Mentium

Coming up to 50 days here in a couple of days. I have been pretty OK for much of the last few weeks, but following a dreadful AA meeting last night (I left because it was so full of BS..) I have felt...compromised.

Today I have been wallowing in some of the reasons why alcohol became a crutch - poor concentration (probably never diagnosed ADHD - my generation didn't know about it..), restlessness, a degree of hypochondria - all things alcohol deadened and made go away for a few hours every evening.

Now I am sober those things seem to be emerging again. AA knows about this too! That's what the steps are really about from my perspective - battling the demons, big and small, that make you prone to drinking as some sort of 'solution'.

I am not going to drink today. But I need to think more about what I do next to deal with some of these issues. ..oh - have started 'mindful meditation' but only a couple of 20 minute goes so far..

Nuudawn

Thanks for the post Mentium. Your day sounds much like the one I had on Wednesday. Every so often it seems we have days that really test the sobriety metal huh? And like you, I too am pondering the very real possibility of having ADD. I was diagnosed low end of the spectrum a year or so ago whilst still drinking. I feel like sobriety is amping up my symptoms. It's been weighing on my mind alot and I have come to the realization that I have to be vigilant in my self care...exercise, nutrition, adequate sleep, mindfulness, ensuring I have "play time", laughter and sunshine on the life menu etc etc.

One of the things I thought about today is how important "decompression" is. I know that I used alcohol and cigarettes as a way to decompress. Now that those vices are out of the equation...well, I still need to decompress when pressure mounts. That was a big realization for me...that I need to allow for decompression and find ways to do that.

Mentium

For decompression read 'relax' in my case. I lay down for half an hour at about 5.00 this afternoon and half dozed off. Helped a lot!

I would dearly love to be able to simply concentrate. In my working life I ended up translating government policy documents into practice 'on the ground' in schools and children's services. I used to read the heavy duty documents at home after a couple of glasses of wine. It was the only time I could sit still long enough to absorb all that crap.

Sadly as time went on although I could sit still and read it all, I simply forgot it by the next day! Lol!

..the couple of glasses ended up - of course - ultimately a couple of bottles.

575

The first three steps are about arresting our compulsion, the rest are about dealing with the deamons. The last two are about serenity - at least from my perspective.

SOmeone around this place has the tag line: "I can't drown my demons, they swim!"

Demons are mortal!

Nuudawn

I understand what you're saying. I just starting taking the amino acid L-tyrosine yesterday to boost my motivation and focus. I do not want to go the pharmaceutical route re ADD. If I see benefit, will let ya know..if you're interested.

jaynie04

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. Some of the things that came to light as being part of the symptoms were things that I had brushed off as quirks, who knew. I never close cupboards or drawers, I have noise anxiety, I used to have to move out to a hotel during finals so I could study. I just thought I was high maintenance.

I used alcohol to dull down the fact that I over process things. Now being newly sober I feel like I am flailing in the wind. I am an overachiever, so if it can't be done perfectly I don't do it all all. Or if it is not interesting to me I am on to the next thing. Sobriety is like being hit over the hit with a sensory sledgehammer. And I also came off of benzos which I had been on for over 10 years for a pain condition. I used to pour the hugest glass of wine just to walk into my office at home, otherwise the overwhelmingness would be unbearable. I used to wonder how I functioned working in a noisy workspace when I was young, strangely I think the external noise cancelled out my internal noise. I feel more anxious and overwhelmed when I am in completely solitude even though I often seek it out.

I get where you are at. I realized early on that I can't attach my sobriety to any one thing, because I am all or nothing it makes it too precarious for me. I am trying to be a participant observer on my own journey. Finally understanding what the driving force was between what seemed like a lot of inconsequential choices I have made in the past is a huge piece of information. When I hear of others struggling with this I am not surprised.

Mentium

Nuudawn - would be very interested in your experience with L- tyrosine.

Jaynie - I think I am probably getting on in years for a diagnosis of ADHD to do me much good, but a lot of what you describe applies to me.

If there is a conclusion here it seems to be that the reason alcohol is attractive as a 'solution' to some of life's challenges varies enormously and when we get sober all those things pop up with a whole range of new challenges!

doggonecarl

Fifty days is awesome!

I had a breakthrough of sorts when I finally realized that not every thing that bothered me or made me uncomfortable was an "issue" that I had to learn to deal with. Some things, like getting rained on, have to be suffered through.

Non-alcoholics endure a lot of stuff without drinking. I figured I could too. Most things that bother me or affect me negatively either get better or I addressed them in a positive manner.

Mentium

Wise words.

Johnston

I've do tyrosine once in a while, especially when I'm sleep deprived and have to remain mentally sharp for a few hours. I find that word recall is better after a dose. I get the same results through ample sleep and relaxation too.