I have no sober people in my life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: the coast
Posts: 246
I have no sober people in my life
I'm 23. all my friends drink like crazy on the weekend. my parents drink. extended family is full of alcoholics. I'm just not sure where I go from here-everything social involves drinking, and people telling me I'm being dramatic saying I have a drinking problem. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 130
Do what is important for you. I was in the same situation as you. Let then feel like crap, while you accomplish more and feel better. No one will pin you down and make you drink, if there is drunk drama just walk away. Hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 64
I don't know if you've considered a 12 step program like aa but you could start to make new friends in some of those meetings. And don't listen to anyone trying to tell you you're being dramatic. I had the same thing. In my situation, it was people who were afraid that admitting I was an alcoholic might mean they had a problem too. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
If you want to quit drinking there are many recovery options to choose from. I can empathize with your situation greatly. Listen to that inner voice. I do not think you are being dramatic at all. We are here for support.
Nothing Left to do but Smile.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 808
I used to think everyone around me drank till I stopped drinking. Then I started noticing that everyone around me didn't drink and I started hanging out more with the people that didn't. Now after 16 months, I don't really have anyone around me that drinks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: the coast
Posts: 246
Thanks so much Jade. My plan is to start AA this week. I definitely need the sober support, other than online on SR which is my safe haven. My parents laughed at me when I told them I thought I was an alcoholic. Drinking to excess on the weekends (which is what I do) is completely normal to them and my family. The just don't understand that I have depression and anxiety which is BECAUSE of drinking and getting drunk every Saturday.
I hope this isn't stupid but my dog is the only sober support right now. I'm staying sober for her-so I can care for her like she should be cared for.
And my friends-don't get me started. I'm the punchline of the joke for not drinking, being the "*****". Funny thing is I'm sure some of them have problems too.
I hope this isn't stupid but my dog is the only sober support right now. I'm staying sober for her-so I can care for her like she should be cared for.
And my friends-don't get me started. I'm the punchline of the joke for not drinking, being the "*****". Funny thing is I'm sure some of them have problems too.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by joshlyman 
Thanks so much Jade. My plan is to start AA this week. I definitely need the sober support, other than online on SR which is my safe haven. My parents laughed at me when I told them I thought I was an alcoholic. Drinking to excess on the weekends (which is what I do) is completely normal to them and my family. The just don't understand that I have depression and anxiety which is BECAUSE of drinking and getting drunk every Saturday.
I hope this isn't stupid but my dog is the only sober support right now. I'm staying sober for her-so I can care for her like she should be cared for.
And my friends-don't get me started. I'm the punchline of the joke for not drinking, being the "*****". Funny thing is I'm sure some of them have problems too.
I hope this isn't stupid but my dog is the only sober support right now. I'm staying sober for her-so I can care for her like she should be cared for.
And my friends-don't get me started. I'm the punchline of the joke for not drinking, being the "*****". Funny thing is I'm sure some of them have problems too.
I am sorry to hear of the lack of support. We are here for you. Yes, your dog is the perfect reason to stay sober. She needs to be cared for. In these moments you will find out who your true friends are Joshlyman. Also, AA is a great place to meet sober people. There will be a lot of face to face support there. Your anxiety and depression can clear up with some sober time under you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Joshlyman, this is something just about everybody has to deal with when they are in the initial stages of getting sober. There's a social angst about it all the time. And then there are the people around the person who says s/he's an alcoholic; they call the person a drama queen. They will probably advise that you go off drinking once in a while or just switch to light beer or some other fancy formula. Meanwhile, you have probably already tried that or wished that.
The truth is there is no easy remedy for the concern we have over people calling us dramatic or for their misguided thinking. Those other people could be alcoholics too or they could be regular drinkers without addiction. Either way, they are on their own path. It's not for anybody but YOU to have something to say about your own path. At the extreme end, you might have to lose a few friends. If it's not that bad, great. But it has to be all about you and your decision to be free of the pain of addiction. That's the path you're on. So everything you do has to be in support of that path. You need people around you who support your resolve not to drink. You need to have a consistent behaviour pattern that will help you to stick with your goals. You may need to change certain things about your attitude. Some people say you have to change a lot about yourself. But I say it all depends. I believe in doing what it takes to make you feel good about the path of sobriety you want to take. I believe in making that the priority in the face of being ridiculed by others and potentially losing the others as friends. I believe in giving yourself credit for the progress you make. And I believe in drawing upon the best of whoever has something good to say about recovery. Sometimes that's a person in AA, sometimes it's somebody who doesn't use AA. Find what works for you.
