My Journey
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Central California
Posts: 322
My Journey
Hi everyone,
I've been an on and off poster for several years. In 2011 I used this site a lot to get sober, and quit doing any recovery due to pregnancy (Pregnancy cures alcoholism right?). I managed to "moderate" the first few months after my son was born, and then I ended up here again early 2012. I've gone to several meetings here and there, and will try to attend with this attempt at quitting.
I drink 4-5 days per week and drink enough to be hung over about 1-2 times per week. An episode this weekend is what motivated me to get back on here and try to quit.....again. We got a babysitter Saturday night and went out. I had wayyyy too much to drink that night and was an absolute mess yesterday, so I did the responsible thing and took a few pills and drank a few shots so I could get back to sleep. I basically missed all of Sunday. During the week, I usually don't get home until around 5, and the kids are in bed by 7, so I try to spend quality time with them over the weekend. I barely saw them this weekend. The guilt is immense. I've asked and people have said the guilt will ease as time goes by, but in a way, I NEVER want it to go away. I want to be reminded constantly why I quit and to have the same determination that I always have on my "day ones" to stay sober.
So today has gone just fine. I still have that guilty feeling, and I'm trying to make up for it by spending time with the kids tonight, going for a walk and then bath time. I'm not in danger of drinking tonight, so I'm just going to go ahead and say I made it. I haven't made it past day 5 since pregnancy. I really want this. I KNOW I just cannot be a "normal" drinker. I need to do this. I probably won't make it to a meeting until Thursday. We're having parent conferences at work and I won't be leaving work tomorrow until 6 and it's a half hour drive home. I want to update this post and make it my "blog." My goal is a year, hopefully more, but I know I need to make it one day at a time. I can right now list about 20 upcoming events where alcohol will be served, and it will drive me crazy to think about it. So, one day at a time....
I've been an on and off poster for several years. In 2011 I used this site a lot to get sober, and quit doing any recovery due to pregnancy (Pregnancy cures alcoholism right?). I managed to "moderate" the first few months after my son was born, and then I ended up here again early 2012. I've gone to several meetings here and there, and will try to attend with this attempt at quitting.
I drink 4-5 days per week and drink enough to be hung over about 1-2 times per week. An episode this weekend is what motivated me to get back on here and try to quit.....again. We got a babysitter Saturday night and went out. I had wayyyy too much to drink that night and was an absolute mess yesterday, so I did the responsible thing and took a few pills and drank a few shots so I could get back to sleep. I basically missed all of Sunday. During the week, I usually don't get home until around 5, and the kids are in bed by 7, so I try to spend quality time with them over the weekend. I barely saw them this weekend. The guilt is immense. I've asked and people have said the guilt will ease as time goes by, but in a way, I NEVER want it to go away. I want to be reminded constantly why I quit and to have the same determination that I always have on my "day ones" to stay sober.
So today has gone just fine. I still have that guilty feeling, and I'm trying to make up for it by spending time with the kids tonight, going for a walk and then bath time. I'm not in danger of drinking tonight, so I'm just going to go ahead and say I made it. I haven't made it past day 5 since pregnancy. I really want this. I KNOW I just cannot be a "normal" drinker. I need to do this. I probably won't make it to a meeting until Thursday. We're having parent conferences at work and I won't be leaving work tomorrow until 6 and it's a half hour drive home. I want to update this post and make it my "blog." My goal is a year, hopefully more, but I know I need to make it one day at a time. I can right now list about 20 upcoming events where alcohol will be served, and it will drive me crazy to think about it. So, one day at a time....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
Hi amanda. Have you ever participated in the monthly threads? Posting in the August thread has saved me from a lot of close calls these past few weeks. I hear that Octoberites are accepting new members 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 61
I've been where you are, particularly in the heavy guilt phase around missing out on being a mother.
My advice is to get to a meeting however possible. Make it your first priority. I came up with a zillion excuses - and many were valid (I'm a single mom, schedules are really tough). But once I stopped making excuses and got to a meeting and got a sponsor I started to feel real hope and responsibility for my sobriety. And most of all, I was able to lean on other women to help me. You keep stressing that *you* have to do this, but in my experience, *you* cannot do it alone. I couldn't!
Get help. Find a sponsor. Meet other women who you'll check in with every day. I tried to do it by myself for soooo long and failed every time because I thought it was a matter of will.
The other part is thinking about all the events coming up where alcohol will be served. You do not have to go to anything! I used to freak out thinking of all the upcoming things that I'd *have* to go to and ultimately it just gave me more excuses to drink.
Someone told me that I have the right to be completely selfish right now because being sober is the only thing I owe the world or my daughter. I am not the type of person who can go to a party where there's alcohol and not drink - just wasn't going to happen! And if I did, it was miserable. So until I get to that place, I stay away.
