Do I give an ultimatum?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
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Wow dharma! Thank you for the follow up. It's really encouraging to read. I know it's still early on and everything, but I am so happy for you. You should be really proud of yourself for standing up for your kids like that. I'm wishing you all my best.
PAWS is a definite possibility! But it may not be a bad idea to check in with your doctor, just to be safe.
PAWS is a definite possibility! But it may not be a bad idea to check in with your doctor, just to be safe.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by HenryKrinkle 
dharmabound - I just read through your thread for the first time. (I just got re-enaged with SR in December). I'm so happy for you and your family that the situation has improved. 
Reading success stories like this is really uplifting to people like me, and hopefully other too. Thank you for sharing this with us. 
Reading success stories like this is really uplifting to people like me, and hopefully other too. Thank you for sharing this with us. Member
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 25
Update: I have been sober for 8 months! It has been a struggle, but manageable. Everytime I get tempted, I log on to this site and just read, and read, and read, and then my craving goes away.
DH....was doing good, then started sneaking it behind my back after 2 or 3 months sober. Sad thing is he was hiding it from everyone, including his old drinking buddies, so he has been very lonely. He very sincerely wanting to quit...he just keeps relapsing. His relapses are always very hidden and he beats himself up. He is on this group, but we keep separate profiles do he can get his own advice and not feel like I am always watching.
So, success in that I have stayed sober even when he backtracks. Success in that DH truly wants to be sober. I just don't know what the recover road will look like for him. He is going to meet with a doctor soon to talk about it, so fingers crossed!
DH....was doing good, then started sneaking it behind my back after 2 or 3 months sober. Sad thing is he was hiding it from everyone, including his old drinking buddies, so he has been very lonely. He very sincerely wanting to quit...he just keeps relapsing. His relapses are always very hidden and he beats himself up. He is on this group, but we keep separate profiles do he can get his own advice and not feel like I am always watching.
So, success in that I have stayed sober even when he backtracks. Success in that DH truly wants to be sober. I just don't know what the recover road will look like for him. He is going to meet with a doctor soon to talk about it, so fingers crossed!
I hope your husband will follow in your footsteps. 
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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like others, I think the idea of an "ultimatum" is probably an unproductive way to approach it.
It sure sounds like your husband is at a point that his relationship with alcohol is unhealthy for him and the entire family.
It would be totally reasonable in my view for you to have a conversation with him - doing your very best to remain neutral and fact-based versus getting into accusations or letting anger and hurt take over in your words. Focusing on the impact that his choice to continue drinking has on you and the children and being very clear that you cannot accept living with that any further for your sake or theirs, is also totally reasonable.
I think alcoholics still suffering are a lot like children; if you give us an ultimatum - we will say anything to talk you off the ledge and convince you it's all going to be fine. We may even 'shape up' for a while. But, as soon as the pressure is off - we're back to our old ways.
It's the same with young children. You can trot out "the next time you ________, you will get ______________" all day long and to every parent's consternation they will push it to see if you're serious and then act shocked and wronged when you enforce the consequence.
On the other hand, if you impose a natural consequence - "because you have continued to punch your sister, you will not be going to the birthday party this afternoon since your behavior makes it clear that you cannot be around other people right now" - then they 'get it' much more quickly.
Same with alcoholics....
Give an ultimatum and they will assure you and promise you and tell you anything you want to hear to get you calmed down. An hour later they'll be out in the garage sucking on a vodka bottle pretending to work on the lawn mower.
But, a natural consequence; "Because you have chosen to continue drinking even though it is having a terrible impact on our family and endangering the well-being of the children and I, I am no longer able to be with you and must remove the children from your presence for their overall best-interests. If you should choose to quit drinking and take active steps to commit and stay sober, I will be there for you and I will give my all to help you heal our family. I love you and will be there if and when you are ready to change".
Now, THAT may wake up an alcoholic. On the other hand... it may not. But either way you will be looking out for your own best interests and those of your kids.
I'd advise "fact based and matter-of-fact". Keep it as non-accusatory as you can, as hard as that may be. We alcoholics are extremely volatile and sensitive to anything we perceive to be an accusation. Rather than create opposition by engaging in a debate or descending into a litany of examples of "YOU ______________ and there was that time that YOU ____________ and...." on and on.... Keep it very simple. Your choices are not acceptable to me and as a result my concerns for the children and myself dictate that I take this step. I love you and want you to be a healthy, positive, loving member of this family. I know that you can, I believe in you, and I'm willing to work on that with you.
