Sad to be quitting my job
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Sad to be quitting my job
Hi all. Seems like great support here and I've been looking through posts and think I probably already know the answer for me.
My situation is I run a company owned by an A and after 5 years of craziness, I am over stressed and truly being made to feel insane. Just want to do my job, but between the really bizarre personal situations he's created that affect the office, the financial issues he's created leaving the solvency of the company in question, multiple rehabs and his marriage falling apart I cannot do this anymore!
He is begging me not to leave and trying to shovel a huge truckload of guilt upon me about the company and him not being able to survive without me. My inner self is saying "RUN!" (and what has taken you so long).
Love to have any of your thoughts on any help reducing my feeling of sadness (and yes, guilt) for the team I'm leaving and the job I really loved. Don't have another job and am somewhat afraid because there really aren't many options in my very small town, but at the same time really do know he will drag me down with him.
Thanks for listening!
My situation is I run a company owned by an A and after 5 years of craziness, I am over stressed and truly being made to feel insane. Just want to do my job, but between the really bizarre personal situations he's created that affect the office, the financial issues he's created leaving the solvency of the company in question, multiple rehabs and his marriage falling apart I cannot do this anymore!
He is begging me not to leave and trying to shovel a huge truckload of guilt upon me about the company and him not being able to survive without me. My inner self is saying "RUN!" (and what has taken you so long).
Love to have any of your thoughts on any help reducing my feeling of sadness (and yes, guilt) for the team I'm leaving and the job I really loved. Don't have another job and am somewhat afraid because there really aren't many options in my very small town, but at the same time really do know he will drag me down with him.
Thanks for listening!
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Hi, Filly.
IMHO - if you inner self says run, then run.
Toxic people are notorious for their "wonderful" ability to place quilt on someone else's shoulders. And whatever you do, this will be never enough. Been there, done that.
If you are worried about not having job, maybe, give yourself some time, set a deadline and find another option. Thus you'll also give the owner some time to find some other person to take it over. Surely he will not find anyone, but it's not your business.
I hope this situation will straighten up for you and you'll find another job that won't suck all the energy out of you.
Good luck)
IMHO - if you inner self says run, then run.
Toxic people are notorious for their "wonderful" ability to place quilt on someone else's shoulders. And whatever you do, this will be never enough. Been there, done that.
If you are worried about not having job, maybe, give yourself some time, set a deadline and find another option. Thus you'll also give the owner some time to find some other person to take it over. Surely he will not find anyone, but it's not your business.
I hope this situation will straighten up for you and you'll find another job that won't suck all the energy out of you.
Good luck)
to SR! 
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Where you say he was trying to guilt you into staying by saying he cannot do this without you, I can't help but thinking he can't do this with himself.
Managing a company is nothing I know about. Alcoholism is something I know too much about. I know that a full blown alcoholic is in no position to run a company, and most often an alcoholics life leads to tons of unmanageability. In my opinion you have to worry about yourself before you can worry about anyone else. Sure, it's an honorable thing to go down with the boat, but it's not very practical or conducive to a future.
Do what's best for you, and if it's possible to be helpful to him or the company when doing so then do it. The last thing you want to wake up to in the morning is regret.
Managing a company is nothing I know about. Alcoholism is something I know too much about. I know that a full blown alcoholic is in no position to run a company, and most often an alcoholics life leads to tons of unmanageability. In my opinion you have to worry about yourself before you can worry about anyone else. Sure, it's an honorable thing to go down with the boat, but it's not very practical or conducive to a future.
Do what's best for you, and if it's possible to be helpful to him or the company when doing so then do it. The last thing you want to wake up to in the morning is regret.
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Thanks guys (& gals!). Seems like I'm still kind of reeling and it has me wondering just briefly if I'm the crazy one. I will give appropriate notice and will help where needed and am sad for him and his family as well, but need to extract myself. Already very hard to do so at this point, so I'm assuming it only gets worse from here if we make some kind of deal (that he has made with me before and it just goes by the wayside).
It feels somewhat selfish in a way to do this but I really am not at all confident in the future of the company or what might/could happen to my own reputation due to the association. Just sad all the way around!
It feels somewhat selfish in a way to do this but I really am not at all confident in the future of the company or what might/could happen to my own reputation due to the association. Just sad all the way around!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Filly, I understand your feelings, but:
- you are not crazy)
- though it's certainly a sad situation, you are not one who's selfish here. I'd rather say the owner is more to be accused of that for giving hard times to people who care about him and want to help.
Take care of yourself. Put your oxygen mask first.
