Fulfilling my potential....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: VG, BVI
Posts: 294
Fulfilling my potential....
Hello SR...
Don't know what happened tonight, but I digressed from watching old boxing clips to watching alcoholic stories on youtube. Got inspired to come back here to share what I've been experiencing for the past 49 weeks. My life has TOTALLY turned around since my last binge last December... I owe a great deal to you guys for the comfort, wise words, understanding and general support I received in the short time I posted... I do regret not being there for others in a similar way. But I really needed the time to fix self...
After returning from vacation last November, I embarked on a six week binge, drinking at levels I have never experienced before. Levels that would have surely killed another human being.. I was jumping from incident to incident. Digging a hole deeper and deeper... During this six week period, for the first time in my life I accepted the FACT that I was now a "bum" in the society. I was now a member of the subset of society that would be described as "junkies" in your culture... For the first time in my drinking career, I was drinking at home on mornings just not to have withdrawal symptoms.. I was on the verge of losing my clients because of absenteeism and constant intoxication.. In public, I would wear a shades and have my earphones blasting in an attempt to blank out society... I remember feeling really suspicious of anyone who spoke to me in a nice way, or anyone who offered to assist me in any way... My circle of friends decreased drastically. To be honest, I only felt comfortable talking to two individuals.. My family migrated to the UK three years prior (some say it was because of my drinking). So I was living alone, feeling alone, battling alone... I was alone!!! I remember sitting in a lounge one morning waiting on a ferry and watching people go about their daily drill. I longed to feel what they felt, I longed to have what they had, I longed to be them... I longed to be ME. NORMAL!!! I was living in a very dark place, and the only way out was suicide I thought... But I didn't have the guts, and I cared for those who loved me too much to end it all in a cowardly tantrum...
My last binge began on a Friday, after about seven days of sobriety... I just got a cheque from one of my clients, and I was feeling good about myself for being sober for a week... I was invited to a birthday party by the owner of a popular bar for whom I did a big favour couple days before.. The plan was to have a couple beers and move on... Ha!!! I woke up in shirtless in my jeep the next morning right opposite the bar, with no idea of how I reached there... Guess what happened after
For the next six days I spent about $1200.00 on drinks for friends and myself, a rental jeep, and lord knows what else. I never reported for any job that week...
The morning of day seven I woke up knowing that I had to go attack the bottle of rum in the kitchen before I started to feel the symptoms... I think it sank in that I drank for the entire week, didn't go to work, spent all my money, and made a total ass of myself AGAIN... So here came the tears, shame, guilt and self pity that is so well known in our realm... I knew I couldn't go get that drink. I knew the next couple days was going to be hell... I knew I could not go to work... I even knew that this was going to be the end of my drinking career of 21 years... Don't ask me how I knew the latter, but I did.. There and then I KNEW that I could not have ONE SIP of alcohol again... Wary of the impending horror I was about to experience, I called the counsellor I was seeing at the rehab center. I told him everything, and he decided to come for me... I then called both of my clients and finally came clean to them about my addiction. I told them where I was, begged their forgiveness, and asked one last favour. Which was to give me a couple days to get myself in order... If I was to mess up after this, I will humbly accept whatever decision they made... God bless their souls!!! Neither of them cancelled my contracts...
That evening they brought in a guy to talk to me. He was like the head of the local AA group. He spoke to me for an hour. During this time he was cracking jokes, making light fun of my feeble appearance, and gently introducing me to AA. He gave me material to read and invited me to meetings. Even on day one my life felt on the up. But physically I was about to enter the mother of withdrawals... Nightmare after nightmare, cold sweats, hallucinations, crying, shaking, palpitations and anxiety... You name it I get it... But I was in the right place, and they did what they could for me to be comfortable... That went on for two days and two nights... I couldn't eat solid food for about a week because my throat and stomach was blistered from the shots of brandy, vodka, rum and tequila I had during my "party"... I couldn't drink anything hot, or anything cold. Swallowing even water was painful... The only thing I attempted to eat was the noodle from noodle soup packets without the flavourings... This was my punishment, along with couple other scenarios I had to address...
