Nuudawn

Near the end of my drinking, I had started to suspect I simply didn’t know how to live my life. If I removed alcohol, who would I be and what would I do? In sobriety I am learning that is indeed the case. Sobriety, like maturity (perhaps they are one in the same somehow) is found in facing who you are. Some days that is very difficult business. After a quarter-century alcohol induced coma, there are moments where I simply don’t know where to start. I get angry sometimes that I am finally facing life at middle age. Some days I look around and realize that alcohol is not the only way folks arrest their own development. I witnessed a 70 year old man having a temper tantrum earlier this month simply because people weren’t acting the way he figured they should. He could not fathom that people make mistakes. People resist what simply is everyday and suffer because of it.

Everyday we hear people grumbling and moaning about the state of their lives. It’s tiring. I feel like the whole word is fighting for certainty and control where there simply isn’t any. Everybody is full of should’s, suggestions, judgements and criticisms. They are in my own head and in the messages I hear everywhere.

I can’t keep up with the Joneses. I can’t fight the ever increasing wrinkles on my face. I can’t afford the newest IPhone. I don’t understand hashtags or Instagram. I don’t know if I can give up gluten or sugar and prevent early onset Alzheimer’s.

I spent my whole life trying to be loved, admired and accepted by adhering to the messages coming out of the media altar I apparently prayed to. It annoys me. I lived my life wrong and I didn’t have a clue.

Lately, I don’t like what I am looking at in sobriety. Perhaps I need to learn how to make my own soap and sell jam from organic fruit with snappy adages on the label from some roadside stand on the Alaska highway.

I think I want to be Amish.

DoubleDragons

From what I see around me, if you start looking at your life honestly and openly by middle-age, you are ahead of the game. I think many people live many lives and die many lives before opening up to the truth. I think you are right where you are supposed to be, NuDawn.

dwtbd

lol
At times I tend to waffle between wanting to be a buggy driver or Joel Osteen and I'm atheist

Amajorityofone

"It is not what you look at that matters, it is what you see."

-Henry David Thoreau.

LadyBlue0527

I always love your posts.

The ever present question when we're younger is:

"What do I want to be when I grow up?"

Now, due to the fact that we delayed that process with our indulging now it's:

"Now that I've finally grown up I don't know who the heck I should be or want to be!!!!!!!!"


I'll put in a pre order for those preserves!

Nuudawn

Okay...I don't like what I see Majority, hence I think I might prefer the scenery in Amish country.

It's all tongue and cheek whine. Evidently I did not spring out of bed this morning on the right side of the bed. (shrugs) It happens.

Olive1

I had to reduce and simplify my lifestyle when I stopped drinking…….I needed to just exist for a while and move through life with only the basics.
After a couple of years, I found this lifestyle to be very rewarding. The folks who count other peoples money, the Judgy McJudgersons, the people who complain about their first world problems, they exhaust me. And while it takes all kinds to make up this world, I prefer to do my work with a smile and take the dog for a long walk.
I would go Amish with you, but I really like my satellite tv.

Coldfusion

I think we are products of our environment to a large degree. So, yes, selling jam along the Alaska Highway would be nice, but it is not economically viable. I have just been forced to take a very menial job, and it has taught me a lot of humility.

In my drinking days, I used to view many in the world as "unconscious." What I joke! I spent at least a quarter of every day blacked-out. And I still see some people as being clueless, but I do not judge them negatively. I'm just glad if they are not hurting anyone.

Full moon is coming up, and this seems to be a tense time of the year in terms of space weather. Don't underestimate the power of our environment to control us!

Nuudawn

Hey,hey...You haven't tasted my jam CF!

(kidding...I haven't made jam in my entire life cuz I have been too busy looking for cute shoes whilst trying to appear sophisticated falling off my barstool : )

jkb

I completely get it. Since becoming sober I have been studying Buddhism and often consider giving it all up and opening a hot dog stand on the beach somewhere. Not sure if its sobriety or a mid life crisis....

