loop

I've been sober for almost 9 months. The longest I had sober before that was probably 3-4 months. While much has improved - significantly apparent to everyone but myself, of course - it all seems to be shallow & external - car, gf, food, sex, muscle. My health is obviously better. Not drinking over a fifth of whiskey a day helps. I'm finally off suboxone after 3 years of resigning myself to it for life.

I'm most proud of being off the suboxone, getting off of it was the most challenging thing I've been through, and the withdrawal was not easy. And looking back I can see how it essentially zombified me coupled with the drinking for the 2 years of total self-destruction prior to this bout of sobriety.

Anyways, I'm finding sobriety to be as expected: sobering. I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling, and have no where else to do so, so I made this account after browsing the forum.

My main issue is that I've lost my passions. When drinking/using I was extremely productive creatively. Writing, drawing, music-making, painting, etc..

While my physical health deteriorated I found my intellectual capacities hyperfocused. This is the story of my life in relation to drugs/alcohol: extreme productivity & euphoric enjoyment with life & creativity & exploring things I become passionate about followed by periods dangerous drinking followed by periods of forced (by family or whoever is financially in control of my situation) or chosen (or both) abstinence/sobriety/detox.

This time getting sober I've taken to the gym (for the first time in my life) and have found it helpful up until recently. It just doesn't cut it anymore. I look amazing, but don't feel much of anything positive.

I'm 25 years old, living at home with my parents (which may be making matters worse, not really sure), have a girlfriend, am in school (managing to still not do well - seems I may be a perpetual Jr/Sr in college until who knows when, and jobless.

I can't find motivation to create or be creative. I have no passion or interest in things I used to love and be obsessed with. I find myself motivated in the morning for a few hours, and by the afternoon I just long for it to be time for bed, even though I know it'll be another fitful night tossing and turning with RLS from hell that hasn't subsided since getting off suboxone.

What makes my desire to drink so confusing is for the first time I feel like I can't go back to drinking, like it won't solve anything, and won't offer me hope, or fun, or excitement, or anything. It'll just upset my family, probably result in the loss of more grey matter,get me kicked out, lose my gf, etc...All things which are obviously keeping me sober. But it makes me wonder, am I really not drinking for me, or am I still doing this for everyone around me?

More than that I just want to feel something. I want to feel anything. Some excitement. Motivation. False sense of comfort. I find no enjoyment in life. It seems to be dull & bleak. Sure opportunities abound, but where are mine? I can't even get hired at a local grocery store or coffee shop. My resume is basically null, as I was in school/rehab/jobless off & on these last few years.

AA has left me feeling suicidal before, and found myself having such depressing thoughts again, so stopped going to AA a few months ago. I was also kicked out of a sober living home for being late to church one sunday morning. Not lying: I was "too apathetic" and detrimental to their recovery.

Of everyone I was in rehab with this last go around, most have relapsed, except for the three of us that were told we didn't have a chance at sobriety. I was top of the list for likely to relapse.

Any input, advice, or help would be appreciated.

Summation: find no relief in sobriety, whether active or not in "recovery" (being active in AA recovery tends to drive me into deeper depths of depression), and have lost all passion/drive/creative force I once had.

I know for a fact that I'd go to the bar right now if I didn't have so much to lose right now. People proud of me, people not thinking I'd make it, place to live, etc...

anhedonia at it's finest. I guess I am writing this with the hopes that anyone has experienced anything similar, particularly creative individuals, and have overcome it.

Amajorityofone

Friend-

After nine months, I knew one thing for certain. And that was simply drugs and drinking do NOT make things "better."

Never has, never will.

As for getting out of your slump, When was the last time you unplugged and took an internet-less vacation? When was the last time you went to church? Your spirit sounds tired and in need of rest. This could be just the jolt you need to rejuvenate your creative senses.

Good luck and God Bless

GotGrace

Hi, Loop, and welcome! I can relate to your dilemma just bit because I always did my best and funniest writing when I had a little buzz. I have not yet tried to write the kind of stuff I used to write, but I am curious to see if the Muse can still find me when I am sober.

I am not a health professional, so this is just a thought. I wonder if you might have some level of depression or anxiety? I know that one of the hallmarks of depression is the loss of interest in things that once brought you joy. Maybe a chat with your doctor would help?

At any rate, it sounds like you have put in a lot of hard work and you are willing to continue to fight for your sobriety, which is excellent. Best of luck to you!

Hawkeye13

Hi loop;
I have anhedonia also. I have felt pretty flat since quitting alcohol, but have learned that empty can also be peaceful and can be filled with something else. Not sure how to explain that better yet as I'm just coming to terms with what it feels like to be sober. I made nearly two years alcohol-free and in September I
had a short relapse thinking I could have a more dynamic emotional life with moderate drinking. I found out I couldn't "moderate" and stopped again. Now I'm back to that flatter state but this time it feels much more comfortable to me.
I agree with amajorityofone that going back to using will not improve your situation. One thing that struck me about your post is that you don't mention what you give back to other people / reaching out beyond perhaps family and girlfriend. If you can't find work, what about trying volunteer or outreach work of some kind?