The truth is there is no easy remedy for the concern we have over people calling us dramatic or for their misguided thinking. Those other people could be alcoholics too or they could be regular drinkers without addiction. Either way, they are on their own path. It's not for anybody but YOU to have something to say about your own path. At the extreme end, you might have to lose a few friends. If it's not that bad, great. But it has to be all about you and your decision to be free of the pain of addiction. That's the path you're on. So everything you do has to be in support of that path. You need people around you who support your resolve not to drink. You need to have a consistent behaviour pattern that will help you to stick with your goals. You may need to change certain things about your attitude. Some people say you have to change a lot about yourself. But I say it all depends. I believe in doing what it takes to make you feel good about the path of sobriety you want to take. I believe in making that the priority in the face of being ridiculed by others and potentially losing the others as friends. I believe in giving yourself credit for the progress you make. And I believe in drawing upon the best of whoever has something good to say about recovery. Sometimes that's a person in AA, sometimes it's somebody who doesn't use AA. Find what works for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Joshlyman, I go to NA mainly. In NA there are many young people. They consider alcohol a drug. I mean many, many young people your age who have problems with alcohol and or drugs or both.
It is an awesome fellowship. You will make many friends there. The young people go out and do fun stuff and it may not seem like fun to you right now but it will when you appreciate sobriety.
They go bowling, play softball. NA usually has an event every month in my area. This month is a Halloween Party with a DJ. We have a blast.
September was a beach cookout on Labor day. Please check it out.
Bonfire meetings too!
I'll get u a list of meetings if u want, let me know
It is an awesome fellowship. You will make many friends there. The young people go out and do fun stuff and it may not seem like fun to you right now but it will when you appreciate sobriety.
They go bowling, play softball. NA usually has an event every month in my area. This month is a Halloween Party with a DJ. We have a blast.
September was a beach cookout on Labor day. Please check it out.
Bonfire meetings too!
I'll get u a list of meetings if u want, let me know
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Looks like you got enough sober people here to form a conga line, joshly.
Seriously though, I can imagine how it feels. At 23, it seems like everyone is drinking, like that's the foundation of social events. I know it did for me. But looking back, I wonder if maybe that was just birds of a feather drinking together. I meet people now who had radically different experiences in their 20s because they didn't waste the decade doing the same old thing, chasing the same old buzz, having the same tired old conversations with other drinkers. And my drinking buddies always told me I was fine, I didn't have a problem, year after year after year. A lot of them are approaching 50 now, and still drinking...
So in a sense, I was in the same boat as you, needing to find new things to do, new people to be around. I started trying new things, like taking up the ukulele, and joining a local music club I found online. (Do they have meetup.com in your part of the world? Great way to meet people based on mutual interests and activities.) I also started targeting certain times to hang out with old friends who still drank—meeting them for breakfast, for example, or inviting them to go kayaking or play tennis or whatever.
You're making the right choice. Listen to yourself. I wish I had taken a hard look at my drinking at your age. I know it's a massive adjustment, but you're setting yourself up for much more rewarding experiences.
Seriously though, I can imagine how it feels. At 23, it seems like everyone is drinking, like that's the foundation of social events. I know it did for me. But looking back, I wonder if maybe that was just birds of a feather drinking together. I meet people now who had radically different experiences in their 20s because they didn't waste the decade doing the same old thing, chasing the same old buzz, having the same tired old conversations with other drinkers. And my drinking buddies always told me I was fine, I didn't have a problem, year after year after year. A lot of them are approaching 50 now, and still drinking...
So in a sense, I was in the same boat as you, needing to find new things to do, new people to be around. I started trying new things, like taking up the ukulele, and joining a local music club I found online. (Do they have meetup.com in your part of the world? Great way to meet people based on mutual interests and activities.) I also started targeting certain times to hang out with old friends who still drank—meeting them for breakfast, for example, or inviting them to go kayaking or play tennis or whatever.
