Guidance Please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 2
Guidance Please
Hello,
I'm hoping I can find some objective guidance here.
I am a gay man in his late 30s, married (to a man) for a little over ten years. Not to sound egotistical, I'm successful and accomplished. I've had one career and I'm embarking on my second career. I have multiple graduate degrees. I came out of the closet when I was in college, and as part of that "coming out," I learned the place to meet others like me was the (gay) bar.
Ever since I started drinking alcohol--especially in social situations--I use it to get buzzed, if not drunk. If I get it in my mind that a particular night (usually weekends) is a "drinking night," I can easily put away enough alcohol to get me drunk. The taste of alcohol isn't something I necessarily enjoy, but it's something I can endure to reach that state of altered consciousness.
My circle of friends, and what seems like the lifestyle I live, very much revolves around "partying" and alcohol. In fact, a lot of gay culture (to me) seems to revolve around alcohol. (Then again, maybe most of American culture does, too.) In any event, how do I know if I'm really an "alcoholic", or if I just need to manage myself better? Part of me feels like I may just be looking for something "wrong" to explain all this when nothing is wrong.
I appreciate any serious replies and I'm happy to answer any further questions (in case I didn't paint the full picture here). Thank you.
I'm hoping I can find some objective guidance here.
I am a gay man in his late 30s, married (to a man) for a little over ten years. Not to sound egotistical, I'm successful and accomplished. I've had one career and I'm embarking on my second career. I have multiple graduate degrees. I came out of the closet when I was in college, and as part of that "coming out," I learned the place to meet others like me was the (gay) bar.
Ever since I started drinking alcohol--especially in social situations--I use it to get buzzed, if not drunk. If I get it in my mind that a particular night (usually weekends) is a "drinking night," I can easily put away enough alcohol to get me drunk. The taste of alcohol isn't something I necessarily enjoy, but it's something I can endure to reach that state of altered consciousness.
My circle of friends, and what seems like the lifestyle I live, very much revolves around "partying" and alcohol. In fact, a lot of gay culture (to me) seems to revolve around alcohol. (Then again, maybe most of American culture does, too.) In any event, how do I know if I'm really an "alcoholic", or if I just need to manage myself better? Part of me feels like I may just be looking for something "wrong" to explain all this when nothing is wrong.
I appreciate any serious replies and I'm happy to answer any further questions (in case I didn't paint the full picture here). Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Hi Phoenix, welcome. Drinking to achieve a state of altered conscience is alcohol abuse. I am a recovering alcoholic. I found out that alcohol is not a good coping mechanism. It just delays. Alcohol is everywhere. I'm glad you joined us here. Stick around for love and support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 544
Friend-
Sexual orientation is irrelevant.
So is race, gender, creed and social economic status. If alcohol is a problem for you, than its a problem. I can't speak for you but when I drank, I drank to get drunk. Thus, the idea of moderation has never appealed to me.
Based on your testimony, it sounds, to me, like you've been wrestling with your inner consciousness for quite some time. Perhaps a period of sober thinking is in order?
Good luck and God Bless
Sexual orientation is irrelevant.
So is race, gender, creed and social economic status. If alcohol is a problem for you, than its a problem. I can't speak for you but when I drank, I drank to get drunk. Thus, the idea of moderation has never appealed to me.
Based on your testimony, it sounds, to me, like you've been wrestling with your inner consciousness for quite some time. Perhaps a period of sober thinking is in order?
Good luck and God Bless
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
Hello,
It has been my experience and has been written, that if you are questioning if you are an alcoholic, you probably have a problem you need to look at. Normies, or ppl who can handle drinking w/o issue, don't give a second thought to that question nor come to a sober recovery website to ask about it.
I struggle w/ my own defintion of addict/alcoholic myself...and that in and of itself is enough to make me think I am in denial.
Good luck on your journey - you will find a lot of great support here.
It has been my experience and has been written, that if you are questioning if you are an alcoholic, you probably have a problem you need to look at. Normies, or ppl who can handle drinking w/o issue, don't give a second thought to that question nor come to a sober recovery website to ask about it.
I struggle w/ my own defintion of addict/alcoholic myself...and that in and of itself is enough to make me think I am in denial.
Good luck on your journey - you will find a lot of great support here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
Welcome TexanPhoenix! No one can answer whether or not your are an alcoholic. Only you can. For me, I cannot stop after one drink. Can you? Can you do it easily? Just putting it out there...
There is a lot of good stuff here! Hope you stick around!!
There is a lot of good stuff here! Hope you stick around!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I don't think you'll find any non-serious replies here TexasP. We are all here to achieve or maintain sobriety and we take it VERY seriously.
The bottom line is that you have to ask yourself if alcohol is causing you problems in your life. If so, then you might have problem. If you would like to quit and cannot, that may be a problem too.
It's 100% possible to live a very successful and fulfilling life without alcohol. If you do decide thats' what you plan to do, there are many resources here to help.
