New to the place
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Pensacola, FL
Posts: 2
New to the place
Hello, my name is Aren and I'm new to the forums and the site. I've come for advice, support and for a place to go where I can learn more about people like myself and know I'm not alone in this.
Firstly, I'm 28, military. I was married when I was 24 and then divorced at 26. During this time, I found that my relationship with my husband got to the point where I had to drink when he was around just to tolerate him (he also drank a lot). Before him, I was only a social drinker, once or twice a month.
When we divorced, I retained my drinking habits and they've only gotten worse. Since, I've been able to drink a magnum of wine a night. I've also packed on 20 pounds because of it and this makes me feel terrible about myself, so of course I don't go anywhere.
I go to work, come home, drink, do the same thing.
Anyway, I'm 3 days sober now and would like some advice and just to get to know people in my situations. I can't go to anyone at work, since saying anything about it will be in my record forever with the military.
Recently I met a guy I like and have gone on a few dates (which I haven't done in over a year). I like him, but my insecurities are getting in the way -and- I'm worried we'll go out and I'll have to explain to him why I'm not ordering a drink.
Any advice would be great and thank you for welcoming me
Firstly, I'm 28, military. I was married when I was 24 and then divorced at 26. During this time, I found that my relationship with my husband got to the point where I had to drink when he was around just to tolerate him (he also drank a lot). Before him, I was only a social drinker, once or twice a month.
When we divorced, I retained my drinking habits and they've only gotten worse. Since, I've been able to drink a magnum of wine a night. I've also packed on 20 pounds because of it and this makes me feel terrible about myself, so of course I don't go anywhere.
I go to work, come home, drink, do the same thing.
Anyway, I'm 3 days sober now and would like some advice and just to get to know people in my situations. I can't go to anyone at work, since saying anything about it will be in my record forever with the military.
Recently I met a guy I like and have gone on a few dates (which I haven't done in over a year). I like him, but my insecurities are getting in the way -and- I'm worried we'll go out and I'll have to explain to him why I'm not ordering a drink.
Any advice would be great and thank you for welcoming me
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Hi Aren,
Welcome! You are among friends here. I know that feeling terrible about myself too. It was awful. It was the biggest reason I quit. I couldn't take the self loathing one more day.
Awesome job on the 3 days! You can do it. My worst days sober are far better than my best days drunk. It's actually pretty darn nice not drinking. Not all days are great but I haven't had one morning of waking up with that awful feeling. In fact, I actually kind of like me now.
Jump in the October class if you are interested in talking with people starting out too. I met some of the best people in my March 2013 class. You will always have someone here ready to support you no matter what.
Great job on day 3!
Welcome! You are among friends here. I know that feeling terrible about myself too. It was awful. It was the biggest reason I quit. I couldn't take the self loathing one more day.
Awesome job on the 3 days! You can do it. My worst days sober are far better than my best days drunk. It's actually pretty darn nice not drinking. Not all days are great but I haven't had one morning of waking up with that awful feeling. In fact, I actually kind of like me now.
Jump in the October class if you are interested in talking with people starting out too. I met some of the best people in my March 2013 class. You will always have someone here ready to support you no matter what.
Great job on day 3!
Perpetual Optimist
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
Hi Aren, welcome! SR is a great place to find people who relate to your situation.
For one, I do! I was in a relationship a couple of years ago, when I first decided to face the fact that I had a drinking problem. Even then, I wasn't ready to admit it to HIM and it ended up being one of the major factors in our break-up. It wasn't the ONLY factor, we truly weren't right for each other, but I learned that I needed to get a grip on my addiction/alcoholism before entering into another relationship.
I drank and remained single for another two years. I should add that my drinking got MUCH worse in those two years, as alcoholism is a progressive disease.
I have only been ready to fully admit that I was an alcoholic and seek help as of a little over a month ago. I now go to AA meetings daily, have a sponsor, and regularly read and post on SR.
Even still I am NEWLY in recovery. With less than a month of sobriety under my belt I felt like I was ready to "get back out there" I'm terms of dating. My sponsor had to remind me that I was new to this whole sobriety thing, and asked me if I was in a place where I was ready to bring another person and their problems into my life and, more importantly, if I was ready to share my issues with THEM.
I thought about how new I am and how big of a role recovery plays in my life, and realized- pretty quickly- that I was not ready or comfortable bringing a new person into my life this early in my recovery. I didn't want to deal with having to lie, tell too-much-too-soon, etc.
Bottom line, I am trying to be patient with myself and make sure that my sobriety sticks before involving anyone else. My future boyfriend will still be around once I AM ready!
I hope my experience is helpful to your situation. Best wishes in your recovery and your relationship!
P.S. I agree with not disclosing to your job 100%.