Ok, I feel like I'm rambling on and on now.... hope some of this seems helpful
It sure sounds like your husband is at a point that his relationship with alcohol is unhealthy for him and the entire family.
It would be totally reasonable in my view for you to have a conversation with him - doing your very best to remain neutral and fact-based versus getting into accusations or letting anger and hurt take over in your words. Focusing on the impact that his choice to continue drinking has on you and the children and being very clear that you cannot accept living with that any further for your sake or theirs, is also totally reasonable.
I think alcoholics still suffering are a lot like children; if you give us an ultimatum - we will say anything to talk you off the ledge and convince you it's all going to be fine. We may even 'shape up' for a while. But, as soon as the pressure is off - we're back to our old ways.
It's the same with young children. You can trot out "the next time you ________, you will get ______________" all day long and to every parent's consternation they will push it to see if you're serious and then act shocked and wronged when you enforce the consequence.
On the other hand, if you impose a natural consequence - "because you have continued to punch your sister, you will not be going to the birthday party this afternoon since your behavior makes it clear that you cannot be around other people right now" - then they 'get it' much more quickly.
Same with alcoholics....
Give an ultimatum and they will assure you and promise you and tell you anything you want to hear to get you calmed down. An hour later they'll be out in the garage sucking on a vodka bottle pretending to work on the lawn mower.
But, a natural consequence; "Because you have chosen to continue drinking even though it is having a terrible impact on our family and endangering the well-being of the children and I, I am no longer able to be with you and must remove the children from your presence for their overall best-interests. If you should choose to quit drinking and take active steps to commit and stay sober, I will be there for you and I will give my all to help you heal our family. I love you and will be there if and when you are ready to change".
Now, THAT may wake up an alcoholic. On the other hand... it may not. But either way you will be looking out for your own best interests and those of your kids.
I'd advise "fact based and matter-of-fact". Keep it as non-accusatory as you can, as hard as that may be. We alcoholics are extremely volatile and sensitive to anything we perceive to be an accusation. Rather than create opposition by engaging in a debate or descending into a litany of examples of "YOU ______________ and there was that time that YOU ____________ and...." on and on.... Keep it very simple. Your choices are not acceptable to me and as a result my concerns for the children and myself dictate that I take this step. I love you and want you to be a healthy, positive, loving member of this family. I know that you can, I believe in you, and I'm willing to work on that with you.
Ok, I feel like I'm rambling on and on now.... hope some of this seems helpful
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I figured since it is New Years Eve, now would be a good time for an update. I am still sober-it has been over 1 year and 2 months. My husband struggled A LOT in the beginning, his drinking got even worse and because he got better at hiding it from me. He has been doing amazing, though and we really do owe it to him going to AA meetings. He goes to at least 3 meetings a week and talks to his sponsor every day. He has found new supports and new friends there that have helped him through this. He hasn't made it 1 year yet..but things are lookin' good! Peace to y'all, and Happy New Year!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Two years sober!
Just hit my two year sober mark!!! My husband just hit is 11 month sober date. I have to say going to as many AA meetings as I can and talking to other AA/sober people has helped us more than anything. Thank you all for your support in my early days!
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Update, 3 years sober!
Update! I have been sober 3.5 years and husband sober for 2.5! When I first posted this, I was in denial of my own full blown alcoholism and blamed it all on my husband. At the time I considered myself a "heavy drinker" who was just waiting for my husband to quit, then I would quit. I did leave that weekend, but I never gave an ultimatum. I did leave a letter that said we let our kids be raised by drunks anymore, and that weekend was my last drink. I never had a strong sense of religion or a higher power then, but I was so desperate that weekend I threw up my arms and said "I give up!" I didn't care what god, diety, higher power might be listening, I just begged anyone to take over my life and take away my pain.
Then I started saving money, I started talking to a lawyer, and I talked to my extended family about helping me move out of the house with the kids. My plan was to move that summer to my brother's house three hours away. That is also when I stopped trying to control my husband's drinking, I stopped worrying if he was going to make it home or end up in a ditch, I stopped caring if he was going to stop drinking. I basically LET GO and stopped trying to control his drinking.
During my planning, my husband started going to AA meetings. When he got his 3 month chip, he asked me to be there. That was my first AA meeting, and I was stunned that everything people said, and read in the Big Book, related to my personal experience. I kept going to more and more meetings and realized my own alcoholism.
