After 7 yrs sober, 5 yrs a drunk
 

I was in AA for 7 years during the majority of my 20s. I built friendships, fell in love, finished college, got into grad school, started a career and was the healthiest I'd ever been. Five years ago, I started drinking again, not too heavily at first. But I know now, as I knew when I was sober, that I can't control alcohol. I want desperately to stop; every night is a losing battle. I drink up to 12 beers and sleep fitfully, waking up soaked in sweat. I've gained 40 pounds over the past two years and have lost the close relationships that once sustained me. My work life is precarious.

That was a lot of whining. Now I want to take action. I am committing to going to an AA meeting this Friday night, and making a re-commitment to a life of abstinence. I will rely on AA, even though part of me resents the cultish aspects of the groups.

If there's any advice you can offer, please do so. I'm ready to listen. I need your help.

Any chance you can go to a meeting this evening or possibly tomorrow? Even if it's just for a listen....I imagine you'll feel right at home in no time as you were attending previously. Stay strong.

I agree. The sooner the better. Welcome!

Good luck Want.

No advice really except that although AA does have cultish aspects I would imagine in the SF area agnostic and other 'flavours' are available. Here in the UK religion is not a major part of many - possibly the majority of groups and in many the 'spiritual' aspects are played down - given we are pretty secular as a nation.

It is early days for me, but I am learning something else from AA. To keep it simple. Some of their slogans are based on the experience of millions and some of them really mean a lot more than they might appear to on the surface. But you already know that.

All the best. You can do it!

Welcome Wanttoreturn. You found a great place - you're not alone.

I did a similar thing. I was sober for 3 yrs. I decided to have 'a glass' of wine - vowing that's all it was going to be. It was ok at first, but soon I was back in the old tailspin - and this time it took me down hard. 7 years later my life was in tatters. That's when I found SR. So I can never consider taking a sip. I probably wouldn't make it back again. You sound ready to do this - and we're here to help. Happy to meet you.

Thanks for the responses
 

Seriously thanks so much to all who have written in response to my first post. I wanted to wait until Friday to go to my first meeting again and start sobering up because I have to work tomorrow and Friday, and the past few times I've quit for a day or two I've been a mess--sleepless, sweaty, hard to concentrate.

I don't want to sound like I'm in denial. I really want this. I want abstinence. I want a community and to feel like I can live my life without the burdens of deceit and anxiety.

glad you are here.

i can only offer encouragement in the fact that you've made it 7!!!! years sober. just imagine how miserable your life would be if you were drinking for 12 years instead of 5?
would you be able to accomplish all you have done so far?

now, it's time to put another 7 years in your sobriety box. if you are not yet ready for AA, read up on AVRT this is something you can start practicing today on your own. many people here have had success with this method.

start a new and healthy lifestyle in addition to practicing abstinence. shed those lbs off, become your old, happy self. not all is lost. you've done it before and you can do it again.

exercise, good nutrition and perhaps some group activity such as boxing, yoga or training for a half-marathon will give you a new meaning and less "cultish" groups support.

welcome to SR family. please continue to post and share. we can all learn a lot from you and you'll find lots of great advice and support here.

p.s. not to sound negative, but let this be a reminder to all of us (including myself) that moderation will not work, even after so many years of sobriety.

I do feel like the religious aspects of AA are more prominent in American meetings. 'By the grace of god we lost the desire to drink' is hard for me to swallow for some reason, and there's so many other religious-seeming statements in AA that I just cringe. At the same time, I think the community of AA is really what keeps people sober and I don't want to miss out on that.

Thanks Serious. I know that if I could do this once before I can do it again. I'm scared about taking this plunge, about admitting defeat and that I'd made a mistake by trying to drink moderately.

At the same time, I want this damn monkey off my back. I'm tired of lying, to myself and others. Your point is dead on--let me be an example to those that have found themselves in AA before. Trying to moderate is a fool's game. It may work for a short while, but soon enough you'll be back to your old habits. I've lied to myself about this for too long. I'm a damn drunk, and the only solution that will work for me is complete abstinence.

Welcome to SR.

AA will work for you again as it did before.

Look forward to hearing how your meeting goes.

Thanks Heath. Really looking forward to feeling hope again.

I haven't found a higher power in AA either. I've been there for 6 weeks - for now I stay away from drinking because when I think back on my drinking days - I was so sick and f*cking tired of feeling like crap, covering for myself at work, gaining weight, acting like an idiot when drinking, feeling like crap all the time, hungover, causing drama, decreased work productivity, worrying about losing my job, starting fights with my boyfriend, spending money on alcohol - geesh this is getting long.
Now all of that is gone. I can drink anytime I want - I just can't drink moderately or safely, so I have to refuse it. In the meantime I am burning up my coffee maker because I always want a "special drink" - and it's a decent substitute (I had to buy supplemental decaf). I also took up light smoking again (I know not a good habit) but you don't hear anyone getting arrested for driving while smoking.

