Taking care of oneself
 

I've been thinking about how my self-destructive behavior isn't limited to alcohol consumption. Though I am so familiar with the urge to drink it all away, it still seems strange to me that I am like this. Some part of me is healthy enough not to think that it is normal to get tanked, not nourish myself, sleep with people that I do not care about, have no future goals, etc.

For me, so much of the pain I have been experiencing getting sober is really seeing these behaviors for what they are. Desperate acts and depressed habits. I see myself with more compassion, but I still suffer through self-loathing every day. Defining this conflict has been a step forward for me.

Just my 2 cents today.

ROOMS - I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at discovering who you really are, sober. Alcohol masks all of that. Every day I surprise myself. I suspect you'll encounter the same thing of yourself. Enjoy the journey.

As time passes some self-loathing has lessened for me, Rooms. I'm very hard on myself tho, mentally, really mean to myself sometimes, it comes and goes. Better now in sobriety. You sounds very aware, that will help you to make good choices as you let the past go.

How long have you been sober?

I've been sober for 34 days now. I am feeling more like myself, but I expect that it will take some time to move on from the behaviors I mentioned.

I am on day 11 and I do not know who I am. I feel like I am at the bottom of a well.

I also struggle with self hatred.:( It got better the longer I stayed sober cause I wasn't doing the same self destructive things as I did when I was drinking.

Acheleus, I was really out of it for the first two weeks. Hang in there. I constantly remind myself that figuring out who I am now is a process, and it isn't going to happen in a week, a month or even year. It does seem pretty bleak sometimes, for sure.

Least, I feel that too. Time spent living with self-respect is healing.

I never imagined that I would be at the end of my 20's with this past weighing on me. While I was drinking, I knew that if I quit that I would have to examine my life. And it didn't seem like there was a point, because things could never be "reset." I couldn't take anything back. Now I am just grateful that things are a bit easier and I have the chance to change.

I like your perspective, Rooms.

It's an eye-opener how we were abandoning and sabotaging even the simplest acts of survival, like EATING. Gahh. It feels so good to do better now, even if it's not everything all at once.

I honestly get a kick out of the fact I eat breakfast now most days.

Congrats on your time! Good to meet you!

Thanks Melina. It's nice to meet you too. And I agree about breakfast!

Learning to take care of myself has been the hardest part about getting sober. It is weird because I was thinking about this today. I felt really good because I had done loads of exercise the day before (my version of loads of exercise which was running round with the dogs for an hour then a yoga class :)) and it was so different from how I felt before.

When I was drinking I didn't exercise because I suffered from a lot of panic attacks so I associated an elevated heart rate with anxiety. I definitely had a self destructive streak too, but I think as much of that was about watching me heal too, to feel pain, physically was reassuring somehow. I was a self harmer before my drinking days and I know that was as much about watching it heal, and at some point I realised I was treating my hangovers in the same way. Sounds messed up when I write it down.

The progress has been slow for me, but maybe not that slow considering how long my destructive behaviours lasted. I am 19 months sober or thereabouts and I have gone from a chain smoking daily drinker who lived off pie to a vegan teetotaller non smoker who occasionally does some mild exercise :) That is a million miles away from where I was. The best thing is I don't feel like I am being 'good'. This is becoming my new normal.

I took me a while too but I value myself like I never did before.
I take pretty good care of myself now...for a bloke :)

D

At it's heart it is simple. Alcohol makes us do things we would never normally do. Inhibitions fall and behaviour changes and we often act disgracefully.

Making amends is part of the recovery process for many people. I am just beginning to see this for myself.

Hypochondriac, I totally relate to what you've said about hangovers, if I understand you correctly. I took a sort of morbid pleasure in my hangovers. It's great to hear that you are active and healthy now.

I am on Day 17 and I can honestly look back and see how destructive i was while drinking. Plus, people that matter don't care that I just have tea or cola at an event of bar. I tried trying before now I am doing and so far it has been a miracle. I have more energy,more dedication to exercise and to my wife and looking forward to our future (not to what drink I will have to start my day).

I completely hated the person I had become when I was drinking. And, it took awhile for those feelings to start to lift. But, eventually they did and I realized that I was worth the effort of staying sober.

It's a good feeling to live up to our potential and value ourselves.

I feel love for myself. It took some work but I am finally beginning to get off my own case. I never could have progressed this far if I was still drinking. You are healing right now. You are headed in the right direction.