pointpelee

I have been dating a recovered alcoholic of 30 years. He was so caring, loving and affectionate in the beginning but is now controlling and seems to want me to be there for him all the time whether he wants to be bothered with me or not.

At times he ignores me and wants to be left alone for the whole evening. He smokes pot every night and then falls asleep. Tells me that I think everything is about me. In fact, everything is about him. It's either his way or no way.

I love the guy but I am really getting scared. Please help!

P.S. He also has no clue how to handle money. If he has it he spends it ALL!!

Also goes to the casino and gambles

suki44883

Well, I'm not sure what you want us to do. The guy sounds like a jerk, which may or may not have anything to do with him smoking pot.

Why are you scared? Has he abused you in any way? Do you live with him? What keeps you in this relationship? I think you deserve better.

pointpelee

He wants us to move in together and even though I am crazy about him it scares me. Do alcoholics act this way? I have had no previous experience and don't understand.

suki44883

If he really is sober for 30 years, then anything he does isn't alcohol related. Again, he sounds like a jerk. Why would you consider moving in with him? My advice is to run as far and as fast as you can away from him. He sounds like a control freak.

Nuudawn

What is it that you love about this man? The life that he lives...is it a life you can picture yourself living in? Although no longer using alcohol, he is a chronic pot smoker and perhaps compulsive gambler.

What do you see for your own future? What things do you do together that you enjoy?

pointpelee

I guess I am just an old fool!! I'm 64 years old and he is 69. I am lonely and he did make me feel so loved in the beginning. I hear you and have my answer. I was just hoping for someone to spend the last leg of my life with.
Thanks

suki44883

You're not a fool. Many women fall for guys who turn on the charm at first and then reveal their true colors. There are men out there who aren't jerks and who deserve someone like you. This guy doesn't deserve you. You can do better. I'm sorry this one didn't work out, but you really do deserve better than this guy. ((((HUGS))))

Hevyn

Pointpelee - I agree you are not an old fool. You also don't have to settle for a person who isn't treasuring you - I'm sure this is not your last chance for happiness. Being crazy about him will fade if he has that many negative traits - and you'll miss out on the chance of being with someone who puts your needs above his own. (Trust me, they are out there. )

pointpelee

Thank you so very much! I really needed to hear you!! I didn't know if it was because of the alcoholism addiction in the past or it was just the man himself. Yes, it turns out that he is a gambler and has asked me to wait for him to get home from the casino because he wanted to spend the night with me. I didn't. I went home.

suki44883

Good for you!!!

I am so proud of you!! You done good!

I do have to warn you though, to be ready for the phone call and the excuses and the promises that things will be better. He's counting on you to be there for him and will say whatever he thinks will convince you that you should give it another chance.

Don't fall for it. I can guarantee you that after a very short time, things will go back to the way they are now. You deserve better.

Anna

I'm sorry that you got taken in by this guy and that you are hurting. But, good for you for walking away.

Mizzuno

Good. You went home. I think you may need to make some decisions regarding this man and how you want to live your life.

EndGameNYC

Hi pointpelee.

Circumstances in our lives often convince us that no matter how repulsive the person we're with is at a given time, he/she represents our last chance for happiness, companionship, and love. When we harbor such beliefs without reflecting on them or confronting them as the fallacy that they are, the relationship never goes well, most often ending in tears.

I've seen this dozens of times in my life, and have made such choices myself. In fact, I followed in my father's footsteps. (The situation I've described is also a popular subject in film and literature.) When my dad was dying of cancer in 1995, I spent as much time as I could with him, and adjusted my schedule so as to be available for things like hospital visits and radiation therapy.

My dad had married his secretary (yes, that actually happens) soon after he and my alcoholic mother (now sober for thirty three years) divorced. Without going into details, his new bride was an utterly despicable human being. I don't know who, but somewhere along the line, someone told me about a traumatic event during her childhood that, from what I was told, did not include any known sexual or physical abuse. Though this helped me to understand her better -- in fact, the picture became crystal clear -- it was still impossible for me to feel compassion for the person I knew her to be as an adult.

When I spent time with my father, I asked him hundreds of questions about his life, dreams, fears, disappointments...everything. A few days before he died, I asked him, "Why did you marry Cynthia?" He actually said the words..."I thought she was my last chance to be happy." I just didn't have the heart to ask whether or not happiness is what he found with her.

CaliButterfly

Pointpelee, my heart goes out to you. You don't love him, you love an illusion, what you thought he was, not who he IS. He is an addict. Addicts often transfer one addiction for another. Once he used alcohol, now it is pot. With the gambling and financial lack of control, it sounds like he has no sense of control in his life. He needs some kind of fix, an external source of happiness. And because you aren't in your 20's or 30's, it feels like that's all there is and you don't want to spend the rest of your life alone. But ask yourself this - would you rather be in a relationship with a selfish narcissist that doesn't truly love you and just makes you miserable? You have no chance at happiness if you are looking for it in the wrong place. I wasted 8 years with a man, holding on to someone that I wanted him to be, and refused to look at who he really was. Once I did, I walked away, and I was scared. Scared to be alone. But you can't change anyone but yourself. And once you make better choices, your happiness will follow. I am newly in recovery after relapse, but I have to love me enough to be good to myself. Love yourself and you will find someone that sees that and will love you too and treat you the way you deserve. You are 64 years young, and plenty of men would be lucky to have you. Let go, and you will fly.

pointpelee

Thank you for all of your kindness!! I really do need to learn to love myself more. I know that. Hopefully it's not too late. Maybe I need to go to Al Anon.

CaliButterfly

It's never too late to love yourself. Al Anon is for people who want to understand the disease of addiction, and that could help you understand him. However, it will not, under any circumstances, change him, especially if what he sees he is doing is not a problem. And remember, how he treats you goes beyond addiction. So while Al Anon will give you wonderful insight and tools how to deal with his problems, it will not change how he treats you. Love yourself enough to walk away instead of being a toy on a bookshelf.

sugarbear1

sounds like he's alcohol free for 30 years, but I wouldn't call him sober.

you deserve more than what he offers you, in my opinion.

EndGameNYC

Outstanding comments, Cali.

Yes, he feels completely out of control (as well he should). So, in a maladaptive effort to compensate, he's trying to control pointpelee. If it weren't her, it would be someone else. If she leaves, he's likely to spiral completely out of control. She needs to be on call for him, or just be there for him 24/7. And when he doesn't need her, he can just put her back in the closet until he needs to feel in control again. This is the kind of thing people in AA are referring to when they talk about "taking a hostage."

CaliButterfly

EndGame, you hit it right on the head. When you can't control yourself, you try to control others. Part of the control is initially drawing someone in to believe they can be a wonderful, caring person. Then when the partner is "hooked", they take them emotionally hostage and don't hold themselves accountable.

MythOfSisyphus

The weed is at least as bad as the booze. But it sounds like his real problem is he's an a$$hole. You're better off without him.

Welcome to SR, but the way!