I teach at a university, and the best I ever feel is when I can help one of my students in some way. It feels good to help other people instead of focusing on myself and my addiction / personal creativity all the time (I spent years as a depressed poet). I'm not saying being creative isn't meaningful or part of who you are, but if you can't sustain without drugs / booze maybe you need to find other things as a main focus. Finishing up school might be one of the items you need to take care of so that you can move on to whatever you choose to do as a sober adult.

I had to live at home a few times in my years, and found that to be pretty disempowering since, as you mention, other people are "in control" of the money and have rules you have to abide by. Getting some experience, even unpaid, or looking into an internship at your school would start to build your resume. Maybe this would help you find work and independence which might help you feel better in the end. Everyone is different and it isn't my place to say what anyone should or should not do, but it does seem that you need to do something different to get a different outcome and not fall into relapse. It sounds like you have much to offer the world, and sober you will be in shape to offer it. Good luck and best wishes.

Anna

I wonder if you've talked to your dr about depression?

For me, the depression existed long before the drinking began. Is it possible that your drinking and drugs were a way to self-medicate depression? If so, your dr might be able to help.

totfit

I agree that it sounds you may have some mild depression. Alcohol may have done something for both of us, but of course it did some much more TO us. For me the key to getting out of the funk was exercise and a good diet. Without the exercise I would most definitely have issues. Tomorrow I am running a half marathon. While that is an accomplishment, I really just put things in front of me, goals, to help keep me on a path of well being. Just stopping drinking does not fix things. In fact some folks find themselves lost and in a funk for quite a while. I try not even look at "sobriety" or abstinence as being the accomplishment. I only look at it as "one" of the keys to living a productive and happy life. Only have one shot at this after all (as far as I know).

Ryan8269

When I had 6 months I felt the same way you did... The only thing that helped me for the time being was exercising , and something that realllllly helped me was volunteering somewhere to get myself out of my own head and help somebody else.... It was the last thing I wanted to do, but after I started doing it for awhile, I looked forward to helping others in need!

You've done the hard part and got clean! Helping others is very gratifying! Just my opinion

loop

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, while exercise certainly helps (I go to the gym 3-5 times a week; my deadlift, bench, & squat all increased this week - getting over little plateau's always feels nice!) it seems to be more of a temporary fix (or something I can enjoy every few months, knowing I worked out regularly for another month. I feel good for about 30 min. after I leave the gym.

I signed up last night for a volunteer website, and hope to find something soon. I used to volunteer a lot in high school. Mainly because I got in trouble so much. But I really enjoyed it.

I'm going to explore options with medication & try to find the right doctor, and continue to stay sober. My only fear with medication is side effects. And the only "medicine" that's worked for me in the past, however temporary (usually about a year every time) has been opioids & amphetamines. My most productive time & best work in school was accomplished after a broken back, when I was on add meds & suboxone. Drinking slowly crept up & ruined that. I have to remember how bad my drinking gets.

I'm not against getting back on ADHD meds, and don't feel it would be a relapse, despite what I've heard in AA. But I am aware that the ADD meds tended to elevate my desire to drink - mainly because I felt so accomplished, I'd want to reward myself. Currently, that's what the doctor wants me to take. So, if getting on those meds turns out to be too difficult regarding cravings, I'll have to succumb to my entirely med-free state of anhedonia again, and look for some other way to motivate myself.

It may just be that everything I was interested in while drinking/using was a facade. I almost feel like I used art/writing/music as an excuse to use & drink, or the other way around. I look at some of the things I've created & have absolutely zero recollection of doing so, let alone comprehension of how I had the ability to put such pieces [of writing or music] together. I swear my intoxicated self is an entirely different entity. Voice, vocabulary, vitality & all.

While I may have destroyed relationships, I also seemed to earn peoples respect for what I'd produce. And that meant more to me than a fleeting friendship, or temporary sexual entanglement. I developed an identity attachment to the persona I'd become, or the many I'd live. And I suppose that's what has died, and left me feeling like an empty shell. Without many personalities, I'm left with one, and which one is it that I'd like to be?

I'm just at a strange point, where I wish it were 5 years from now & I was doing something I loved & happy I struggled to get there. I just don't even know what the struggle is, & can't think of anything I enjoy. Or better yet, I wish it were now, and I had any idea of what I was striving to achieve.

Another thing, I didn't really lose any "drinking buddies" as I never really had any - I just drank wherever, whenever, with whoever (whether or not they did). I lost actual friends, it seems not because I'm sober, but because I am not progressing in life outside of the gym. I have no work to share with them, no intellectual discussions to be had, etc...

There's my final rant. I'll probably report back in a week or two regarding the meds & volunteer work/job/internship search, and perhaps reply to other threads in the mean time. Good day.

Ryan8269

Let me know how the meds work out for ya.... Seems like we have a lot in common. I'm on day 5 after a brief 3 month relapse and I am off the ADD meds and everything too. I feel like I was most accomplished in college on them too! Then drinking took that away.... My uncle is a dr and he said there's a lot of studies that shoe early use of adderall and other ADD meds can lead to addiction later in life.....