- you are not crazy)
- though it's certainly a sad situation, you are not one who's selfish here. I'd rather say the owner is more to be accused of that for giving hard times to people who care about him and want to help.
Take care of yourself. Put your oxygen mask first.
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Actually, I'd have to disagree and say you are selfish to quit - you're doing this for yourself. Being selfish carries a derogatory connotation in today's society, and in fact across much of time itself, but in its' essence it is not always so.
There are times where you have to be selfish, or otherwise perish. Is it selfish for a lion to end another animals life and eat that animal? Yes, that's the epitome of selfishness. It is also necessary and common.
Where I morally draw the line is where my selfishness is unnecessary or hurtful to another. If I can be selfless and it not be too large of a detriment to myself, I am. Sometimes it sets me back a little in finances or time, but it's usually worth it. In a case such as this being selfless would be more then a small setback, in my opinion. It wouldn't be selfless, it would be self-defeating. Also, if you were selfish here and left, you wouldn't be hurting your boss, for he is hurting himself. You are damage control from what it sounds. While you are keeping the business from folding, it reminds me of patching a hole in a dam. At some point the water rips through the patch and there is nothing left of the patch. It is destroyed in the process.
I definitely agree that this is sad, for it always is when a person destroys themselves and what they've built. I've done it to myself many a time. The biggest regret that I have had is not what I've done to myself, but what I've done to others. At the end of the day I heal, I recover. I know this for I am me. But I am not you, and I am not the people that I have hurt. I do not know if they have healed, and that is one of the purposes of the amends process in the AA program, to try to heal the relationships that I have destroyed through the process of my alcoholism so that at the end of the day I am at ease, knowing I have either repaired the damage that I have done or atleast done my best.
Perhaps the best way to be helpful here is to distance yourself, not allow yourself to get hurt, and continue to support him in the best way you can without jeopardizing yourself.
Just my $.02
There are times where you have to be selfish, or otherwise perish. Is it selfish for a lion to end another animals life and eat that animal? Yes, that's the epitome of selfishness. It is also necessary and common.
Where I morally draw the line is where my selfishness is unnecessary or hurtful to another. If I can be selfless and it not be too large of a detriment to myself, I am. Sometimes it sets me back a little in finances or time, but it's usually worth it. In a case such as this being selfless would be more then a small setback, in my opinion. It wouldn't be selfless, it would be self-defeating. Also, if you were selfish here and left, you wouldn't be hurting your boss, for he is hurting himself. You are damage control from what it sounds. While you are keeping the business from folding, it reminds me of patching a hole in a dam. At some point the water rips through the patch and there is nothing left of the patch. It is destroyed in the process.
I definitely agree that this is sad, for it always is when a person destroys themselves and what they've built. I've done it to myself many a time. The biggest regret that I have had is not what I've done to myself, but what I've done to others. At the end of the day I heal, I recover. I know this for I am me. But I am not you, and I am not the people that I have hurt. I do not know if they have healed, and that is one of the purposes of the amends process in the AA program, to try to heal the relationships that I have destroyed through the process of my alcoholism so that at the end of the day I am at ease, knowing I have either repaired the damage that I have done or atleast done my best.
Perhaps the best way to be helpful here is to distance yourself, not allow yourself to get hurt, and continue to support him in the best way you can without jeopardizing yourself.
Just my $.02
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Great and supporting responses each and all. I really like your thoughts MidnightBlue as it does help me look at his selfish behavior in contrast to what I consider my selfish thoughts here.
SteveT - You are very WISE! I especially appreciate your perspective as it gives me a peek into my boss's motivations and thought processes. I like everything you had to say and appreciate it more than I can say.
Fandy - I'm somewhat fortunate that my husband is well-employed and we won't starve although it hits us squarely in our plans for the future as we are in our mid-fifties. Most of what is sad for me is that this job is/was so important to me mentally and the successes I feel through doing it and the relationships I've been able to create with people. But I'm not the type to sit around, therefore more than anything, I am really scared that will happen if I don't find or create something else - along with how much I will miss my friends/team.
Uninvited - I love, love, love the idea of more money! Same one I hear a lot from my gang but it doesn't fix things for me in this case. What I have been dealing with and will have to put up with as it appears to be spiraling downward is extemely stressful and hurtful to me and I've got to watch my health or all is lost! On principle, I just can't stand by and watch how the staff, customers and I are being treated and not make a stand!
You guys are great - each response as assisted me as I am becoming more firm in my decision and most importantly supportive of myself in "owning" it. Thank you so much!
SteveT - You are very WISE! I especially appreciate your perspective as it gives me a peek into my boss's motivations and thought processes. I like everything you had to say and appreciate it more than I can say.