Jess

Nuudawn

Exactly Jess. It's like I want off the capitalist/consumer merry-go-round. Since I can't fall off the face of the earth, I somehow have to grow some emotional boundaries and march to the beat of my own drum. Nice to know there are others who will join the band though : )

alphaomega

Nuu - there is too much I adore and relate to in your words that I can't quote them all...

Ill just say this, I wish to God there were more people like you, fearless in their exploration of this existence.

I know, I know, you don't feel fearless, but trust me friend, you are abominable in your strength. Our vulnerability is our most beautiful asset that no fancy car or latest shoe can cover.

And I'll just leave you with this my fellow partner in truth seeking...

Yes, ships are safe in the harbor. But that's not what ships are for...

XO AO

Nuudawn

I can't remember the last time I read a quote that touched me as much as that one just did AO. Thank you...from the wild pinball that blusters around in my heart.

So glad to know you're in the band.

IOAA2

Hi. I at times use up a lot of energy for what might by many to be good things and am very slow to adjust that most people don't take to change easily and I get too flustered. Many times I need to repeat "Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." BE WELL

alphaomega

[QUOTE=Nuudawn;4241856

So glad to know you're in the band.[/QUOTE]



Feeling is SO mutual sister.

If its ok with the rest of you guys though, can I just play the cymbals for now ? I ain't feelin too strong.

Or the cowbell - maybe I just need to get a half shirt and let it alllllll hang out.

alphaomega

.

DoubleDragons

Hey, you always need more cowbell.

FourSeasons

Hi Nuudawn – I really do not have any pearls of wisdom for you. I am not poetic, reflective, nor able to eloquently put my thoughts into words. You, on the other hand, are extremely talented and I have found great strength and inspiration through your posts.

That said, it seems like you may have hit a slight bump in the sobriety road. I too am in my mid-late 40’s and have spent the past 25+ years under the influence. I have absolutely no idea who I am and what I want as I embark on my sober journey. The only thing I feel confident is that I like myself so much more and feel so much better while being sober. I already know what alcohol brings into my life. I have no idea as to what tomorrow will bring while being sober.

Quite frankly, I much prefer not knowing where sobriety will lead and being pleasantly surprised each day!!!

Stay strong, Nuudawn… This too shall pass…

RobbyRobot

Sobriety was never for me more important then life itself. Of course my being a recovered alcoholic means without sobriety I seriously don't have a life to live anyways - but nonetheless there is much more to life then what sobriety offers me and eventually keeping sober is its own reward and I stop using any measure of sobriety as defining the meaning of my life.

I keep sober now not because of what I was in days and years gone by already but because of what I am today and will be in my coming tomorrows

Tongue-in-cheek, as you also made mention of Nuudawn, is a great attitude to have and keep. When I take stock of where I was and where I am I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. Gratitude for what was lost and what has been found is a wonderfully unending experience that simply has no bottom

People are people goes without saying I suppose.

Nuudawn

Wholeheartedly agreed Fourseasons! And thank you for your kind words. Although I have no desire to leave this new life in sobriety, I feel like I have run smack dab into perhaps all that I was indeed afraid of in sobriety...well, that is not true.

I guess ...what I just realized...thanks to you...is I am smack dab in the middle of thinking...the fearful type of thinking that dwelled in long enough leads straight to the drink. I am not only sitting in judgement of the world at large...but mostly...myself. Egad.

I seem constantly guilty of wanting to rush recovery. I want to be all better NOW. I'm only 4.5 months in...good gracious holy roller...why the eff do I think everything should be fruitful and fabulous and all I gotta do is sit back and collect the harvest of my....wait for the drum roll now...

WHOPPING WHOLE 4 MONTHS!! Hee haw...thanks for the wake up call in your sage words FS. Allow me to sit back and laugh at my own foolishness for just a wee moment.

And DD...more cowbell?