james872

Today I've had a couple of drinks. It's absurd. I'm at risk for serious stomach problems, had an insight that I thought changed everything and yet I picked up the bottle again.

It was different though. I drank a glass of wine and didn't feel much either way. Neither repulsion nor pleasure. I felt the buzz but was completely neutral about it. At one point during the second drink I just didn't feel like finishing it. So I threw it out as well as the rest of the bottle.

It surprised me that I did drink again. But it also surprised me that I discovered that it doesn't do anything for me anymore. Maybe I needed to see that. I don't know.

So day one again tomorrow. It feels different.

pinkdog

Hi James, well done on throwing it out. I got halfway thru my last drink and stopped too. I just got tired of it. Found out it was more trouble than pleasure. Good job.

ReadyAtLast

sorry to hear that James.Do you know what led you up to it? Maybe try andidentify the trigger so you can stop it next time.

I know if I had 1 drink and didn't want another I would tell myself "oh I'm a normal drinker" I don't think that's what your saying but don't let your AV fool you in a few weeks looking back and saying that to you

Glad you're back

Dee74

some of us can't afford maybes or lets sees James.
what are your recovery plans?


D

doggonecarl

How quickly we go from the sickbed vow to never drink again, to drinking. Alcoholism is indeed cunning and baffling.

Deciding to quit, no matter how firmly made, is not recovery. It's just a thought that quickly dissolves under the force of our addiction. Recovery is action. I hope you investigate and form the recovery plan you need to get and stay sober.

Good luck.

james872

My trigger was the idea that I just wanted to drink one more time and then be done with it. I know, it's nonsense. I even knew it was nonsense but ignored it. Always a mistake.

Next time, I need a plan to prevent a next time. I am currently browsing for rehab options where I live. There are several facilities with different types of treatment. I think I need that.

james872

My plan is to get into contact with the addiction center around here asap. As in tomorrow, first thing.

I put that off because I'm going to get mental help anyway. But that starts in a few weeks or so. And I can't afford a moment longer without help.

So I accepted that I need help. And I am going to get it. That's the plan.

Ruturn

James, do you know the most popular day of the week to begin a diet?

Yep, tomorrow. I had hundreds of "this is my last time doing this" epidoses. Make your plan. Get support. Stick to your pland and ask that support for help when it gets rough. You can do this.

Raider

James I'm so sorry to hear that.

ScottFromWI

I would be wiling to bet many of them are still open today, or at least you could call now and make an appointment tomorrow. ASAP isn't tomorrow. And at this stage with your physical predicament, you could literally find yourself in a situation where you don't have the luxury of tomorrow as an option.

james872

I truly appreciate this concern.

I live across from the hospital and have a close connection with all the physical health care providers. I know the drill, a positive side-effect of a negative situation. Though also of a smart attitude in that situation, that credit I will give myself.

The thing is, I'm in a different time zone. If I'd had the opportunity I would have called today. But they're closed. It's late over here.

I have emphasized a part in your post that is very important to me. I am very aware of this. And it's something that stings deep inside. It hurts me. The fact that I knew drinking could kill me. Cause a stomach bleed and that would be the end. That could have happened.

It hurts me that I went there while I only want to live. And usually I just don't do those type of things.

It goes back to the trauma I sustained. It has always felt like the positive messages were me. It felt like I was being myself. It was familiar and it really is what I am like.

The stupid stuff, the bad decisions, they really do have their basis in my trauma.

I... you know what? Honestly, without trying to formulate things appropriately:

I am a positive, good person who got ****** up by an incident and is struggling.

Dee74

Noones trying to beat you up - we all care about you.

You're a few days out of the ER and a few days out from some pretty dark thoughts.

Your friends are going to be straight with you

Like I said before James - you can deal with the secondary manifestation of your trauma - the self medication - right now...my advice, like Scott's, is a well meaning don't put off action

let us know what they say tomorrow

D

james872

I always laughed when people said "I know, but still...". And it's actually appropriate to laugh at when I think that to myself. It was the first type of thought I had when I read your response.

It is true what you say. It just is.

Dealing with the trauma itself is difficult. But drinking makes it even more difficult. Yeah, alcohol numbs it. But it comes back with a vengeance.

As someone once told me, there is the problem and then there is your response to the problem. And my response to the problem sucks. I don't blame myself, it can be difficult. But I could also accept the idea of being someone who can handle it well enough.

At this point my thoughts are scattered. Ever since the trauma popped up and I drank in response to it, I have been unstable. Not unstable in a psychiatric sense, but just all over the place.

The one stable thing I have is the knowledge that things will get better soon.

ScottFromWI

I truly hope you can get rid of any alcohol you have around the house and get some rest before your appt tomorrow James. We all want only the best for you.