What you won't find is support or help to "moderate" your drinking. Alcoholics cannot moderate by definition. It is possible that you are not an alcoholic and that moderation might be possible, but generally if you have to think about it in the first place you might already have signs of an issue with alcohol.
Read lots and ask lots of questions, SR is a very diverse population with a common goal.
The bottom line is that you have to ask yourself if alcohol is causing you problems in your life. If so, then you might have problem. If you would like to quit and cannot, that may be a problem too.
It's 100% possible to live a very successful and fulfilling life without alcohol. If you do decide thats' what you plan to do, there are many resources here to help.
What you won't find is support or help to "moderate" your drinking. Alcoholics cannot moderate by definition. It is possible that you are not an alcoholic and that moderation might be possible, but generally if you have to think about it in the first place you might already have signs of an issue with alcohol.
Read lots and ask lots of questions, SR is a very diverse population with a common goal.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
to SR! I'd agree that if alcohol is giving you any problems in your life probably best to give it up. Another thing is that normal drinkers don't search online for recovery sites. Just coming here shows that you think you may have a problem. Why not get sober for a set period of time just to see how you feel then. Try three months sober and see how it goes.We are here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 526
as others have pointed out, if you are here asking this question, chances are there is already a problem. hopefully (and it seems like) the problem is not big enough for you just yet, but remember one thing... it doesn't improve, it only gets worse.
here's one piece of advice that i've learned here... if you think it's just "something in your mind"... then simply quit for a month or two. after all any "normal drinker" will have no problem stopping and enjoying life sober.
if you find it difficult, perhaps it's a sign that something truly isn't right with your drinking habits.
also, alcoholics can be very different from one another. for example i have a friend who drinks daily (but in reasonable amounts, if there's such a thing) and goes on with his life. i, on the other hand, will take breaks (sometimes for months at a time)... and then would go on a 3-4 day binge where i'm drunk 24/7 and simply have no life.
you are here. be mindful, read and learn. you will have to make up your mind as far what's right for you. personally, i feel that anyone who is drinking to get drunk/buzzed is walking down the wrong path. perhaps it's time to stop, before things get out of control?
here's one piece of advice that i've learned here... if you think it's just "something in your mind"... then simply quit for a month or two. after all any "normal drinker" will have no problem stopping and enjoying life sober.
if you find it difficult, perhaps it's a sign that something truly isn't right with your drinking habits.
also, alcoholics can be very different from one another. for example i have a friend who drinks daily (but in reasonable amounts, if there's such a thing) and goes on with his life. i, on the other hand, will take breaks (sometimes for months at a time)... and then would go on a 3-4 day binge where i'm drunk 24/7 and simply have no life.
you are here. be mindful, read and learn. you will have to make up your mind as far what's right for you. personally, i feel that anyone who is drinking to get drunk/buzzed is walking down the wrong path. perhaps it's time to stop, before things get out of control?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 2
Wow! Thank you all for your quick replies. I really didn't expect to hear so much in such a short period of time.
@Amajorityofone: I had a period of crisis in my marriage back in July, and I stopped drinking (to get drunk) since then. The past two weekends, I've gotten drunk, and made some poor decisions...of course, influenced by the alcohol and the subsequent hangover. During the time I was not drinking, things were very manageable and I felt like myself. Today, I'm feeling horrible on the inside and confused. Is this sounding familiar?
@FourSeasons: If I decide ahead of time I'm not going to drink to get drunk, I can stop at a drink. That's all I usually have is one. Like I said, the taste of alcohol doesn't appeal to me. I'd much rather have a Coke or Pepsi if I'm not intending to feel inebriated.
I've heard that alcoholics/addicts tend to think very black-and-white. I've always been that type of thinker, and I hate to think that this characteristic would make me "broken." I'm also scared of the label of "alcoholism."
@Amajorityofone: I had a period of crisis in my marriage back in July, and I stopped drinking (to get drunk) since then. The past two weekends, I've gotten drunk, and made some poor decisions...of course, influenced by the alcohol and the subsequent hangover. During the time I was not drinking, things were very manageable and I felt like myself. Today, I'm feeling horrible on the inside and confused. Is this sounding familiar?
@FourSeasons: If I decide ahead of time I'm not going to drink to get drunk, I can stop at a drink. That's all I usually have is one. Like I said, the taste of alcohol doesn't appeal to me. I'd much rather have a Coke or Pepsi if I'm not intending to feel inebriated.
I've heard that alcoholics/addicts tend to think very black-and-white. I've always been that type of thinker, and I hate to think that this characteristic would make me "broken." I'm also scared of the label of "alcoholism."
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by TexanPhoenix 
I've heard that alcoholics/addicts tend to think very black-and-white. I've always been that type of thinker, and I hate to think that this characteristic would make me "broken." I'm also scared of the label of "alcoholism."
Being a black and white person, why not just try a simple test then- just stop drinking for 30 days and see how it goes. If your life gets better, then maybe not drinking is the way to go. If you can't do it, then maybe you need to look at some kind of support to help.
