What am I even seeking in drinking ?
 

I have been struggling with cravings for the last few days. All over the place. My brain feels like it's broken and trying desperately to sabotage my best efforts.

I started to wonder what exactly is it that I'm trying to find in alcohol ?

It no longer offers the mental reprieve it once did. That was gone years ago.

Metabolically it has reeked havoc on my overall health and well being.

Psychologically it tailspins me for atleast a week now, causing not only anxiety, but depression that is borderline unbearable.

Yet I am still obsessed with what it ONCE did for me. It hasn't been any kind of balm, or social lubricant or reprieve or anything other than constant misery and woe for longer than it served me.

I'm so confused. I should be smarter, stronger, wiser. But the cravings continue. Taunting me with the promise of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING POSITIVE.

alphaomega,

that question of what i'm seeking was/is invaluable for me in all situations where i wanted to get drunk. when i get that crazy "gottagetdrunkdrunkdrunkandNOW" voice.
asking it allowed me to step back from the happening-urge-thing, take a breath, see what's going on.
i assume, always, that it's not about the actual alcohol, but about what i perceive it would "give" in whatever place i'm in.
from there, i can just sit with it after identifying better where i'm at/what i'm feeling or see if i can get what i think i need in a different way. or if i really "need" at all.

often, it was just a reaction, a reflex almost. the default go-to.

i don't see it as having anything to do with smart, strong or wise.
it's an irrational thing.

and i never dismiss it; looking at it, dissecting it, has helped me do this more easily each time it happens.

it rarely happens now.

I hear you, dear, and I will be checking this thread often for someone much smarter than us to come along and give us the answer...

I'm all ears on this one, thanks for posting, AO.

It's the addiction talking, not your rational mind. Occupy yourself with other things, take a nap, walk the dog, clean the house - anything to keep you from giving in to the craving. You can get thru this.:)

It's like I'm OBSESSED with it. I can control it to a degree but in all reality, it's like it flaking OWNS ME.

I go a few weeks, months even, then it's like BAM - I'm all Fatal Attraction with my addiction..... IM NOT JUST GOING TO BE *IGNORED* RED ZIN !!!

When the La Traviata comes out and I start chain smoking in bed, look out.

A bunny is getting boiled.

Well, AO, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that you might have an alcoholic/addict mind.

Willpower only works when I think I'm fighting doing something wrong. But that peculiar mental twist of alcoholism starts working on "ol' Will" and, eventually, my mind starts to believe it's a good thing to drink, not a bad thing, and ol' Will(power) buckles. I can stand only so much discomfort and battle only so long before that resistance crumbles. I need to find something that will stand in between me and that first drink.

Are you using any program of recovery? That is what the myriad of recovery tools are meant to provide: a defense against that first drink/drug.

I am having one of those days as well. About six months before I decided to quit, every time I drank ( which was most days) I would vomit. Not just once but several episodes until I was left dry retching and shaking. This was accompanied by wicked headaches and sole destroying depression. Yet today I can't stop thinking about drinking.
Don't know what the answer is, sorry.

It reminds me of a verbally abusive ex boyfriend I had in college. I did everything I could to please that jerk, and he just toyed with me and used me. I could not see it when I was in it. Blind. Completely blind. Like he was doing me a favor.

I kicked that jack wagon to the curb and never looked back. I'm not sure when I had the "ah ha" moment or even why I had it. The obsession was unrelenting.

And then, just like that, it was gone.

And he tried and tried and tried to come back. By that point I was thinking, dude, I'd have to be nuts to let you back into my life. I hate you. You are awful. The devil incarnate. I was DONE.

Waiting for that to happen with this nonsense. I'm so over it.

But I'm not.

Wow, AO, thank you for that post. I can relate word for word to it. These same thoughts I have been struggling with for the last few months.

I wish I had some answers or some great insight.

Just wanted you to know you ain't alone feeling this way.

Maybe immerse yourself in some of the AVRT stuff here. That "don't toy with it" thinking has helped me. Good luck!

I just watched " rain in my heart" on you tube. Whenever I crave a drink I think about those poor souls and it stops me picking up every time. Not that I am any better than those people in the documentary in fact it reminds me how I am when I am drunk. Well worth watching if you have never seen it before.

Hell yeah it is a lot like that. You escaped that abusive relationship and you will escape this one as well. If he says he just wants to come over and "talk" it's a trap AO. winkwink. If you had stayed with him where would you be? If you stay with your addiction now where will you be?
Far be it from me to condone country music but:Goodbye Says It All-BlackHawk - YouTube

AO

I always enjoy reading your threads even though I rarely post as I think you are an intelligent individual who is very knowledgeable about alcoholism.