Best of luck to you for giving up the high cost of low living.

Thanks Jaylaa! Your list is incredibly familiar to my experience. I like that saying--'giving up the high cost of low living.'

Welcome back. I too have some issues with AA but I take what I need and leave what I don't. I'm also honest at meetings about my agnosticism and belief that this is a physical, not spiritual, ailment. The majority of members accept me for who I am. I'm ok with those who don't too. I was like that once.

Wanttoreturn, I'm glad that you DID return! You recognize that you need this. You've come to a great place with amazing people and great support. I couldn't have done it without them.

So happy that you're here!

You pretty much told my story except for our age difference (I'm 52 now). I was sober for 7 years but I stopped going to AA after 4-5 years. I didn't have a sponsor and wouldn't work the steps and I drifted away from the fellowship. Eventually I drank again and I stayed out there for 8 years. When I came crawling back this time I was in pretty bad shape. I got a sponsor within a couple of weeks and he guided me through the steps within a few months. I will be 6 months sober in about 3 hours. :)

Go back to AA, get a sponsor and work the steps...without delay. If I knew then what I know now I never would have put off doing them as they have changed my life. Don't worry about the religious aspect. All you have to do to work the steps is to be willing to do them. Part of why I didn't work them before was for the same reasons as you, but alcohol finally beat me down to the point that I was WILLING to go to any length to get and stay sober. That included being willing to do the steps.

Hi Wanttoreturn! Welcome! I am excited for you!

In the AA meetings I go to the general theme is "take what you need and leave the rest." I am a religious person, so the spiritual aspect doesn't bother me, although there are other aspects I'm not entirely comfortable with. But for me, the fellowship is very helpful.

'Guess I'll chime in here, too; you're not alone. I got sober at 22 and was sober 12 years in AA, moved to a new state and just didn't get back to AA meetings, and went on to other things/therapies. I lasted 2 more years then drank. I was going to do the 'drink test' to see if I really had the physical component (you see, the mental component, the obsession, was already in play, so I had to figure a way to make it okay to drink - tricky, eh? ;) ). Well, incredibly, I somehow forgot I was doing the drink test and was out drinking 13 years, and added opiate addiction, to boot.

I'm now 49 and just past 2 months sober/clean now, myself.

If you can afford it, you might check out The Big Book Comes Alive with Joe McQ and Charlie P. I listen to these tapes while working out and really go far in making the power of the Big Book and the steps....well, come alive, and with a lot of humor, too.

You can do this and AA can and does work for agnostics like you, me, and thousands of others. "To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face....But cheer up, something like half of us thought we were atheists or agnostics. Our experience shows you need not be disconcerted." (emphasis mine).

Welcome to SR, and back to sobriety.

Welcome to SR! I'm a non-theist AVRT guy but whatever helps get you sober is fine in my book. I've been sober for just over a year now and have no desire to go back to the way things were before.:c011:

Welcome to SR! I hope that this forum can give you the support that you need to get sober again. You did it before and I have no doubts that you can do this again. :)

Well roll on the weekend. Get yourself an armfull of books DVD's the drink of choice, I found expensive apple juice almost as costly as drink but it worked and I think I needed the sugar. Nowadays it's tonic water!
I found going to bed early to read so I dropped of to sleep eventually , I never slept well so it was in many ways easier and more restful, although dropping of just as the alarm goes is never happy!
Get some days in and keep on here, it's an amazing help.
John.

I appreciate everyones feedback really has given me a insight.

One last question, what do you think the chances are of me developing a poor liver from 2 years of drinking 30-50cl of vodka mixed with soda once a week?

Either way i have decided im just going to stop. The last time i had a drink was last friday (6 days ago) my plan was to have a drink tomorrow but im giving the bottle away to a friend and am just going to stop. Don't want to develop any serious problems

Going to get back to my workout diet and hit the gym 3 times a week.

Im actually angry now what ive been putting my body through and thought it was normal to drink that amount

This may be true in your experience. But it also may be true that relying on the community of the AA fellowship instead of on the 12 Step program of recovery is leaving you short-changed on permanent, solid sobriety.

I've been an active AA member for many years, and I've seen many hundreds (if not thousands) of people come and go that relied on the 'sober support group' aspect of AA. Lasting, solid sobriety came when I set aside my judgements and preconceptions and disagreements with AA (and coming in as a staunch atheist, my disagreements ran deep), and just did the 12 Steps as they were outlined in the BB. It's that, 'rarely have we seen a person fail' part. But that part required thoroughly following the path laid out in that book.