Mizzuno

Ive been here before. My brain starts to dream of the time when it is appropriate to drink. "Mizzuno, when you finish a Marathon you can drink." "When you finish your degree, you can drink." "When you make something fabulous of yourself, you can then drink."
"When you have reached any large milestone, YOU CAN DRINK!"

The 2 loaves of Pumpkin bread does not soothe. The full-time school and job does not soothe. The thoughts of the future drink does not soothe. However, I know that whatever I tell myself, this story that is being told is helping me to make it through another day.

I have no desire to pick up and drink because I know that I will only be in serious trouble. I know I am in a "growing pains" kind of phase. Sobriety is not all Care Bears and My little Pony's. At times I feel a separation between me and the world. At times? No, I have always felt a separation. I like to think that I am a Visitor on Earth. This is partly because I feel slightly off, and also I have a feeling of not belonging anywhere. I have displayed a deep desire to sabotage my life through the use of Alcohol, and others who are not alcoholic by nature can take the substance or leave it. This is the difference between me and the world of "normal." I have chosen to walk away from the "deep desire," and to work towards a freedom that I have never experienced. For the first time in my life since I was a child, I am not in emotional pain. I am making grades in College that I did not think possible. I have a stability, that of which was a monumental task to acquire. Yet, there is the voice.

The destructive voice does not have power. I knew I would hear this eventually, and I am prepared to listen without taking any action. What else would I do? I have to acknowledge and then keep walking forward. This voice is a part of me, but taking action would be the difference between a life of freedom and a death that I am not prepared to meet.

I like to picture the voice as David Bowie's character in Labyrinth. I then get to say to him; "You have no Power over me!"



David Bowie.jpg

Citrus

Great post Mizzouno! Alcohol shall have no power over me today!!

kadidee

I so relate to your post, Mizzuno. I tell myself the same things to get through the day when I'm craving about "when this or that event happens, I can drink, because THEN I'll be stable with all of my ducks in a row and I'll be able to handle it."

Of course, I know that drinking would throw any stability I gain out the window, but at this early stage, putting off drinking 'until' gets me further along the sobriety path.

hayley86

Thanks for the post Mizzuno. I always find what you have to say interesting.

ejackson

My AV was loud last night, and I finally had to tell it to shut up. :-)

I enjoyed your post! I finally see my desire to drink as self-sabotage, too. Thank you.

mecanix

It only has the power you give it .
For me never is a powerful word and i only use it sparingly , i will never drink again , if my legs are on fire ? nope , if my hand is crushed ? nope , if i have a terminal illness ? nope ..
the "what if game" is done and dusted ..

Stay strong Mizz , alcohol only takes us backwards , onwards with life is the only way .

Bestwishes, m

MythOfSisyphus

Well said, Mizz. There's no normal life, only life and what we make of it. Blank pages stretch out before us ready to be filled in with...what? That's what you must decide every day. I want to write the remaining pages sober.