Achingforchange

Do you believe it is possible to get and stay sober without telling anyone that you have a problem? My husband is starting to wonder if there is an issue, but I truly don't think he knows. We have had one discussion about it, but never a fight or never anything seriously addressed. I drink a bottle of wine every night. I can't have just one glass of anything. I come from a long line of alcoholics and I know it when I see it. I am there. I adore my husband. He is the healthy one, both mentally and physically. I have always been the one with issues both mentally (depression) and physically (about 40 lbs overweight). My husband also comes from a long line of alcoholics and I don't know if he could stay married to an admitted alcoholic. I want to get sober for my kids and my family. Does anyone have any experience with getting sober without telling your significant other you are on that journey?

Bilr44

In time you will probably tell him as he probably already knows. We think we are being sneaky about our drinking but others can see it. My wife knew because when I went to bed I would be asleep the minute my head hit the pillow.

UnixBer

Yes obviously it is. I am now 115 days sober and still haven't told ANYONE. I intend to keep it this way, because recovery is such a personal thing. It is something that other people don't need or have to know, so they can gossip about it. Only most trusted friends I would tell, but propably only when asked.

So I fully believe it is equally possibly to achieve total recovery without giving it away to anyone.

Pondlady

It is a personal journey......one that I chose to share with my best friend, my husband. I think you will make the choice that is best for you. Maybe let him know you want to stop before you develop a more serious problem, as you value your marriage?

Bilr44

Also, if you husband is starting to wonder if there is an issue, and you have had a discussion, he knows more than you think. Most likely he is in denial. Would your husband want to stay married to an active alcoholic? Are you serious about trying to quit and have a plan . Alcohol and depression are not a good mix so it sounds like you are self medicating. Why not see a doctor and see what he can do about depression. Not all depression needs to be treated with medication as there is a root cause for it.

I was in denial for years thinking my wife did not know I was drinking. But us alcoholics are sloppy and leave clues behind. My wife lived with it because other than drinking I was a pretty good husband. I'm sure your husband would rather have you not drinking and know about it, rather than have you hide it. The guilt that gets lifted off your shoulders when you are sober is so much better than the short lived buzz of alcohol.

doggonecarl

You don't have to tell him or anyone you are an alcoholic. You might want to tell him you want to quit drinking so that he can support by not having alcohol around and not pressuring you to attend social events where there is going to be drinking.

Again, that is your choice too. But look within and ask yourself, "Am I not telling anyone so I don't have to be held accountable and can resume drinking without reprecussions?"

serious

i think it's possible.
but reaching out for help is also tremendously helpful.

people know (especially i presume your husband would notice). it is very hard, and i guess at my point shameful to have to admit to such a problem.

take your time, and when you are ready things will follow their own course. perhaps your husband will actually be glad that you've shared with him and will be helpful in your recovery.

either way i wish you the best of luck...

firstymer

Aching, I first needed to conclude that I am an alcoholic. Which I did. Then, after a week or so of sobriety, I told my significant other that I intended to "cut down" on my drinking, even though I knew I could never drink again. As the weeks have gone on (I am at 7 weeks sober now), I have simply told her that I feel better without drinking than I did when I WAS drinking. I have never come right out and told her that I am alcoholic. She probably already knows. She has been extremely supportive.

But, as I said, the process begins with our own acknowledgment: that we are alcoholics. And that we cannot drink again. Ever. After that, everything else will fall into place.

kaonashi

My personal opinion is the physical change (you'll lose weight subtracting a bottle a night from your diet) and the mental clarity that comes with sobriety alone will be more than enough to compensate for whatever his preconceived conceptions are about that label.

I wouldn't be afraid to do something brave to save my own life.

DoubleDragons

Hi. I could relate to your post very much. Personally, I am not choosing to label myself anything. Drinking alcohol is not good for anybody, just like eating fatty fast food and not exercising. I have made a lot of health changes in my life the last couple of years and not drinking is being added to the list. Why don't you tell your husband that you would like to quit drinking for health reasons?

ejackson

You don't have to tell anyone until you're comfortable doing so. And it's your personal journey, so it's not necessary to share it. If you believe you will need your husband's support, then share with him that you're quitting for health reasons. I bet he'll be very supportive.

I also believe your mental and physical health will improve greatly, and you deserve that.

wakko

I found it whole lot easier to let my loved ones know or at least the loved ones that I can trust. I have been told that we are only as sick as our secrets and I'm a firm believer in this. Alcohol wants us to be isolated and is very threatened by the light of truth because it exposes it for what it is. By telling others your admitting there is a problem and getting rid of shame and guilt is a necessary part of recovery

w2r

obviously your husband will know you are not drinking.
You could tell him you intend to stop drinking for the sake of your health.
He should support you.
I don't think you should make it an issue to talk about. It is only your decision! and it has been made.

Anna

I found early on, that my recovery journey was very personal. I told no one what I was doing. My husband and children noticed as my behavior changed, but they had no interest in talking to me about it. They were tired and just wanted me to get better. And, I did.

Mizzuno

I think in the beginning stages of our Recovery from alcohol consumption, there are a ton of thoughts that run around about what we are, what we are not, who to tell, not to tell....how do I do this sobriety thing? What does sobriety look like?
It is perfectly acceptable to think about all of this before embarking on a conversation with our loved ones. The concern over your husband not being able to stay with an admitted alcoholic is only a concern, and this concern is not the reality at the moment. If Alcohol is causing you emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual distress lay it down for awhile and give yourself some time. One foot in front of the other.

advbike

This is what I was thinking. Why label yourself to others? Especially with a label that for whatever reason has such a negative connotation with his family. Just tell him you're doing it for your health and to be a better wife/mother etc. Undoubtedly he will see it as a positive step and his support will certainly make it easier.

aasharon90

It was explained to me 23yrs ago.
when I entered recovery that when
one person is sick in the family, then
the entire family is affected by this
illness/disease.

In order for the entire family to get
healthy is for all to get involved in
recovery with various programs available
to each one.

Many marriages don't make it, as I've
learned over the yrs. including my own
25 yr. marriage. For me, I entered rehab
via family intervention at about 8yrs.
married. I continue thru out the yrs.
learning about my addiction and incorporating
the tools and knowledge of a recovery program
in all my affairs. For me, I continued to grow
and change thru this process while my little
family was left scratching their head as to
what all had happened to our little family
unit.

My 2 kids, college grads, married, employeed,
happy, healthy young adults and my spouse
and I eventually divorced. There seemed to be
no need on their parts to enter any kind of
treatment, because non of them were sick.

It was the lack of communication, misunderstandings
that eventually separated us.

Today, 23 yrs sober, im remarried 4yrs. now,
healthier, happier, and honest in all my affairs.

Ive learned that a marriage has to have
all the important ingredients to hold together.
Just like making and baking a cake. It won't
turn out the way it's suppose to if we leave
something out.

A marriage to survive has to have communication,
understanding, honesty, love, compassion, trust
and many other neat things.

I had to learn, absorb and apply all those
neat ingredients in my new marriage and the
result is complete freedom and happiness
that are the ultimate gifts in my recovery
and life.

Bebetter

It would probably be easier to stay married to an admitted alcoholic than one who continues to just be an alcoholic. Whether you admit it to him or not, admitting it to yourself is the most important thing, and you've done that!