Good for you for coming back. I can hear a lot of myself in what you said. Knowing I needed to stop and lurking here year after year until I finally realized there was nothing left for me on the drinking side of things but pain.
My advice is to get to a meeting however possible. Make it your first priority. I came up with a zillion excuses - and many were valid (I'm a single mom, schedules are really tough). But once I stopped making excuses and got to a meeting and got a sponsor I started to feel real hope and responsibility for my sobriety. And most of all, I was able to lean on other women to help me. You keep stressing that *you* have to do this, but in my experience, *you* cannot do it alone. I couldn't!
Get help. Find a sponsor. Meet other women who you'll check in with every day. I tried to do it by myself for soooo long and failed every time because I thought it was a matter of will.
The other part is thinking about all the events coming up where alcohol will be served. You do not have to go to anything! I used to freak out thinking of all the upcoming things that I'd *have* to go to and ultimately it just gave me more excuses to drink.
Someone told me that I have the right to be completely selfish right now because being sober is the only thing I owe the world or my daughter. I am not the type of person who can go to a party where there's alcohol and not drink - just wasn't going to happen! And if I did, it was miserable. So until I get to that place, I stay away.
Good for you for coming back. I can hear a lot of myself in what you said. Knowing I needed to stop and lurking here year after year until I finally realized there was nothing left for me on the drinking side of things but pain.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Amanda. You can get and remain sober. Yes, take it one day at a time. The guilt that you feel will leave as long as you walk forward with this mission. Know that you are not alone and never will be on this road. The one thing that I have found to be of extreme importance in sobriety is support. It is good to see you back and I hope that you will continue to post.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
My kids are grown. I drank off and on throughout their childhood. I wasted my time with them. They are only children for a short time. I can tell you that it really sucks to look back and remember the times that I was too drunk to appreciate them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 345
hi amanda, welcome back. it seems that you have a busy and productive life.
do not worry about all the "up comings". just make sure that you, decide to include sobriety into your schedule (it's like bathing your kids, it has to be done, or we smell)
if you try to keep your schedule, commitments, priorities, and obligations to others as it has been previously, your sobriety gets squeezed out, and you run the risk of relapse, you can do this for yourself and your family, you deserve a sober life.
keep posting, come back tomorrow and let us know how it is going ! way to go
do not worry about all the "up comings". just make sure that you, decide to include sobriety into your schedule (it's like bathing your kids, it has to be done, or we smell
)if you try to keep your schedule, commitments, priorities, and obligations to others as it has been previously, your sobriety gets squeezed out, and you run the risk of relapse, you can do this for yourself and your family, you deserve a sober life.
keep posting, come back tomorrow and let us know how it is going ! way to go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Central California
Posts: 322
Thanks Everyone! Today is/was day 2. I had a long-ish day at work, and then stopped at a mexican restaurant to pick up dinner on my way home. Of course the first thing I saw was the beer/wine case. Typically, I would have ordered a drink while waiting for my food. I'm glad to say I didn't. I came home and ate with my family, then played on the floor with my son. I'm sending my husband to the store for diapers, so I'm not tempted to stop anywhere. Honestly we have NO extra income to spend on alcohol. We really haven't had "extra" money for years, but right now it's particularly tight (I paid for dinner with a gift card for the restaurant). My husband is a federal employee and has been working for no pay for almost 2 weeks now (his check was HALF what it is normally, and I can't pay bills with an IOU). I'm a teacher and I spend so much money on my classroom and students the beginning of each year that the first few months literally suck financially. Needless to say, we're stressed, but I KNOW drinking does nothing to solve the issue, and only makes it worse.
My plan is to get to a meeting tomorrow. Days 3-5 are the toughest for me (I've made it to day 3 many times, and to day five maybe twice in the last year). I NEED to keep the way I was feeling on Sunday fresh in my mind. I know I will need to forgive myself, but I want to get "used" to sobriety first. I've read that it takes 21 days to make a habit. I know that's just the beginning of my journey, but it's a start.
I guess that's all I have today. I'm not struggling yet, but I anticipate it won't be long..... I hope everyone is doing well!
My plan is to get to a meeting tomorrow. Days 3-5 are the toughest for me (I've made it to day 3 many times, and to day five maybe twice in the last year). I NEED to keep the way I was feeling on Sunday fresh in my mind. I know I will need to forgive myself, but I want to get "used" to sobriety first. I've read that it takes 21 days to make a habit. I know that's just the beginning of my journey, but it's a start.
I guess that's all I have today. I'm not struggling yet, but I anticipate it won't be long..... I hope everyone is doing well!
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