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No support from partner

Old 10-13-2013, 01:14 AM
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No support from partner

I told my partner that I am no longer going to drink alcohol and his reply was, "What? Again?!!" I suppose i can't blame him as in the past i have lapsed but I am quite upset that he is not taking me seriously. Last night he stayed at the the bar until 4am drinking and talking about work (he manages the place) and I went home alone to have a night in front of the tv. He is so focused on problems at work and his own life that he never seems to spend time with me or isn't concerned how I feel. I am painting him as the "bad guy" but he really isn't... he is just so caught up in the world of alcohol (being a manager of a bar!) that if I don't go to the bar then I don't see him. I have always been the one to adapt my life to his plans but as I really want to succeed in my sobriety, I am thinking that if I do my own thing and persue healthier and alcohol free persuits then he will see that I am serious about quitting. We have been together for 11 years and alcohol has played a large part in our relationship throughout the years. . . both good and bad.. . mostly bad if i am going to be honest. I want to have a life that does not revolve around alcohol or his bloody bar and moreover, I want to gain some self respect. I don't want to lose him but I cannot go on living a drunken life hanging around a bar all the time. I have tried talking to him but as he has stress at work he never wants to discuss it. I think this is due to the fact that he doesn't believe me and I make myself too available?? I don't want to play games I just want him to realise that something MUST change and take me seriously. . . .
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Old 10-13-2013, 01:47 AM
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For me i had to do the sober time first before anyone had any faith in me staying sober . Now i've been sober for over two years i get more support from people now i don't need it than i did struggling in those early days .

It's a crazy old world , keep on walking the sober path Susan , it's worth it for ourselves regardless of other people in our lives .



Bestwishes, m
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Old 10-13-2013, 02:20 AM
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I have been struck on the short time I have been actrive here how difficult it must be for one member of a couple to get sober if they are both drinking. It does seem to me that in most cases one has no choice other than to be selfish - or appear to be anyway. It is hard enough getting the strength to get oneself in a place where one is ready to do it and we know how easy it is to have those plans knocked off course. To have to take into account the drinking of a partner and whether or not they are on board for the ride and all of the potential complications involved doesn't bare thinking about - for me anyway!

I have no particular wisdom just because I am newly sober, except to say, go for it for yourself and if you are serious do whatever it takes. Invite your husband to follow you if you wish, but if he says no or just dithers get on with it yourself. Alcohol addiction loves procrastination!
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Old 10-13-2013, 02:21 AM
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I think you should put yourself and your own needs first. I could not have got sober being in a bar. That's not to say yourpartner should change of course, his job is his job. You can only change you. If he wants to see you he will make arrangements to see you away from the bar when he isn't working.

Actions and time speak louder than words. When you stay sober he will realize you're serious. relationships do change when we get sober, my marriage has too. wishing you all the best.
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Old 10-13-2013, 04:54 AM
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I was gonna say what Readyatlast and Mecanix have already said, that actions speak louder than words, and that people will take you seriously in time. Y'know this place is the only place I have been able to find unconditional support.

I think that our difficulties with other people getting sober has to do with our expectations. It would be nice to have unconditional support and understanding from others but the fact is they are often to tied up with their own stuff and their viewpoint is tainted by their own expectations and concerns. It is why most people's reaction to someone saying they are going to get sober is a negative one, not because they don't support you, but that they are worried they will have to do the same.
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Old 10-13-2013, 05:05 AM
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You cannot make him take your seriously. And, you cannot make him accept your alcohol-free new lifestyle.

The only thing you can do is stop drinking and take care of yourself. Whether or not things change in your relationship remains to be seen, but you will gain self-respect and a peaceful life.
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Old 10-13-2013, 05:56 AM
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I had to rebuild a sober life not try to fix my old one. Parts of my old life stayed many did not. I had to prove to the people in my life that I was going to remain sober with or without their support. I learned that I had to make this change a day at a time. Each day moving forward to my new life.

Congrats on your decision remain sober and the work required is so worth it
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Old 10-13-2013, 06:15 AM
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Thank you for all your support. I am going to continue on this path and hope that things sort themselves out in my relationship. At present there is a wall of silence between us as i am really upset and depressed that he does not seem to care that I want a life outside the bar without alcohol. Plus, the fact that I refuse to come second to alcohol is making me more confident of avoiding it completely. I apologise in advance as ther emay be more posts like this!! SR is really the only place that I have to come to explain how I feel!
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Old 10-13-2013, 06:17 AM
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This is the place to come to vent and seek support. We do understand how hard this is.
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Old 10-13-2013, 06:30 AM
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I'm confused about what you want from him. He manages a bar, so his staying there late every night strikes me as reasonable. If you do prove to be serious about quitting drinking by your actions over time, not your words now, then what? Are you prepared to live a radically different lifestyle from your boyfriend or husband, or will you leave the relationship? Those strike me as your two options here.

