Do I give an ultimatum?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 25
Do I give an ultimatum?
Hello! I am at the cusp of taking our four children and leaving my husband, whom we all dearly love, he is an amazing father and husband...but an alcoholic. If my kids were older and out of the house, I would stay and support him, but I can't raise my kids in an alcoholic house. He says he wants to quit every morning...but he falls back to drinking every weekend.
My husband (and I to a lesser degree) have been struggling with alcohol for about 12 years. We used to just party together, but it has grown way out of control. About 10 years ago, when we had our first DS, we both agreed we need to back off of drinking. I have reached out for help, and have quit drinking, but my husband has only gotten worse. He drinks about a case or more of beer during the week, then drinks vodka on the weekend til he passes out.
His co-workers have even asked me what they can do to help because he goes into work hungover/smelling.
For 10 years I have been hearing his promises to stop drinking. And he really means it...at that time...then the weekend rolls around and the cycle starts again.
When he is drinking, he gets mean (not quite violent), drives drunk, falls and hurts himself, hurts the kids playing with them, passes out in the yard... I am terrified to leave because we all love him, when he is sober but we have four young kids and I don't know where I would go, I hate to move the kids away from their friends and school, we are a strong family when he is sober, and I have no money to make this move.
My question is: Do I give him an ultimatum? I am going out of town this weekend with the kids. I was thinking of writing a letter along the lines of "this is the last time we are coming home if this continues... Please get help!"
I absolutely don't want to leave, but I can't raise my kids like this! Thank you for listing-Peace
My husband (and I to a lesser degree) have been struggling with alcohol for about 12 years. We used to just party together, but it has grown way out of control. About 10 years ago, when we had our first DS, we both agreed we need to back off of drinking. I have reached out for help, and have quit drinking, but my husband has only gotten worse. He drinks about a case or more of beer during the week, then drinks vodka on the weekend til he passes out.
His co-workers have even asked me what they can do to help because he goes into work hungover/smelling.
For 10 years I have been hearing his promises to stop drinking. And he really means it...at that time...then the weekend rolls around and the cycle starts again.
When he is drinking, he gets mean (not quite violent), drives drunk, falls and hurts himself, hurts the kids playing with them, passes out in the yard... I am terrified to leave because we all love him, when he is sober but we have four young kids and I don't know where I would go, I hate to move the kids away from their friends and school, we are a strong family when he is sober, and I have no money to make this move.
My question is: Do I give him an ultimatum? I am going out of town this weekend with the kids. I was thinking of writing a letter along the lines of "this is the last time we are coming home if this continues... Please get help!"
I absolutely don't want to leave, but I can't raise my kids like this! Thank you for listing-Peace
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Dharma, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, and I can imagine how difficult your decision will be. Can I suggest you re-post in the Family and Friends of Alcoholics forum? You will reach an audience of many who will be able to relate from their own experience.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
I'm not a believer in ultimatums personally. My wife and I refuse to issue those to each other. However, the F&F forum is best fit for you, you don't have to be there exclusively, but they will give you the best advice based on their experiences.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 42
If you make an ultimatum you have to be prepared to stick to it. I'm sorry at what you are going through but your kids and you deserve sanity and a healthy sober home. Which is why I'm here because I believe my kids and I both deserve that too (I'm the alcoholic).
All the best to you.
Melbell
All the best to you.
Melbell
Perpetual Optimist
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
This is tough: I'm sure you want to support your husband and his recovery, but at what cost? Ultimately HE has to be ready to be sober. You cannot force him to be ready, and you can't be ready for him. All you can do is take care of yourself and your children.
Have you ever heard of al-anon? I recently discovered the program and it has helped me a great deal in terms of dealing with a family members drinking problem, as has the Family and Friends forum on SR. Best wishes! Xo
Have you ever heard of al-anon? I recently discovered the program and it has helped me a great deal in terms of dealing with a family members drinking problem, as has the Family and Friends forum on SR. Best wishes! Xo
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 369
Dharmabound - please keep us posted on how you're doing. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and its scarring to the children... I hope everything gets better and you can find strength and answers.... This community is here for both!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 109
I wouldn't give him an ultimatum. I would just tell him you and the kids can't live in this environment anymore and that you will do everything and anything to protect you and them from fallout of his drinking. And then I would file for either a divorce or legal separation so you can get a temporary order to have him removed from the house and obtain child support. You may be thinking you don't want a divorce but just because you file for one doesn't mean you will get one. It can always be dismissed if he gets clean. I say this from personal experience. One of my family members is married with a young child. The husband was addicted to drugs and alcohol. It wasn't until the wife filed for divorce and had him removed from the house that he went to rehab and got clean. They had the divorce dismissed and are doing fine now.
