JadeSatellite

After my little bout with the capful of vodka last night, I am feeling a bit better this morning. I had a slip up, one that I could have prevented, but I let myself be brought in by the allure of the drink.

I'm very happy that I didn't like it, and that did truly solidify my resolve to never touch it again. I much prefer the way things have been lately:

1) I've had a clear head, and have been able to articulate my thoughts and actions much more like my "old" self, instead of stumbling around trying to make sense of everything with a booze brain

2) I've been falling asleep naturally without booze, and have been remembering my dreams (as strange and uncomfortable as some may be)

3) I've been more interested in my previous hobbies, and have been writing a great deal more and with greater clarity. I've also been sketching and reading, things that while I did them while drunk, led to crappy drawings and forgotten chapters.

4) I've been cleaner, remembering to shower, brush my teeth and put on clean clothes.

5) I've been able to really think about my plans for the future, from the short to the long term. I have plans to start going to yoga and a free meditation class nearby; I have a new job that I can throw myself into; I've been outlining a book I've been intending to write, etc etc

6) I love waking up, knowing what happened last night. And waking up refreshed and not hungover makes me feel like a new person.

It all makes me wonder why I let it go on so long in the first place. Then I remember: You were drunk! Duh.

alphaomega

Awesome post Jade.

I was just reflecting on the moment where you first wake up. How dreadful that used to feel. How the heart would be pounding and no amount of self control and resolve could stop it. And the ensuing anxiety it would bring in tow. And knowing that the whole day would be shot to sh*t and all I would be doing is recovering from poisoning myself the night before.

Now, when my eyes open, there is such a sense of relief. Ahhhhhhhh. A day filled with promise and potential and hope.

Dreams being fulfilled one day at a time.

It's like winning the GD lottery every day...

Be well.

resolute50

That's great that the lil slip up led you have even more resolve in quiting.
Everything you listed is quite true in my sobriety as well.

desertsong

Wonderful post! And you're right - what a gift it is to wake up in the morning feeling good, remembering the night before, and having no guilt. The sober life is good.

JadeSatellite

I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be conscious and in control. I guess that is what frightens and angers me the most - I spent so much time trying to drown myself and my uncomfortable feelings with booze that I forgot how good it feels to be aware and in the moment, to savor my life and the wonderful things that can happen in it, and the wonderful things I can DO with it. It's almost like being reborn, but with a knowledge of what not to do.

resolute50

What used to seem like mountains to me are now just a bump on life's road.
Now I can make rational decisions on how to take it on.
Go around it,or floor the petal and jump it.

Getting very good at putting out little fires lately.

JadeSatellite

Agreed Resolute - I have become much better at handling the things that come at me, rather than pretending they don't exist and sweeping them into the bottom of the bottle. If it weren't for the fact I have been sober a few days, I don't know if I could have handled or comforted my partner last night through their own panic attack. I was able to really think about what they were going through, be selfless, and really just focus on them and trying to help them through it. I'm grateful for that.

Toffee1

I am so glad you are posting on here because you seem so positive about yourself and the future. I am sure with your positive mental attitude you will be able to be anything you want. All the best

JadeSatellite

Thank you Toffee!! I am trying to stay positive, because it's when I feel down and out or anxious that I start to think of drinking to numb it. What's there to numb if I'm feeling great and fantastic? Nothing!

DoubleDragons

Jade, I am impressed that you are showering and feeling better about your appearance. I feel like I have gotten a little sloppy in that regard. I feel like I have become somewhat OCD about this whole sobriety thing.

I also think I overcompensated when I was drinking. I never missed work (even with crazy a** hangovers), I always dressed to the nines, my kids call me "Tiger Mom" (I think I am a good mom) etc. In short, I think I felt like if I was super high functioning in every other aspect of my life, I would never have to address my drinking. (that AV always, always protecting the precious imbibing of alcohol) Does that make sense?

I like what everyone is saying about the excitement of discovering the sober "you." It's fun and interesting!

JadeSatellite

Oh yeah, when I was drunk I wouldn't shower for *days*, it was disgusting. I'd forget to brush my teeth, I'd wear the same clothing, it was awful. I didn't feel good about myself, and it showed.

Now that I'm sober, I notice that I need to shower every day, brush my teeth twice, make sure my clothes are clean and smart. I am beginning to have pride with my appearance again.