Strangely, all through the hell of the first week, my spirits were up. I felt physically weak, but strangely upbeat and felt as I had now rid myself of a huge burden... I felt comfort because I was assured I wouldn't lose my jobs... I believe that was a huge deal for me... And played a massive part in me being able to concentrate on self... I immediately began attending meetings, sharing my innermost feelings and experiences, and listening to others.. I had made such a mess of my image and my reputation. I was on a mission to prove to others and myself that I was not that person they have been seeing for the last few years.. I knew my potential. More importantly, I realised that I had alot of work to do on myself to realise that potential... I am still working on me, I have sooooo much to learn, and reinvent. For those who are new to sobriety, my direct message to you is to accept the fact that YOU created the mess, and only YOU could fix that mess... I had to deal with emotions, thoughts and situations like I never had too before... And in a sober state too... In general, I had to learn to live again... IT GETS EASIER!!! As the days go, as the weeks and months go by, IT GETS EASIER!!! THERE IS HOPE!!! Just be honest to self, and be prepared to to the work....
I have received so many blessings since I made the decision to turn my life around. I have more work now with one particular client, I have gained clients... I moved to a very nice apartment. I bought a new car in July, I started repairs on my mother's house, I fixed my teeth, got me a new pair of spectacles, and starting studying again. I can see the pride in the faces of my family, all those who supported me, and those who never gave up on me... I can also see the embarrassment on the faces of those who wrote me off, those who ridiculed me, and those who put me down in the worst of ways.. Little do they know that I thank them soooo much. For they were played big part in my motivation to better self... Life is good on the silver lining, though never perfect...
Though the days of binges and withdrawals seem so far away, I acknowledge that I am still in the early stages of sobriety, for forever is a long long time... And that is a very humbling scenario... I have to remind myself that I am one sip away from reversing all the gains of the last 49 weeks... I have to live one day at a time and not look too far ahead. I pride myself in being a very intelligent and talented person, who is always motivated by challenge (I love to prove people wrong). Finally, and all thanks to God, whoever he is, whatever he is, finally, I have given myself a chance to realise my true potential. It is my hope and prayer that my little story inspire some soul out there... I try not to impress on anyone my method or methods for staying sober. Everyone have to find their own formula... But there are basic guidelines that one must adhere too... Have faith my friends, be strong, be patient, be honest.... Seek happiness, and be prepared to work for it...
Ovrock
Don't know what happened tonight, but I digressed from watching old boxing clips to watching alcoholic stories on youtube. Got inspired to come back here to share what I've been experiencing for the past 49 weeks. My life has TOTALLY turned around since my last binge last December... I owe a great deal to you guys for the comfort, wise words, understanding and general support I received in the short time I posted... I do regret not being there for others in a similar way. But I really needed the time to fix self...
After returning from vacation last November, I embarked on a six week binge, drinking at levels I have never experienced before. Levels that would have surely killed another human being.. I was jumping from incident to incident. Digging a hole deeper and deeper... During this six week period, for the first time in my life I accepted the FACT that I was now a "bum" in the society. I was now a member of the subset of society that would be described as "junkies" in your culture... For the first time in my drinking career, I was drinking at home on mornings just not to have withdrawal symptoms.. I was on the verge of losing my clients because of absenteeism and constant intoxication.. In public, I would wear a shades and have my earphones blasting in an attempt to blank out society... I remember feeling really suspicious of anyone who spoke to me in a nice way, or anyone who offered to assist me in any way... My circle of friends decreased drastically. To be honest, I only felt comfortable talking to two individuals.. My family migrated to the UK three years prior (some say it was because of my drinking). So I was living alone, feeling alone, battling alone... I was alone!!! I remember sitting in a lounge one morning waiting on a ferry and watching people go about their daily drill. I longed to feel what they felt, I longed to have what they had, I longed to be them... I longed to be ME. NORMAL!!! I was living in a very dark place, and the only way out was suicide I thought... But I didn't have the guts, and I cared for those who loved me too much to end it all in a cowardly tantrum...