You're making the right choice. Listen to yourself. I wish I had taken a hard look at my drinking at your age. I know it's a massive adjustment, but you're setting yourself up for much more rewarding experiences.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,632
Hi Josh -
Glad to hear that you're checking out AA/NA. Finding hobbies or activities that don't involve drinking is also a good way to meet people who don't drink. Rock climbing, cycling, playing music, etc.
Perhaps some of your friends drink because it's the easy thing to do on a weekend to be social and might be up for different, fun activities if you plan something different as well.
In terms of family - you can also ask for their support in your journey to become your best self even if the term 'alcoholic' is interpreted differently. IE, if you were an athlete and training with a diet, eating cookies wouldn't be supportive way to help you reach your goal.
Finally, you may choose to spend some time away from socializing in the very beginning because it's the best thing for your sobriety. If this is the case, please do know that the friends will come with time.
Glad to hear that you're checking out AA/NA. Finding hobbies or activities that don't involve drinking is also a good way to meet people who don't drink. Rock climbing, cycling, playing music, etc.
Perhaps some of your friends drink because it's the easy thing to do on a weekend to be social and might be up for different, fun activities if you plan something different as well.
In terms of family - you can also ask for their support in your journey to become your best self even if the term 'alcoholic' is interpreted differently. IE, if you were an athlete and training with a diet, eating cookies wouldn't be supportive way to help you reach your goal.
Finally, you may choose to spend some time away from socializing in the very beginning because it's the best thing for your sobriety. If this is the case, please do know that the friends will come with time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: M.V., California
Posts: 1
I have the exact opposite in my life. Everyone in my family is sober or if they do drink it is very little. When I drink I do it alone so nobody knows what I'm doing. So, whether people around you are drinking or not it is a choice you need to make for yourself and how you want to live. I hate how I feel about myself. I want to lay my head down at night knowing I am in control of my life and do productive things rather than somebody who is drinking and not doing anything good in life.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: London
Posts: 130
Out of all my friends I only have one who doesn't drink and that's for medical reasons, not because she's got a drinking problem.
My friends instantly accept she sticks to soft drinks because of her condition but because I would go out and drink with them before they're always astounded when I say I won't be drinking alcohol when out with them and laugh and tell me I have no choice and go straight to the bar and buy me a shot which is really awkward.
Now I just change the social situations in which I see my friends. I go for lunch or dinner with them and the pressure is off to drink. If they choose to have a glass of wine or something with their meal it doesn't bother me at all to the point I don't even realise there is alcohol there on the table. I just stick to a Diet Coke or whatever. Meeting up with friends in the day means my friends are less likely to be in the mood to drink too because they drink on a night out so that makes it easier.
If they all go for a night out I just make my excuses - I know I can see them another time, it means I don't drink and, to be honest, even if I did go and didn't drink, I don't think it's much fun when everyone else is a little bit drunk and they're all hanging off your shoulder and shouting in your ear when you're sober lol.
Try seeing if you can see them in different situations and social settings.
My friends instantly accept she sticks to soft drinks because of her condition but because I would go out and drink with them before they're always astounded when I say I won't be drinking alcohol when out with them and laugh and tell me I have no choice and go straight to the bar and buy me a shot which is really awkward.
Now I just change the social situations in which I see my friends. I go for lunch or dinner with them and the pressure is off to drink. If they choose to have a glass of wine or something with their meal it doesn't bother me at all to the point I don't even realise there is alcohol there on the table. I just stick to a Diet Coke or whatever. Meeting up with friends in the day means my friends are less likely to be in the mood to drink too because they drink on a night out so that makes it easier.
If they all go for a night out I just make my excuses - I know I can see them another time, it means I don't drink and, to be honest, even if I did go and didn't drink, I don't think it's much fun when everyone else is a little bit drunk and they're all hanging off your shoulder and shouting in your ear when you're sober lol.
Try seeing if you can see them in different situations and social settings.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 59
I can certainly relate to you. All of my friends drink, I'd consider the majority to have drinking problems too but they don't see it that way, yet...