Fandy - I'm somewhat fortunate that my husband is well-employed and we won't starve although it hits us squarely in our plans for the future as we are in our mid-fifties. Most of what is sad for me is that this job is/was so important to me mentally and the successes I feel through doing it and the relationships I've been able to create with people. But I'm not the type to sit around, therefore more than anything, I am really scared that will happen if I don't find or create something else - along with how much I will miss my friends/team.
Uninvited - I love, love, love the idea of more money! Same one I hear a lot from my gang but it doesn't fix things for me in this case. What I have been dealing with and will have to put up with as it appears to be spiraling downward is extemely stressful and hurtful to me and I've got to watch my health or all is lost! On principle, I just can't stand by and watch how the staff, customers and I are being treated and not make a stand!
You guys are great - each response as assisted me as I am becoming more firm in my decision and most importantly supportive of myself in "owning" it. Thank you so much!
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If at all possible never quit a job unless you have a new one waiting. I've no doubt there are worse run companies owned by sober folks, some of them public. Do you have alcohol problems yourself or no?
RIP Sweet Suki
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If the job is causing you difficulties and you don't really need to work, then go ahead and do whatever is best for your own health. Most of us don't have the luxury of quitting our jobs without another one lined up, but if that isn't a problem for you, then do whatever you feel is right.
I work in a large law firm and one of the attorneys I was assigned to was a real azzhole. I had to gauge his mood when he came in each day and if it was bad (which it usually was), I'd try to make my self small and unnoticed. After 12 years of that, it started wearing on me to the point I would wake up some mornings with hives all over my body. I was looking around for other jobs, but there's just not much out there where I'd make the same money and I had been with the firm for 23 years. I'm not a spring chicken and I have no other income coming in, so I figured I'd just tough it out as best I could. Luckily enough, he left the firm about 6 weeks ago and things have been fantastic ever since!
We spend so much time at or jobs that it's just not worth it to be unhappy on a regular basis. No job is perfect, but if you are miserable more than you are content, then I say move on, if at all possible. Good luck to you!
I work in a large law firm and one of the attorneys I was assigned to was a real azzhole. I had to gauge his mood when he came in each day and if it was bad (which it usually was), I'd try to make my self small and unnoticed. After 12 years of that, it started wearing on me to the point I would wake up some mornings with hives all over my body. I was looking around for other jobs, but there's just not much out there where I'd make the same money and I had been with the firm for 23 years. I'm not a spring chicken and I have no other income coming in, so I figured I'd just tough it out as best I could. Luckily enough, he left the firm about 6 weeks ago and things have been fantastic ever since!
We spend so much time at or jobs that it's just not worth it to be unhappy on a regular basis. No job is perfect, but if you are miserable more than you are content, then I say move on, if at all possible. Good luck to you!
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Originally Posted by foolsgold66 
If at all possible never quit a job unless you have a new one waiting. I've no doubt there are worse run companies owned by sober folks, some of them public. Do you have alcohol problems yourself or no?
This is really a hard one for me and the rational "keep the job til you find another one", "don't quit a paycheck" and other such real world issues leave me without much strength or hope for my own future - they aren't getting it done in my mind. Plus this is exactly what I've been doing for 4 of the 5 years I've been there - the "sucking it up" has to come to some type of an end.
. It's almost as if I can't think straight under these circumstances. All not to say I'm powerless, just trying to decide how best to use my powers!!
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Originally Posted by suki44883
If the job is causing you difficulties and you don't really need to work, then go ahead and do whatever is best for your own health. Most of us don't have the luxury of quitting our jobs without another one lined up, but if that isn't a problem for you, then do whatever you feel is right.
I work in a large law firm and one of the attorneys I was assigned to was a real azzhole. I had to gauge his mood when he came in each day and if it was bad (which it usually was), I'd try to make my self small and unnoticed. After 12 years of that, it started wearing on me to the point I would wake up some mornings with hives all over my body. I was looking around for other jobs, but there's just not much out there where I'd make the same money and I had been with the firm for 23 years. I'm not a spring chicken and I have no other income coming in, so I figured I'd just tough it out as best I could. Luckily enough, he left the firm about 6 weeks ago and things have been fantastic ever since!
We spend so much time at or jobs that it's just not worth it to be unhappy on a regular basis. No job is perfect, but if you are miserable more than you are content, then I say move on, if at all possible. Good luck to you!
