RosieG

Hi, my dependence on alcohol if I was completely honest has been there for a long time. Up until a few years back it was kept at a fairly social level with probably a monthly weekend binge. Then one of my parents became very unwell and a number of other life events surrounding my work and living circumstances piled on top of me. I became extremely depressed and began drinking at an ever increasing level. A lot of it alone. My father died almost 2 years ago now and since then I have attempted to cope with and self medicate with ever increasing amounts of alcohol. I sought help for my depression about a year ago, but wasn't completely honest with anyone about the alcohol. I had a couple of counsellor sessions and then stopped going. My drinking became worse and I had to hide most of it from family and friends.
I was pretty much drunk all the time. Starting at about 7 in the morning. Somehow I managed to work every day...drinking there too...and keep up a pretty normal facade to the world. I guess I began to think it was just how my life was going to be from now on. I had several bad "mental' experiences when drunk and alone, with some self harm. I kept reading that alcohol and depression were a bad mix, but I just couldn't get myself out of the cycle. About a month ago I had a very scary panic attack after a particularly big solo drinking session. I thought I was dying and ended up ringing my husband to help me.
I knew I had to stop and admitting the extent of my drinking first to my husband then next to my GP was the hardest thing I've ever done. My GP gave me Valium to help with the withdrawal and I started seeing a psych to deal with the depression. No medication for that as yet.
It has been really hard to abstain from drinking, and the mornings are the worst. My anxiety and nervousness is almost unbearable and I feel raw and exposed after so long numbing my real feelings. I have no buffer any more and I don't like feeling that way. So after 28 days sober, I gave in and bought a bottle today.
I feel pretty bad now. Of course the numbing effect only lasted a short time. And I feel bad because I gave in and weakened. I wish I had found this site yesterday, because I really needed just to talk to someone and say this is what I'm about to do, tell me all the reasons I shouldn't do it.

So that's my story.

Rosie

MidnightBlue

Hi, Rosie.

Welcome to SR!

You still have 28 days of your sobriety - and now you have all the support and encouragement you can find on this site.

I used to drink to numb my feelings as well - but this way goes nowhere. There are better ways to do with feelings and issues.

Today is your Day 1, start of new life -sobriety is worth giving it a good serious try.

Join October class - there are a lot of people who are quitting their addiction this October.

Best wishes to you.

hayley86

Welcome Rosie, those 28 days are not lost. You can apply everything you learned during that time to your recovery now. This is a wonderful place for support, encouragement and understanding. Glad you have joined us.

wellvoice

Hi Rose. I hear your struggle and the pain underneath it. In spite of your setbacks, you haven't given up, and that shows how much you really want to be free of the cycle.

I am on day one as well. My past attempts at recovery failed - and then I hit crisis point. Too much is at stake and I need to do everything I can to stay away from drinking.
I found it helpful to draw up a comprehensive and honest list of the following: pros of drinking, cons of drinking, pros of not drinking, cons of not drinking. You can see it in my post titled "Building the motivation to abstain". After doing that, I didn't need anybody to give me any reasons for staying away from booze. I hope this helps.
Keep on trying!

pinkdog

Hi Rosie, welcome to SR. Alcohol is a depressant. Continue seeing a doctor for your depression, but I think alcohol adds to it. Also for me, alcohol increased my anxiety. I'm glad you found SR. Stick around. It's a great place.

Zencat

RosieG To SR

Nervous and agitation are emotions that can be managed in early recovery. You can learn more about it here at SR.

Here's a recovery tool that can be helpful;
Urge Surfing/What is Urge Surfing?

flutter

Glad you found us Welcome!

wakko

AA worked for me when all else falled + it is a great place to build a network of sober friends when times get tough

Croissant

Hi Rosie. Welcome and thank you for your open and honest post. I can see a lot of my own drinking habits in what you write, and you will find a lot of us here on the site were lone drinkers towards the end.

Having felt similar on many ways to yourself, I can attest that it can be done...now at day 82 here. There are bumps and challenges along the way, but you can find support and places to share them here.

I wish you all the best and hope you stick at things. It does get better and it becomes easier to work through what triggers your drinking once you are sober long enough to see the patterns.

Best wishes!

IOAA2

Hi Rosie and welcome to a site that can be very valuable if we use it. Your post shows me you have a lot of what's needed, honesty about your drinking. Alcoholism is an every day disease and the way to not affect us is simply not to drink. Simple but not always easy. My fight against it started at about the time the computer mouse was developed and the only show in town was AA which has helped millions get sober and has flesh meetings around the world. Keep sharing and keep coming. BE WELL

RosieG

Thanks everyone. It is so refreshing to share with people who have actually been there and understand the struggle. It's so easy for others to say well why don't you just stop drinking?. They just don't get it. Yes I guess today is day 1 again. A minor setback I suppose in the bigger picture.

Rosie