I'm not being flippant. My husband and I live very different lives, so we spend some of our free time apart. We have even lived in different cities at times. Even in a committed relationship, it is important to be independent to some degree. You can do this without him.
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Old 10-13-2013, 06:46 AM
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We live very independent lives. My problem is not when he Works at the bar it is when he doesnt work there he stays there to all hours drinking. Without alcohol we spend little quality time together. He was in the forces for years, so i am very used to being independent.
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Old 10-13-2013, 07:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Susan80 View Post
We live very independent lives. My problem is not when he Works at the bar it is when he doesnt work there he stays there to all hours drinking. Without alcohol we spend little quality time together. He was in the forces for years, so i am very used to being independent.
If he loves you and wants to be with you he will make arranegments to see you outside work,away from the bar.

Maybe you are concerned that he will prefer to be in the bar and your relationship will fizzle out as you will no longer see each other. There is nothing you can do if this is what he chooses to do. All you can do is stay sober.

I love the quote by Wakko. Getting sober really is about building a new life not just living the old one but without alcohol
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Old 10-13-2013, 07:13 AM
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@readyatlast - you are totally right, this is my fear! Time will tell I suppose. I also appreciate this quote Wakko. . . i fully intend to create a new life for myself. .. it is just a bit danting at the moment. I guess it is a case of taking each day. . .
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Old 10-13-2013, 07:22 AM
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Susan, I found that when I was more comfortable in my sobriety,although I could go into a bar without it triggering me Ijust don't want to. There are so many fabulous things to do in life that don't involve bars. Sitting in a bar is pretty darn boring in comparison Hopefully you will find this too and make a wonderful new life for yourself.You sound like a strong, focussed person and you can do this
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Old 10-13-2013, 05:24 PM
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I was with my partner for six years when I got sober. Alcohol has been a huge part of our lives. We were living together at the time when I first got sober and he refused to change his ways. Not that he had to but I couldn't be around alcohol if I wanted to get sober. Long story short, we split up, moved away from each other and were very bitter for awhile. Almost six months later we are starting completely over. I had to let him go so he could find his way back to me. It hurt like hell but I chose sobriety first. He now makes me a priority and I have never been happier. It may not work out in the end but I'm fine with where I'm at for now. Good luck!
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Old 10-13-2013, 09:28 PM
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I never understood the fascination of bars even when I was drinking. My partner supported me initially but ended up very resentful of me quitting drinking. He even went as far to say that he wished I would start drinking again because he didn't like the sober "me". It got so nasty, we ended up splitting up. We just had completely different lifestyles and our communication went down the tubes. It's hard to talk to a drunk when you are sober. It's annoying, actually. But I wasn't about to give up my sobriety to "save" our relationship. Not in a million years, not for no one! Wishing you the best of luck!
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Old 10-13-2013, 10:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Susan80 View Post
T At present there is a wall of silence between us
As opposed to a wall of alcohol between you? It is painful and lonely to realize another does not want to walk along beside us. It kind of sounds like you two haven't really been walking along together for awhile now.

As others have said, this is for and about you. Sobriety is a decision we make for ourselves for a new and better life. Awakening and realizations can come fast and hard when we leave our alcoholic coma. I hope you want to wake up into sobriety ..that may or may not include shared desires and perspectives with your partner.

Typically, we decide to sober up all by ourselves. Immersing yourself in a community of those walking the same walk makes it not so lonely...not so lonely at all.
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Old 10-13-2013, 10:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
You cannot make him take your seriously. And, you cannot make him accept your alcohol-free new lifestyle.

The only thing you can do is stop drinking and take care of yourself. Whether or not things change in your relationship remains to be seen, but you will gain self-respect and a peaceful life.

Ditto that.
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Old 10-14-2013, 02:26 PM
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Freebird! My partner asked me to start dinking again too!!
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Old 10-14-2013, 09:53 PM
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Patty, I think the real reason my partner wanted me to start drinking again was because then he wouldn't feel so guilty about getting drunk. Also because he knows I didn't focus on his drunken condition because I was drunk too.
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