, Police, Churches, Family, Friends, past-employers - you name it.

I'm not about to bust but i feel soooo terrible about my life. Got to get over this pity. Sure in a few weeks will not know about the future but know i'll know it will be ok as i get more spiritually connected again.

Getting to the point where i can't keep putting people (including AA members) through my failing recovery. What a nightmare :(

You can do this! We all fail a few times before we make it, never giving up is key. My guilt kept me in the bottle and was the harder than the withdrawls. Even months after I got sober the guilt kept me down. "Yesterday is over everyone kept telling me, move on".... Well 8 months later I finally have started to let it go and everyday seems to get a little easier. Keep your chin up

Thanks Tom, thank you very much.

Sure will pass and the hope will come back in a matter of weeks! :tyou

Don't give up shakey ,
it's a broad and ....long... highway , keep your eyes on the goal , you've got plenty of life left in you yet and none of us can divine the future .

Get back to what works for you :You_Rock_

Bestwishes, m

Bitshakey,
Don't ever feel bad that you're putting other aa members through your relapses. This is what the program and aa are all about. It's about unconditional love and support. Purge your emotions, cry, get a sponsor. Love yourself back to health. God bless you darl

Welcome Bitshakey2day, i'm sure aa members would want you to reach out when you are struggling and would want to help. SR is a wonderful place for support. Glad you have joined us. Best wishes to you.

Actually the only one being put thru your failing recovery is you. We care and want to see you succeed and will support you.
I for one have been thru this and want to see you recover, but if you run off the broad highway into the ditch I won't follow. I will be there when you reach out for help!

Thank so much EVERYONE. I simply couldn't leave the house today which is rare indeed.

You know it is truly extraordinary not how i first went to AA (to appease a GF) but how I made it back - think there's something positive for all so will share with you guys.

About 3 years ago my girlfriend of many years told me I was going to one meeting and even agreed with my rants of not being alcoholic. I met someone who grabbed my phone and placed his number. I thought he was so different from me, get away.

Fast forward 6-12 months. House destroyed. Cops interviewing neighbours. Girl gone. Job gone. Horror and I didn't move or eat for a long time.

First time since school I got to my knees and begged for a sign to God. What do I do next? Help me??!!

10mins after my prayer I put the last movie on i had downloaded by error. An actor in that movie was a splitting image of this guy from AA. He'd said anytime a coffee and a chat was there for me. I decided to go find him to tell him he had a look-alike on some low budget film.

He said that's no look-alike it was him. What would the odds be on that!

My therapist always tells me "there are no coincidences, it was all part of the plan".

I usually feel at my worst (depression-wise) at about 4 days, it's gets better in a day or 2 so don't give up. Try not to dwell too much on the wreckage drinking has caused. It's hard, I know, but it does way more harm than good at this stage. There's time for that later.

Just focus on staying sober, knowing that you will feel much better in a few days' time

So true about the guilt thing. If you had a heart attack you wouldn't feel guilty, so why should anyone feel guilty about being alcohol dependent when it's an illness? xx

Dropped a mate off at a cop shop at North Sydney about 15 years ago to admit a crime, the next day he had jumped off the harbour bridge beaten to ****. Now that's something i've reconciled but i've fought these monsters and lost. Only last week they nearly shot me dead for calling lifeline expressing emotions i felt years ago.

Every meeting at my homegroup i can see where he jumped at the exact spot on our famous Harbour Bridge.

I hear you though. this and about a billion things are going to kill me and wont help change this world that was at very least bombarded with comets carrying water, not by sheer coincidence surely?

Went to war with NSW Police and lost. Well some of the cops wives were worth the trouble, most were rubbish but.

*edit* I didn't wage war, rather drunken abuse. Gutless GUTLESS bastards this group of toy soldiers are - always shooting dead people seriously mentally ill and only bashing drunks and children. Amazing they searched my place last week for a "firearm" when I had 20 in a confined unit and I'm a chemistry minor. Just sayin'.

Now i'm on a role. Two cops from Chatswood about 4 years ago without uniform dragged me into my backyard and held a gun to my head in the rain asking if i wanted to continue my complaint with an MP my family knew.

Last laughs still out but if you see my criminal record it's all "threatening police" "Harassing Police" "abusing police".

They even told to my knowledge the only free hitman in our area that i was providing evidence to them. They've phone my employers and threatened them if I continue working for them. They phoned my insurance company which cost me $30k when i had money. Think i'd better calm down pretty quickly.

The most serious stuff i can't talk about.

I'm curious to know their level of monitoring over a TOR network so excuse my rant.

Start off by staying sober today. Then do the same tomorrow, then the other day. What I mean is, take it one day at a time... Landmarks are nice and all that, but in the bigger scheme of things, the landmark you are trying to achieve is forever... I remember how I beat up myself after binges... Somehow u have to find the will to move on. Treat each sober morning as a new beginning, and more distance from the events of the past..

The state you are in now is not exclusive to you... All of us here were like that. All of us here will be like that if we go back to consuming... In other words, you're a normal alcoholic... Use your energy to do the work needed on self instead.. Best of luck..

Thank you. Sorry for my crap. While it's true I know we all have crap just as serious. Sometimes i just boil at the injustice but guess it's nothing compared with history or even other countries today. I apologise. I have mostly let go of this poison.

"Save dozens against your own, you'll get nothing. Save one of your own, they'll have a parade, medals, pension", Me.

No, this IS the forum to vent... No need to apologize for anything. Just being here alone shows you have some resolve... I am sure you sought out this forum like most of us did. The reason you did that is because you are seeking help and comfort... You have summed up the situation and started acting on it... You made that step buddy... And your are to be commended for that... Vent away!!! :)

You are a human being trying to find your way. You keep trying and THAT is commendable not something to be shamed for. All of us fighting addiction understand how prone to relapse we all are. Most of us have all done it...time and time again. You are among friends. I know you are discouraged with yourself but you are up and fighting again. Be glad of that. Sometimes is takes a herculean effort to stand up and fight again. This is a hard and continuous battle with many, many casualties.

You're here. Hallelujah :c011:

Think i'm done.

Just want this ego to vanquish - still believe i'm going to be a force sober for good but a force non the less. It's this arrogance and i'm better, smarter (proof i have of that) and luckier....all that crap that distances me :headbange

Well, I'm not giving up. I'm just not going to lye down and die!

Getting very tired. F A R K where are these Giant Angels who guarded me before? HELLO GUYS WTF. You came through the walls at 10Ft when i was a baby, where are you???????

Saddest F' I NG thing i've ever experienced thinking leaving it all is best for all who love me. I HATE THAT SO MUCH !!!!!!! ARRGGGHHH!!! Because I know what that feels like and it eats you alive.

just read that again. Gold right now brother

wouldn't let me put the song i want - pls listen to "Dire Straights - Brothers in arms" for me

Had some serious threats in my life and loved every second but i'm scared to pieces here