Here is my 2 cents on this. When has rational thinking been able to solve an emotional issue (I think emotions underly cravings). Do emotions respond to rational thoughts ? My opinion is that it is fruitless to combat emotions with logic. At least, it hasnt worked for me so far. Rather I would explore the underlying emotions behind the cravings. Maybe, try to accept and acknowledge those emotions for what they are ? Do not act upon them.

I hope that makes sense.

I say the same sort of harsh, judgemental, ridiculous crap to myself all the time. We cannot "think" our way out of it sometimes. Our needs, passions, hungers come from a gut level...not a head level. There is some sort of driving ache within our bones screaming for reprieve...it's immature and relentless sometimes and there are moments we just get through by gritting our damn teeth and getting through it.

I had that day yesterday Alpha. I had a crap day at work and all I kept thinking about all day was when I got off I wanted either a cigarette or a drink. I was going to have something dammit! It was so overpowering and all sense was not within my reach. And I tell ya I just about smacked a coworker who told me I needed to do the AA Steps (after telling me she had had a lousy week full of anger and depression - so oh yeah..how were the steps helping you sista!!).

Some moments..days...weeks are just freaking lousy. Non-addicts do not have the disadvantage of thinking a cigarette, a drink or a rail is gonna make it all better. Some things just suck and we addicts start obsessing that something outside ourselves is gonna take away the sh*t. It doesn't. Perhaps momentary relief and then guess what? We are just back pining for relief..again and again and again.

Anyhoo...while I was driving home from work (white knuckling the steering wheel as to not stop for smokes or a trough of booze) I slapped on some damn relaxation CD hoping it would stop the ...dwelling on my crap life. Well how the hell was my life different than yesterday?? It wasn't...my thoughts were different. So ..well, I worked on changing my thoughts...it wasn't fantastic..but it got better.

Then when I got to my mom's for Thanksgiving day dinner..I jumped out of my truck and my back went out. I dropped to my knees in pain. I think the drive passing by thought I had dropped to my knees in prayer lol. I had to call my mom on my cell phone to come help me cuz I couldn't get up.

It kinda changed the whole course of the day.

I'm just rambling here. I just wanted to say..I hear ya. I obsessed all day yesterday. Today? I'm okay..and my back is better too : )

When I get thoughts like that, I still play out in my head the shame, pain, and broken promises I will bring upon myself if I start drinking again. And I also remind myself that the act of picking up again is 100% a voluntary choice I would have to make in order for it to happen. I value my sobriety more than that now too. And I choose not to throw it all away.

^^^ this

I call it my lizard brain. That guy always wants to get f$&@'d up.

Awesome thread...thank you for tossing this thought out there. I, too, can relate. I've been way over-thinking drinking for the past two days. I've been getting a ton of "God shots" of subtle/not so subtle reasons why I shouldn't drink. While I'm still working my way through this, what I've come up with for me so far is that I'm lonely. I used to enjoy the chit chat in the bar. I enjoyed the attention I got. I don't get that anymore. And for my almost 11 months of sobriety, I haven't figured out a healthy replacement yet. I went to a meeting today; I generally don't go and it was ok. I may go again for the purpose of not feeling so lonely and out there on my own with my sobriety.

I think too that my wanting to drink is to escape from the mental/emotional work of figuring out this whole sobriety "thing". I miss checking out/escaping. I have a stack of magazines building up on my coffee table because I used to love relaxing with a glass of wine and a magazine. It isn't the same with a cup of coffee. A lot of things aren't the same. I know things will get better. Things will get better for you too. There are a lot of things to figure out in sobriety. You are going through that too I think.

Wow, a great thread at just the right time! Thanks all for the insights as I was also sure needing them. This morning I would have said that you could put a gun to my head and not be able to force me to drink--then as I was putting away the groceries and watching the evening weather, the forecaster began describing the big windy storm coming in tonight and BAMM what a trigger!
I realized that I often use bad weather as an excuse to drink since I will not be able to get out and ride my bike tomorrow, so who cares about a hangover--anyway the cravings were some of the strongest I've had in my 20 days. I tried talking to my AV to no avail, so I finally pulled out my secret weapon--Oreo cookies.
I know you think I must be joking, but I'm serious--I use Oreo's, brownies, chocolate almonds, or even ice cream to placate my AV--so my rational voice can take back control. It feels like I'm bribing a little kid inside me to shut up! But so far it's been working--I just need a better long term plan in case my chocolate fix quits working.

When I wasn't obsessing about not being able to ever drink again, I was obsessing about collecting sober days.
Eventually, my obsessing calmed down and turned into acceptance.
This is who I am, this is my life now.
For me, it took a couple of years, but the acceptance was the key to a satisfying sober life.
I have a feeling your obsessing will change with time.
:)

Sometimes I think that just the concept of not being able to have something makes us want it more. At those times it's not even the actual addiction itself. It's more the idea of having it than actually having it.

Still the same solution, you have to get your mind away from it.