Lying, and twitching and fears good bye...
 

Here's the lie that I was living thinking it was somehow constituting "recovery".

For the last 3 or so months, I was under the false impression that I was in sobriety mode. And, for the most part, I was sober. A few threads ago, I was pontificating regarding all the physical maladies that had been remedied in sobriety. That I had blah blah days sober, but that they weren't CONTINUOUS.

Newsflash (moron me) if they arent continuous, guess what , you are NOT sober.

I had slipped (HA) four, count em babies, FOUR times in those 16 weeks.

And I was all "wearing the Sobriety Sash and practicing my pageant wave" like I had accomplished something.

Well I wasn't sauced EVERY night is that must mean I got it all figured out. (BIGGER HA).

Since I had it figured it all out, it must be ok for me to have "just a glass" for my anniversary.

It almost killed me.

Straight up. That single glass, turned into a few bottles, and after the smoke cleared, for the first time in 20 plus years of binge drinking a few nights a week only, I was flirting with the idea of around the clock drinking.

And for a few split seconds, it not only appealed to me, it seemed like good idea.

The intensity of the craving was so beyond my control, so beyond anything I have ever known, I was like a zombie following its lead wherever it wanted to take me.

I quit, it wins, I'm done fighting. Game over.

This one had me but good. The noose had been put in place and I was willing to do whatever it wanted me to do. I have always considered myself to be a relatively tough broad but no more.

I don't know how I've managed it, but I got out of the shackles. Again. And have 8 days clean, again.

Continuous.

It can't have me.

Yet.

I'm glad you're not giving up.

Concrats on the week.

I have tried to moderate often in the past, this is my first time I have said stop this nonse for good. I think it is easier, just be over with it and not use all that energy on this useless alcohol.

You can be a tough broad anyhow :)

Congratulations! I'm not sure if we get stronger or closer to sobriety each time we try, but I have to believe that it is true. I'm not giving up.

Hey Alpha.

Great narrative.

Nothing bad ever comes from coming clean. Recovery is only painful when you're doing it well, and the road to hell is paved with bad excuses.

It's like that Kubler-Ross thing with the stages of grief. We all make the mistake of bargaining with our drinking...until it takes complete control of our assets.

Sobriety is the time when we start paying back everything that we borrowed from our future.

Keep on doing what you're doing.

Glad you are getting your arse back into gear mate!

Welcome back!

Hey alphaomega! Glad to read your story. I was in a similar boat. I had a couple slip ups over the past couple months, all the while I was putting in a half-hearted attempt at recovery. Well, this last relapse really scared me. I'm not giving up this fight, and I am going to increase my efforts at recovery tenfold.

You have 8 days Alpha, that's good. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, the thing that has finally kept me sober for the last 78 days was finally admitting--no really feeling--deep down to my very core that I was an alcoholic and that I could never drink again.

I also finally removed any lingering thoughts that I could someday drink with control. You may want to look back and see if you let those "lingering notions" get the best of you.

Even if you're not in AA, I suggest reading Chapter 3 of the Big Book, More about Alcoholism. And really reflect on what's written there. One doesn't have to be a 12-stepper to benefit from the information in that chapter.

Whatever you do, don't give up. You don't have to live a lie, you can make continious sobriety your reality.

Big Book On Line - Table of Contents

Congrats! So glad you're back. :)

Congrats on 8 days. Glad you are here and trying again. Best wishes.

Congratulations on a week :nyc
It is great that you were honest with us but more importantly, it is awesome that you got honest with yourself.
You can do it.

This is true, believe it. At least it's been my experience. Sobriety takes practice (not for all but definitely for some). I think we toy with the idea and think how nice it would be if we could get sober. You really have to have had it with it all to come to the decision. People ask what my rock bottom was and I had far worse experiences than what had happened the night before I decided to quit for the final time.

I was seriously finally sick of myself and what I had become, once and for all.

Hey Alpha,
I think you had mentioned in one of your earlier posts about the four slips in the 16 weeks--and I didn't comment because frankly I thought you must be one tough lady :-).
I'm sure I couldn't get away with it and not fall back into my old patterns.

So a big congrats for getting back with it! Try just a little bit harder to quit tempting fate

Lying implies to me that we purposefully deceive. I don't think we lie so much as deny.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not a liar. You just weren't ready for the truth. Nothing wrong with that. But you're finding your way closer to it.

Hi Alpha;
Sounds to me like you have found the resolve. There is tremendous peace in letting go of resistance and allowing the thought that you don't choose to drink again become a real thing. Scary but very good.

We were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanagable.

When I believed this at the core of my being I had completed step 1 of alcoholics anonymous. From this point forward things started to get better.

In sobriety you will find a new freedom and happiness. You never have to drink again.

I have a friend who is fond of saying "If you ever get hit by a train, it won't be the caboose that kills you."

Stay away from the first drink, and everything else will sort itself out.

Congratulations on 8 big days! You are definitely still a tough broad. I know I am still a tough broad, I'm just a powerless tough broad. :)

(Sigh) Alpha. I know that crafty, witty, articulate bright and shiny brain of yours makes you its drunken biotch time and time again. Drinking just ain't negotiable whatsoever. Not for any reason or justification or sexy, romantic mental rendezvous you conjure up for it. You're too smart to let it keep outsmartin' you : ) Hear me?