james872

It's not even despair anymore. It's nothing. I feel nothing. At all.

I sound dramatic, which I hate. But it's the only way to put it.

roomsforall

James, I think you know that it is okay to be here, posting, in this time of difficulty. I know that you are drunk, but try to focus and see that everyone here is saying that they care. Do you want to hear this? I guarantee you that if you come back and read this thread sober, you will see the supportiveness.

Life is like that. No matter how bad you feel, you have to stop actively making it worse in order to see the good things.

All you've said about being dramatic, being a bad influence, etc. is just not relevant. Everyone on SR knows what it like to be in the midst of addiction, so we are able to support each other. It isn't weird or a bad influence or anything like that.

Nobody can make your life worth it FOR you. If you want to wait and see how much more miserable you can get, no one here can stop you. But I can hope that you will see soon that you're worth it. You deserve way better.

james872

I wish I could. I wish I could want to. I have nothing left in me.

ScottFromWI

You had the energy to respond to my post and the will do to it. That means you have the will to pick up the phone and call emergency. Or walk out your front door and scream for help. Do it NOW

james872

I've not seen that link before.

It's just...

I've frozen. Like a deer in headlights. I can't take it any longer.

I'm not suicidal. I do not want to die. At all. I just lost all the fight.

foolsgold66

James, 'tired of quitting' is a better place to be than denial. If you can't stop, just try your best to take in enough just to stay calm, get some rest, and then call someone you trust to help you get help...

james872

Thanks. The one major concern I have is that by posting my troubles, I might pull others into it. That's why I'm hesitant.

Tamerua

Can you call someone who can fight for you? I know that apathy and you could regret it once you're sober.

james872

I wish I could. It's different.

I feel like such an attention seeker. A moron. An idiot who doesn't follow his own advice. A loser. I feel like I'm being a negative influence here. This is terrible.

james872

Not right now, no. Unfortunately.

SkyeSea

Is that the problem James? Do you not want to go to ER alone? x

james872

Alone is not the problem. I prefer to go alone.

It's just that I lost all the life in me. It's like the life drained out of me and I'm a shell. I know I care, desire, want, need, aspire, it's there. But I'm overwhelmingly empty.

foolsgold66

Empty people can't think of a thing to post on the internet, James. Empty people don't reach out like you are doing now.

Dee74

The apathy is your addiction talking.

There's a literal world of difference between sober James and drunk James.

the sober you is the real you - the drunk you is under the influence of a powerful depressant and demotivator.

walk across the road and get some help James - you'll be glad tomorrow

D

ScottFromWI

In order for any of this to get better you first need to get sober. At this point you don't really have the power to do that in your own as evinced by your drinking today, even in the face of possible grave consequences. 3 buttons on your phone and that help will arrive. You have to make that step James before any of it will get better.

No one is going to tell you to just give up, so don't ask for that.

wehav2day

james, I've been reading this tonight, and I know you are a good, smart man. when you are sober, you have hope. drunk, none of us have hope. don't feel like a hypocrite, the disease makes us all hypocrites and liars. thankfully, the hypocrisy and ability to lie leave most of us when sober.

c'mon, man, go across the street and be that cool guy again. just cross the street.

foolsgold66

One of the things that pains me greatly sometimes about participating in this forum is the physical inability to gently tug on a friends hand and say 'c'mon man, let's go, trust me doing this will help'.

Look down at the bottom of this thread and see how many people are looking at it right now. That's what we are all doing, even though we are not physically there.

You aren't making good judgements because of the alcohol. Trust us and just do what we say, please?

alphaomega

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This.

james872

You guys lead me to just pick up the phone and dial 911. I had trouble speaking and frankly, I'm really not doing too well.

They told me to stay put. They're sending an ambulance. I've been through this before and probably I'll be put in a wheelchair or on a bed and I'll end up in the hospital and they'll do their thing.

The fact that I know the motions of this based on alcohol is not a good sign, but at least I'll be getting some help. Thank God for health insurance. It doesn't matter how often I come in for anything, it'll get paid for.

Anyway, they'll be here any moment. I'll let you know when I get back.

Renarde

We've all been pulled badly enough into our own troubles to be here in the first place. Don't worry about that. If anything seeing others struggle is a reminder of the pain and why we came here to get well.

One foot in front of the other. Doesn't matter what your feelings are. Just take action.

Edit - oh I see you've called 911. I'm so happy to hear that!