For one, I do! I was in a relationship a couple of years ago, when I first decided to face the fact that I had a drinking problem. Even then, I wasn't ready to admit it to HIM and it ended up being one of the major factors in our break-up. It wasn't the ONLY factor, we truly weren't right for each other, but I learned that I needed to get a grip on my addiction/alcoholism before entering into another relationship.
I drank and remained single for another two years. I should add that my drinking got MUCH worse in those two years, as alcoholism is a progressive disease.
I have only been ready to fully admit that I was an alcoholic and seek help as of a little over a month ago. I now go to AA meetings daily, have a sponsor, and regularly read and post on SR.
Even still I am NEWLY in recovery. With less than a month of sobriety under my belt I felt like I was ready to "get back out there" I'm terms of dating. My sponsor had to remind me that I was new to this whole sobriety thing, and asked me if I was in a place where I was ready to bring another person and their problems into my life and, more importantly, if I was ready to share my issues with THEM.
I thought about how new I am and how big of a role recovery plays in my life, and realized- pretty quickly- that I was not ready or comfortable bringing a new person into my life this early in my recovery. I didn't want to deal with having to lie, tell too-much-too-soon, etc.
Bottom line, I am trying to be patient with myself and make sure that my sobriety sticks before involving anyone else. My future boyfriend will still be around once I AM ready!
I hope my experience is helpful to your situation. Best wishes in your recovery and your relationship!
P.S. I agree with not disclosing to your job 100%.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
I was a nightly wine drinker too. Work, wine, pass out, repeat. Ugh.
No way to live in my opinion.
I don't feel the big need to tell someone I just met every detail about me not drinking. I just say I don't drink. So far no one has asked me why. If they did I would just say I don't like it. It's true. I don't. Can't think of one good thing about it.
I'd probably put it out there that a drinking lifestyle ain't for me nor do I particularly care to hang with people who just want to drink. Might as well let a date know that sitting in a bar all night ain't my idea of fun.
Is your friend a drinker?
No way to live in my opinion.
I don't feel the big need to tell someone I just met every detail about me not drinking. I just say I don't drink. So far no one has asked me why. If they did I would just say I don't like it. It's true. I don't. Can't think of one good thing about it.
I'd probably put it out there that a drinking lifestyle ain't for me nor do I particularly care to hang with people who just want to drink. Might as well let a date know that sitting in a bar all night ain't my idea of fun.
Is your friend a drinker?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
Hi Aren, Welcome to SR. I'm a member of the two bottles of wine a night club too (is a Magnum 2 bottles?). For some reason there are lots of women who fell into this terrible habit. I've been sober now for almost five years, but I remember well how hard those first few weeks were.
Have you looked into recovery community? AA is my first suggestion. It probably sounds scary, but I found these meetings both really helpful and just plain comforting to go to. There are beginners meetings, woman only meetings, lots of options. A simple Google search will help you find a meeting near you.
You can do this Aren...you've already taken a crucial first step. Once again, welcome to SR!
Have you looked into recovery community? AA is my first suggestion. It probably sounds scary, but I found these meetings both really helpful and just plain comforting to go to. There are beginners meetings, woman only meetings, lots of options. A simple Google search will help you find a meeting near you.
You can do this Aren...you've already taken a crucial first step. Once again, welcome to SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Pensacola, FL
Posts: 2
Thank you all for the kind welcome! I would like to get in on these October classes, could someone point me to the right thread?
And yes, my friend drinks. We've gone on four dates and all of them were dinner, with drinking, and then seeing a show or something of the sort.
And yes, my friend drinks. We've gone on four dates and all of them were dinner, with drinking, and then seeing a show or something of the sort.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Hi Aren,
Well, that's not abnormal for first dates. I know I would have preferred to skip the movie though back almost 8 months ago.
The October class should be on the very first page along where you posted this. They do one each new month there and then it moves to the second from the top one when a new month starts. New beginnings. I like that. It took me a month to have the courage to jump on and finally when I did that is where I started.
It doesn't matter the day, just start. It also really helped me to to just lay it all out there. I figured if I was going to do this I might as well give it my best shot. At first I worried about saying the right thing and all but then I found out real quick we all have more in common than not. You will find help no matter where you go. It helps me to go back and read my first posts. I felt pretty awful about myself. It helps me remember I made the right decision and to keep moving forward even on the hard days.
I give normal drinkers a break. I don't expect them to understand everything. I'm actually happy they don't. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. If i do explain how I drank...which I have my girlfriends, I expected questions. I also expected them to want to see the best in me so I was prepared for the can you moderate or I wasn't that bad response. They care about me so why wouldn't they want to think the best. I just said that when I start, I most often don't stop and that makes me feel bad about myself. I don't want to feel bad about myself anymore. I asked them for support. Which at that time meant I may need some time to get a new routine down. They were all what can we do to help??