Now we both go to about 2-4 meetings a week, the kids watch movies there, we both have sponsors, are working the steps, helping other alcoholics/addicts, we both are working very different programs, but neither of us try to control anymore. What a relief! A massive weight has been lifted off my chest, I have my loving family back. I am very grateful I am an alcoholic because I never would have worked through my emotional problems if I hadn't asked for help. I also walk a very spiritual path every day and feel the presence of my higher power.
If anyone reading this is new and struggling, I suggest you write in these forums often, find AA and/or Alanon meetings in your area, and open your heart to the idea of asking a higher power for help.
Then I started saving money, I started talking to a lawyer, and I talked to my extended family about helping me move out of the house with the kids. My plan was to move that summer to my brother's house three hours away. That is also when I stopped trying to control my husband's drinking, I stopped worrying if he was going to make it home or end up in a ditch, I stopped caring if he was going to stop drinking. I basically LET GO and stopped trying to control his drinking.
During my planning, my husband started going to AA meetings. When he got his 3 month chip, he asked me to be there. That was my first AA meeting, and I was stunned that everything people said, and read in the Big Book, related to my personal experience. I kept going to more and more meetings and realized my own alcoholism.
Now we both go to about 2-4 meetings a week, the kids watch movies there, we both have sponsors, are working the steps, helping other alcoholics/addicts, we both are working very different programs, but neither of us try to control anymore. What a relief! A massive weight has been lifted off my chest, I have my loving family back. I am very grateful I am an alcoholic because I never would have worked through my emotional problems if I hadn't asked for help. I also walk a very spiritual path every day and feel the presence of my higher power.
If anyone reading this is new and struggling, I suggest you write in these forums often, find AA and/or Alanon meetings in your area, and open your heart to the idea of asking a higher power for help.
Originally Posted by dharmabound
Hello! I am at the cusp of taking our four children and leaving my husband, whom we all dearly love, he is an amazing father and husband...but an alcoholic. If my kids were older and out of the house, I would stay and support him, but I can't raise my kids in an alcoholic house. He says he wants to quit every morning...but he falls back to drinking every weekend.
My husband (and I to a lesser degree) have been struggling with alcohol for about 12 years. We used to just party together, but it has grown way out of control. About 10 years ago, when we had our first DS, we both agreed we need to back off of drinking. I have reached out for help, and have quit drinking, but my husband has only gotten worse. He drinks about a case or more of beer during the week, then drinks vodka on the weekend til he passes out.
His co-workers have even asked me what they can do to help because he goes into work hungover/smelling.
For 10 years I have been hearing his promises to stop drinking. And he really means it...at that time...then the weekend rolls around and the cycle starts again.
When he is drinking, he gets mean (not quite violent), drives drunk, falls and hurts himself, hurts the kids playing with them, passes out in the yard... I am terrified to leave because we all love him, when he is sober but we have four young kids and I don't know where I would go, I hate to move the kids away from their friends and school, we are a strong family when he is sober, and I have no money to make this move.
My question is: Do I give him an ultimatum? I am going out of town this weekend with the kids. I was thinking of writing a letter along the lines of "this is the last time we are coming home if this continues... Please get help!"
I absolutely don't want to leave, but I can't raise my kids like this! Thank you for listing-Peace
My husband (and I to a lesser degree) have been struggling with alcohol for about 12 years. We used to just party together, but it has grown way out of control. About 10 years ago, when we had our first DS, we both agreed we need to back off of drinking. I have reached out for help, and have quit drinking, but my husband has only gotten worse. He drinks about a case or more of beer during the week, then drinks vodka on the weekend til he passes out.
His co-workers have even asked me what they can do to help because he goes into work hungover/smelling.
For 10 years I have been hearing his promises to stop drinking. And he really means it...at that time...then the weekend rolls around and the cycle starts again.
When he is drinking, he gets mean (not quite violent), drives drunk, falls and hurts himself, hurts the kids playing with them, passes out in the yard... I am terrified to leave because we all love him, when he is sober but we have four young kids and I don't know where I would go, I hate to move the kids away from their friends and school, we are a strong family when he is sober, and I have no money to make this move.
My question is: Do I give him an ultimatum? I am going out of town this weekend with the kids. I was thinking of writing a letter along the lines of "this is the last time we are coming home if this continues... Please get help!"
I absolutely don't want to leave, but I can't raise my kids like this! Thank you for listing-Peace
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