My last binge began on a Friday, after about seven days of sobriety... I just got a cheque from one of my clients, and I was feeling good about myself for being sober for a week... I was invited to a birthday party by the owner of a popular bar for whom I did a big favour couple days before.. The plan was to have a couple beers and move on... Ha!!! I woke up in shirtless in my jeep the next morning right opposite the bar, with no idea of how I reached there... Guess what happened after
For the next six days I spent about $1200.00 on drinks for friends and myself, a rental jeep, and lord knows what else. I never reported for any job that week... The morning of day seven I woke up knowing that I had to go attack the bottle of rum in the kitchen before I started to feel the symptoms... I think it sank in that I drank for the entire week, didn't go to work, spent all my money, and made a total ass of myself AGAIN... So here came the tears, shame, guilt and self pity that is so well known in our realm... I knew I couldn't go get that drink. I knew the next couple days was going to be hell... I knew I could not go to work... I even knew that this was going to be the end of my drinking career of 21 years... Don't ask me how I knew the latter, but I did.. There and then I KNEW that I could not have ONE SIP of alcohol again... Wary of the impending horror I was about to experience, I called the counsellor I was seeing at the rehab center. I told him everything, and he decided to come for me... I then called both of my clients and finally came clean to them about my addiction. I told them where I was, begged their forgiveness, and asked one last favour. Which was to give me a couple days to get myself in order... If I was to mess up after this, I will humbly accept whatever decision they made... God bless their souls!!! Neither of them cancelled my contracts...
That evening they brought in a guy to talk to me. He was like the head of the local AA group. He spoke to me for an hour. During this time he was cracking jokes, making light fun of my feeble appearance, and gently introducing me to AA. He gave me material to read and invited me to meetings. Even on day one my life felt on the up. But physically I was about to enter the mother of withdrawals... Nightmare after nightmare, cold sweats, hallucinations, crying, shaking, palpitations and anxiety... You name it I get it... But I was in the right place, and they did what they could for me to be comfortable... That went on for two days and two nights... I couldn't eat solid food for about a week because my throat and stomach was blistered from the shots of brandy, vodka, rum and tequila I had during my "party"... I couldn't drink anything hot, or anything cold. Swallowing even water was painful... The only thing I attempted to eat was the noodle from noodle soup packets without the flavourings... This was my punishment, along with couple other scenarios I had to address...
Strangely, all through the hell of the first week, my spirits were up. I felt physically weak, but strangely upbeat and felt as I had now rid myself of a huge burden... I felt comfort because I was assured I wouldn't lose my jobs... I believe that was a huge deal for me... And played a massive part in me being able to concentrate on self... I immediately began attending meetings, sharing my innermost feelings and experiences, and listening to others.. I had made such a mess of my image and my reputation. I was on a mission to prove to others and myself that I was not that person they have been seeing for the last few years.. I knew my potential. More importantly, I realised that I had alot of work to do on myself to realise that potential... I am still working on me, I have sooooo much to learn, and reinvent. For those who are new to sobriety, my direct message to you is to accept the fact that YOU created the mess, and only YOU could fix that mess... I had to deal with emotions, thoughts and situations like I never had too before... And in a sober state too... In general, I had to learn to live again... IT GETS EASIER!!! As the days go, as the weeks and months go by, IT GETS EASIER!!! THERE IS HOPE!!! Just be honest to self, and be prepared to to the work....
I have received so many blessings since I made the decision to turn my life around. I have more work now with one particular client, I have gained clients... I moved to a very nice apartment. I bought a new car in July, I started repairs on my mother's house, I fixed my teeth, got me a new pair of spectacles, and starting studying again. I can see the pride in the faces of my family, all those who supported me, and those who never gave up on me... I can also see the embarrassment on the faces of those who wrote me off, those who ridiculed me, and those who put me down in the worst of ways.. Little do they know that I thank them soooo much. For they were played big part in my motivation to better self... Life is good on the silver lining, though never perfect...
Though the days of binges and withdrawals seem so far away, I acknowledge that I am still in the early stages of sobriety, for forever is a long long time... And that is a very humbling scenario... I have to remind myself that I am one sip away from reversing all the gains of the last 49 weeks... I have to live one day at a time and not look too far ahead. I pride myself in being a very intelligent and talented person, who is always motivated by challenge (I love to prove people wrong). Finally, and all thanks to God, whoever he is, whatever he is, finally, I have given myself a chance to realise my true potential. It is my hope and prayer that my little story inspire some soul out there... I try not to impress on anyone my method or methods for staying sober. Everyone have to find their own formula... But there are basic guidelines that one must adhere too... Have faith my friends, be strong, be patient, be honest.... Seek happiness, and be prepared to work for it...
Ovrock
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: VG, BVI
Posts: 294
Originally Posted by Mizzuno 
Bravo! Good work. You have turned it all around. Keep walking forward and know that life will only get better. Thank you for sharing
Thank you for sharing
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
Thanks for sharing your story with us. You may call it a "little story" but I call it a great big story bursting with great big love. It's very inspirational to me, here at 3 and a half months sober.
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