If your friend is someone who can take it or leave it and is a nice person, he probably will not be all freaked out about it. If he likes to drink a lot, it will probably make him uncomfortable because it just brings up a subject he himself would prefer not to think about.
Just take care of you first. It's the right thing to do. Plus it's good practice. If you were anything like me, I had a tendency not to take care of myself very well. That included telling even my friends when they were going out that I needed to stay home. Too early for me to be watching them have a glass of wine. Even though they would say they wouldn't drink either, I had to sometimes say. Still too early for me. We would do something different then. Like lunch or shopping. Didn't want to cut people out of my life but knew I needed to work on me.
In time it got easier for me. Now I can go to dinner and they can drink what they want and it doesn't bother me. But then, they don't drink mass quantities either. They perplex me as much as I probably perplex them on that one. But now, the non drinker is just who I am. Nobody pays too much attention to that and we just enjoy each other's company.
It's a balance. Do what you need to do to not drink. It's your best shot at a great life. I wish you the best Aren! Don't give up!
((Hug))
Well, that's not abnormal for first dates. I know I would have preferred to skip the movie though back almost 8 months ago.
The October class should be on the very first page along where you posted this. They do one each new month there and then it moves to the second from the top one when a new month starts. New beginnings. I like that. It took me a month to have the courage to jump on and finally when I did that is where I started.
It doesn't matter the day, just start. It also really helped me to to just lay it all out there. I figured if I was going to do this I might as well give it my best shot. At first I worried about saying the right thing and all but then I found out real quick we all have more in common than not. You will find help no matter where you go. It helps me to go back and read my first posts. I felt pretty awful about myself. It helps me remember I made the right decision and to keep moving forward even on the hard days.
I give normal drinkers a break. I don't expect them to understand everything. I'm actually happy they don't. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. If i do explain how I drank...which I have my girlfriends, I expected questions. I also expected them to want to see the best in me so I was prepared for the can you moderate or I wasn't that bad response. They care about me so why wouldn't they want to think the best. I just said that when I start, I most often don't stop and that makes me feel bad about myself. I don't want to feel bad about myself anymore. I asked them for support. Which at that time meant I may need some time to get a new routine down. They were all what can we do to help??
If your friend is someone who can take it or leave it and is a nice person, he probably will not be all freaked out about it. If he likes to drink a lot, it will probably make him uncomfortable because it just brings up a subject he himself would prefer not to think about.
Just take care of you first. It's the right thing to do. Plus it's good practice. If you were anything like me, I had a tendency not to take care of myself very well. That included telling even my friends when they were going out that I needed to stay home. Too early for me to be watching them have a glass of wine. Even though they would say they wouldn't drink either, I had to sometimes say. Still too early for me. We would do something different then. Like lunch or shopping. Didn't want to cut people out of my life but knew I needed to work on me.
In time it got easier for me. Now I can go to dinner and they can drink what they want and it doesn't bother me. But then, they don't drink mass quantities either. They perplex me as much as I probably perplex them on that one. But now, the non drinker is just who I am. Nobody pays too much attention to that and we just enjoy each other's company.
It's a balance. Do what you need to do to not drink. It's your best shot at a great life. I wish you the best Aren! Don't give up!
((Hug))
You've come to a great placeMember
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Welcome, Aren. I am glad you are here with us. I hope Day 4 is going well for you. The first week of sobriety is hard. Really hard. But once you get past that, each day gets a little easier.
As a guy, I can say that, if I am with someone that I like, I don't care if they drink or not. At this early point in the relationship, you don't owe any explanation other than to say, "nothing for me thanks. I don't really feel like drinking tonight."
More importantly, your priority right now is staying sober. If the insecurities that you refer to mean that you are more likely to drink if you go out on this date, then the answer is simple. Don't go on the date. At least not until you are a bit more, um, stable in your sobriety.
Good luck. I hope you will post often.
As a guy, I can say that, if I am with someone that I like, I don't care if they drink or not. At this early point in the relationship, you don't owe any explanation other than to say, "nothing for me thanks. I don't really feel like drinking tonight."
More importantly, your priority right now is staying sober. If the insecurities that you refer to mean that you are more likely to drink if you go out on this date, then the answer is simple. Don't go on the date. At least not until you are a bit more, um, stable in your sobriety.
Good luck. I hope you will post often.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
to SR! Here's the class of October thread that was mentioned. Post there for support. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html
. I was a beer and whiskey drunk but the addiction is the addiction. I have yet to be in a setting with alcohol so I am just as anxious for tips on new activities as you! Welcome!
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