I think your husband needs a wake up call and by filing for separation or divorce might just do the trick.
I think your husband needs a wake up call and by filing for separation or divorce might just do the trick.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by Melbell 
If you make an ultimatum you have to be prepared to stick to it.
People who "stuck by me to support me" thought they were helping but mostly it was codependency and, in my case, didn't do any good.
I wouldn't call it an ultimatum so much as a warning about what WILL happen - if you're willing to follow through, of course.....and I don't see anything wrong with a warning. Leave for you and for your kids......not because you think your threat of leaving or by actually leaving that it'll be enough to motivate him to stop - it typically isn't even though he probably loves you all desperately and would hate for you to go.
Protecting me from my bottom (the point where I eventually gave up fighting and asked for help) was NOT an act of kindness. Well, it was meant to be but it just prolonged my misery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 25
Wow-I am so impressed with everyone's responses here. I humbly appreciate your heartfelt answers and support. I agree with various points of every post here-I am not going to give an ultimatum, but rather I will leave a letter explaining that i am not going to allow our kids to grow up this way and if he continues with this cycle-I am leaving with the kids. I have been talking to a couple of family members, and our minister, that are ready to help me make that shift if it comes to that. My husband isn't violent, so I am "okay" with waiting til this summer until my kids are out of school, and the transition wouldn't be quite as traumatic as if we left right now.
thank you, and have a safe and happy weekend!
Dharmabound
p.s. Hopefully my husband will be joining these forums soon...lots of genuine support found here!
thank you, and have a safe and happy weekend!
Dharmabound
p.s. Hopefully my husband will be joining these forums soon...lots of genuine support found here!
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by DayTrader
Having been in HIS shoes, I can tell you every threat that was just a threat but never followed up on only strengthened my resolve to continue doing whatever it was I wanted to do.
People who "stuck by me to support me" thought they were helping but mostly it was codependency and, in my case, didn't do any good.
I wouldn't call it an ultimatum so much as a warning about what WILL happen - if you're willing to follow through, of course.....and I don't see anything wrong with a warning. Leave for you and for your kids......not because you think your threat of leaving or by actually leaving that it'll be enough to motivate him to stop - it typically isn't even though he probably loves you all desperately and would hate for you to go.
Protecting me from my bottom (the point where I eventually gave up fighting and asked for help) was NOT an act of kindness. Well, it was meant to be but it just prolonged my misery.
People who "stuck by me to support me" thought they were helping but mostly it was codependency and, in my case, didn't do any good.
I wouldn't call it an ultimatum so much as a warning about what WILL happen - if you're willing to follow through, of course.....and I don't see anything wrong with a warning. Leave for you and for your kids......not because you think your threat of leaving or by actually leaving that it'll be enough to motivate him to stop - it typically isn't even though he probably loves you all desperately and would hate for you to go.
Protecting me from my bottom (the point where I eventually gave up fighting and asked for help) was NOT an act of kindness. Well, it was meant to be but it just prolonged my misery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Getting there
Posts: 216
Are you prepared to put up with his drinking for the next 10 to 20 or 30 years (ask anybody here it is not going to get any better, it is going to get worse).
As regards utimatums and promsing to stop, made so many promises myself, partner constantly telling me to stop drinking.....did I listen? No.
Finally stopped over a yr ago, really regret that I did not listen earlier....wasted so much of my families time.
Last words if he truly is an "amazing father and husband" he would listen to you and not put you and your (and his) kids through what they have to experience while he is drunk.
As regards utimatums and promsing to stop, made so many promises myself, partner constantly telling me to stop drinking.....did I listen? No.
Finally stopped over a yr ago, really regret that I did not listen earlier....wasted so much of my families time.
Last words if he truly is an "amazing father and husband" he would listen to you and not put you and your (and his) kids through what they have to experience while he is drunk.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by dharmabound
Update: so, my husband and I haven't had a drink in almost 3 months! On that first weekend I left town with the kids and left him a note that I wasn't going to raise the kids with alcohol anymore... He took it to heart-he had been trying to quit for awhile before- so the timing was right for him to have that wake up call. We
Sorry-one of the kids bumped me while typing!