Either way, you need to decide for yourself if it's a problem and act accordingly.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Eastern Shore of Maryland
Posts: 486
Originally Posted by TexanPhoenix
I'm also scared of the label of "alcoholism."
I have alcohol addiction and find life is much easier if I abstain completely from alcohol. For whatever reasons, moderation just doesn't work for me.
I don't worry about labels as I am focused on achieving a balanced life which for me includes abstaining from alcohol.
I wish you the best as you clarify your own thinking on this issue.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Being a black and white person, why not just try a simple test then- just stop drinking for 30 days and see how it goes. If your life gets better, then maybe not drinking is the way to go. If you can't do it, then maybe you need to look at some kind of support to help.
Either way, you need to decide for yourself if it's a problem and act accordingly.
Either way, you need to decide for yourself if it's a problem and act accordingly.
I also started hurting my significant other the longer I drank. My mood became darker and I became more argumentative over time so if things like that are happening that might be an indicator. Good luck and welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 544
Originally Posted by TexanPhoenix
@Amajorityofone: I had a period of crisis in my marriage back in July, and I stopped drinking (to get drunk) since then. The past two weekends, I've gotten drunk, and made some poor decisions...of course, influenced by the alcohol and the subsequent hangover. During the time I was not drinking, things were very manageable and I felt like myself. Today, I'm feeling horrible on the inside and confused. Is this sounding familiar?
There is a dark side in all of us. It is obscure, has force, is bent towards sinfulness and thus wages constant war against our spiritual side. For me, alcohol is both kryptonite to my spirituality and symbiotic, oxygenic, fuel to my carnal side; breathing more and more life into my most suppressed thoughts and desires as it is consumed, and at the same time, weakening my sinew and determination to live righteously over time.
This is why I no longer consume it, allow it in my house, go to bars, or associate with any one that drinks it or does drugs of any kind. I don't enjoy even the scent of it flowing up into my nostrils involuntarily anymore.
No half measures
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: State of Confusion
Posts: 424
In my opinion that the truest test of all is controlled drinking. Have two drinks when you're most likely to drink more. Try this for 3 or 6 months. If you ever drink more than your limit chances are you have a problem. If you can it doesnt mean that you don't have a problem it just means that it's likely in the early stages
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Christchurch
Posts: 451
Why don't you just give it up altogether. It will save you the concentration and willpower required to try and moderate. Not saying that you can't moderate however drinking is starting to cause you some emotional pain and trust me, if you carry on it only gets worse.
The drinking culture is huge in my country but what I have discovered is that most people don't care if you drink or not, they are usually just interested in themselves and catching their own buzz.
The drinking culture is huge in my country but what I have discovered is that most people don't care if you drink or not, they are usually just interested in themselves and catching their own buzz.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
TEXPH...welcome. I see hints of a familiar theme in your post...the dreaded correlation, it's something that rings very true to me.
My mind always correlated my mind with whatever the appropriate cocktail scenario was to make it seem necessary.
Fall in college, drink. How about travel? That always called for a drink. New job, absolutely. Clubs? Aren't they just loosely veiled drinking organizations? Hungover Sundays? Beach houses? Boating trips? Can't read Hemingway, or Cheever or Fitzgerald or Dorothy Parker or any of my favorite authors without a drink in hand. Wedding, drink. Funeral, drink. Christening, drink. Friend's divorce, drink. Got a job, drink. Lost a job, drink. Moving out, drink. Moving in, drink. Sunsets, drink. Snowstorms, drink. Hurricanes, drink. No power, drink. Scared of the dark, drink. Can't sleep, drink. Feel fat, drink. Been starving myself, drink. Family here, drink. Family left, drink. Cat is sick, drink. Cat is better, drink. It's a Thursday, drink. It's a Sunday, drink. It's a day, drink......
At the end I had to figure out what I could do without alcohol...as you can imagine it was a pretty short list.
I think being mindful of something that could be causing you problems is always a good place to be. And being here has been a huge help to me. Welcome!
My mind always correlated my mind with whatever the appropriate cocktail scenario was to make it seem necessary.
Fall in college, drink. How about travel? That always called for a drink. New job, absolutely. Clubs? Aren't they just loosely veiled drinking organizations? Hungover Sundays? Beach houses? Boating trips? Can't read Hemingway, or Cheever or Fitzgerald or Dorothy Parker or any of my favorite authors without a drink in hand. Wedding, drink. Funeral, drink. Christening, drink. Friend's divorce, drink. Got a job, drink. Lost a job, drink. Moving out, drink. Moving in, drink. Sunsets, drink. Snowstorms, drink. Hurricanes, drink. No power, drink. Scared of the dark, drink. Can't sleep, drink. Feel fat, drink. Been starving myself, drink. Family here, drink. Family left, drink. Cat is sick, drink. Cat is better, drink. It's a Thursday, drink. It's a Sunday, drink. It's a day, drink......
At the end I had to figure out what I could do without alcohol...as you can imagine it was a pretty short list.
I think being mindful of something that could be causing you problems is always a good place to be. And being here has been a huge help to me. Welcome!
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