This may sound harsh but you need to focus on yourself and put your social-life in the back-seat for a while (it's hard and can be lonely).
I've really struggled to find people around our age who don't view drinking as an integral part of any activity, hell if you'd asked me a few months back I'd have been the same.
I'm joining a gym at the end of the month as I know (I use the term loosely) a few people go there, hopefully they'll have some suggestions. Maybe there I'll meet new people who have other hobbies but even if I don't it's healthier than 8 hours in bars after work.
If, like me, you've spent years doing nothing but drinking (drugs etc.) for fun it's likely all your friends have been doing the same and therefore aren't really going to be help out. It's horrible but hardly surprising I guess.
This may sound harsh but you need to focus on yourself and put your social-life in the back-seat for a while (it's hard and can be lonely).
I've really struggled to find people around our age who don't view drinking as an integral part of any activity, hell if you'd asked me a few months back I'd have been the same.
I'm joining a gym at the end of the month as I know (I use the term loosely) a few people go there, hopefully they'll have some suggestions. Maybe there I'll meet new people who have other hobbies but even if I don't it's healthier than 8 hours in bars after work.
If, like me, you've spent years doing nothing but drinking (drugs etc.) for fun it's likely all your friends have been doing the same and therefore aren't really going to be help out. It's horrible but hardly surprising I guess.
No half measures
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: State of Confusion
Posts: 424
Jman
I want to say it is fantastic that somebody as young as yourself is a smart as you are. Most of us had to ruin our lives of 20 or 30 years before we caught on to the fact that alcohol was ruining our lives.
The AA suggestion is great one but I would like to add a couple of things. There is a subset of AA called young people in aa YPAA you may wish to check out. Also most colleges and universities have an AA group. Coffee shops are also another good place to meet people whose lives do not revolve around alcohol. find places were alcohol is not served you will find people that do not drink or drink normally.
Once again congratulations on deciding to get your life back
I want to say it is fantastic that somebody as young as yourself is a smart as you are. Most of us had to ruin our lives of 20 or 30 years before we caught on to the fact that alcohol was ruining our lives.
The AA suggestion is great one but I would like to add a couple of things. There is a subset of AA called young people in aa YPAA you may wish to check out. Also most colleges and universities have an AA group. Coffee shops are also another good place to meet people whose lives do not revolve around alcohol. find places were alcohol is not served you will find people that do not drink or drink normally.
Once again congratulations on deciding to get your life back
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 164
I'm in the same spot as you and it can be difficult. I'm 25 and drinking is the primary social activity of most of my friends. While it is crystal clear to me that I'm an alcoholic, it is completely unfathomable to my friends. I've told them before about my drinking problem, yet they have seemed all too willing to give me a drink afterwards.
I have tried being the dry drunk while still hanging out with those friends, and it didn't really work for me. I definitely needed the support of people in AA just for the camraderie and for the reminder of the alcoholic that I am. Not that I'm going to give up those friends completely, but I found I did have to significantly limit the time I spent with them.
I have tried being the dry drunk while still hanging out with those friends, and it didn't really work for me. I definitely needed the support of people in AA just for the camraderie and for the reminder of the alcoholic that I am. Not that I'm going to give up those friends completely, but I found I did have to significantly limit the time I spent with them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Josh, stick with your guns, PLEASE. When I was in college, I came home one weekend and told my parents that I thought I had a drinking problem. I was ridiculed and called dramatic. I was told to "just control it." I am now in my 40s admitting to myself that I do indeed have a problem with alcohol. I faced this most recently because I have watched my mother go into full-blown alcoholism (drinking in the mornings, going on 3 day benders, coming to family functions in the middle of the afternoon, wasted) and knowing that if I didn't change my habits, I would become just like her. You know in your heart what is right for you. Stop now and you will never regret it. Like you, I am struggling to meet people who do not drink. I try to make more of my social life during the day (lunches, meeting for coffee, etc.) so things aren't so centered around alcohol. Stay strong. My college roommate went to AA when we were in college and stayed sober for all of this time. (again, we are now in our 40s) She is very successful and beautiful. She has her dream job in the radio industry. I admire her for figuring this all out early and staying strong. Good luck and great future for you, Josh. The best is yet to come . . . . .
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