One weird thing I have noticed is he seems to act drunk still at times-without other signs. He doesn't smell or slurr or stumble, but his emotions and thinking are really off. I have read about dry drunk-but it doesn't quit sound the same. He is an emotional roller coaster and sometimes gets slow processing.
Fingers crossed we can keep this up! Thank you all for the support here!!! My husband said he is going to start reading more here soon, too!
Update: so, my husband and I haven't had a drink in almost 3 months! On that first weekend I left town with the kids and left him a note that I wasn't going to raise the kids with alcohol anymore... He took it to heart-he had been trying to quit for awhile before- so the timing was right for him to have that wake up call. We
Sorry-one of the kids bumped me while typing!
One weird thing I have noticed is he seems to act drunk still at times-without other signs. He doesn't smell or slurr or stumble, but his emotions and thinking are really off. I have read about dry drunk-but it doesn't quit sound the same. He is an emotional roller coaster and sometimes gets slow processing.
Fingers crossed we can keep this up! Thank you all for the support here!!! My husband said he is going to start reading more here soon, too!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
It sounds like your husband is suffering from PAWS, Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. It comes in waves when people start recovering from substance abuse. Due to the chemical imbalances caused by the alcohol, it may take up to a year before most of the symptoms of PAWS subside.
I hope that your husband is working a program and has a good support system because when people are experiencing severe PAWS symptoms they are more apt to relapse.
Happy you both are staying sober.
I hope that your husband is working a program and has a good support system because when people are experiencing severe PAWS symptoms they are more apt to relapse.
Happy you both are staying sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
good to see you back
It took me a little longer than three months to even realise I was still a little off in some things - it got better tho with a little time and effort & I hope it will with your husband as well
D
It took me a little longer than three months to even realise I was still a little off in some things - it got better tho with a little time and effort & I hope it will with your husband as well
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by newhope01
It sounds like your husband is suffering from PAWS, Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. It comes in waves when people start recovering from substance abuse. Due to the chemical imbalances caused by the alcohol, it may take up to a year before most of the symptoms of PAWS subside. I hope that your husband is working a program and has a good support system because when people are experiencing severe PAWS symptoms they are more apt to relapse. Happy you both are staying sober.
His mood swings and emotional instability have been so significant his mother even noticed and thought he was suddenly bipolar. But now at least we are heading in the right direction.
Thank you!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by Dee74
good to see you back It took me a little longer than three months to even realise I was still a little off in some things - it got better tho with a little time and effort & I hope it will with your husband as well D
D
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 334
Originally Posted by dharmabound
Originally Posted by dharmabound
Update: so, my husband and I haven't had a drink in almost 3 months! On that first weekend I left town with the kids and left him a note that I wasn't going to raise the kids with alcohol anymore... He took it to heart-he had been trying to quit for awhile before- so the timing was right for him to have that wake up call. We
Sorry-one of the kids bumped me while typing!
One weird thing I have noticed is he seems to act drunk still at times-without other signs. He doesn't smell or slurr or stumble, but his emotions and thinking are really off. I have read about dry drunk-but it doesn't quit sound the same. He is an emotional roller coaster and sometimes gets slow processing.
Fingers crossed we can keep this up! Thank you all for the support here!!! My husband said he is going to start reading more here soon, too!
Update: so, my husband and I haven't had a drink in almost 3 months! On that first weekend I left town with the kids and left him a note that I wasn't going to raise the kids with alcohol anymore... He took it to heart-he had been trying to quit for awhile before- so the timing was right for him to have that wake up call. We
Sorry-one of the kids bumped me while typing!
One weird thing I have noticed is he seems to act drunk still at times-without other signs. He doesn't smell or slurr or stumble, but his emotions and thinking are really off. I have read about dry drunk-but it doesn't quit sound the same. He is an emotional roller coaster and sometimes gets slow processing.
Fingers crossed we can keep this up! Thank you all for the support here!!! My husband said he is going to start reading more here soon, too!
I'm so happy for you and your family that the situation has improved.
Reading success stories like this is really uplifting to people like me, and hopefully other too. Thank you for sharing this with us.
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