I work in a large law firm and one of the attorneys I was assigned to was a real azzhole. I had to gauge his mood when he came in each day and if it was bad (which it usually was), I'd try to make my self small and unnoticed. After 12 years of that, it started wearing on me to the point I would wake up some mornings with hives all over my body. I was looking around for other jobs, but there's just not much out there where I'd make the same money and I had been with the firm for 23 years. I'm not a spring chicken and I have no other income coming in, so I figured I'd just tough it out as best I could. Luckily enough, he left the firm about 6 weeks ago and things have been fantastic ever since!
We spend so much time at or jobs that it's just not worth it to be unhappy on a regular basis. No job is perfect, but if you are miserable more than you are content, then I say move on, if at all possible. Good luck to you!
I hear you! I don't think waiting this one out will be successful - it's the pure insanity that gets to me and has me thinking and acting irrationally and emotionally and I don't like to see that in myself. Kind of the same thing as a toxic relationship, you really don't often realize how your own behaviors change so drastically. I feel like a crazy person most times - or that I'm surrounded by crazy the rest of the time. Rational conversations, basic logic, professionalism, good employee and customer relations along with basic common sense are out the window on this one! Thank you for encouraging me to think this through as I do know things can change - just reviewing the history and hoping still underneath it all for a win-win.
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al-anon....go
why give a drunk all the power in your life. "poor victim" is a common role we children of alcoholics play. give yourself 2 weeks of al-anon then make the decision, take control of your own boat, which after a period of time is too take care of yourself, then move on, but be damn sure in this lousy economy
peace and luck
why give a drunk all the power in your life. "poor victim" is a common role we children of alcoholics play. give yourself 2 weeks of al-anon then make the decision, take control of your own boat, which after a period of time is too take care of yourself, then move on, but be damn sure in this lousy economy
peace and luck
RIP Sweet Suki
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Originally Posted by Filly
I hear you! I don't think waiting this one out will be successful - it's the pure insanity that gets to me and has me thinking and acting irrationally and emotionally and I don't like to see that in myself. Kind of the same thing as a toxic relationship, you really don't often realize how your own behaviors change so drastically. I feel like a crazy person most times - or that I'm surrounded by crazy the rest of the time. Rational conversations, basic logic, professionalism, good employee and customer relations along with basic common sense are out the window on this one! Thank you for encouraging me to think this through as I do know things can change - just reviewing the history and hoping still underneath it all for a win-win.
Things are so much more relaxed now. I don't feel so defensive and don't dread having to listen to the F bomb being shouted all day long. I've always liked my job, but I didn't like working for that particular attorney. Now that he's gone, I'm really enjoying my job again.
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Originally Posted by dhg66
al-anon....go
why give a drunk all the power in your life. "poor victim" is a common role we children of alcoholics play. give yourself 2 weeks of al-anon then make the decision, take control of your own boat, which after a period of time is too take care of yourself, then move on, but be damn sure in this lousy economy
peace and luck
why give a drunk all the power in your life. "poor victim" is a common role we children of alcoholics play. give yourself 2 weeks of al-anon then make the decision, take control of your own boat, which after a period of time is too take care of yourself, then move on, but be damn sure in this lousy economy
peace and luck
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Originally Posted by suki44883
You're right! We do change. I would find myself grumpy and grouchy a lot of the time and that's just not how I normally am. I was constantly "on guard" and defensive. We tend to adapt to the environment around us and it was just so tense so much of the time that I picked up on that in my own personality.
Things are so much more relaxed now. I don't feel so defensive and don't dread having to listen to the F bomb being shouted all day long. I've always liked my job, but I didn't like working for that particular attorney. Now that he's gone, I'm really enjoying my job again.
Things are so much more relaxed now. I don't feel so defensive and don't dread having to listen to the F bomb being shouted all day long. I've always liked my job, but I didn't like working for that particular attorney. Now that he's gone, I'm really enjoying my job again.
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Well, I left a 'toxic' company after 13 years with no job lined up so I'm no stranger to this situation, and your posts all make great sense to me now that you gave us some additional details.
When I left I had a safety net of savings and a supportive partner. Seems to me like you have pretty much the same support and won't be living on the streets due to your decision.
I don't think you are being selfish at all. Jobs are what we do to pay for our lives. They are not our lives, and when a job becomes become unbearable, it's time to move on.
The future will play itself out how it chooses. You could actually be doing your A boss a favor in the endgame .
When I left I had a safety net of savings and a supportive partner. Seems to me like you have pretty much the same support and won't be living on the streets due to your decision.
I don't think you are being selfish at all. Jobs are what we do to pay for our lives. They are not our lives, and when a job becomes become unbearable, it's time to move on.
The future will play itself out how it chooses. You could actually be doing your A boss a favor in the endgame .
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