Notices

need advice

Old 10-16-2013, 02:09 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Baltimore, Md
Posts: 2
need advice

Hi, this is my first post. I am with a guy who has had addictions his whole life. When I met him he told me he was recovering from painkillers, and speed, living with his parents to recover. He didn't do those things around me (said he quit) but did smoke pot. It didn't bother me so much because I didn't think it was addictive. His whole family has addiction issues. His father is on methadone and is a senior. His brother the worst dysfunctional alcoholic I've ever met. His brother lived with us because he couldn't take care of himself. I thought my boyfriend smoking weed wasn't as bad as the hard drugs or alcohol. He was the smartest person I had ever met and I enjoyed talking to him. We were both teachers and had lots in common. So I put up with the weed though it was expensive. I broke up with him shortly after we first dated because I thought he wasn't taking care of himself and ate poorly/was overweight. I thought he would get cancer or die early and I didn't want to be a widow. I was very happy to break up with him, feeling like I didn't have to worry about someone who didn't know about taking care of himself. But I stayed friends with him and we got back together because I realized you don't break up with someone just because you think they will die early. It was then I found out he became addicted to opium when we separated and it might have been my fault for leaving him. He became mean to me, he wasn't like the person I met. when he wasn't sleeping he was mean. I took it because I thought it was the drugs and my fault. I and his mom got him to quit opium by keeping him away from sources and I took him to the mountains after convincing him he needs to quit and he slowly weened himself off it. He was successful but he still did weed. He still was a bit abusive to me. I contemplated leaving him again because he was still mean to me even after he quit. But then I got pregnant. I was horrified that I got pregnant with him. He told me he wasn't able to conceive because while we were broken up he got testicular cancer stage 4 and got cured through the highest level of chemo and surgery. Our son was a miracle and beautiful. I made an excuse for us to leave our town of contacts and move across the country. He stopped weed and everything. Our life was on track. I've been a stay at home mom but he had trouble keeping his teaching jobs and then his brother died of an overdose. He was 29. His drinking led to heroin/methadone. The two brothers were very close. This was last Christmas. Now my boyfriend is drinking. His current teaching position tests for drugs so he doesn't do any of that. We have a 3 year old beautiful boy and he is wonderful but his father is missing it all because he's too consumed with his own problems. He hides his drinking. He gets a gigantic can everyday its like three beers and guzzles it and that's all I know of. I asked him to stop and he said he did but lately he's been slurring his speech and sleeping a lot again. I don't know why because I don't see him drinking. But yesterday we all went to take my son to the library. He said he was getting something in the car and when I found out the library was close my son and I went back to the car and found him guzzling a big can and looking around to see if I was coming. He was being so sneaky. Everyday he insists on running all the errands and me not coming with. I now know why. When he comes home he just wants to cook and be away from us/go to his room and sleep. He takes our son with him for the errands too and it breaks my heart to now realize he's been drinking in front of our son and driving. I just want to know. Is three beers a day everyday an alcohol problem? I can't believe he would do this after successfully recovering from such hard addictions. We have a beautiful boy and I am having the time of my life with this precious baby. I just wanted him to know his Dad but now I don't want my son to ever be around him. He has his addictive genes and if he grows up in chaos then he will become an addict too. Our son is sooooo precious to me.
clicketyclack is offline  
Old 10-16-2013, 02:20 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
MythOfSisyphus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,936
It's not so much the amount you drink as the effects it has on you. Welcome to SR!
MythOfSisyphus is offline  
Old 10-16-2013, 10:17 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Sober Alcoholic
 
awuh1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
First of all, it’s not your fault that he became addicted to opium during your separation. Period.
He is likely drinking and/or drugging far more than you know, so I would not let him take your son with him as he is driving while intoxicated. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

Go to the friends and family forum and read and post there (perhaps this post will be moved).

Go to an AL-Anon meeting! You need the support.

Wishing you all the best.
awuh1 is offline  
Old 10-16-2013, 11:25 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,673
to the family! I'd be worried sick if he were driving my son while drinking. I'd have to put a stop to that before something awful happened.

How much are you willing to tolerate of his behavior? Are you prepared to raise your child in a home with an alcoholic who does dangerous behaviors and lies about his problems?


Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
least is offline  
Old 10-16-2013, 02:13 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,478
I'd just like to second the advice to head over to the Family and Friends forum and read, read, read. Don't miss the stickied items at the top of the page.

I'm willing to bet you'll soon start to see things in a new light.

I'd also like to recommend you look into Alanon for some real-world support. I find that using Alanon and SR both, for the strengths of each, is a great combo for me.

Welcome to SR!
honeypig is offline  
Old 10-16-2013, 02:37 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Saskia's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,280
Welcome to SR! His addictions are NOT your fault! My ex smoked pot all day long and drank starting late afternoon and he was a mean sob. It was hurting my child more to stay around him than to kick him out. We can only take responsibility for our own actions.

Please don't let him drive your son since you know he drinks and drives!
Saskia is offline  
Old 10-16-2013, 05:56 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Baltimore, Md
Posts: 2
Thanks for the responses. I was so touched that I got so many responses so quickly. I will take this to friends and family. Well very early this morning ( I had been up all night not being able to sleep) I went downstairs to his room and it wreaked of alcohol breath from his sleep like his brothers old room did. It is so sad about his brother. The sense of smell does trigger memories. I told him I was up all night worried about him becoming an alcoholic. He didn't say anything. I just don't know what is going on with him and why he chose this path when we have so much in our son. I think his brother's death should have been a wake up call. I appreciate that I have been able to stay at home with our son for his first few years. I am sooo grateful for that. It is a true gift. I know he doesn't mean to hurt us. But he is always lying to me about something and hiding things and it is maddening. He never used to like to drink even with his brother around. He NEVER drank. I am just wondering if I can help him since it seems like a new problem. If I leave him I know he will just get worse. Then my son will have no father.
clicketyclack is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:09 AM.